A Very Ditzy Christmas

"Okay," I said. "I'll meet you out front in an hour. Is that enough time?" I asked, handing her money to cover my stuff in the carts.

"Yep, I know what I'm getting."

We parted ways and I headed right back to the coat section. Donna was still wearing the same coat and sweater that she wore in ninth grade and they were well past their prime. Thanks to my snooping, I knew her sizes and soon I'd picked out a few blouses and a new pair of jeans to go along with the coat and sweater. They also had pj's on sale with matching robe and slippers. Perfect. I was set and soon outside waiting for her. It was only a few minutes before she pulled up.

"All done?" we asked in unison. I tossed the bag in the back seat and Donna drove us home.

*

I wasn't much help to Donna when we got home. I brought one load in and flopped on the bed. I must have been dead to the world because I never even noticed Donna lie down next to me and cover us with a blanket. When I woke, Donna was an inch away from my face snoring like a drunken sailor. As I glanced out the window, I noticed three things. One was that it was getting dark out, two it was snowing, and three, Paulie Toucan was waving at me on the other side of the glass. When he saw that he had my attention, he motioned to me to open the window. I did.

"Hey Douche Bag, I got that table I told ya about," he said, then blow in his hands.

"That fast?" I asked.

"I told ya last night it was no problem. Different size packages fall off the back of trucks all the time. So, ah, ya gonna let us in, or do we just stuff it through the window?" he asked, shaking from the cold.

I opened the front door and he and Paulie Asshole carried it in. It was an elegant looking mahogany, glass top coffee table. It was a light year better than my old one. Words escaped me. "I don't know what to say."

"Fuckin' figures," said Asshole.

"There's no need to say anything, but a simple thank you would be nice, Douche Bag." Toucan said.

"Thank you. Now, why do you keep calling me that?" I asked.

"What?" asked Paulie Toucan, looking at Paulie Asshole as if he really didn't know.

"You know, Douche Bag," I replied.

"That's your name, isn't it?" he said, shrugging his shoulders.

"No, it's Ralph."

"I thought it was his name," he said and turned toward Asshole, "Didn't you think it was his name?"

"Yeah, I thought it fuckin' fit him perfect," Asshole replied.

"Well, I hate to break up this magic moment here, but we got to get back to the tree lot. Say hello to your sweetheart for me and tell her I passed on the word about her pop," and out they went.

After admiring my new table, I went to check on Donna. She was sitting up on the bed wanting to know what was going on. I told her about the table and about Paulie's message. That put her in a good mood.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, "Okay."

"I mean down there," she said pointing at my groin.

"Oh, it's still kind of sore," I replied, not kidding around.

"Let's have a look," she said, tugging at my belt. She pulled my pants and underwear down. "Uh oh."

"Uh oh what?" I said looking down. She turned on the desk lamp and I saw the 'uh oh'. I was black and blue from the base of little Ralph, up to an inch from my navel.

"Do you feel okay other than just being sore?" she asked, not sure whether to laugh or cry.

"It doesn't hurt much other than to touch it. I don't think we'll be, you know," I said making humping motions with my hands, "Any time soon."

"Does this still work?" she asked tapping mini me. She got her answer quickly. "You got hurt yesterday and didn't get to enjoy it. I'm going to do something I never did before. I don't know if I'm going to like it or not, but I'm willing to give it a shot considering I'm the one that injured you." She reached over and put on her Groucho glasses. "If I were you, I'd really try to enjoy this because it might be the only time I ever do it."

She pulled me close to the bed and took me in her mouth. Never taking her hands off my thighs, she used just her lips and tongue over the head and top of the shaft. The feeling was silky, soft, and it kind of tickled. At first, I thought that I could last forever because there was little or no friction. I tried to look down and watch her but her hair was blocking the view. I closed my eyes and enjoyed myself like she suggested.

Just as I was about to tell her that nothing was going to happen, a strange tingling sensation started on the underside and base of the little guy. It slowly moved up to the tip like a slow burning fuse. My thighs shook and I gasped as a jet blasted out and caught Donna off guard. She pulled her mouth off me, gagged, and coughed. What was still down there shot out on her cheeks and neck.

"I'm sorry!" I said, grabbing her some tissues.

"I think it might be a while before we try that again," she replied between coughs.

