As It Seems Ch. 09

"Then why were you yelling at her?" Connor winced

"I'm sorry about that kid I shouldn't have yelled at her or you, I misunderstood the situation."

"Was it because my mom doesn't like her? Sometimes she does stuff to hurt Aunt Alley."

"I don't remember giving either of you permission to be out here." Connor noticed a new bleakness in Daniel's eyes and wanted to question it, the little boys face seemed to age years. "Well?" Jenny stood behind him tapping her foot and crossing her arms, "go inside and get washed up and head straight for bed." Jenny glared down at Daniel. Connor's lips quirked as Daniel met her glare with one of his own before taking Clara's hand and leading her into the house.

"Do you see what they are doing to my children?" Jenny demanded her arms folded across herself, tears shimmering her eyes.

"Who?" Connor asked his eyes sharpening looking for any sign of lying.

Her eyes hardened, "the fucking Hadrian's, they are turning my children against me. They are making me the enemy."

"What's going on with you and them?" he stood towering over her. She always forgot how tall he was, she took a step back intimidated by his height and the intensity of his eyes. He was seeing into her and she didn't like that.

"They hate me," her voice wavered; Connor listened to the minute changes in her voice, searching for lies. "Don't ask why because I don't know. It's Alexa she's always-"

Connor took a slow step forward, "she what?" he demanded dangerously, Jenny could barely contain her excitement misunderstanding Connor's agitation. She wanted as many people to hate Alexa as possible. If she were honest she'd admit she was jealous, Alexa was everything she wanted to be, she was perfect and beautiful and so exotic Jenny knew she could never compete. "Did she try to steal your husband? Bad mouth you to your kids? What did she do jenny! Because all I can see is you trying to hurt that girl! And for what? What did she do?" Jen's excitement faded igniting into anger, she had him too, her own brother turned against to side with Alexa.

"You're on her side!" she accused

"I don't have time to be on anyone's side, but I have to tell you out of everything I've seen and heard so far I miss judged that girl. And it was because I listened to you. I believed you!"

"Are you calling me a liar?"

"You're goddamn right I am and what I want to know is why?" Jenny turned to storm off and Connor caught her arm holding it tight. She faced him her chin held up in defiance her eyes gleaming.

"Take her side and go to hell!"

"Really? Is this how we're going to do this? Do you know how I treated that girl? The things I said and thought about her? The things I thought about doing to her! Because you're jealous of her for whatever reason!" he shook jenny, she clenched her teeth to keep them from rattling.

"Oh no you're not going to blame me for that you seemed pretty ready to see the worst. What is it Connor is your work getting to you? Is everybody your enemy now? You can't see fault in Alexa so now you're blaming me for whatever fucked up ideas were going through your head? What were you going to do? Call in a favor? Make her disappear?" Jenny laughed when he shoved her away from him in disgust. Was it with her or himself?

Connor stepped back as though she punched him, "you know what little sister, and the next time your life is falling apart don't come to me! And don't blame anyone but yourself, as of now I am fucking done with this whole fucking family. Tell Ma she can keep her candle lit," Connor waved his hand at the candle flickering in the window, "and tell dad he's right his son is dead, the same goes to you I'm fucking dead!" He turned ready to storm off. Why did he do this to himself? He should have left everything as it was, he should have stayed a stranger.

"Wait Connor-"Jenny felt panic rise up, this isn't what she wanted. This isn't how this was supposed to go. She grabbed his arm.

"Fuck you! Let me go!"

"No what about my kids, they already love you-and you're my brother, believe it or not I love you and miss you! I need you." Genuine tears burning her eyes, suddenly this wasn't a game to turn people against Alexa. Now it was about stopping her brother from walking out of her life.

"Are you still playing that game save it you weren't too concerned about me while you were yanking my chain, as for the kids they're young they'll forget me..." he left the rest unsaid. Music muffled in Connor's pocket, "Connor," he barked hardened to Jen's upturned tear streaked face.

He turned and walked away, "yeah I'm free tonight. I'll be there soon."

"Connor-"she reached out again but put her hand down when she saw the venom firing through his dark blue gaze. In that moment she regretted ever hurting him. She never wanted to see his eyes that dark blue again, not his beautiful bright eyes now darker than the night sky.

