Brenda & Ian Ch. 01

"I don't have answers to that," Ian said as he moved to her side. "All I know is that it'll take a long time, but you'll make it through. You're one of the strongest people I know, but this isn't something that you'll get over quickly. It's been such a short time, Brenda, give yourself a break."

Brenda reached for him, "You don't know how grateful I am to have you with me right now. I love you so much, Ian. You're the best friend I've got. Mom used to say that it was a shame that we were cousins, that if we weren't, she was sure to hear wedding bells soon. Funny, she said it last week, but she seemed kind of sad when she said it. It was weird. She must have said it a half dozen times before, but she always joked about it. I don't know what the difference was this time."

"I don't know."

"I really don't want to go," she said again, "but I can't put it off any longer. I'll have Uncle Roger call the funeral home and we'll get going, okay?"

"Sure, whatever you want, cuz."

"Yeah, let's go." She left the chair and together, they went back to Roger's office.

There was about a dozen messages on the answering machine when they returned. Ian's mother had called, finally, and wanted Ian to call her at any time that they returned. Nice of her to break away from her busy schedule, Ian thought grimly. The other calls were from Brenda's friends and family. Neither of them were particularly hungry, so they decided to make phone calls. While Brenda used the kitchen phone, Ian went to his room to call his parents. After he found the paper with the phone numbers, he reached his parents' room within minutes.

"Hello, Janet Nicks speaking," her cool, reserved voice came over the wire.

"Hi mom, it's Ian."

"Hello, Ian, I've tried to reach you a couple of times today, but you haven't been in."

"We just got in. We've been out getting stuff taken care of for the funeral."

"Yes, the funeral..."

"So, when are you guys coming back? The funeral's Wednesday."

"We can't make it back..."

"Can't make it back?" Ian almost yelled. "What do you mean?"

"Your father's much too busy. He can't break away."

"Why can't you come back?"

"There's not enough time to prepare for a return trip on such short notice."

"Oh, come on, mom, there's time to come back and you know it."

"I can't, Ian, there's too many appointments to break."

"My God, he was your brother! I know you didn't like each other, but the least you could do is show up for his funeral. At least do it for Brenda."

"She would be the only reason I would come," she said coldly. "I'll make it up to her when we return."

"Please, mom, don't be like this," Ian pleaded. "He's dead now. Can't you let it go?"

"If the roles were reversed, he would have done the same," she replied frostily.

"But mom..." Ian tried to reason, but he wanted to scream.

"I don't wish to discuss it any longer," she said firmly. Softer, she asked, "How is Brenda?"

"She's okay," seethed Ian. She'd be better if you'd come back, he thought. She needs all the family she can get. "She has her good moments and bad. It's been really rough on her."

"Of course it is. How are you doing? Do you have enough money?"

"I have plenty, don't worry." They had left him with $2000 for the four weeks. He had used only a few hundred in the time that they had been away. "I'm fine. A little tired, but okay, I guess."

"Well, take care of yourself. We'll see you in a few weeks. Do you have the rest of our schedule?"

"Yes."

"Okay, well, thank you for calling back. Please tell Brenda that I'm thinking of her. I do feel sorry for her, Ian, but I just can't come back."

Right mom, whatever, he thought. "Okay mom, I'll tell her. Have a good time on the rest of your trip," he said with just a hint of sarcasm.

Janet ignored the insult. "I love you, Ian. Talk to you soon."

"Bye mom. I love you, too." The line went dead and Ian returned the receiver to the base. "Boy, wasn't that lovely?" he said aloud. He left the room and headed down to the kitchen.

Brenda was still on the phone when Ian popped in. She looked up and smiled, then went back to her conversation. She seemed to be in better spirits and Ian was glad. He went to the refrigerator and got himself a can of Coke and closed the door. On second thought, he opened it once more and pulled out another can for Brenda. He shut the door, walked past Brenda and handed her the Coke. She mouthed 'thank you' to him and opened the can while listening intently to the other voice.

Ian went to the living room and flipped on the TV. He turned it to the channel guide to see what was on at that time. Seeing nothing that really appealed to him, he put it on the sports channel to watch a college basketball game. Although he liked baseball more, it was out of season, so basketball was the next best thing.

