Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 02

"I'm guessing either my daughter or her girlfriend called your sister, Shade." I heard a soft laugh.

"Yes, I was told you and Kara met my sister and her girlfriend. They're quite a pair! June called Kim, who called me. I hope you're not upset, Lissy. If you don't mind my saying so, she did the right thing. If you're not able to deal with this yet, getting it in the hands of someone who's not emotionally involved may be the best thing for everyone involved. Does that make sense?"

"Barb Romano, a past love interest of Kara's, called me. It seems Kara hasn't been living at her condo but has been sleeping on a couch at Barb and her girlfriend's place. I got the feeling it's uncomfortable at best for all of them. But what prompted Barb to call was, in her words, some erratic behavior lately from Kara. Not to mention - she hasn't been back to their condo in a while."

"Erratic? Did she give any specifics?"

"It seems Kara's been staying out much later than normal. Barb said it was mostly work and back on the couch."

"What does Kara do for a living?"

"She's in banking, like me."

"You two work together?"

"Oh god no. I couldn't stand it if I had to see her every day." My eyes teared at the thought.

"Okay. Was there anything else you think is worth mentioning?"

"Well, it wasn't mentioned, but if she's staying out later than normal, she may be going to work late as well. There wasn't anything specific but I got the sense Barb may have seen some bruising on Kara."

"Did Barb say anything about Alexis, who you know as Bette?" I had to fight the urge to throw up hearing that name.

"I got the feeling she may know about Alexis from their time as lovers. I find it impossible to believe that Kara would go back to Bette, especially after how things turned out for the two of us."

"Yes, I agree with you about that."

"Is that helpful?" When Shade spoke again, her voice was cold and she spit the words.

"Yes, thank you very much, Lissy. It sounds like Kara may have gone back into..." She stopped; I heard her take a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I need to control myself. I'm... no. Since Destiny has come into my life I've stepped away from a lot of what I was involved in. I still know some of the people and places, but neither of us has any interest in being involved in any way. Do you have any pictures of Kara?" I nodded and wiped my eyes as tears started.

"Yes, I do." Lissy, you sound pathetic. "I'm so sorry, Shade; I must sound absolutely pathetic to you."

Her voice soft, Shade replied, "You're a woman in pain, Lissy. You love Kara deeply. Even the short time we were together that Saturday, it was evident to us both. We talked about it on our way home." We were busy... oh god! "There's no need to apologize. If you can get a copy to June or Rachel it will find its way to me. Can you think of anything else that might be helpful?"

I wracked my brain but couldn't think of anything. Truth be told, I was a damn mess.

"Shade, I apologize. I'm kind of a mess recounting all of this. If I think of something over the weekend, may I call you?" I had a thought. "Oh yeah, I found the card you gave me that night at the club. Lincoln Park something. The business you own." Can I possibly sound any more like an idiot? I thought I could hear the smile.

"Any time you have anything you think could help, Lissy. Is it okay to call you at work if I need to?"

"Ya know what? Is this your cell phone?"

"It is, yes."

"I'll add this and your work number so I know if you're calling. Please add my cell number. I'd prefer you call me here."

"I completely understand. The holidays are right around the corner. You have a family, Lissy. If there's time, perhaps Destiny and I could have you to dinner some night." I know she didn't mean anything by it, but it was a near faux pas and I had to stifle a giggle.

"Thank you, Shade. I'm guessing I'll hear from you again when and if you have something to call about. And thank you for calling. It means a lot that you want to involve yourself in something that has nothing to do with you. As you said, we barely know each other. You're very gracious to offer your help. Please say hi to your lovely Destiny."

"Thank you, I will. I hope you have a good weekend, Lissy. Thank you for being as candid and helpful about something so personal and painful. Goodbye for now."

I dropped the phone on the couch and collapsed. What a grueling hour that was. My neck hurt, my tummy hurt, and I wanted to fuck something. I giggled. Do I have a zucchini in the house? I started to cry; it was a zucchini that was our introduction to Kim and Honey. How thin the connection sometimes, right? Blondie, please come home!!!

I wanted a drink. I wanted to go to the gym and beat something senseless -- like me. I wanted to get on a plane and go somewhere really far away -- something so remote that no one would find me. Hey, I've had a subscription to Forbes for years. I think there was an article or an ad for something and Bora Bora was pictured. I bet I can hide out there!!

