All Comments on 'Walking Jake'

get to the end before the reader

5ed for that

to be honest, I'm still trying to figure out the point. Unless...

Jake was a pointer? Joking.

A mystery camouflaged by the scene.

The poet/protagonist's troubled heart/thoughts/mind makes for an intriguin' poem , Oldbear : thnx for sharin' ! Merry Christmas & 5-ed .

Ash. OB this is more elegant than I thought. I actually copied it, for parsing.

The writing is good, you are shading the scene, and at the end responding to the scene.

The potential problem is while it is resolved very nicely at the end, it puts the mystery at the beginning, leaving the reader with a vague sense of dissatisfaction, FWIW, these are the rare ones for me, the ones that bother. The surface structure very simple, lines that are you (the problem) in the stanza 0,1,1,2. The first two stick out, the last two, blending it in. Very simple intersection here.

one suggestion change him to a, do you see what I am driving out?

And I shuffle to make him a path.

I'll see if I can put something together and recommend in NPR, this is one of the ones that some of dipshits miss by only playing over at the other part of yahooville.

Kudos, better than a 5

This is what I live for.

specifically mentioned the comment I left, seriously this deserves much more than two comments.good luck.

Your comments are very much appreciated and I would like to see what you have done, But what is NPR? Thanks

Old Bear which you can go via the Bulletin on the Story Index menu . Look for the Poetry thread on the Bulletins page once U get there ---A9

I have read everything you have written along your journey here the ah-ha moment at the end wasn't as big a deal for me personally because I brought all of that info to the table from all of your other pieces, but context is king.

the thoughts that 1201 has pointed out made me read and re-read to realise that the walk and commentating on the dog re-directs the mind from the underlying thought process,

first stanza sets the scene for the reader and starts the focus on the dog, shading it in a grey, a sombre drab colour

stanza 2 you introduce a second reason for this traipse in the snow, but cloud that with the dog again,

the use of

"plows along" for Jake

infers that he is bounding along happy doing doggy things,

using "slogs along"

for yourself infers that you are struggling,

troubled mind, troubled heart

shows us that you are not struggling with the walk, but with internal demons

Walking back, old Jake has grown tired

He follows behind in my tracks

And I shuffle to make him a path

final stanza the resolution, the section above introduces a role reversal which is clever writing even if it is the "truth"

shuffle along to make him a path, can be used both for your mental process, i.e. you have found which direction you now want to travel in,

the first stanza highlights a mood with the colour grey making it seem drab and gives a hint of resignation, you resolve that in the final stanza as well with these lines here

Snow, sun and cold, the beautiful morning

Starts to lighten my mind and my heart

then the final line

It’s what I do now that will matter

gives a sense of hope and wha-la resolution

seriously good writing old bear!!!!!!

...Once in a while a poet appears from nowhere, catches my eye and I follow. OldBear is such a one. This poem is lovely. One that makes me wish it was mine.

five.

I felt I was walking with the poet,sharing some things- not others.Very good 6.

very much, appreciated the disjunct between present action and the mind that wanders elsewhere. A lovely read.

It is so good to see you producing something like this. First the painting of the picture of the scenery and Jake and later your interaction with and attitude to Jake. And then the final lines of the three last verses.

Ahem, Oldbear you achieved empathy. Look where it has got you.

It made me think of and contrasts with Lake Effect Storm, a poem of yours that I started to like and then did not. In that one, I felt the switch to the person’s personal life was artificial and contrived. Here it is so natural and right. I do not think it matters whether anyone has read your other poems & knows some of your story or not.

One quibble. I felt the final word ‘matter’ jarred. It is a harsh bang bang. It can be argued that the harshness works to accentuate but I do not think that is right for this poem. Say ‘count’ would possibly be better – an illustration rather than a suggestion.

I cannot tell you how much I look forward to your new poems.

There is real beauty in this poem, not only in the way it is constructed but in your wonderful descriptions of the light so that I can see it in my minds eye. That is true artistry on your part. I wish I knew what he had done though!

Beautiful and sentimental!

I could sense the bond between man and beast, it made me feel warm inside.

A well deserved 5