*

Monday before I came home, I went across the bridge to Jersey and got myself a six-pack of Miller and a bottle of pink wine for Donna. She was busy cooking food for Christmas Day including a big boneless ham. All we had to do was stick the stuff back in the oven to heat it up and eat. There was enough food there to last us the rest of the week, which was kind of nice since we were both off until the Monday after. As the ham and casseroles cooled in the kitchen, we went to separate rooms to wrap our presents.

Tuesday was Christmas Eve and we both had work until six. When I got home Donna was already there having only two blocks to walk.

"Want to go out to eat?" she asked.

"I don't think anything's open," I replied.

"The Ho-Wah is open," she said whipping out a pair of chopsticks.

Ten minutes later, we were sitting in the Ho-Wah, an authentic Chinese restaurant that was consideredthe place to go on a date to impress the girl. I didn't need to impress Donna, I needed to feed her and quick. There weren't many people in the place but more customers were filing in as we waited for our server.

Donna had started to munch on the noodles at the table, dipping them in hot mustard. "You gotta try this," she said, scooping in some more.

"That's a little too hot for me," I said, dipping mine in duck sauce.

"Hello," said an attractive middle-aged Asian woman. "Would you like our special for two tonight?" A beautiful Siamese cat sat on the floor next to her.

"That sounds good, also we want a pu pu platter," I said, feeling extra hungry.

"Pu pu not on special," she stated.

"I know, we want the special and the pu pu platter," I repeated, thinking I wasn't being clear.

"Pu pu not with special, you must pay extra," she said.

"I understand. I'll pay extra for the pu pu platter."

"Pu pu for two is not cheap."

"Okay, forget the pu pu," I said in defeat.

"You get pu pu. I already wrote it down, see?" she said stuffing the ticket in my face.

"Okay, we'll take the pu pu platter."

She glared at me. "You want pu pu or not?"

"Yes!" I barked back.

She turned around shouted something in Mandarin.

The guy working the wok said, "Pu pu for two!"

The man chopping vegetables shouted, "Pu pu for two!"

The fellow cleaning the litter box yelled, "Pu pu for two!"

The lady served us our tea and the cat took turns rubbing mine and Donna's legs. Dinner and the pu pu platter came while Donna and I made small talk. The conversation eventually led to her father.

"I still have no idea why he dropped off the face of the Earth like that. I mean, just because he and my mom didn't get along any more didn't mean he had to stop talking to me. I always thought we were close, but I guess I was wrong," she said, finishing her plate.

I didn't have any words of wisdom for her. My parents were only five minutes away and I saw them twice a week. I had no basis for comparison. She had little to say after that and we finished our meal and headed home.

*

As we walked in, I noticed something not quite right, namely Jim trying desperately to get out the living room window.

"Stop!" I shouted. Jim pulled his head back through the opening. "What are you doing here?" I said, trying to sound as irritated as I actually was. I really didn't need to ask with him trying to hold up his pants, but I wanted to hear him say it.

"Funny you should ask that," he said, buckling his belt. "My friend needed to use a bathroom and we just happened to be in the neighborhood," he explained while Shaky waved to us from outside.

I wandered into the bedroom and it was a wreck. "That's it! Both of you get your asses in there and fix it up! Now!" I hollered, pushing Jim done the hall. Donna yanked Shaky back through the window and shoved her toward Jim. I stood in the doorway with my hands on my hips watching the two. "Change the sheets on the bed."

"They ate the ham!" shouted Donna from the kitchen.

"You two ate a ten pound boneless ham? That was supposed to last me and Donna until the weekend!" I asked astonished.

"We were hungry," said Shaky.

"What, like Fred and Wilma Flintstone?" I looked back toward the kitchen and asked, "Is there anything else missing?"

Donna looked around the corner and sheepishly replied, "They got your six-pack of Miller too."

Jim and Shaky were done with the bedroom and stood there like two kids knowing a spanking was coming. I pointed to the front door, grit my teeth and said, "Get out. I don't want to ever see either one of you again."

They both stood there.

"Get out!"

They went quickly and silently. I may never see Shaky again, but something tells me that I haven't seen the last of Jim.

"What does that leave us with in there?" I asked, feeling low.

Around the corner of the kitchen a potato with her Groucho glasses on and forks stuck in for legs with Donna's voice said, "Well, they didn't touch any of the stuff I made to go with the ham. We could make sandwiches tomorrow and get another ham on Thursday. You can make another run across the bridge for your beer too. We both have the rest of week off so it won't matter that much."