It was some time later before Brenda emerged from the kitchen and Ian was thoroughly engrossed in the game. She sat down next to him on the small sofa, arms folded and eyes narrowed. Ian noticed the change, but didn't know if he should say something. He decided to wait her out. A few minutes passed and he began to rethink his strategy, but Brenda decided to vent.

"My family is so weird," she said, turning to him.

"How so?" he said, still watching the game.

"I mean, they're really nice and supportive about mom and dad and I really appreciate it, but..."

"But?"

Brenda started to laugh, "They object to you living here with me. You know, alone, boy and girl. They seem to forget that we went to Disney World together last summer alone and we somehow managed to have a good time without jumping each others bones. I mean, I tried to explain to them that we had separate rooms and baths, and that you've been great to me, but..."

"They think otherwise," he finished her sentence.

"Yeah. I mean, we're cousins, for God's sake, not that I wouldn't mind if you weren't, but jeez, I'm not exactly in the best of moods right now. You're the perfect person to be with me. You know me and love me. Why can't they understand that?"

"I don't know. Like you said, it's weird."

"Even my girlfriend, Hannah, said she thought it was inappropriate for you to be here. I couldn't believe it! I almost hung up on her, but I didn't. It's so stupid!"

"So, do you think I should leave?" he asked seriously.

"If you leave, I'll hunt you down and drag you back. You're the only one keeping me sane right now. God, I hope the phone doesn't ring anymore. I'll just let the machine get it."

"Yeah, but then, they'll think we're having sex or something and we're too busy to answer."

"Oh my God, you're right," Brenda giggled. "Then, they'll come over kicking the door in to stop us. And we'd be in the kitchen eating pizza or something and we'd look at them and say, "What the fuck's the matter with you?"

Ian started to laugh. Brenda very rarely cursed and when she did, it always caught him off guard. But, the mention of pizza made his stomach growl.

"And then," she continued, "they'd say, 'Well, you didn't answer the phone, so you must have been screwing! We had to stop you!'" Brenda was laughing hard now. "Oh my God, can you imagine?" Her eyes were sparkling from the tears of laughter.

"It's good to see you laugh," Ian remarked.

"Yeah, well, you've always been able to make me feel better, no matter how bad I feel," she replied, wiping her eyes with her sleeves.

Ian thought that she looked very pretty at that moment, laughing and joking as she was. Her smile and her eyes were always her best feature. She would never be a beautiful women, one that would turn heads everywhere she went, but she was very attractive and Ian knew that he could get lost in those doe eyes, as he was beginning to now. He thought it a waste that he would never be able to love her in the way that he wanted, and he would be a very jealous cousin of the lucky man who would be. A couple of strands of her short, brown hair fell across her eyes and she absently pushed them back with her hand. She noticed him staring at her.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked. She had never seen him look that way at her before and it was disconcerting. It was almost like a look of love, or desire, or both. It was not a sibling love, or a cousin love, but the look of love from a man to a woman. For a long time, even before Ryan went into his death spiral, Ian was her best friend, her confidant. He was always there for her, always ready to help. She loved him more than anyone she had known, save her parents and Ryan. In the years since Ryan's death, Ian had almost taken over his role, but he was something more that to her. Maybe deep down, she wanted more than their relationship could allow. She didn't know for sure. Their lunches together could, at times, become sexually explicit, joking about their dates, their fantasies and the like. Sometimes, Brenda would come away from their lunches feeling a delicious tingling between her legs that wouldn't leave until she could find some privacy. She didn't dare ask him if he felt the same way and she hadn't checked his pants for the tell-tale sign. Not that she hadn't noticed how good-looking he was. She would have had to be blind or a lesbian not to notice his chiseled features, narrow waist, and cute butt. She was almost ashamed to admit that she thought that he was really handsome, not something that cousins should think about...

"Are you sure you want to know?" he asked hesitantly.

"Well, yeah..."

"Okay, here it goes." He spoke slowly, carefully. "Do you wish, sometimes, that we weren't cousins, weren't related?" Ian looked down and frowned. He was afraid that he had messed up by asking her that. He hoped that she wouldn't get angry with him.

Brenda waited and pondered her answer, her eyes gentle and solemn. She was scared to answer too truthfully, afraid that she'd say the wrong thing. Instead, she took the easy way out. "Why do you ask?" she asked softly.

