All Comments on 'A Slave Obeys'

Good story. BDSM isn't really my cup of tea, but check out my "tie me up" story:

His Wife Surprised Him Again - She decided when he was going to tie her to the bed.

http://www.literotica.com/s/his-wife-surprised-him-again

...and a great introduction to the BDSM genre! You have captured a lot of the feeling of uncertainty, the 'what the hell am I thinking of?' that goes with a meeting of this kind.

Excellent work - 5*s and I can hardly wait to see where this one goes.

Thank you for sharing your talent with us.

traci

I liked the lovely sense of anticipation of the main character. Let us read more.

Excellent effort for a first BDSM. The fear and anticipation, the pain and the pleasure, the flesh and the fantasy, the submission--very real and very hot. I forgive the panty surrender cliché (almost de rigeuer) and the failure to count the strokes cliché. Your lady is hot, and master is believable if a trifle stereotypical.

Worth a 5, but for the sloppy proofreading and copy-editing. Neatness counts, and a good story marred by sloppiness brings out the proofreading Dom in me. As we say, this hurts me more than it will hurt you. And, believe me, I wouldn't waste my precious time and my even more precious brain cells, correcting slop if I didn't feel the author was worth it and could write good hot erotic prose. So sit at your computer, take a deep breath, and read.

“frightened animal”, not “frighten animal”--don’t scare the animals, and use the simile only once, or you’ll wear it out.

“Avoid”, not “void”--prevent or escape, not erase or delete.

“per se”, not “per say”, meaning “as such” or “of or in itself”, not Christine Agiuilera messing up the American national anthem.

“expect me to”, not “expect me too”--this is a broken infinitive, not joining in, “me too”.

“my poor mouth out of”, not “my poor mouth of”.

“my ass cheek”, not “my ass check” unless you write checks with your ass that your cunt can’t cash.

“his warm breath against me too”, not “his warm breath again me too”--his warm breath showed up only once, so it couldn’t show up again.

“They better of been dancing”--exactly what do you mean? Do you mean that her feet had better have been dancing because of the cold? If so, say so. If not, take a moment to collect your thoughts and translate them into intelligible English prose.

“At first I start be counting seconds,”--no “At first I start by counting seconds,” and you can shorten that to “I start by counting seconds” because what you start is a fortiori “at first”. By the way, if you don’t know what a fortiori means, look it up, you might be hearing it (or rather reading it) again.

“silence is imposing”--how about “silence is stifling” or “silence is choking me, like a hand at my throat, pressing the life out of me”?

“35 what? I ask him. His answer coming in the form of a sharp pain to my rear.” How about a wee bit of punctuation, turning illiterate sloppiness into readable prose? Try this: “35 what, I ask him, his answer coming in the form of a sharp pain to my rear.”

“unmerciful”--try an adverb to modify your verbs, it might be a pleasant change: “unmercifully.”

“snickering, with wickedness”--he might be “snickering with wickedness”, but he should do so without an unnecessary comma in the middle.

“master if punishing me”-- no “ifs” about it, love, your “master is punishing” you, so say so.

“stringing flesh.” If your flesh is indeed “stringing”, then he has caused you serious injury and you should call the police. Remember always, “Safe, Sane and Consensual”. If your flesh is “stinging”, however, relax and enjoy. More to come (and to cum, I hope).

“nervous gulp, baring myself”-- needs a period. Try “nervous gulp. Baring myself”-- avoid run-on sentences, they annoy me.

That’s enough to be going on with. Now get an editor, and write some more. You’re good.

A very good BDSM story, its a good introductory point. I don't feel its as good as Tentacle Star but its a good story nonetheless. I especially liked that he gave her a chance to back out, he gave her a chance to realize BDSM wasn't for her after all. I hope you'll write more in the near future!