"I guess," I said to Mr. Potato head.

Donna came out of the kitchen and gave me a hug. "Let's put the presents under the tree."

There was one heck of a lot of presents sitting there when we were done. It almost made the tree look less immense.

She grabbed the potato guy and held it up to my face. "I'm tired. Want to go to bed?"

"Are we going to have sex? I don't think I can take any pounding tonight," I said as a reminder.

"I'll go easy on you, but wait here until I call you in," she said, skipping into the bedroom.

'I hope I don't have to do Mr. Potato head too,' I thought.

"Okay, come on in," I heard her say through the closed door.

I heard bells jingle.'Oh boy...'

There she stood dressed as Kris Kringle complete with boots and hat with jingle bells on the top. Well, she wasn't completely dressed like him; she was bottomless.

In the deepest voice she could muster, she said, "Ho, ho, ho. You've been a good boy this year. Tell Santa what you want."

"More oral sex?" I asked, hopefully.

"Santa takes a pass, try again," she said, shaking her jingles bells at me.

I thought for a moment, wondering what we could do that wasn't going to hurt. Finally I said, "How about I return the favor to you from the other night and then you can give me a," I jerked my hand up and down.

"Santa likes the first part but the second needs some work." She hopped on the bed and drew her knees up exposing herself. "Santa says mush!" she commanded.

I'd never done this before but I'd read some adult books that were explicit as well as educational. I laid down between her legs and kissed her.

"Nice," Santa moaned.

Her scent was sweet and not what I expected. I'd always heard that it smelled like fish. Of course, this was Donna and she wasn't like anyone else. Why should this be any different? I used my tongue to find her clit and fingers to expose it fully. I was gentle because I'd read it was sensitive.

"Santa says, you found the mark now mush, mush!" she said, sounding a lot more like Donna than Santa.

'To hell with being gentle,' I thought as I gunned it. I flicked and jammed my tongue as fast as I could on her button while as she bucked her hips below.

"Almost there," she said, grabbing the back of my head and grinding herself on my face. "Yes!" she said followed by a wail sounding like she'd just stubbed her toe. "Santa says thanks," she said breathlessly and blew on a party favor. "Now I know what they mean by a 'Holly Jolly Christmas.'"

I made a trip to the bathroom to make sure I wasn't bleeding and to remove Santa's pubic hair that was lodged between my teeth. When I returned, Santa had removed 'his' coat and was displaying perfect 38 double D breasts. I dropped my pants and said, "Why Santa, what beautiful boobs you have."

"Ho, ho, ho. Glad you noticed. Come here and lay down," 'he' said, patting the bed. I did what I was told and she produced a small bottle of suntan oil. "It was on your dresser." She poured some on her hand and rubbed it generously over my dick, careful not to touch the bruised area. "No, this is not going to be a handjob," she said shaking her head at me.

She finished applying the oil and then oiled up her breasts. Kneeling between my legs and propping herself up on her elbows on either side of me left her beautiful boobs lying on my groin. "Ho, ho, ho, do you know what to do?"

Little Ralph slid into place and slid back and forth. "Like this, Santa?"

"You learn quickly," 'he' answered.

It didn't hurt at all and since I was doing it at my own pace and didn't have to worry about how 'Santa' felt I was able to enjoy myself. Her breasts were so soft and the look on her face of coming up with something much better than a handjob excited me even more. Used my hands to cup her breasts and mold them around me, their soft flesh caressing me with each stroke. My breathing got faster but I slowed my rhythm relishing the imminent explosion to take place.

"Santa says show him how much you like this. Make it a big one."

I'd nearly slowed to a stop as my toes curled and thigh muscles seized up. One last slow push all the way, a groan, and a blast shoot out and hit the wall behind my head. The next mighty jet hit so hard it rebounded back on my face. The remaining projectiles landed on my shoulder and chest. It took a moment to catch my breath and Donna wiggled her boobs over my crotch.

"Santa sees you like that," she said.

"Wow," was all I could muster.

"I got to tell you Ralphie, that was pretty amazing," she said in her own voice, pointing at the wall.

All over the world, Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, or whatever name he was known by, was busy sliding down chimneys making dreams come true. We never heard him as we both slept very well that night.