Ian shifted uneasily in his seat. Still looking down and becoming a bit nervous with his beloved cousin, he stayed silent for a few moments, not knowing what to say.

Brenda placed her hand on his and asked softly, "Do you feel that way?"

Ian lifted his head and gazed into her eyes. "Yeah," he said simply.

"Me too," she replied as she rested her head against his shoulder.

Sunday March 14

Brenda whimpered in her sleep, her head shaking back and forth furiously. "No," she murmured, "go away..." Her body was slick with sweat and her nightshirt clung to her damp skin. She had kicked her coverings off and they had fallen to the floor in a heap.

Her dream was very real, as her parents were trying to pull her into their coffins. Ryan had her arms pinned behind her and was pushing her into their waiting arms. Her legs thrashed in the bed as she desperately tried to fight them off. Brenda's body twisted back and forth to break Ryan's grip, but it wasn't working. When their faces disappeared and cackling skulls replaced them, she broke from her nightmare screaming, "NO!!!!"

Ian's deep sleep was interrupted by someone screaming from within the house. He bolted upright instantly and listened, not really sure if he had heard anything. Brenda screamed again and Ian threw off the covers and ran to her room.

Brenda was on her right side curled in a fetal position, crying hysterically, "No, no, no...," and shaking her head violently.

Ian rushed to her side, knelt beside her on one knee, and touched her shoulder. As soon as she felt his touch, she spun away and kicked at him with her legs. "Get away from me Ryan!" she screamed, almost inhumanly. Her left leg grazed his right side, but her right leg caught him squarely in his chest and knocked him off the bed and he tumbled to the floor. Surprised, but unhurt, Ian got to his feet and went back to the bed.

"Stay away from me! You hear, Ryan..."

"Brenda, Brenda, it's me, Ian," he said as he inched closer to the bed. "Brenda, it's me, Ian. You're having a dream..."

"Ian?" she said weakly as she slowly came back to reality. Her balled fists slowly fell to her sides and unclenched. Ian came closer until he could feel her hot, heavy, panting in front of his face. She reached out for him. "Ian," she said again, "hold me." He standing and she kneeling on the bed, Ian took her in his arms. Brenda wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him fiercely. Ian rocked her back and forth gently as she began to sob.

"It was so terrible, Ian," she said between sobs. "Oh my God, it was awful! I'll never be able to sleep again. I don't want to sleep again. Oh...!" She buried her face in his chest and clutched the back of his tee shirt with her hands. He gently led his cousin to a seated position on the bed with him at her side as he continued to rock and soothe her. Ian noticed the dampness of her shirt but said nothing. He tried smoothing her hair, and that too, was wet with sweat. Man, she must have had one hell of a fight, he thought.

After a few minutes, the vividness of the dream started to fade and Brenda began to calm down. Even though Ian was still holding her, she shivered from cold. Ian noticed that, too.

"You cold?" he asked

"Yeah," she answered. "I guess I better change."

"Okay."

Brenda reached with her left hand and turned on the bedside lamp. It cast a soft light and Ian had no trouble adjusting. Brenda kissed Ian on the cheek and tried to stand. Unsteady, she put her right hand on his shoulder to balance herself. She was wearing a yellow cotton night shirt that was tight to her frame. Ian looked up at her and saw her nipples protruding through the thin, damp material. Ian tried not to stare at them, but he couldn't help it. He felt his penis begin to firm under his sweatpants. Embarrassed, he looked down and discreetly covered his bulge with his right arm, hoping against hope that Brenda didn't notice.

Brenda moved slowly away from him and made her way to one of her dressers. Ian watched her as she pulled another nightgown from the drawer and closed it, her damp night shirt sensually clinging to her athletic body.

"Be back in a minute," she said sadly before she left the room. Ian got another glimpse of her nipples as she turned to go down the hall. It almost took his breath away. Although she was small busted, their shape aroused him more than he could imagine. They were simply beautiful.

Ian stood up and checked himself. "Shit!" he said as he saw his erection bulging almost straight out. Quickly, he left Brenda's room for his own. He pulled off his sweatpants and found a clean pair of underwear briefs. Putting them on carefully, he effectively minimized the bulge. He pulled his sweatpants back on and returned to Brenda's room, chastising himself the entire time for getting horny during her distress.

