Badge of Betrayal

Bud winced. He knew the work was brutal and hated having to make Deputies spend part of their time each month getting it caught up. Even though these crime and incident reports were so old, the state mandated that all records going back 15 years had to be entered into the state database. This sucked because all of the neighboring states only mandated 10 years and the national standard was only seven. Any unresolved felony cases, no matter how old, were also required to be updated and entered digitally into the state database. No one had even begun to touch that stack of cold case files, which also entailed re-establishing chain of custody for any evidence gathered in those cases.

"Well, why don't you take a break and step into my office for a bit," Bud offered.

I welcomed the break from the blinding paper and computer work and said, "Gladly!"

I followed Bud the few short steps down the hall to his office and seated myself in one of two short-backed leather swivel chairs in front of his large oak desk. A large computer desk sat directly behind Bud's executive leather chair and looked comically large as Bud preferred to use a laptop computer instead of a desktop.

Bud had, like any good Sheriff or Police Chief, numerous pictures, plaques and awards plastering his walls that highlighted his nearly 30 year career in law enforcement. Like me, Bud's career had begun with the Red River Falls Police Department where he had served for over 18 years, rising to the rank of Lieutenant, before winning his first term as Sheriff. Bud had won three of those terms, so far, and wasn't even facing a challenge from anyone in next year's election.

"Pat, as you know, the committee has assisted me over the past few weeks by reviewing the applications and conducting interviews for the position of Captain and Chief Deputy Sheriff," Bud began. "I have in my hand their report and recommendation of the individual they would like to see appointed to that position."

Bud handed me a vanilla folder containing the report. I opened the folder and scanned the cover letter that sat on top of the stack of evaluations for each candidate. I quickly shifted my focus to the last paragraph of the letter:

Therefore, the Selection Committee has made the decision to recommend Deputy Sheriff Sean Patrick Quinn to fill the vacant position of Captain and Chief Deputy of the Mason County Sheriff's Department. The committee trusts that Sheriff William Roberts will give all due concern and consideration to this recommendation and will make final appointment to the position based on the information contained in this report. The committee members would like to extend their thanks to the Sheriff, his department and to the Mason County Board of Supervisors for seeking our helping in fulfilling this essential task.

Respectfully submitted,

R. Holland Steele,

Director, Red River Falls Public Works

Selection Committee Chair

Wow. I couldn't believe it. I had felt fairly confident going into the process that I would make a strong candidate but I knew there were other Deputies, as well as members of the Red River Falls PD, who had applied for the position and would have made good Captains, as well. One of those candidates was Pete Sturgeon, a current Captain on the Red River Falls PD, who I knew would probably not take the news well. Pete knew that Bud and I had been friends going all the way back to our days on the Red River Falls PD, too.

Bud reached his hand across the table. "Congratulations, Captain. I'm proud to say this was a recommendation that wasn't difficult to accept."

I gripped the Sheriff's hand firmly in reply. "Thank you, Sheriff. I won't let you down."

We chatted for a few more minutes and he told me that the formal announcement of my promotion would take place that afternoon around 14:30 as the day shift was ending and the Deputies from the night shift would be arriving for work.

"Now," Bud said, "I would imagine that someone's wife and kids would love to hear this news."

"I can't wait to tell them," I said grinning stupidly. I hadn't been this giddy since the day I got married.

"Just so you know," Bud cautioned, "if you think your days of doing paperwork are over, think again. There's a lot more of that which comes with the job. You're going to be the direct supervisor to all of the Lieutenants and Deputies, as well as the tactical officer for the Narcotics Task Force and Special Operations Group. You'll also be handling the preparation of warrants and occasionally serving warrants, too."

"I know, I know. But the chance to keep normal hours and be home for dinner almost every night is worth it," I said.

"Congratulations, Patrick. I look forward to working with you even more closely," Bud said as he waved me out of his office.

Captain Pat Quinn. Chief Deputy Pat Quinn. I kept saying them over and over in my mind, hoping that soon it would sound normal. I guess a lot of things take some time in getting used to. I decided I needed to keep my focus and returned to my desk to continue digitizing reports. The next thing I knew, Bud was by my side again and pulled up a chair.

