A Phoenix Story: Living The Hand You're Dealt

"But...nooo, all I get is a note on a board saying 'Gone dancing and staying out all night.' Ending with a flippant threat, 'See you whenever.' He could feel the sarcastic anger rolling off his own answer, "Damn it, I told her this semester and the fall term would be hell."

Exhaling loudly he shook his head, "I know it might look like I don't care, but she's wrong. She's is so neat, so alive; I can honestly say I've never met anyone like her before in my life. She makes me so proud when we're out together, especially since it's me she wants to be with.

"I need to get away and think for a day or two, cool down, so I don't strike out at her. Maybe I should do some hiking, camp out over night, and get my head straight."

He threw together a backpack with his sleeping bag, some fruit, veggies, and a couple of sandwiches, then filled his two boda bags with water. Cleaning off the kitchen table he left a note for Becca.

Hey Babe,

I am feeling a bit hostile and from your note on the board, you probably are too.

Worried that if we talk right now it will become a yelling match with one or both of us saying something we shouldn't.

So, I'm hiking over in the state park to clear my head and calm myself, should be back early tomorrow evening.

I know you're the best thing in my life and I'm sorry for all the disconnects.

Darren

Folding it up he put it in an envelope with Becca clearly written across the front and taped it to the middle of the kitchen table.

He headed out to hop a bus to the park.

********

Becca awoke just after noon and followed her nose out to the kitchen where Gwen was reading the paper and having some coffee. Gwen giggled at Becca's disoriented looking hair, it was all over the place. Pointing to the corner of the kitchen she said, "Fresh coffee, help yourself."

After pouring a cup, Becca took a seat across from Gwen.

She was well into her second cup when she looked up at Gwen and said, "I bet I look a fright?"

"Compared to what?" Gwen joked.

"That bad?" Becca moaned.

Nodding as she fought back a giggle, Gwen asked, "Did you finally get your emotional kinks worked out last night? Are we back... or... is your guy still getting skewered?"

"I'm feeling a lot better.... Now that I got my fix maybe we can talk without me biting his head off."

"Hey, why don't you two get your heads straight and come over for supper tonight?" Gwen asked.

Becca thought for a moment then replied, "I did kinda drop a bomb in his lap yesterday. Can I use the phone to call him, maybe gauge what is going on in his head. I know I would have been a bit ape shit myself if I came home and saw what I wrote, especially the 'I'll be back whenever' part."

Gwen flashed a pained look at her friends comment, "In the living room."

"Thanks," Becca said as she headed for the phone.

A few minutes later Gwen watched as Becca came back with a worried look. She said, "I need to head over to the apartment, something isn't right. Darren was going to be in all weekend and there's no answer."

"Go grab a quick shower and at least calm your hair, then I'll run you home," Gwen said.

Becca seemed to be lost in thought then replied, "Ok," turned and headed to the bathroom.

Forty-five minutes later the two women pulled up in front of Becca and Darren's apartment. Becca was out of the car, up to the door, and inside before Gwen could park. After grabbing Becca's bag she left in the car, Gwen followed her in.

Becca was scared. After calling Darren's name there was nothing but silence. She quickly checked all the rooms; he was no where in sight. Coming in behind Becca, Gwen put her friend's overnight bag and dresses on the kitchen table. Then turned to find Becca a bit wild eyed, looking around the kitchen as if searching for something.

"Is everything alright?" Gwen asked.

Becca shook her head, "No, I have no idea where he is, but he has been home."

"How do you know?" Gwen inquired.

Pointing to the white board, Becca responded, "Our messages we left to each other have been erased."

As she watched her friend's emotions build, Gwen tried to defuse the situation by suggesting, "Maybe he is studying again...."

Before Gwen could finish, Becca pointed to the desk across the room. She shook her head violently, "No. His laptop and all his books are right there. He wouldn't go study without them."

The first tears of the afternoon began to fall down Becca's face as Gwen took her friend into her arms to let her cry. For some reason Gwen had a feeling it was going to be a long night.

*********

It was dusk when Darren made it home Sunday night; he was pleasantly tired but not exhausted. "Maybe we can go for Pizza then talk. I'm glad I went and cleared my head."

