What Do I Do?

It’s late at night
A sound stirs me
Glaring balefully at the clock
I make a grab for my phone

Sinking into a sleepy huddle
At the bottom of the bed
I answer already knowing who’s calling,
‘Hola’ says the voice at the other end
He sounds as tired as I feel and my heart aches

I want to help
But I feel so helpless
The same old conversation
Him teetering on the brink
Me trying desperately to haul him back
Same old platitudes
Same old pleading

I can’t do this
It tears me apart to hear him so down
Knowing that I could do one thing to make him feel better
Yet to do that is to be untrue to myself
I try so hard to cajole him into good humour
Tears prick at my eyes as the silences hang in the air between us
Why can’t he see how hard this is for me?

I know it’s not easy
I’ve been where he’s at
But how do I show him
That’s not where to stop?

It will take a long time
The pain is immense and slow to heal
It is possible to reduce it though so why can’t I show him the way?
He wants what I can’t give
And doesn’t seem to listen to what I say
I’m trying so hard to help him it drains me completely

Sometimes I wonder why do I keep doing this?
Yet I know that to leave him bereft of even my presence
Poor though it is would be cruelty of the worst kind
How could I in good conscience desert my truest friend?
So even though I cannot and will not grant him my love at this time
I will answer the phone and I will give advice
I will talk to him and cajole him, distract and divert him

For all the while I do this I know that time heals him better than I ever can
And I am resolute that he will pull through
He is as strong as I had to be
I will be there. Whenever he needs me.

Elsie Grey