"Tell Daniel and Clara I said goodnight," Jenny nodded dumbly afraid if she said anything else she'd push him even further away. She stepped back as he left without a backwards glance. She knew he would come back, he always did at some point he just needed to cool off.

***

Alexa stared out of the window into the house next door with heart wrenching longing. It was hard to this close to the kids and not visit. She knew how Jen's family felt about her, but as far as Jenny was concerned she never knew what was going on in her head, no one ever really knew. She wondered when the last time Connor visited his family. Was he over there now? Why did he pop up now out of nowhere? What should she call him? Nathan? Connor? Or her particular favorite Asshole. She snorted shaking thoughts of Connor and his family out of her head. She was on a date she shouldn't be thinking about anything else but having a good time.

She left Gauge over an hour ago. She wanted to stay, but he pushed her out telling her he was fine and that he wanted her to have a good night with Allen. She didn't even think he remembered her mentioning her date, but apparently he did.

"I feel bad enough for yelling at you, don't make me feel worse by missing your date." he kissed her forehead "thank you Alley, for being here." She smiled and nodded, "call me if you need anything and here's some cash-"

"Gauge-"

"Before you say anything tell me does your dad or brother know you're seeing anyone?" she bit her lip shaking her head. She wanted to keep this simple, just to herself for a while. She knew Gauge wouldn't say anything until she was ready. "So I'm already in trouble if they find out I knew so don't add to it by not taking some emergency money, and is this what you're wearing? You know incase I have to report you missing." He winked through puffy red eyes.

"Gauge," she rolled her eyes

"Alexa," he mocked folding his arms.

"Yes, dad this is what I'm wearing." He opened the car door for her and she stepped in.

He shivered, "love it when she calls me daddy," he winked closing it. "I'm serious call me if-"

"I will," she smiled starting her car and waving as she drove off.

"Are you feeling okay Al?" Allen' voice made her jump. He was behind her his arm stretching over her shoulder to offer a cup of steaming liquid. She inhaled smiling a thank you.

"Yes, I'm okay, I just-"she shrugged looking up at him. "I don't know." She sighed; she didn't know how to be around him. He was so sweet, thoughtful, and beautiful the way his white teeth contrasted against his dark skin. His full lips always curved into a ready smile. She could see why he was a doctor and why he was always on call. She knew his phone would buzz sometime tonight, it always did. It didn't make her angry although it could get annoying. Mostly she was proud that he wanted to spend his free time with her. "I'm sorry I-"

He turned her towards him holding her chin up gently, noting the slight wince. His eyes softened to a velvety brown, he wanted to kiss her, he wanted to take away whatever bad experience she in the past that mad her so distant.

"Don't apologize; just tell me what's on your mind." His full lips brushed her forehead. She closed her eyes letting the warmth buzz in her stomach. She leaned into him he took the mug from her sitting it down. She wrapped her arms around him. He made it all sound so easy, like she could just open her mouth and tell him everything.

She almost did," no I don't want to talk about it, I just want to be here with you," she glanced up quickly at him, biting her lip.

"What ever you want sweetheart," he smiled kissing the top of her nose. "Dinner's almost ready."

"What did you make? It smells so good." Her nose twitched to all the spices including what ever was in that mug. "What's in the mug?" she asked grabbing as he led her to the kitchen.

"What do you want me to answer first?" he laughed.

"Both," she crossed her arms over her chest belligerently.

"Okay cute stuff, for dinner we're having a bit of southern comfort. Smothered steak and rice, greens and macaroni and cheese. As for the mug it's blackberry tea." He saw the worried expression on her face.

"Umm I don't know I've never really eaten food like that."

"Really, what sort of food do you usually eat?" he lifted a lid and stirred the pot.

"Mostly Italian, some French, whatever mommy H or Gauge makes up and they never really did southern food."

"Tell me about your family," he said pulling out a barstool for her, so she could sit next to him while he finished up.

