Poetics 101

I sit nervously as my life rests between his thumb and fingers.
He rubs his chin.

Nice enjambment. Good use of alliteration,
assonance.

He draws a vertical line beside a stanza.

This is a lovely conceit. The parenthetical
metaphors are an interesting touch.

Turns a page.

Good emotion, good sense. Clear, without
being too simple. Works on several levels, with a
bit of synechdoche here, metonymy there. The rhythm
is interesting, without being jumpy and disjointed.
I like the use of the slow Molossus where the heat
of the afternoon has slowed things to a crawl.

Circles a few lines.

This is not so good. The onomatopoeia here
seems contrived and stilted. Also, you’ll note
you state the same thing twice. Once, nicely, subtly.
But then you explain it to the reader. Don’t you trust your
reader?

He rubs his chin again, flipping to the last page.

I’m not at all a fan of inverted syntax    he says
and your conclusion, quite frankly, seems weaker
than some of the previous stanzas.

He hands my thin pinch of papers back to me
and smiles.

Nevertheless, I think you may eventually write
something worthwhile.

I smile, thank him, shake his hand, and walk
out of his office, as though i had any goddam
idea what he had just said to me.

~