All Comments on 'Risen'

You're attempting simple meter, which isn't as simple as it seems. You should start by counting your syllables and reading it to yourself out loud, because your beat is all over the place. too many words and not enough breaks. Once you've gotten your beat down you might wanna address the simplicity of your language. Poetry is pretty much just saying something simple/old in a new, usually complex, way. Usually I'd say drop the meter and say what you want to say and work on saying something new in less restricted format. But now that I think back I probably started in meter. A poem with excellent meter is easier to read than a free-verse cliche ridden one.