All Comments on 'Betrayed Over Conception Ch. 04'

Avoid this story and this writer. He is no author and the story is lousy.

this piece is not that great - but it is not that awful either. it was simply an unclear story - i couldn't make out the purpose here.

Apparently some of your readers don't like your writing. I think your writing is great. You took some people and made a real story out of it. I like revenge but in this case wasn't overly necessery. I looked forward to reading the next chapter each day. That's another good thing. You didn't take a week to post a chapter. You could follow them daily.

You people (readers) lighten up out there. If you don't like the story then stop reading it and go on. Let the author write his story and those that want to read it CAN.

If you don't like the story then just say you don't like it. Again kudos to the author, decent story and look forward to the next chapter.

Your story is great...best I ever read.

Why do I get the feeling that Gloria will Be heart stricken when she learns she is the one that's 'infertile'?

Very little point to the story if they get a divorce and go their seperate ways. That's a biography.

Good story. Far too much infidelity but noone seems to be committed.

This story was a rambling series of sexual encounters with no consequences and no real pleasure. Just biological functions. Your third chapter's title referred to the wife wondering about hubby's impotence. You really meant sterility. He was certainly not impotent as he rutted everything but the dog, and that be the next chapter!

Nightowl22: Thanks. I must emphasis what I thought would be obvious: the focus of the story is the conservative engineer. The marriage is pivotal for a while, but then life goes on; that's reality isn't it? I didn't realise there was a limit to how much infidelity one was permitted to enjoy (or write about); even scoundrels don't have to conform.

Try have a plan: You're reading the result. Try not to be mean - some people like rambling novels (novellas?) especially Americans.

Your story is best I ever read: I smell a rat; have you escaped from somewhere or have missed taking your medication? Do you write? - as I'd like to be a critic as I would of many other of my critics who sneer or brutalize. EGMONTGRIGOR

Mike. The character development is inconsistent. He appears to be a standup guy at work and defends rape victims and gets respect from everyone.

He is a swordsman who likes pussy except his wife's?[can't understand] He has no qualms in dicking his sister in law,..his pa's old flame and young Nancy. Yet he is not man enough to find out if he is infertile...is he a wimp? [inconsistent in character and doesn't make sense in view of everything else.]

He doesn't want to improve and help Gloria with the infertile question WITHIN his marriage yet he wants to help Gloria with her new relationship and her new beau to overcome this same problem. He talks to her new beau about Gloria's problem and ways to to overcome it...yet no effort was made as such within his own marriage. Does this make sense...no way..inconsistent character development.

Some characters like the waitress and kate the store cashier seem irrevelevant to the story.

All and all, as Nightowl stated, little point to the story if they get divorced. It seems Mike can't handle personal issues...and like a politician..cares more about the voter's children than his own.

Perhaps this is where Mike's epiphany plays out.

Develop the story where he forgives and LOVES Gloria more than ever .. thanking her lover for showing him the carelessness of his ways...Nancy wants to continue her career decides to give the baby to Mike and Gloria since it is Mike's kid. Gloria gets fertility assistance and has two children with Mike. Happy ever after...no..not really.

Mike will still enjoy a little nookey on the side like his old man...but is more discrete and of course more loving at home and Gloria has her family and experienced that life with Mike is better if they communicate...

"nuff said.

Andy

lot of open doors in this story. it's quite obvious that he still loves his wife. if he loved the engineer student, he would have tried to stop her from getting the abortion. if he didn't love his wife, he wouldn't have gripped the steering wheel so hard after seeing her with her lover. if he didn't love his wife, he wouldn't be concerned about her happiness. making sure her lover was a good man, and that he would keep the fertility problem a secret. someone who doesnt't care, doesn't worry about these things. you developed his good character qualities by his action in setting up and trapping the asshole that hurt the adm assistant. he has the respect of all those around him for his continuous self sacrificing for the benefit and happiness of others. instead of calling his wife a whore and slut, he befriends her and supports her in what he believes she needs to be happy. even going as far as befriending her lover. sorry, they belong together. his wife is self sacrificing also. she is letting him go because she believes that he really doesn't want children. he refused to be tested when she believed he was the problem to her becoming pregnant. she loves him also. she knows about his affairs, and believes he wants his freedom. she told her sister about her affair, not to confided, but because she knew her sister would tell her husband. therefore setting the stage to set him free. like i said, this story has a lot of open doors. i'll be waiting to see how many you close. good writing, keep up the good work.

