by mstryninja
Because I believe it does, I'm offering a few suggestions. First, do you think the poem would still work without the final verse? I ask that because ending on the question seemed a little more satisfying to me.
I like the repetitive word play that you employed throughout. At the same time, there were a few places where some punctuation might have highlighted that interplay, as might just a bit of trimming.
And one persnickety thing: I found the spelling errors irritating. (I guess I expect poets to be more careful... and I have been severely chastised for that in the past).
I enjoyed the opening lines right after your intro:
"I could be a vagabond a vagrant a drifter
carried off on the wind like so much litter."
Hello...
I am a humble musician from HUMANWINE and my husband is a web designer. We have a humble site and I think your story/song would fit lovely in our ARTISTS section. Please let me know if you would like to participate.
ARTISTS@nervousrelatives.com
thanks much:
SIREN