Noticing Gwen's car in the driveway he thought, "Good she's home, I really need a hug." He moved a bit faster, but when he got to the door it was locked. Pulling out the key chain around his neck, he unlocked the door.

Looking around inside the apartment, he saw Gwen asleep on the couch but Becca was no where to be seen.

As he unloaded his back pack off his shoulder, Gwen jerked awake, her eyes searching for the noise that startled her. Darren was about to greet her when her eyes narrowed into slits as she focused on him.

Her face reflected the rage inside as she jumped up and ran at him. As her hand smacked loudly into his cheek, she screamed, "How dare you do this to her? First you disappear for the whole weekend, turning her into an emotional wreck. Then you leave her alone to worry herself sick about where you were, if you were hurt or even alive, no note, no message, no nothing."

Gwen's voice was shrill and forceful as she continued the tirade. "I've got a good mind to kick your ass all over the sidewalk mister; I just got her to sleep a few hours ago. Who the hell do you think you are?" She raised her hand to slap him again.

Darren stood in stunned silence for a moment as the ringing in his head subsided from the force of Gwen's slap. Her attack was totally unexpected. As his head cleared he only heard a few words of her outburst. 'No note, emotional wreck... '

He saw her raise her hand again and the anger that flared from deep inside him boiled over.

Gwen watched with sickening alarm as Darren's eyes narrowed with contempt, while his jaw clenched and his lips tightened with suppressed fury. He grabbed her raised hand and held it. His voice was low and the hiss of anger obvious as he spoke, "Thank you Gwen for your time and trouble helping Becca." Darren felt himself shaking as he fought for control.

Looking past the frightened girl to the kitchen table, Darren stated, "I left a note, it was on the kitchen table which is now covered up with Becca's stuff, it was cleaned off when I left."

He watched the fight go out of Gwen as she shrunk back. "I'm going to go get a shower then I'm going to bed. When I get out of the shower, hopefully you will be gone. I've never hit a girl or woman before; if you're still here when I come out, I can't promise I'll ever be able to say that again. I was calm and ready to talk; now I need more time. Thank you so much for your help." The sarcastic snarl was not lost on Gwen.

Releasing her hand Darren moved quickly towards the bathroom door, as Becca flung open the door to her room. She looked up at him with a frantic look on her face and said, "Please..."

His look of unbridled anger stopped Becca from saying anything else. Spotting the reddening hand print on the side of his face, Becca stared in confusion at Gwen who was crying while mouthing "I'm Sorry." Looking back up at Darren, she shook her head in disbelief.

The look of pure hatred draining from his face was being replaced by one of pain and loss. He whispered in a hoarse voice. "Not tonight Becca... maybe tomorrow. I need to calm down again." He looked back at Gwen then disappeared into the bathroom locking the door behind him.

He moved slowly to the shower and turned it on and moments later after discarding his clothes climbed in, letting his muscles relax in the hot water.

After brushing his teeth, he finished his nightly routine. As he quietly exited the bathroom, he heard Becca screaming at Gwen, in the kitchen. He glanced at the two of them quickly.

"How could you, I have never raised a hand to anyone and you decide to physically attack him. I know you were upset we both were, but even though you had to listen to me for a couple of days you had no right to touch him. Damn it! How did this get so screwed up?" Becca's voice grew shrill raising an octave as she spoke, her arms wrapped tightly around her body.

"Becca, I said I was sorry... I've been on edge all weekend and I just reacted when I saw Darren." Gwen replied throwing her hands up in exasperation. "I'm sorry! I really am."

Becca shuffled her feet and looked up at Gwen, "I know, I'm pretty sure we all are, but I think it would be best if you go now. Darren and I need to be alone to see if we can dig ourselves out of this hole. I'll call you when things settle down, maybe next week.

Darren turned when Gwen reached for her purse. There would be time for 'I'm sorry' later. Right now he needed a good night's sleep.

He walked the few paces into his bedroom and he did something he had never done before, he locked Becca out for the night. Falling on his bed he pulled the sheet over him and passed out.