Hey Lissy.

You again?

Yeah, that annoying thing you call a conscience.

Did I mention you are so not on my Christmas card list?

I'm used to it, sister. When are you gonna woman up and call your woman?

Do you not understand what the fuck happened?

Language!!

Fuck you!

Remember June doing that hilarious chicken imitation?

You know I do.

I know you do. Call her. It's tearing you up inside every dam... darn day.

Ha! You miss her just like I do. Some conscience you are!

I'm you aren't I?

Crap; yeah, I guess so.

Have a lovely weekend, asshole.

Perfect, my conscience called me an asshole. I guess the old saying is right. If enough people tell you you're an ass, better start looking for a team to hook up to.

I lay on the couch, worn out and, odd as it may sound, even more confused than usual after the conversation with Shade.

A rare clear thought passed through my fevered mind. I just shared some of the most difficult details about the apparent end of my relationship with the woman I love with someone who is a complete stranger. How odd!

I dragged myself off the couch, headed to the kitchen, shook my head, and headed back to the couch. To do what I have no clue. Just that quickly I bounced to my feet, grabbed a coat, my purse, the keys, and headed to my car. I did make sure to lock the back door.

If you're wondering, I'm heading to Kara's condo. No, I have no idea either. Whatever the reason, I'm going to assume that she won't be there. If she is... no, I have no clue what will happen. I know my conscience told me to call. Since she's me, she knows where my thoughts and my heart are. My thoughts may be on my blondie but that thing... I just can't get past it. At least to me, Kara violated my trust. I know; it wasn't the first time. That one I had some culpability for. Plus, I could have bolted from the shower when what happened unfolded. I didn't, so some of it's on me.

Bette... yes, thinking about her, let alone saying her name, makes my skin crawl. Shrink, domme, snake -- I don't even know where to start. At least as far as I know she violated the most basic tenet of her profession. Was Kara completely at fault? That was the thing I had wrestled with since late August. Bette had taken what I'd shared in our sessions and given it to Kara as suggestions for how to 'help' me.

Saturday traffic on the expressway into the city was horrible. One of the winter sports teams probably has a game tonight but it was too early for that traffic. I suppose the good thing about slow moving traffic is I can think. Bad thing about that traffic is that I can think.

What are you doing today, Kara? I swear to god -- just saying that brought tears to my eyes. I blinked them away furiously, needing to keep my vision clear to drive. I'm worried about you, lover. Are you okay? Please don't do anything stupid. Stupid, do you mean like driving downtown to her condo? Will you please shut UP! I do not need my conscience giving me grief. This is more than hard enough.

What would we be doing today if... No, I can't let myself do that. We're not. It helps nothing to do that to myself. To you. To us. Is there still an us?

I got on the exit ramp and snaked my way through the one way streets that were now so familiar. Saints be praised and early Saturday afternoon meant I found a parking spot on the street within a block of the condo. When the car was safely in the space I turned off the engine and cried. Yeah, I know, okay, so just leave me alone.

When I finished, I fished through my stash of tissues and napkins in the center console and dabbed at my eyes. And froze. I saw her. She's thinner than she was. Why are you here, Kara? Barb told me you weren't living here. So why today? I laughed. She would ask me the same thing if she knew I was here. I know, right -- what chance was there of that.

Oh my god! She turned her head and I think we may have made eye contact. Just for the same split second as that morning outside the Dunkin Donuts. I ducked. I can't believe she saw me. The only reason I got caught was that I had been crying. What was she wearing? She had a coat on so I couldn't tell. I did see her legs... god, those legs!!

I waited and watched. And watched and waited. And waited and watched some more. I didn't want to walk into the condo and find her there. Why not, Lissy? I don't know. Yes you do; just say it. Okay. I'm scared. Of? I honest to god don't know. Please leave me alone. I bent and put my head in my hands.

Kitty was breaking things, stomping around, yelling at me. She's... she misses Kara and her kitty. Look, I don't run this complex being that is me. I sorta kinda do. But my emotions, my heart, and my kitty want one thing. And there's this thing -- I think it's my conscience but I'm not sure -- that wants some clarity. If that's the word. I know what it wants. It wants me to sit down and talk to her.

There's the problem! All the other things clamoring for... us... want us to be horizontal.

