by phoenixphair
I appreciate you're trying to move the story along with the timeline mentions, however I don't think you're doing it right. I like the story, don't get me wrong, it's nice and has some interesting characters. But you move the story along 4 months and then you offer the reader knowledge that the reader needs but that the characters you portray would have gotten to know way faster. It takes Kevin four months to come up with a simple, to the point reasoning? It takes the others 4 months to realize that Kevin can touch her no problem? After being together a lot for three years, Sarah is still only at reading an encyclopaedia? You jump in time, but the story doesn't evolve accordingly, it just changes venue. Now, make it a good story and be mindful of details.
Awesome story I've read all the chapters you've made so far but this is my fav of them all :D I really hope there's more off Sarah and Quentin together (YUMMY) hope they end up together to hehe
The BEST story I have ever read here EVER! I'm all for constructive criticism but I just can't think of anything that could be better, other than the story being longer ; ) Thanks for sharing this here.
your wondrously dark and enchanting tale!
I was a bit put off by the vampire, Andrew. For a moment, I confused him with August and it distracted me from the story. Other than that, I enjoyed this part immensely. I particularly enjoyed the deepening of the relationship between Talera and Sarah.
After this comment, I will no longer mention the grammatical errors as I have no desire to whip a dead horse. I'm sure you are quite aware of them and, to be completely honest, I would much rather you spend more time writing than agonizing over proofreading. Selfish, huh?
On to Part 04!
Fondest wishes,
--ny
Please don't leave it like this, unfinished, please write more, I need more!!! It's such a great story:)
Awesome. Just Awesome. I havn't read anything that has me so completely enthralled in a very long time. Please don't stop writing.
Rarely does any work of fiction grasp me so tightly as to block out the external world for the span of its pages. This is absolutely incredible, and I eagerly await the next posting! :)
Great writing, really good story too (only minor critique is that the sex scenes seem a bit rushed sometimes, but otherwise great). The storyline has the potential to get very, very dark as well, which is cool - and I can't guess if it will, which is cooler :D
Absolutely amazing. I'm shocked at the quality of this. I haven't read anything of the like on this site before, though there's not much I can compare it to. What I have read is far below this level. I do wonder why it's here actually. Is this story on any other sites more geared to original fiction rather than just literary erotica?
You have a masterful balance of character building, action and passion in this. Reading it, I fully care what happens to the characters, which is rare, and they all seem independent of each other rather than all from the same mold.
Also, the amount of thought and effort that has been put into this is truly refreshing and makes a great read. The names and terminology for the different planes etc. are so authentic and... proffessional even. This really could be published at some point.
I can't wait for the next instalment. Heh, I'll be checking and hoping. Really, you must keep on going with this. ;)
Read all three, and they just keep getting better and better, keep it up!