"One more thing, Pat," he said looking intent. "I forgot to tell you that I'm going to be sending you to a two-week training course in Minneapolis. It is an Executive Law Enforcement Officer Professional Development and Leaders Initiative Course. It gets put on by the Federal Law Enforcement Academy. Instead of sending everybody to Georgia all the time, they're doing outreach classes around the country. They just finished one in Cheyenne and they'll be holding the next one in the Twin Cities in about two weeks. It'll be a good way for you to get your feet wet at the next level."

"Wow. Sounds intense," I said as Bud stood back up.

"It's not. It is tough from an intellectual and educational standpoint. But the course is almost entirely classroom oriented with a few table-top exercises thrown in for fun," Bud explained.

"Oh, goody," I said dryly. "Death by Power Point."

Bud patted me on my left shoulder. "Welcome to the next level Pat," he chuckled as he walked away. "I just wanted to let you know so you can give the family a heads up that you're gonna be gone for a couple of weeks. But the hotel and the meals are on us! And if it makes you feel any better, I'll be there going through it with you!"

"Not really," I chuckled.

I returned to my computer. A promotion and an out-of-town training conference, I thought. Maybe the two-week separation would do me and Clarissa some good and give us both some time to think.

At shift change that afternoon Sheriff Roberts called all of the Deputies and staff members into the briefing room to announce my promotion to Captain and Chief Deputy. He kept it short and sweet and asked everyone to give me a round of applause. Everyone clapped but I couldn't help but notice that the applause was more tepid than I was expecting. I knew several of the Deputies had also applied for the position, so I chalked up the response to a few of them being a little butt-hurt over my selection. I wasn't going to let it get me down and, at 1600, I hopped in my truck and headed home.

Clarissa was helping the boys with their homework when I walked into the house and dinner was in the oven.

"How was work?" Clarissa asked.

"Interesting," I replied cryptically.

"Oh? How so? I thought they had you going blind on old paperwork," she said, puzzled.

"Yeah, I was. But there was a development just before noon."

"Are you going to tell me?" she begged. "Or are you going to just play twenty questions?"

I draped my jacket on the back of one of the dining room chairs before answering. "The selection committee gave their recommendation to Bud for the Captain and Chief Deputy position. Bud accepted their recommendation and subsequently offered me the position."

"What?" Clarissa asked, completely startled. "Chief Deputy? That's like number two in the department, right?"

"Yes, it is."

"So, it is the Sheriff, and then you, right?" she said, trying to figure something out in her head.

"Yes, it is," I said slowly, trying to see where she was going with this. "Are you not happy about this or something?"

"No, it's not that. It's just...I guess....wow!" was all she could stutter.

"Do I at least get a hug for my promotion?" I asked with my arms outstretched.

"Uh, yeah. I'm sorry. It's just....such a.....surprise," Clarissa said as she embraced me. I had been hoping for the same sparks I got from hugging Shannon, but Clarissa pulled away too quickly. She then stood there with a closed-off posture with her arms folded.

"Well, I just want you to know there are going to be some changes," I started to explain. "My work day will resemble more office-hours than what I had previously. My general work day follows county business and runs from 8 am to 4 pm, same as the courthouse. However, with my new duties, there will probably times I will need to be in earlier and stay later. I'll get comp time, of course, but there will also be a lot more meetings, including weekends."

"Will you mostly know ahead of time?" Clarissa asked?

"For the most part. But you just never know. There will also be some out-of-town travel occasionally around the state and elsewhere, beginning with a leadership training seminar that I will be gone two weeks for at the beginning of November."

"Like how often?" she wanted to know.

"Hard to say," I said grabbing a soda from the fridge. "I would imagine that some parts of the job will be routine in a lot of ways and I'll get the hang of things as time goes by."

Clarissa got quiet. "What about the dangerous stuff?" she asked.

I let out a sigh and said, "Well, for the most part that is done. Obviously, I won't be patrolling anymore, so that rules out car stops and chases. But part of my duties will be to serve as the executive officer in charge of the narcotics task force and special operations group."

