- Erotic Poetry
- Lip Ring Nectarines
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Click hereCracking the shell
What was blue
Now steamy red
Much like my hands
My fingers sliced and raw
From pulling the bits from the honeycomb skeleton
And unsuccessfully scrubbing the scent of bay salt
From my fingernails
After Maryland blues and hands washed
Finer than Eden's finest and juicier too
But I cannot bite into the fruit
Only two days gone since a needle was pushed through
Now in my lip a metal hoop
So you cut it up and fed it to me
Slice
After slice
Peeling away from the stone
As juice ran down your arm
My tongue compares these two sweet meats
This nectarine to the crab we just ate
As you trail a juicy thumb down my spine
Nectar soaks through my shirt, sticking to my skin
July 07
- COMMENTS
tigerjenover 13 years agoMmmmmmmm anything that mixes food w/ the erotic....that's my kind of writing! Well done!
vrosej10over 13 years agoBeautifully written and vivid, clever enough to his abstrac concepts through the concrete. However said ditch the last line is write I think and make slice after slice one line. I think the line break calls attention to itself rather than enhancing to poem. I am REALLY impressed by this.
Esperanza_Hidalgoover 13 years agoI'm not exactly a practiced poet, but I know as I read it this morning (and now again) I like the first lines, but felt perhaps it changed somewhere in the middle. Not that I don't like the thoughts, but maybe some tweaking or trimming would make this sing. Again, take this as a grain of salt, I don't have the chops of some of these other folks, anyway, got a five from me because I think you have the right stuff to be very good.
fridayamover 13 years agoand the language. I understand where Tess and Angeline are coming from, but for me the poem just needs a couple of small changes to make it right. I would lose "unsuccessfully" from line 7 for rhythm. Line 9 is the problem--I think it's unclear what you mean (certainly to this UK reader). Maybe it should be reversed "After washed hands, Maryland blues". You don't need to split "Slice/by slice", it's better without the enjambemant.
Even though it is en erotic poem (and it IS) you don't need the penultimate line--it is implied in all the loveliness you have described.
I hope you don't mind my intrusion on your poem--I felt it was worth it for such ripe and delicious images. Thank you for the poem.
Angelineover 13 years agothat this is just bursting with possibilty but maybe is trying to do too much. There's eating a crab, then the lip piercing, then being fed slices of nectarine. I love the images and the natural poetic voice but I end up feeling like there's something missing that unifies it all. And that's not a negative criticism: the poem needs work but you have talent!
