All Comments on 'Entwined...'

Nicely done but the thing that weakens are the gerunds;

Gerunds are so passive and in an erotic piece you want active, denotes passion.

A sample suggestion from what you wrote:

"Our bodies gently parting,

Our lips softly sighing.

She resides in his storm

Tasting the rain in his eyes

Feeling the lightning in his hands

Falling in the thunder of his kiss

Her hair flows in the fierce wind"

And one possible edit:

"Our bodies gently part,

Our lips softly sigh.

She resides in his storm,

Tastes the rain in his eyes

Feels the lightning in his hands

Falls to the thunder of his kiss

Her hair flows in the fierce wind"

And all I've done here is get the other lines to match that one line as you wrote it; the whole is now much more active and filled with passion, don't you think?

"She resides in his storm

Tasting the rain in his eyes

Feeling the lightning in his hands

Falling in the thunder of his kiss"

I like where you started with this metaphor, although I'm not certain where you were going with your word choice(s) in the last few lines - I felt it weakened the piece rather than added to it.