Sometime in the early morning hours Darren woke up needing to pee. He almost tripped over Becca who was asleep on a pillow in front of his door, holding tightly onto a blanket in one hand. She had what appeared to be a piece of paper, most likely his letter in the other.

After he got a drink of water and finished peeing, he picked up his girlfriend and carried her into his room. He laid her on the bed, climbed in beside her, and covered them both up.

Becca was so exhausted she barely registered that Darren had her in his arms. Too hoarse from crying to speak, she grabbed onto him, holding on like she was afraid he would disappear.

Darren wrapped himself around her to give her warmth. Stroking her head and back to reassure and comfort her, she was soon snoring peacefully. He quickly fell back to sleep once he knew she was alright.

Chapter Four

Reluctantly Becca agreed to her parent's request and returned home for Christmas Break. As soon as she walked in the door, they could tell their daughter was tremendously distraught. In their sincere desire to help, they were able to convince Becca to finally open up and share her and Darren's problems as she saw them.

Over the next few days, they spent several hours, discussing, questioning, and observing their daughter, her behavior, and analyzing her answers. In the end, their final conclusion and recommendation was that Becca and Darren probably should separate for awhile to clear their heads and get a grasp of their true feelings.

Becca's mom and dad felt it would give the young couple some much needed breathing room to see if they could recapture what they previously had. Considering how the last eight months had torn at the fabric of her and Darren's relationship, Becca was melancholy. But unfortunately, she had to agree with them.

She recalled, 'Darren kept warning me the summer and fall quarters were going to be brutal, I just didn't realize how much. But did he really have to spend over seventy hours a week between classes, library, and study groups.

'I tried to figure out little ways we could be together. Like meeting him at the Library with dinner, or joining him there to do my studies.' She remembered fondly how much they had poured into each other for the five weeks between summer and fall classes. She really felt they had turned a corner.

His comment to her the morning after the blow up in the apartment with Gwen had set her heart aflame. She woke up on his bed with him wrapped around her after falling asleep in front of his bedroom door. It was stupid but she was distraught and did not know what else to do. She had asked him, "How did I end up in bed with you?"

He had sheepishly replied, "I got up to use the bathroom and found you on the floor. No matter how mad I was, I care too much to allow you to suffer like that. So I picked you up, put you in bed and snuggled up with you."

Becca realized that was as close as he had ever come to saying he loved her. Of course she hadn't come out and told him how she felt either.

She had promised herself she wouldn't say that to anyone until she was sure. Especially after telling that to one guy in high school, then quickly realizing she didn't love him shortly after they broke up.

Her relationship with Darren was so confusing, when her mom asked if she loved him, she wouldn't say "yes" but she also couldn't say "no."

The last semester had reset the stage and taken its toll. The constant strain proved to be too much, causing the little nit-picking fights about the stupidest things to start all over again.

Her mother had always told her, "Be sure to pick your fights wisely, too much goodwill is wasted fighting over nothing." Did she heed the life long advice... of course not? Now she wondered, 'Why didn't I listen to her?'

Becca had learned one thing about the stunt she pulled when she went out that Friday night. She now understood why Darren was so upset, finally realizing she would have been too if he had done something similar to her.

The next two times she went out dancing with the work group, it was discussed with Darren several days beforehand. She also called him as soon as they returned to Gwen's house afterwards.

Both times after she had been drinking, Hayden tried to get her to play. But she was ready and forcefully told him loud and clear, "Stay away from me."

Becca made it very clear she was in a relationship and didn't need his stupid macho games. Although indignant, he had backed off.

He turned his attention to playing one of the younger girls in the office. Her name was Gabby short for Gabriele. She always seemed to be one step off of the bimbo bubble.

'But' Becca reminded herself, 'Even though I was true to my guy, I didn't support him fully either. I wonder if I am even capable of having a mature relationship.'

When Becca returned to campus she quickly packed her things and moved into her dorm room. She left a letter and a check covering her half of the expenses for the remainder of the school year so Darren wouldn't have to worry about giving up the apartment.