"So, you'll still be kicking down doors and busting crack and meth houses," she said getting defensive.

"Not exactly," I tried to reassure her. "As the officer-in-charge my responsibilities will be more along the lines of tactical planning and oversight. Sure, I'll still dress and look the part, just in case things go to shit all of a sudden. But for the most part I won't be the sharp end of the stick anymore."

"Good," she said, seemingly soothed. "So will there be a decent pay increase with your new position?"

I chuckled and nearly choked as she asked me the question while taking a swig of my cola. "You sure get down to the point, don't you," I said, wiping my chin.

"Well, I would think there'd be a bump in pay, isn't there? After all, you're going to have a lot more responsibilities and such. They'd better pay you more!"

"Easy, easy," I said calmingly. "My salary as a patrol Deputy, as you know, was a little over $55,000 a year. The salary of Chief Deputy is $89,000 a year."

"Oh, my God!" Clarissa exclaimed. "I was expecting a bump in pay, but not a $34,000 bump in pay!"

"Well, you gotta understand that I was selected and promoted over the Sergeants and Lieutenants on the department. That's two pay bumps right there."

We all sat down together for dinner about an hour later and chatted more about my new position and duties. For the first time in a long while, the atmosphere in our house was genuinely warm. I didn't get any celebratory sex that night but when she came to bed, Clarissa actually did snuggle up next to me and gave me a kiss goodnight, which was more than I had gotten in the weeks since I had been home from the hospital.

I didn't push things much over the next week or so, but I did start to get a little anxious in the days leading up to the law enforcement conference in the Twin Cities. I brought home flowers for Clarissa, which she accepted with a smile. But at least she didn't throw me any snide remarks about it being an open gesture expecting sex, which was what usually happened when I brought home flowers. Over the last year or more any traditional romantic gestures were taken by Clarissa as an expectation of sex and she had begun to resent them. I had always thought that women appreciated little gifts, flowers and other tokens of affection but Clarissa always assumed there were strings attached.

Finally, it was the night before I was to leave for the conference. I couldn't take it anymore. It had been over five months at that point since Clarissa and I had made love. I was afraid if I left for the conference without at least one last moment of true physical connection and emotional bonding that Clarissa and I were done for.

I had been packing my clothes when Clarissa came into the bedroom looking for something in her hope chest. I slowly walked up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist and hugged her from behind. She didn't withdraw, but simply placed her hands and arms on my own and accepted the embrace. I kissed her gently on her ear. Clarissa turned around and hugged me with her head on my chest.

"I want to make love to you before I leave, Clarissa," I whispered.

"Patrick, please. Please don't," she said pulling away from me.

I stood there deflated. I was out of options and out of patience.

"What?" I demanded. "What is the problem?"

Clarissa sat down on the edge of the bed, arms folded and looking away from me.

"What do you expect from me, Clarissa?" I said even louder. "What has happened over the last few years that all of a sudden you find me absolutely repulsive?"

"I should ask you the same thing, Patrick!" she retorted. "What exactly do YOU expect from ME? It's like you expect me to stay home, cook and clean, take care of the boys and be at your sexual beck and call all the time!"

"You know," I said forcing myself to calm down, "if we had sex an average of once a month, I might just consider your point. And that's a pretty big might."

"You're not the only one who has been affected by everything the last few months, you know," Clarissa said desperately looking for a point to make. "This whole thing has affected me, too! Do you know what it has been like for me? Do you know what it has been like almost being a widow before I'm even in my mid-thirties? Having to consider the possibility of being alone for the rest of my life? With two boys to raise on my own?"

"Don't use the boys as an excuse for this, Clare!" I hissed. "We are talking about problems that have been ongoing for the last couple of years! This isn't just something that occurred with the shooting and you damned well know it!"

"Oh, I'm sooooo sorry," Clarissa moaned, overly dramatic. "I'm sooooo sorry that my health needs don't seem to take precedent over your need to get LAID," she said gesturing grandly to make her point. "Did you ever stop to think about what was best for ME?"

"Yes, yes I have. And what is best for you would be to talk to your doctor and get a prescription to FIX the problem. There is no shame in getting treatment for a medical condition, Clarissa," I tried to reason.

