Brenda & Ian Ch. 01

"Come on, Ian, we've got a long day tomorrow." She leaned down and kissed his cheek, taking his hand in hers.

"Yes we do," he said, feeling the sadness in her voice.

Tuesday March 16

Brenda recognized the dream almost as soon as it began. The sounds, the visions, everything was the same. She woke herself and sat upright in her bed. Breathing heavily, Brenda looked around for familiar objects. Once she realized that she was in her own room, her breathing eased and she started to calm down. She was exhausted and desperately wanted to go back to sleep, but she couldn't face that dream again. She looked at the clock and it was only 1:45. No wonder I'm exhausted, she thought. "What the hell do I do?" she muttered.

After a few minutes of debate, Brenda settled back into her bed and fell into an uneasy sleep. Soon, the dream started again. It went a little further this time, but Brenda was able to wake herself, once more, before it became gruesome. She bolted upright, threw the covers off, and ran out of her room to the hallway in front of Ian's room. His door was open and she stepped in. Brenda avoided making noise as she tip-toed to his bed. She sat down next to him and touched his shoulder.

"Huh, wha, what?" he woke with a start. He turned over and sat up on his elbows, trying to make out the person who waked him. "Brenda?" he asked tentatively.

"Yeah, it's me," she whispered.

"You okay?" he asked, suddenly alert.

"No," she replied as she started to cry. Her shoulders began to shake as tears began to form. Ian moved to his right, took Brenda's hand and pulled her down to the bed, putting his arms around her. He could feel the wetness of her cheeks as she pressed against his shoulder. She cried in his arms for a long time while Ian held her and soothed her. After she stopped, she wiped her tear-stained face with her sleeve. Wordlessly, she settled down where Ian had been sleeping as he covered her with the blankets. Ian layed down next to his cousin and pulled the covers to his chest. He put his arm around her and pulled her to him. She layed her head on his chest and sighed contently.

"I need you so much," she murmured.

"I'm right here."

"Please don't leave me."

"Never."

The alarm woke Ian with a start. Brenda was still in his arms, laying on his chest, but her body had turned and her left leg was slung over his thigh, almost to the point where she was lying on top of him. Her left arm was draped across his chest and her hip was directly over his groin.

Ian tried to move to turn off the alarm, but was pinned down. Brenda was slow to react to the noise and moved slightly to Ian's squirming. Ian felt her move her hip a bit, grinding against him and to his embarrassment, become immediately aroused at the sensation. He tried to move before Brenda noticed, but Brenda felt him wiggling underneath her and realized how they were positioned. She felt something poking her and knew what that was, too. Smiling to herself and feeling a bit aroused, she rolled away from him. Ian rolled to his right and turned off the alarm, concealing his hard on as best as possible by keeping the blankets over his torso, his legs crossed in front of him. Brenda was lying on her right side, head propped up with her elbow, looking straight at him, staring very hard and almost looking through him.

Ian found her intensity a bit unnerving, but he didn't look away. He returned the gaze, smiled, and began to get lost in her soft, brown eyes, eyes that were starting to get misty. She continued to to stare at him for a few more seconds, studying him, taking in all of his features; his blond crew cut, his light-green eyes, his pleasant smile.

"You know," she said softly, slowly, "if you weren't my cousin and I didn't love you and need you so much..." She reached up and stroked his cheek.

"Yes...?" he asked. His breathing quickened as he waited for her to continue.

"Well, let's just say that I don't think I'd be a virgin much longer." Brenda sat up, leaned forward, and kissed him on the cheek. "These are the moments when I wish you weren't my cousin."

"I know the feeling," Ian said, taking her soft hand in his. "It's really weird," he continued.

"What's weird?"

"You know, last year when we went to Disney, I never had the feelings for you that I do now. I mean, we were by ourselves, we could have slept together and no one would have known the difference, but we slept in separate rooms and all. I had a great time, but it was just us hanging out doing things together. It was never anything more than us having fun. But now..."

"It's different, isn't it?" she asked.

"Much different."

"Yeah."