Once in the bathroom, Brenda toweled herself off after briefly considering a quick shower. She was too tired for such an endeavor and put on the clean nightgown instead. As she brushed her hair, she looked at herself closely in the mirror. She could see that dark circles were starting to form under her eyes and they looked very tired. She didn't know what time it was and she didn't care. Brenda finished brushing her hair before she headed back to her room. When she returned to the room, Ian was seated as before. Watching her come in, he was grateful that she was wearing a modest, heavy flannel gown.

"Feeling better?" he asked. She nodded and sat down beside him.

"I'm so tired, but I'm afraid to go to sleep," Brenda sighed.

"Want to talk about it?"

"No!" she shook her head, "I want to forget it." She scooted back on her bed, turned her pillow to the dry side and layed down. "Stay with me for a while?" she pleaded.

"Sure," Ian said. "Let me get the covers." Ian got off the bed, gathered her covers and spread them over her. He then climbed into bed next to her, his back against the headboard.

"Do you want the light on or off?"

"You can turn it off. I'll be okay since you're here." Brenda settled under the covers and rested her head against Ian's thigh, while he caressed her face and hair with the back of his hand. After a few minutes, Brenda began to shake and shiver from fright, although she tried to hide it.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

"No," she said as she shivered again. "Please hold me, Ian. I'm so scared!"

"Are you sure?" He was already having second thoughts about being in his cousin's bed and he didn't want his hormones going stupid on him while laying next to Brenda.

"Yes, please..."

Ian slipped under the covers, grabbing the other pillow and placing it under his head. He settled next to her as she moved closer to him and rested her head on his chest. Ian put his arms around her and held her to him, her strong, warm body feeling wonderful to his touch. Without a word, both were soon asleep.

A little while later, Ian woke abruptly. He looked at Brenda's clock and it read 4:42. His arm, chest, and shoulder were sore from Brenda sleeping on them and she appeared to be in a deep sleep. Ian sniffed at her hair and it had dried, leaving behind a fresh, fruity smell. Her skin had a light, musky scent to it that Ian thought was very sensual. Thoughts of her silhouette returned and he started to become aroused once more. Knowing he needed to leave before something happened, Ian wriggled away from Brenda and tried to place her head on her pillow without her waking. After doing so and thinking he was home free, Brenda stirred.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asked in a sleepy voice.

"Back to my room. I have trouble sleeping on my back," he lied, but how could he tell her the truth?

"Please stay. I feel safe with you next to me."

"But..."

"Just lay next to me. That's all I need, please." He could feel the emotions starting to churn within her voice.

"Okay." Unsure as to whether he should or not, Ian moved back to her side, this time laying on his stomach. He turned his face to her as she pulled the covers over his shoulders. She then put her arm across his back and snuggled to his shoulder, her face but inches away from his.

"I'll love you forever for this, Ian. Don't you forget it," she whispered before she drifted off to sleep.

"Anything for you, cuz," he replied as he listened to her steady breathing.

Ian woke and looked around. It was light out and the clock said 10:17. Brenda was nowhere to be seen, although her nightgown was on the bed next to him. He was tempted to smell it, to try and find her scent, but he resisted the temptation. He got out of her bed and went across the hall to his room and closed the door. After taking a quick shower, he felt refreshed and went downstairs after dressing once more. Brenda wasn't there, either, so Ian went to the basement where he found her putting clothes into the washing machine. She turned as she heard him approach and smiled. She turned back and finished loading the washer.

"Been up long?" he asked as he moved closer.

"Oh, not too long. I just decided to do some housework to keep me occupied. I've got dishes cleaning and the laundry going and I need to clean upstairs for the funeral. There's not much to do, mom always kept the house spotless. I'll never be able to keep it that clean. I have to contact the church and go over the Mass. I have to get the clothes over to the funeral home. Other than that, I have the rest of my life to think about not having my parents any more." The last few words came out haltingly as she began to cry. "No matter how busy I am, I can't stop crying!" She turned away and placed her hands on the washer for support. Ian moved forward to her side and placed a hand on her shoulder. "You've been so wonderful," she sniffed. She turned and placed her head against his chest, hugging him tight. "I don't know what I'd do without you."