"The last thing I want to do is pump my body full of drugs and chemicals, Patrick," she said. "You know how those things affect my body."

I shook my head. "Sounds like an excuse. And I'm tired of making excuses for you and I'm tired begging and pleading for something that should be a normal and regular part of our marriage. If you truly gave a shit about me, Clarissa," I said resuming my packing, "you'd do something about this instead of just make excuses."

"And if you gave a shit about me," she shot back, "you'd want what is best and natural for me and not want me to do something that I'm not comfortable with. All you're thinking of is yourself and what you want!"

I was tired of it all. I decided right then and there that I was going to take the two weeks I would be away in the Twin Cities to figure out what I was going to do, what my next move would be when I came home. If this is what my life was going to be like, then I wanted no part of it. Being on an acreage out in the country wasn't worth being miserable for the rest of my life and losing the acreage was almost a certainty if it came down to getting a divorce. Suddenly, the thought of that didn't scare me. It should have but it didn't. The idea actually had a calming effect on me once I accepted it.

Clarissa noticed that I hadn't said anything for a few minutes as I ignored her and continued to pack. Finally, the sound of silence became too much for her and she had to ask.

"What, Patrick? What do you want from me?" she queried.

I stopped packing, stood up straight and let out a long sigh.

"I'll tell you what I want, Clarissa," I said sitting next to her. "I want a wife that wants me to be an equal part of the marriage. I want a wife who is willing to receive affection from me and give it in return. I want a wife who will accept romantic gestures from me and not automatically attach some ulterior motive to it. I want a wife whose skin doesn't crawl when I want to touch her. I want a wife who doesn't arbitrarily refuse me ninety-nine percent of the time when I want to make love to her, because I love her, and because after almost 15 years of marriage I still find her as beautiful and as sexy as the day I first met her. What I want is to have my wife back, the woman I fell in love with, not the shell of a human being that has no ability to give or receive love to her husband. All you are to me anymore is just a ghost of the woman I fell in love with. I keep hoping she will return, but that hope dies a little more every single day."

I stood up, closed my suitcase and set it near the door to the bedroom. I proceeded to hang up three clothes bags containing my three suits as well as two complete sets of uniform on the hook behind the door. Clarissa sat there with tears in her eyes and said nothing. I had hoped she would at least say something but I got crickets in return.

"You'll have the bed to yourself for the next couple of weeks anyway," I said softly, "so you might as well have it to yourself tonight." Clarissa just sat there sobbing now.

I grabbed a few blankets from the hall closet and a spare pillow and made my way downstairs to the living room where I made myself as comfortable as I could on the couch.

My alarm went off precisely at 4:30 the next morning. The conference wasn't scheduled to start until 10:00 so I had plenty of time to grab a shower, dress and leave for the conference. I opted to shower in the main bathroom rather than the master bath so I wouldn't wake Clarissa.

When I finished showering I dressed in a pair of khaki dress slacks, dress shirt, tie and a tan western style blazer that I had purchased. I opted for a pair of brown leather Tony Lama square-toed boots that I had treated myself to shortly after my promotion. Now that I was Captain and Chief Deputy Bud had insisted that I wear suits to work rather than a typical duty uniform.

I finished loading my clothes in my vehicle and went back in the house to gently give each of the boys a quick smooch on the head. They were both still sleeping soundly at this hour and I didn't want to wake them to say goodbye. I had promised each of them the night before that I would call them the first night and regularly while I was gone.

My new work ride, since becoming Captain, was a 2013 metallic silver unmarked Ford Crown Victoria. It still had the basic Police Interceptor package -- shocks, brakes, V-8 engine and other refinements -- but lacked the large radio and light console as well as the Quick Book computer. As I was getting ready to leave, I noticed Clarissa standing at the front door still dressed in her pajamas and a robe. I reached for the door and was about to get back out of the car but I was struck by a feeling that I shouldn't. Only one of two things was going to happen -- either I would make a fool of myself and try to make up for the night before or she would simply give me a thread of hope to falsely cling to while I was gone.