They both sat silent for a few moments. Ian studied her, trying to get a clue as to what she was thinking. He was now certain that he was in love with her, although he had never been "in love" with anyone before. For him, it hadn't been a sudden revelation. He had felt it coming on for a few months, but had dismissed it due to the lack of female companionship. He was smart enough to recognize that a lot of these feelings came to the surface because of the closeness they shared during the past few days. But, it was unfair that two people who loved each other and were meant for each other were barred from any type of deep, true happiness because of kinship. He knew that the situation could get out of control very easily if they weren't careful. As much as his hormones were raging for her, he knew that they needed to slow down before they did something stupid that they would regret forever. He certainly didn't want to move out, not yet, not while Brenda was in such a fragile state of mind. He knew that her being alone was inevitible, that she would have to go through that process sometime, but he didn't know when.

"You know," Brenda broke the silence, "I've never told you this before, but I think I started to love you when we were at Disney. I don't think that I could have had more fun with anyone else in the world. I wanted to be with you all of the time, and I mean, all of the time. I wanted to sleep with you every night. I wanted to so bad, it hurt. It was times like that and now that I wish that you were the man in my life. It's times like this that I want to make love to you and make us one.

"It seems like for the past few years, I can't date anyone without comparing them to you. No one measures up to you, Ian, and I don't think anyone ever will. It hurts so much to know that we'll never be any more than best friends...when we deserve so much more."

Ian sat quietly, taking in everything that Brenda said. He looked back at her and tried to smile, but it came out more like a grimace. Brenda was staring intently at him once again. For a moment, she thought he was about to cry, but he cleared his throat and turned away for a second. Looking back her, he said, "You must have been reading my mind. I can't wait for our lunch dates on campus. I look forward to it as if it were an actual date with someone. I don't know what to do, cuz. Part of me wants to take that nightgown off of you and love you forever, but I think it would ruin everything, don't you?" Brenda nodded slowly. "I'm not going to risk losing you forever. You mean too much to me." He squeezed her hand. "Let's just work on being the very best friends anyone ever had."

"We don't have to work on that. You're already the best friend I could ever have." She moved close to Ian and hugged him. "I love you so much," she whispered in his ear.

"You too," he said. They broke their embrace and looked at each other. "You know," he continued, "I think we missed out on a great time."

"I know we did," Brenda replied, laughing.

"Still a virgin?"

"Yeah, and you?"

"Yeah."

They arrived at the funeral home promptly at 1:00 and were greeted at the door by the owner, James Morris, and were escorted directly to the viewing parlor. The smell of roses hit Brenda immediately and started to nauseate her. She became light-headed and dizzy and grabbed Ian's arm for dear life. Ian, startled, looked at Brenda and saw a pale shadow in her place. He guided her quickly to the nearest chair and sat her down. He asked Mr. Morris for a cup of water and it was brought to them.

"Thanks," Brenda said weakly. The water was very cold, for which Brenda was grateful. She sipped the water with her head down, not wanting to look at the coffins. Ian was rubbing her back trying to comfort her. After a few minutes, Brenda steeled herself and nodded to Ian. Ian got up quickly and extended his arms to her, whose view was blocked by him. He supported her as she rose slowly and unsteadily. Once on her feet, Ian waited for her lead. She moved to his right and took hold of his hand with both of hers. Slowly, they walked to the coffins.

They were situated at the far wall, Alice on the left and Harry on the right, with Harry's head at Alice's feet. Both coffins were bronze in color with gold rails and brackets. The lighting was subdued and low. Ian looked closely at Harry and he could see bruising and swelling about the face, although cosmetics and the lighting had concealed most of it. Alice was more or less the same, but to a lesser extent. Brenda gripped Ian's hand tightly as she gazed at her father. Her chin quivered, but she didn't cry. Tentatively, she reached out with her left hand and touched her father's hand, which had a rosary intertwined in his fingers. She drew back quickly as the coldness of his touch startled her. Slowly, she placed her hand back again and tenderly stroked his hand. A few minutes later, she moved over to her mother and held her hand momentarily. Brenda could not quite get over the coldness of their touch. She gazed at her mother's face, hoping against hope that she would wake and the nightmare be over, but Alice remained cold, silent.