*

When I woke, Donna was already up and the radio was playing Christmas songs. The smell of coffee beckoned me as I put my robe on and headed to the bathroom. When I came out, Donna was standing there holding a Christmas mug brimming with my morning caffeine and laid a big wet Christmas kiss on me.

"I'm going to make a nice breakfast for us since dinner's gonna suck. Do you want to eat before we open presents or after?" she asked.

"After I guess," I replied, noting that it was already after noon. "That way all we need is to eat light later," I said, explaining my reasoning. I dug out all the things I got for her and shoved them in her direction. One by one, she opened them and made a big fuss over each.

When she was done, I was thanked with several kisses and hugs. Then she handed me a few things. "I'm still waiting for one of the presents to get here," she said, putting on her new robe and slippers.

"Dancing girls?" I asked, kidding.

"You want me to dance?" she asked, standing up and twirling around.

"Not the right kind of mood music," I joked.

"Yeah, it's kind of hard to find the beat to 'Silent Night'."

I opened my things and they were all small stuff like new combs and a toothbrush. I thanked her and gave her a hug.

"Well, I guess I'll start breakfast," she said, looking at the clock and sounding disappointed. As she stood, there was a knock at the door. She started jumping up and down ran to the door. She looked through the peephole and said, "It's here!" She whipped the door open and there stood Paulie Toucan and Paulie Asshole. On the floor in front of them was a large wrapped box with a bulging paper bag sitting on top.

"Merry Christmas!" said Toucan.

"Yeah, whatever," said Asshole.

"Merry Christmas to you guys," Donna said, motioning them in.

Toucan handed her the paper bag and then both of them picked up the box and carried it in. "This is for you, Douche Bag," said Asshole.

Donna started to close the door but Toucan stopped her. He reached out in the hallway and brought another box in. "This one's for everybody," he said setting the box on the new coffee table.

"Holy shit, thank you," I said, wondering what was in the box.

"It's not from us, it's from your Sweetie," said Toucan. Then he shrugged, "Maybe we helped a little."

"You're never going to believe what's in the bag," said Donna.

With these two, I would. "What is it?"

"A twelve pound boneless ham," she said, needing two hands to pull it out.

"How is that even possible that they knew about the ham from last night?" I asked, stunned.

"Your girl asked us over for dinner today when she asked us to help her with this," Toucan said, giving the box a tap with his foot. "We came by last night to drop it off but it sounded like you were having a problem so we waited in the car for things to settle down. When your friend came out, we got the whole story and decided to wait and come back today. In the meantime Paulie here found that on the back dock of the butchers."

"Kind of strange that they leave things like that sitting around. Fucks up the profit margin," Asshole said, giving us an economics lesson.

"What's that?" I pointed to the gift for everybody.

"Oh," said Toucan as he unwrapped it. "Want one?" he asked. It was a whole case of Miller and it was ice cold.

I looked at my coffee and back at the beer. "Yes, please!" I replied.

"The beer distributor has a fucked up profit margin too," said Asshole.

"Excuse me, I'm going to stick this in the oven. Forget breakfast, we're having a Christmas dinner. Don't open that until I come back out!" Donna said, pointing at the big box as she rushed into the kitchen.

I asked them to sit and made some small talk. "Are either of you married?"

"Nah," Toucan replied.

"Fuck that," Asshole stated.

"How about girlfriends?" I asked.

Toucan shook his head.

"What is this, the fuckin' Inquisition?" quipped Asshole.

I heard the oven door close. "Okay," said Donna wiping her hands on a towel. "Open 'er up!"

The tag said 'To Douche Bag from Your Gal'. Very sentimental. I opened it up and couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was a brand new 22" Quasar by Motorola.

"We just happened to have an extra one and seeing that girlie here was in the market for a TV for you, we gave it to her cheap," said Toucan helping me pull it out of the box.

I dragged the TV cart out of the closet, set it up on there, and plugged it in. Even running off the internal antenna the picture was amazing.

"Oops, wait," said Asshole, as he produced a screwdriver and pulled the serial number plate off the back of the set.

"We don't want to leave anything that would lead back to us," said Toucan, innocently.

"Sorry, but your warranty is void," stated Asshole, as he pocketed the plate and screwdriver.

"Those things go for around five-hundred bucks. How much did you pay for it?" I whispered in Donna's ear.