May I share? So do I.

Yeah, I'm human. Very much so in case you were wondering. My body and my mind -- a.k.a. my dreams -- are letting me know what their thoughts are. They need my honey. Okay, enough already.

I got out of the car -- only after looking every which way in mirrors and more. My right hand held the keys to the building and the condo. My left held my purse, which was on my shoulder.

Thankfully, no one else was waiting for the elevator. My eyes teared when the door closed. That was my last... no, Lissy. You can't go there - not now. You may not know for sure why you're here, but you know you can't live in all the memories of what the two of you did here. There are too many of them, they're too vivid, and they hurt too much.

Let them hurt. The pain is what you need to end this farce. I shook my head. The elevator door opened. I stood in the elevator, half expecting her to walk in. I know; idiotic. I saw her leave for god's sake! I have no idea.

I pushed the key in the door, took a deep breath, and turned it. The scent enveloped me. It was as prevalent as it was in my home. I felt my nipples tighten and my kitty... she put her goggles on. I'm sorry honey but they aren't here.

Everything felt as if I'd just been here yesterday. It looked, felt, and smelled familiar. I wondered if it was because she had just been here. And I wondered why she had just been here.

I can't explain why I did what I did. I went to our toy chest, found what I wanted, stripped, and lay on our bed.

You know what I did next.

I screamed her name as the orgasm screamed through me. The nipple clamps, the crop, the under the bed restraints were all part of my attempt to relive what she... my lover... my Kara... my heart...

My limbs shook as I sobbed. My orgasm was as hard and as thorough as any I'd had since... then. I know why. It was why I did what I'd done.

It took several minutes for it to subside; when it did I unhooked from the restraints, turned on my side, and cuddled you.

I woke to darkness. We'd gone back to standard time a few weeks ago. When my head cleared I looked at the clock. It was still early -- 6:45. I rolled to my back and stretched.

If Kara had have been here, she would have stretched with me and devoured me. I shivered; kitty whimpered. Oh yeah -- the nipple clamps. Annie and Oakley weren't very happy when I turned them loose. Sorry darlings; you know I love you.

I let my body recover from the orgasm and from what I'd done to induce it. I smiled as I thought about that. My crazed mind let itself wander to imagine that it was my blondie that had given me my cum. I snuggled comfortably on my side -- the same side I'd have been on when that woman of mine and I went to bed... if only she were here. I closed my eyes.

** November 16th **

Kara

Stop it! You didn't see her, just keep walking. Why can't you accept that she doesn't love you anymore?

She DOES, I know it. I still feel her.

You're a junkie.

I thought it was her... SHUT UP! Get out of my head.

Are you sure you thought it was her? Or is that just what you told yourself?

You were there... I mean I was there... god, please stop. Frantically I fish through my purse, where is it? I can't be out! Feeling the plastic bag in my hand, I let out a sigh of relief. I had been in a hurry and grabbed as many as I could as I sneaked out of Mistress' house this morning. I can't stop my hands from shaking long enough to open the fucking thing! Why is the bag so tiny?! As I try to open it again it falls from my hand to the ground. DAMN IT! I look down, the ground begins spinning and I lose my balance. Stumbling, my hands hit first then my knee; the pain shoots through my body and sweat beads on my forehead. I squeeze my eyes shut to stop the spinning. Breathe Kara, stop and breathe.

Sitting back on my knees, I feel around for the baggy on the sidewalk. Rough concrete is all I feel. I get a nauseating sensation in my stomach as I run my hand under my knee. I pull the bag out and don't even have to look; the pill is crushed. Fuck me! Fuck, fuck, fuck!! My eyes fill, brimming with hate - for myself.

Weak bitch, stop crying.

I told you to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

That's right, get mad! Get something! Just get your ass up. Without knowing how, I was on my feet and walking again. I looked at the bag and decided, broken or not, I need it. NOW! My fingers manage to break the seal of the bag. I tip my head back and pour the powder into my mouth. So focused on getting every last bit from the bag, it took a moment for the bitterness to hit me. It's horrid... I mean absolutely inedible. My body rejects it as I gag. Hand flies to my mouth as I seal my lips. NO! I choke and snort but still keep it in. Eyes burning and nose running, I put all my resolve into swallowing everything in my mouth, bile and all. I groan, growl and jump around until it goes down. Leaning on the first thing I reach, I wait a few moments to make sure it's going to stay down. My chin is quivering, legs are wobbly... it's done.