Before she closed the door, she stared wistfully one last time at her door key left on the kitchen table. As she drove away, she couldn't help but cry and didn't stop for two days. Separating from Darren was one of the most emotionally painful things she had ever done, it was going to be a long two months.

********

Darren came back to school psyched up. He had spent Christmas vacation thinking through the last few months. 'Boy have I been a dumbass, my sole focus has been on school. Looking back now, I realize I could have split the time with Becca and still done well in school. I hope she will let me make it up to her.'

Expecting her to be there he yelled out as he entered the apartment, "Becca baby, where are...?" He began to tremble when he saw her house key on the kitchen table. His fingers lost their grip as his suitcase effortlessly slipped to the floor as he ambled towards her room. Just as he feared, everything was gone.

While fighting back tears, he proceeded to unload his car, trying to keep himself busy. Once he had finished unpacking and putting his stuff away, he closed and locked the front door. After removing his coat and gloves he sat at the table, took in a deep breath, then let out a long slow sigh, as he picked up the key.

Glancing around the room, his eyes settled on the envelope taped to the white board with his name written in Becca's gently flowing script. Afraid to take it down, even more afraid to read its contents, he sat just staring at it.

He just knew in his heart that she was out of his life forever. This wasn't what he wanted. It might be deserved, but it wasn't what he wanted.

For some stupid reason as he hung his head, the lyrics to an old song came to mind.

"'Cause I need you more than I needed before
And now where I'll find comfort, God knows
'Cause you left me just when I needed you most
Left me just when I needed you most."

He couldn't stop thinking about all the things he wanted... needed... should've... said to her. Staring out the kitchen window at the gathering darkness he realized his mind was going thru mental shook, but it didn't help, none of his thoughts at the moment were all that coherent.

With the daylight all but gone, he walked over and turned on the hood light over the stove. Then with no previous intention, he found himself standing in front of the board, just staring at it again. With a sigh of resignation, he reached out and jerked the envelope down.

After picking up a knife from the counter, he threw a leg over one of the kitchen chairs. Darren just stood listlessly looking at the envelope in his hand as he straddled the seat. With a deep breath, he finally plopped down.

Darren sat tenderly tracing the edge of the envelope as if it somehow were part of Becca. Realizing he was only delaying the inevitable by fictitiously hoping the contents would somehow miraculously soften, he took the knife and ran it underneath the flap, opening the envelope. He knew it had to be bad, if it was good, she would be there instead of the letter.

While pulling out the contents, a check for a goodly amount of money came sliding out from inside the letter. Now his curiosity overcame his fears, he opened the letter the rest of the way and began to read.

Darren,

Please believe me and understand, as difficult as this is for you to read, it's been just as painful for me to write. My heart is so torn. I wish I had the wisdom to make our relationship better, but I don't.

The past two semesters have been so difficult for us, I know you needed to get through them with your best possible effort. Believe it or not I am so very proud of how well you did.

But I am not as focused on school as you. I wanted, no needed, more attention than you were able to provide. I'm sorry but I am selfish when it comes to the guy I am attached to.

This may sound weird seeing as how I have moved out of the apartment. But I need to tell you that I have more feelings for you than I have ever had for any guy in my entire life.

Funny thing is, I am pretty sure you feel the same way about me, or I am deluding myself completely. So I am asking for some time apart to clear our heads. I am hoping you will give me the space of a few months to see how we feel about one another.

If after spring break you still want to get back together we can talk about things and hopefully reestablish the relationship. If we really care for each other, then it will happen, if not, then the time apart will prove correct.

All I know is I miss you bad, but right now we probably wouldn't survive because I would nit-pick everything to death. You deserve much better than that.

When the time comes, I truly hope we can salvage what we had from what it has become.

With all my heart,

Becca

P.S. I knew finding a new roommate would be literally impossible. The check is for my part of the rent and utilities for the remainder of this semester. The last thing I would want is for you to have to give up our apartment.

Darren re-read the letter two or three times before putting it down. He braced his elbows on the table as he buried his face into his hands, softly whispering as he cried, "Now I can say it Becca, I love you. All my doubts and fears are gone. Why did it take losing you to make me understand. I feel so empty and lonely, please come back."