last line made me smile & chuckle .
nice finish to a good little tale.
For someone who uses the pen name you do - namely, "I read to relax" - your writing seems to do the exact opposite for me. So I'm going to give the feedback that I most often give to others: Please, for the love of God...GET AN EDITOR!!!
Your story had a decent plot, your characters were not over-developed and there wasn't a ton of backstory that the reader had to slog through. For that, I commend you. However, there is a tremendous problem with homophones, as well as with grammar in general, and a competent editor will be a tremendous asset if you're planning on posting more work.
Okay, okay, I know that right now you're wondering, "Why is this guy busting my chops over this? Nobody else even mentioned stuff like that?"
Well, it comes down to this: for me, reading fiction is all about immersing myself in the world which the author has created. I want to try and get as much out of the words I read as the author put into them. This is something that every reader of fiction does, whether they know it or not, and its actually got a technical term: Suspension of Disbelief.
So what is Suspension of Disbelief? In one sense, it's the ability for the reader to set aside the fact that he or she knows the work they are reading is fiction and, in doing so, to imbue the characters, environment and plot of the work being read with a sense of legitimacy (or, simply put, to just ignore that it's a book and believe, instead, that it's real). If an author cannot create and maintain that sense, then all they've done is put words on a page. Whatever intent they had, when writing their work, is wasted. Since this is so important, it is something which great authors (and good editors) focus on - plot shifts must be logical within the context of the work that's come so far, the blatantly foreign concepts must have a solid backstory so that the reader can accept whatever logic is behind them, surprise endings only work if the reader is able to look back through what they've read to see that the clues were there the whole time...and, most importantly, that spelling and grammar are UTTERLY ESSENTIAL when building a fictional world.
You lost me in the first paragraph.
Most people, when they read, have a form of internal "voice" that allows them to hear the words they're reading. If the spelling and grammar is poor, then that means that the reader's voice is going to be 'saying' things that don't make sense...and that means that they're not going to be able to suspend their disbelief.
Take the first three paragraphs of your work to a competent editor, and see how much red ink is on the page when it is returned to you.
Basically, I enjoy the promise which your writing shows...but, without an editor to clean up your sloppy spelling and miserable grammar, it's really not worth putting myself through the punishment of reading.
Thank you for a vision of what could be from a supervisor that believes its okay to be human.
You have written this story very well, showing the evil that some people have to endure.
What happened to Petra is what is more and more happening in our so called civilised society. Petra was lucky, her boss saw her troubles and is taking steps to improve her work.
BUT for all the other people who are pushed to the edge of endurance and reality and then out of desperation go on a killing spree. Who helps them, no one, they just get condemned, when society itself has caused the problem.
You have done an excellent job of portraying a persons awful situation and the initial steps of her recovery.
I would really like to see this story continue.
Que Sera Sera for Petra. TK U MLJ LV NV
but please don't end it there, I want to read at least another chapter how things change for her (and the boss).
a good story would like to see it developed to give hope, words are cheap it would be nice to see what happened in the office. her boss seemed to have his own stresses, it reminded me of something my father used to say. " A business has three generations, the first creates it, the second builds it and the third destroys it . I made me wonder if he was the fourth generation trying to save his heritage. You are a good writer
MLJ, I want to commend you for a most enjoyable story. Skillfully written, with realistic characters and action.
Speaking immodestly as some what of a historian, I thought Tangled Web came a lot closer to accurate history then most of the stories on this site, in that genre.
Which regurgitate the usual hollywooded blunders that are so popular for mass consumption by the gullible.
I am looking forward to future postings. Or, by any chance do you have any ebooks for sale online? If so good you paste in a URL to your Author's page?
You just made summer hotter!
This isn't up to pro standards, but is exceptional by Literotica's. 'Black Hawk Down' is best book I've read about Army Rangers and the tactics they employ. The bad guys were too bufoonish , but I did enjoy the two main clashes in which they got checkmated.
The final skirmish with Don Pedro needed a bit more Luke versus Darth Vadar grandeur to properly tie off story. Choosing an adult film star as Princess Leia in peirl role was interesting choice. Having her be so normal and conventional seemed to be a bit of a cop out. I did like ending and characters, but wanted shades of grey especially with Chico and Brooklyn, along with making Don Pedro more personally formidable.
Please keep in mind, I'm an aspiring auteur myself and would be thrilled to,have this story to my credit. I'm judging by harsher pro standards which is one of this author's aspirations. By Literotica's benchmarks, there is no choice but to thank Jaycuck for fun read and award much deserved 'cinco estrellas'. :-) *****
Too many open ends..... and your readers / me, you convinced us WHAT ? ?
nice try I guess....1
Nicely written, but slowly progressing.
An interesting beginning, but too short to tell where this is going.
Now that Hillary knows that Roger is on to her, he's got three options: take her down along with the rest of the dirty cops right away, turn her against them and get her working for the DOJ, or cut and run for the hills and DOJ witness protection. If he doesn't, he's a dead man walking.
Condolences. I have some understanding of what you have gone through. I'm not Christian. I broke away a long time ago because I had a hard time with the misogyny. Mythic images are crucial. When my father left, my mother had to work two and sometimes three jobs to feed and clothe all of us. Christianity offered the virgin Mary or the Mary the whore as images to aspire to, and there are so many other possibilities. What matters is the heart and character of a person, and it galled me that my mother was told to submit to a husband's will as she was to the male god in church. She deserved better options. As she drifted further to fundamentalism -- and despite it's misogyny, it does offer a code of behavior -- when I went on a trip with her, two of her friends tried to corner me into "converting back" while I had no money in my pocket and was hundreds of miles from my own home. After I got home, I didn't speak to her for nearly ten years.
And just a few years ago, family members discussed the possibility of kidnapping me to "de-program" me of my beliefs. If they knew I wrote erotica? It doesn't bear thinking about. If they never talked to me again, it would be better than other option they might consider. The church often forgives murder of non-believers. And, oddly, Christian churches reserve its most violent actions against perceived rivals they call heretics. Gnostics in the 4th century? Albigensians in 1200s? Catholics vs Byzantines vs Russian Orthodox vs Coptics vs so many others. Then Catholics vs Protestants. The list is really close to endless. Emo Philips' bit about the man considering suicide on the bridge is bitterly hilarious because it is so true.
I make a point to respect the beliefs of others as long as they do no harm to others and I expect the same in return. However, I find that true Christians are scarcer than hen's teeth; those willing to embrace the Sermon on the Mount as a lifestyle stand out because they are so rare.
To be rejected by your family hurts. To walk your own road means you have to examine the basics - who you are, what you believe, and how you will live your life. And often the pathway isn't even gravel much less a dirt path but something you have blaze forth yourself.
Faith and religion are supposed to help, not hinder. The medicine man Sun Bear once wrote that faith should grow corn. That is, it should sustain you in adversity, see you as valuable when your heart and soul need direction and support. If it doesn't, it's time to reevaluate what you believe in. If it's church morality that condemns you, maybe it's time to step outside the nave and into the sunlight. And if not, I found the works of Elaine Pagels (Gospel of Thomas, et al) and Karen King (Gospel of Mary) to be challenging and insightful.
Your essay is stream of conscious writing, but it remains visceral all the same. This is only the second piece of yours that I've read, but that is neither here nor there. Keep writing! I'd give this work five stars but the voting is disabled. You've apparently given pleasure to many, and based on the comments here, many are willing to stand up and cheer you on. (And you are so right: those who read and move on versus those willing to actually vote are abysmally small, and even fewer bother give feedback!) In any case, I'd like to add my voice to the chorus in your cheering section.
Peace and love.
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