"Not much to tell really," she shrugged. "I was adopted by the Hadrian's when I was about 6 and it became official when I was about 8 or 9." She lowered her eyes to her mug as she sipped the tea. Hiding from his scrutiny, she didn't have to look at him to see it. It was always there when people saw her with Hadrian's or they found out she was adopted. She knew the questions that would come next. Did she grow up in a group home, did she know her parents, was she ushered to and from foster homes, was she abused, did her parents leave her and drive off somewhere, did she ever plan on looking for her natural parents? People seemed to love to make a guessing game out of her life; they saw it as an opportunity live out the drama's they saw on TV. It only really hurt when they guessed right.

He didn't ask her anything, but she felt his eyes on her, she felt the admiration and appreciation. He waited patiently for her to say more and she found herself wanting to, but what if his attitude about her changed when he found out about her mother. When she found out that her father was probably a Jon to support her mother's habit.

"My papa was a detective investigating a murder scene," she waited for the gasp and shock but he only pulled up a chair next to her and rubbed her back like he knew it would ease the lump in her throat. "I was hiding in the closet, my mother was the victim, one of her clients beat and strangled her." should she say it was because the Jon wanted Alexa and her mother was just barely sober enough to stop him? Should she tell him that her mother told her to hide? Should she tell him she heard her mommy's voice in her head telling her not to be afraid of the man opening the door because that was her papa. "He found me hiding and picked me up. Every time he tried to hand me off to someone I cried, they thought I would calm down but I didn't they say I cried for three days and I wouldn't eat, so papa came back for me and took me home with him. The Hadrian's were the only people I felt safe around, I don't know why they adopted me but..." she shrugged her eyes lifting to meet his. He leaned forward his lips grazed hers; it was such a light tender kiss she almost wondered if it really happened. The only proof was the tingling buzz and his guilty smirk.

"You didn't have to tell me that, but I'm glad you did. Thank you. C'mon dinner's ready." He said gently tugging her ponytail. He saw how difficult it was for her to share and let her off the hook. Is this what it was supposed to feel like to date someone? That stolen kiss was the closest he's ever been to forcing an issue. She felt respected, liked, appreciated. He had yet to ask her to sleep with him. She didn't feel any pressure it felt sort of like an old fashion courtship. And she liked it. The only thing missing was him asking her father's permission which she knew he would have. Although, sometimes she wondered if he was distant out of respect or out of something else. Did he know with every touch she compared it to how it felt when Connor touched her all those weeks ago? Did he know that some nights she touched herself trying to mimic the same feeling only to feel dirty, ashamed and angry with herself for having any sort of feelings for someone like Connor?

They sat at the table he replaced her mug with the iced version of the blackberry tea. "Tell me about your family." She said before taking a sip from her glass. "How'd you end up with this house? What made you become a doctor?" Allen loved her curiosity about him and his life, most girls pretended to be interested until they found out how much money he made, then they would try to trap him into marriage. He liked that she took things slow. She wasn't trying to get him to bed even though it killed him to keep his hands off of her. She was so sexy and didn't know it in her lady like mannerisms. The way she looked up at him shy and curious, the little blushes when she told embarrassing stories about her self.

He smiled sadly, "my mother had a drug problem and left when I was a little boy, Me-momo took care of me. This was her house," he saw Alexa's eyes water and used his napkin to dab at her eyes, "I came back to take care of her. She's in early stage of dementia but I'm not here enough to take care of her so I moved her into a nursing home not to far away. I try to visit everyday. I'm friends with the head nurse so I know it's nice place." He felt guilty for putting her in there; he wished he had the time to take care of her needs. He even tried to get her a private nurse it just didn't work. She wondered off too many times. "Some days she remembers me..."he shrugged, "some days..."his voice trailed off.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked." She took the napkin in his hand and finished dabbing her eyes.

"No I'm glad you did, how do you like the food?"

"It's really good I've never had rice with gravy before it was always mashed potatoes. Actually I've never really had any of this except for the Mac and cheese, I think it's the best I've ever had."

"Thanks just make sure you save room for dessert."

Her eyes lit up a shimmering green gold as she asked what they were having.

"What southern dinner would be complete without peach cobbler and ice cream?"

