All Comments on 'All in a Day's Work'

Poor proofreading again hurts a really good story. Would she have found him as attractive if he wore paint-spattered blue jeans, hadn't shaved for six days and hadn't showered or brushed his teeth for six weeks? He would still the same man; or would he?

You wrote a good, believable, hot story, but I can't give more than a 3 for the poor proofreading. I wouldn't waste my time or my brain cells if I didn't think you could write a good story. So here goes:

“for being a single parent”, should be “as a single parent”. Clumsy.

“took all of my energy and attention I had to keep up”, should be “took all of my energy and attention to keep up”. Prolix and unnecessary.

“5yo son”, should be “five-year-old son.” 5yo is for the drinks menu, not somebody’s child, especially if they claim to love him.

“At a little over 6 ft., with thick dark hair that looked finger combed into a messy array that somehow stuck up in all the right places.” This is a sentence fragment. Try this: Give name--e.g., Hiram. “Hiram stood just over six feet, with thick dark hair that looked finger combed into a messy array that somehow stuck up in all the right places.” 6ft is the note you make when measuring draperies, not your lover.

“it was his eyes that first drew my attention.”, should be “his eyes first drew my attention.” His eyes are what is important, not “it was”. “It was” are wasted words here.

“dark stormy grey”. Dear God, anything but that! That Bulwer-Lytton chestnut is an instant laugh-provoker. How about “Arctic sea grey”?

“really paying attention to how I looked just glad that I managed to dress everyday in something that wasn't covered in sticky hand prints.”, should be “paying attention to my looks; I was just glad that I managed to dress each workday in something that wasn't covered in sticky hand prints.” Words are like arrows: each one must count.

“starting the coffee warming up the printers, checking the companies voice messages, looking at my work list for the day.”, should be “starting the coffee, warming up the printers, checking the voice messages, and looking at my to-do list for the day.” Serial commas are necessary to keep the reader from having to insert them mentally.

“This was the first time I had been in here without him sitting at the desk usually”, should be “This was the first time I had been in here without him sitting at the desk, usually”. Commas are not your enemy, so don’t be afraid to use them to break up complex or compound sentences; your labor saves the reader’s labor. If you want someone to do something, e.g., read your story, make it easy for them to do so.

“I put his messages, mail and report on his desk and almost turned to go, I should have just turned and walked out but being a woman I couldn't resist snooping just a little.”, should be “I put his messages, mail and report on his desk. I should have just walked out but, being a woman, I couldn't resist snooping just a little.” “Almost” is a wasted word; either you did or you didn’t, and here you clearly didn’t. Break up the thoughts into concise sentences. Rambling is for roses, not for writers.

“leather chair looked comfortable and inviting, but held an air that spoke of a confident and potentially powerful man”, should be “leather chair, though comfortable and inviting, bespoke a confident and powerful man.” If one’s chair holds an air, one needs some Beano or a visit to one’s gastroenterologist. And your character is not “potentially powerful”, he is “powerful.” And “bespoke” is dignified, as he is. No weasel words--tell it like it is.

“the deeper voice of him.”, should be “his deeper voice.” Wasted words.

“letting my presents known”, should be “making my presence known.” He’s gonna unwrap all your presents, baby, very soon. Don’t rely on spell-check programs; be homophobic--I mean about homonyms, not people.

“I almost gasped out loud”, should be “I nearly gasped”.

“increase in his cocks size and hardness”, should be “increase in his cock’s size and hardness”, unless, of course, he has multiple cocks (this I gotta see!), in which unlikely event, should be “increase in his cocks sizes and hardnesses”.

“pants; I reached”, should be “pants, I reached”.

“their exploration”, should be “my exploration.” His public hairs weren’t exploring anything, dear, your fingers were.

“being single, with a kid and dating is almost impossible” should be “being single with a kid makes dating almost impossible.”

“Barely making enough money to pay the bills, much less a sitter, and trying to find the time or energy to get dressed up and go out.” Fragments are for hand grenades, not for English sentences. Should be “I was barely making enough money to pay the bills, much less a sitter, and hardly had the time or energy to get dressed up and go out.”

“My parents both dies”. Sorry to hear it, but if English is your native language or you had a good teacher if it was not, you should use the past tense: “My parents both died”. Alternatively, you might carefully read your story before publishing.

“4 years ago and left”, should be “four years ago, leaving”. Turn a run-on sentence into a compound sentence, faking out us proofreading types--only don’t do it too often.

“latest fantasies cock”, should be “latest fantasy’s cock”, unless you have multiple fantasies, all of whom have only one cock, in which case I do hope they share the wealth.

That said, you have the imagination. Now, in the immortal words of Tim Gunn, "Work work work! Wow the judges!"

Id love to see where these two would go. I hope you'd consider writing more about them! Especially since you wrote how he wanted to do that for a while, def sounds like there could be something good between them!

Characters are completely believable, sex was hot and delicious -- could definitely feel the chemistry there. While I would agree with estragon's comment that there could have been some proofreading, I would take the extent of that person's requested grammar and style revisions with a grain of salt; after all, anyone whose own work generally doesn't even crack a 4 average rating should remember the adage about stones and glass houses. Keep up the good work--I hope to hear more about this pair! :)

Great story looking forward to more!!!

It's not on account of style or proofreading, it's because people don't like the stories I tell. That's their prerogative, as it's my prerogative to keep writing, publishing and proofreading; and as it's Memphisgirl's prerogative to accept or reject any or all of my comments.

I also use my own handle when commenting and don't hide behind anonymous. By the way, what have you posted?

Realllly enjoyed that. More please!

Also Estragon, I think it's a rather impolite to make such detailed criticism in an open comment. Why not just send a message?