It's then I realize I'm leaning on a store window. I look up and see my reflection. My eyes are empty. GOOD! Hailing a cab, I give him a familiar address - Lissy's. I don't know why. I told myself it was to prove I didn't see her parked outside my condo. I'd just go, see her car and leave. Easy. The lies we tell ourselves. My body starts to feel lighter as we drive. The pain turns to gentle tingles and I feel my pulse slow. Peace, finally. I'll close my eyes and rest until we get there.

I look around; no car. She usually parks in the garage. I know this. With no plan, I pay the driver and get out. No telling what my heart would be doing if I wasn't high, because it felt like it was beating out of my chest. I heard it my ears, felt in pulsing in my neck and yes, kitty throbbed to the beat. Don't ask how I knew, but as I reached the front door I knew no one was home. I couldn't help myself as I found her key, unlocked the door and went inside.

Lissy... oh Lissy. Her essence hit me as soon as I enter. Her smell, her presence, even her love, it embraces me. The beeping from her alarm jerks me to reality. I forgot the code! Even if I didn't, what if she changed it?! First try... wrong! Second try... wrong again! The beeping is getting faster, so is my heart. Come on!! Think, Kara! Third try... 'beep beep,' disarmed. My forehead rests on the wall as I try to regain my composure.

On autopilot, my legs carry me up the stairs. Slowly I climb, hand on the rail to keep me steady. Down the hall to our... her door. Already open just a crack, I place my hand on the door and freeze. Electricity pulses through me but I can't move. Beyond this door, what will I find? I knew I'd find all forms of her and I need so badly to feel her, just be near her; but I'm paralyzed by fear of what wouldn't be there; me. As if I never existed, like she never loved me at all. I couldn't stand to think of it but something deep inside kept nagging at my soul, telling me that she has moved on... forgotten me, us. I sit on the floor in hallway, unable to take another step closer. With my knees pulled to my chest, I rest my head and my heart.

"Kara?" Just a whisper, but I heard it. Again, "Kara." I lift my head, it's dark. I must have fallen asleep. Looking around, I don't see anyone. "Lissy? Where are you baby?" Silence. Tears spill down my cheeks. I must have dreamt it; it felt so real though. I walk my hands up the door frame and pull myself to my feet. Pushing the door open, I focus on the clock by the bed, 12:45am. Why aren't you home, Lissy? Tired and confused, I walk to her bed and get in on my side. I cuddle her pillow to my face and breathe in deep. She smells so good. Hold me baby.

I lie on my side staring at and caressing her pillow, imagining she's lying there looking at me as she has so many times before. Soon I see her face, the moonlight dancing in her hair. My fingers brush her cheek; she smiles and my whole body warms. "I've missed you so much, Lissy," my voice barely audible. Her eyes soften as she nods. I can't wait another second, I inch closer and closer still until our lips meet. "Ohhhh baby..." I whisper into her mouth as I moan softly. Content with just the contact of her lips on mine, I'm floating away. Take me. She pulls me into her arms and I melt. I'm home.

** November 17th **

Lissy

I woke Sunday to bright sunlight and familiar smells from the kitchen. In a panic I threw off the covers and headed to the source. The kitchen was empty; my senses had imagined it all. I leaned on the couch to steady myself as I cried. I had no idea that our minds were so powerful that they could imagine scents and smells as clearly as I had.

Nearly by rote I made coffee. Nearly; I smiled. There had been so many fun moments -- some here, some at my house. Some of them were on weekdays; some... on weekends.

I shook my head as I headed to the bathroom. I turned on the shower -- and shivered. Talk about your 'scene of the crime.' Okay, I know it's not exactly that; so do you.

I rushed through the shower -- barely able to stand being there. And just you never mind the hot water. I hurried to dry off, hurried to dress. Hmm! I left my panties on the bed. Yes, I thought about putting on a fresh pair from my drawer.

I smiled a secret smile as I got on the expressway and headed home.

Yeah, I had gone back and forth about spending the night at the condo. I know you're not surprised. It would be partly cuz I needed to be in the aura that I felt there. Yes, I admit part of the why would be the chance that Kara might come home, though in my heart of hearts I doubted that would be the case.