"I think I want to marry you." They both laughed but Allen knew she was what he wanted. He did want to marry her and he knew if he said it she would clam up. She was just starting to let down her guard. He'd give her time, he'd take this slow. He didn't think it would hit him so fast or so hard.

They moved into the living room to let dinner settle before dessert. He laughed when he put on some jazz, she scrunched her nose and shook her head, and "you don't like jazz?"

"No," she lowered as though confessing a sin. "My last boyfriend tried to get me into it but..." she sighed and shrugged. It was the first time she mentioned her ex and he wondered about it. He wondered what type of relationship it was. He had an idea which is why he didn't push for more.

"What kind of music do you like?"

"I like almost anything-what I said almost!" he lifted his eyebrows in accusation. "I like a lot of music, mostly pop though. I know it's not unique or individual but that's what I like." Her voice trailed off as he sat next to her. Her cheeks tingled, a blush flirting to bloom.

His hands went to her face; feeling the heat rising in her. He leaned into her slowly giving her the chance to pull away. His lips pressed into hers. A moan fluttered in her throat. He felt her tense and relax only to tense again. His thumbs rubbed up and down the line of her jaw her mouth opened under his. Her stomached flipped her body vibrated. So much like what she felt when Connor touched her, but this was softer more tender. It wasn't a gut wrenching need devouring her. She felt his body guiding hers down and fear took over.

"No," she pushed away gasping for breath jumping to her feet, "I'm sorry I can't-I-I-"her breathing came in short and desperate.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to push. Come here have a seat." He tried to guide her to the couch and she jumped back, "relax sweetheart," he pulled her to him rocking her and rubbing her back as she tried to push away. Her breath quickened.

I can't breath!She panicked her heart pounding, her vision blurring and stinging with tears. She knew Allen was still there. She could hear him talking to her, talking her out of her hysteria. But his voice sounded so distant she could barely hear it through the blood rushing between her ears. The room was spinning dark spots and white flashes appeared in front of her.I'm dying! I'm dying!She thought over and over,there's not enough air! I'm going to die! I can't breath!

"Alexa look at me, calm down, look at me. Relax you're okay you're having a panic attack. Breath in deep for me." Her tears puddled in his palms as he held her face up. His voice was tight and controlled. She felt herself calming down. He took long deep breaths and she followed his lead. "Here let me get you some water-"

"No," she held on to him, hiccups and sniffles made her voice husky and choppy.

"I'll be right back," he kissed her forehead. Shame burned through her. Allen handed her the glass keeping a close eye on her breathing, watching for any sign of relapse. She took a short sip. The cool water helped calm her burning cheeks and eased the constriction in her throat.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what happened." Allen stepped towards her and she took a step back.

"Has it happened before?"

"Yes-no-sort of not quite like that." She gasped.

"What happened?"

She thought of Connor, he was on top of her, holding her down she felt the same heaviness in her chest. The same shortness of breath. If nothing else she was relieved that she didn't flash back to that night with Marcus.

"I-"she opened her mouth and closed it again. Every time she opened it she croaked for air.

"Stop, honey, stop." Allen pulled her in a hug. "Whatever it is you obviously can't talk about it. Just know that I will never push you into anything." As he said that his phone sang out. "Ignore it" he said when she looked over at it then at him.

"No I should go, thank you for...everything" she kissed his lips before leaving. He called after her and swore as he picked up the phone.

***

Janabelle pushed back tears and frustration. She gnawed her lip fighting the urge to turn back. She knew she hurt him, but being with him would hurt more. She didn't have a path she was a floating disaster. She was waiting for the day she turned into her mom, absent and probably alone or maybe even dead. Bella wondered at the possibility that she was still alive. She hadn't heard form her since she was ten. If she was alive was she still using or did she straighten up completely leaving behind her past including an unwanted daughter. What if she gave in to Gauge and he did the same, she would never be able get over that. It was better this way, to end their friendship while she had good memories. She quit the pub so she wouldn't have to be around him, so she couldn't find reasons to brush against him or have him tickle her and call her munchkin. She laughed through her tears.

I should just move away, why not leave everything behind? I could be free just like her. Nothing holding me back or down. I won't have to spend my life waiting for him to OD I won't have to think about anyone but me.She thought as she opened the door.