I agree with the others that your character development is very inconsistent. A generous and stand-up guy not only in work, but overall would NOT act like he did. First he would get tested. If they wanted to have a family, then it would make sense for them to take the necessary steps. If after that step, Gloria did have an affair he would get hard evidence of it by using a private investigator. He could then do 1 of two things: confront Gloria with both the evidence of the affair and his fertility results, and demand she end the affair and they get couple's counselling, or just go straight to a lawyer and file for divorce. He would NOT cheat on his marriage. If it ended up in counselling, Gloria and him would have to abstain for a while and go through STD testing. A long, hard road that they may not make. If he decided to divorce her, I can see him having someone serve her both the divorce papers and his fertility results with a little letter saying "I'm not the one who has fertility problems dear. I hope your lover is able to satisfy you, even if you're barren." He should be extremely upset and angry at his wife's cheating, but he won't cheat until the marriage is over. Once the final divorce papers are signed, then he is free. Of course, it probably will take months to a few years to recover from her betrayal. After that, maybe Liz would want a permanent relationship with him. Or he could have a permanent relationship with Nancy. He might temporarily lose the ability to trust women, but that won't change his overall personality. A story must be internally consistent. All this story has along those lines is that he has sex with anyone that offers it to him, which is not consistent with his character. I vote for a complete re-write of the story and trash what is currently done. That is the only way to salvage this mess.

There's a lot of good raw material in this story, but the story rushes itself. In general, I think questions about characterization come about because overpowering plots bend their protagonists into pretzels. So slowing the story's pace might help.

And if you don't do this already, try to write a scene without having any idea where it was going to go. Just get yourself immersed in it, get deep into the first person and ride out an interesting or horrible or complicated moment.

If not with this story try it with another one.

Oh here's an example of the story rushing.

>>I couldn't help it, I said that's a pretty cool way of putting it and she smiled and said if I wanted to, we could remain friends. I replied I'd like that, and that was the truth; all that really had happened was our marriage had run out of steam and neither of us was interested in stoking it back to life.<<

This section comes from the husband and wife talking as they are breaking up. Theoretically this should be the tensest moment in the story, but reading it I feel that you, the writer, are just trying to get past it.

a good story,but the wife build up sucks,she a bitch.a cock tease whore for another man.a no baby having back stabbing bitch.stop building her up because you were fucking around too.i don't feel sorry for the whore,the whole family fuck up.

while you at it bend over and let him fuck you too.she had him in your house fucking on your bed dumbass.no respect for you and now you give her everything.while married to you she fuck him in the parking lot and anywhere else she got hot at.the chump of the month.oh let me tell you how to get her knock up,i didn't but you can.

Unlike many of the other public comments, I like

the story. It is entertaining without having villains.

did none of you realize the humor context of this story or that he was fucking nancy ( also other flings because thats the impression he gave) about the same time gloria fucked her boss. so why is he the wimp when its clearly stated the husband is quite dangerous and could easily beat the crap out of glorias' boy toy? though i will admit, it did suck at how amicable it ended, especially with how angry he found out.

mike act like a chum.

No pratt or tappet..must be plain common. South side of the US? Hillbilly mentality? When does precious little sister enter the narration - sorry no mention on that issue - come on, have some balls and make this something .. else... Yuck

Worse than trailer park stories. I wish we could drop bombs on all of them

This is the most convoluted, most boring, slowest-moving piece of crap I have ever tried to read. Drying paint is a hundred times more interesting. This piece's most redeeming quality is that it's like a super-weapon in man's battle against insomnia. Awful... this guy needs an editor, writing classes, and a plot that's simpler than quantum mechanics.