Brenda let go of her hand and patted it. She turned to Ian, "I need some air." It was barely audible. He led her out of the room to the main hallway. Once there, Brenda sat down, took a handkerchief from her purse and blew her nose. Looking up at Ian, she asked, "Could you get me some more water, please? I think I left the cup in the other room."

"Sure," Ian said. "I'll be right back." He strode quickly to the viewing parlor and found the cup. It was still half full, so he came back and handed it to Brenda.

"Thanks," she said before she took a drink. "You know," she said, motioning to the other room, "they look better that I expected. They looked so terrible in the hospital. I guess I thought nothing could be done to make them look better."

"They did a good job," Ian remarked.

"Remind me to thank Mr. Morris, will you?"

"Sure."

Ian sat down beside her. They still had forty minutes before the guests were to arrive. Ian thought that Brenda was doing remarkably well so far and he was proud of her. Brenda finished the water and handed the cup to Ian.

"You want some more?" he asked.

"Yes, please," she replied. As Ian stood up to leave, Brenda said, "I'll be inside. I want to look at the flowers."

Ian looked at her quizzedly. "You sure?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'll be okay," she replied. Ian wasn't sure if he should leave her alone, but she smiled and waved him away. Reluctantly, he left and Brenda got up from the sofa and returned to the room. She started at her right and one by one, she studied the flowers and the note attached. She recognized almost all of the sender's names. The ones she didn't know, she assumed were business associates of her parents. Ian met up with her within a few minutes and handed her a small bottle of water.

"They were in the fridge in the lounge," he explained. "They said we could take as many as we wanted."

"Mom and dad had a great many friends. Look at all of these flowers," she said, looking around, ignoring his explanation.

Ian looked around and was impressed at the magnitude. All four walls were two or three rows deep with the arrangements. He watched as Brenda carefully read each card, one by one. When it got to be 12:50, Ian let her know that it was getting close to the visiting time.

They stationed themselves to the left of Alice's coffin since the mourners would be filing in counter-clockwise. Brenda was closest to the coffin, while Ian stood beside her to her right. Brenda knew almost everyone and greeted them warmly. She introduced Ian to everyone and he never shook hands with so many people in his life. Family and friends looked upon Ian with curiosity before he was introduced to them. They thought Brenda had married without them knowing or that he was her boyfriend. More than a few of the younger, unattached women made it a point to talk to Ian after finding out that he was a cousin and not a beau. He was courteous and polite, but offered nothing more. Yes, he was attracted to some, but he thought it crass for them to flirt with him, obvious or not.

The line never seemed to end, but Ian never looked at his watch to check the time. He knew that the evening visitation would be worse. He held Brenda's hand a few times when it looked like she would break down, but he tried not to do it too much thinking that it might attract attention. Brenda dabbed her eyes a few times, but remained stable with Ian at her side.

The line started to dwindle around 3:30 and by 4:15, the last of the mourners had left. Brenda turned to Ian and threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tight. "Thank you, thank you," she said over and over as her tears flowed freely, allowing her emotions to surface once more. "I would have never made it without you," she sobbed. She continued to cry for several minutes as Ian tried to comfort her. There was nothing much for him to do except let her cry it out.

Mr. Morris waited patiently and discreetly in the hall while Brenda cried on Ian's shoulder. When he thought that the time was right, he entered the room and approached the couple. Ian looked up when he heard him walk towards them. Brenda moved from Ian, wiping her eyes and blowing her nose.

"There's sandwiches and drinks in the lounge if you'd like something before the next visitation period," he said.

"You're too kind, thank you," Brenda said.

Morris nodded in appreciation and turned to leave. "Oh, Mr. Morris," Brenda said. He turned back and faced her. Brenda looked at her parents and then back to him. "Thank you for doing such a good job with them. I know that it was probably a very difficult job. They were pretty beat up."

"You're very welcome, Miss Barringer. If there's anything else that I or my staff can do for you, please let us know."

"Thank you, I will," she replied.

