by seranade
I agree with puck. You have some real talent here, see what happens if you break out of the rhyme scheme, you don't even have to show anyone, just see how it feels :)
stick around, I am just now reading your stuff.
I was upset with the total ranking, so gave this a "5". It deserves high marks!
that you continue to write and improve. At this point you seem mired down in the rhyme-or-bust mode. Try different words, perhaps longer lines, throw away that rhyming dictionary and set yourself free from what you think people want, or what they expect to see, then you will be a true poet. Good luck!