Morris left them and went back to his office. Ian took Brenda's hand and led her out of the room. As Ian turned to go to the lounge, Brenda hesitated.

"Let's go outside for a while. I need some fresh air."

"Okay," Ian replied.

It was a typical March afternoon, cool and blustery. The grounds of Morris Funeral Chapel were not large, so they decided to walk around the neighborhood. Arms around each other's waists, they strolled the tree-lined streets that had yet to bloom. Birds were starting to return from the south and the chirping cheered Brenda somewhat. Neither said much as they walked, each content with being with each other.

Brenda's mind was in a whirl, reliving the last few hours. Sometimes, she felt like she was in a dream, not the nightmare that plagued her, but one where she would awaken and her parents would be alive and laughing at the dinner table at a joke that her dad had told. But, she knew that this nightmare was real and neverending. Her friends, family, and the other mourners made this painfully clear and it wasn't something that she could get rid of, no matter how hard she tried. She really appreciated the kind thoughts, gestures, and remarks from everyone who came. Her parents were loved and respected more than she knew and now she had an even deeper sense of loss because of it.

As they rounded the corner and headed back to the funeral home, a sense of dread came over her. Their pace slowed down and eventually stopped a half a block away. Brenda turned her face upward and smelled the air that hinted rain. She loved rainstorms and wished for a downpour to wash away her sadness. Ian noticed her apprehension and held her close. She looked at him and smiled slightly as she put her head against his shoulder.

"I don't want to go back," she said.

"I know."

"I want stay here with you until the rain washes us away." A distant rumble of thunder was heard across the grim, gray sky as the wind began to pick up a bit.

"Sounds like a great plan," he remarked, "but there's a small problem."

"What's that?"

"I tend to get wet when it rains."

"Oh Ian..."

"And I can't swim very well. You know that."

"I'd save you."

"That's comforting."

"I wouldn't let you drown."

"Of course not..."

"I mean, I need to keep you around for a while."

"A while? That's not very long."

"It could be."

"How long?"

"As long as you like."

"I'd like that."

"I thought you would."

"One small problem."

"Oh no, not the cousin thing again."

"Sorry."

"You would bring that up. It's such a small, insignificant thing," she pouted.

"People would talk."

"So?"

"My parents would disinherit me."

"I'd help you out."

"Really?"

"Sure. I think we can find a space for you in the garage," she smiled.

"Garage? Your bed sounds better to me."

"I'm sure it would. Remember the cousin thing."

"Oh yeah. Sorry, I forgot. But, hey, we could do the platonic thing. I mean, we've already slept together twice and we've kept our clothes on."

"I wouldn't be able to control myself."

"Oh really?" he asked, eyebrows raised.

"You wouldn't be able to resist me, either, and you know it."

"Very true," he admitted.

"So, it sounds like the garage for you."

"What about the couch downstairs?"

"Too small for you."

"Better than the garage."

"Well, I'd have to lock my door every night to keep you away."

"What about me? You can come down and open the door to the garage any time. How will I be protected from you?"

"Oh, I'd be too tired and sleepy to walk all that way. It wouldn't be worth it," she smirked.

"Brat!"

"Yes, and what's your point?" she asked as the rain began to fall.

"Come on, let's get going," he said as he began to pull her with him. "I don't feel like drowning."

"I told you I'd save you," Brenda said as she matched him stride for stride, walking quickly down the sidewalk until they were on the porch of the funeral home. The rain started to come down in buckets, a real downpour. They were lucky to have escaped it.

"Wow! Just in time," Ian exclaimed as he started to turn to go inside.

"No, wait," Brenda said, "let's stay out here for a while. I love a good rainstorm."

So, Ian stayed by her side as she admired the deluge. It was almost as if the skies were mourning Brenda's loss, too. Yet, it comforted her. She remembered how she used to be afraid of storms and her mom would come to her room and keep her company until her fears were eased. Eventually, as she grew older, she enjoyed the rain and looked forward to storms. Looking out onto the glassy, water-filled streets, she knew that her mom would have enjoyed it, too.

After she had her fill, they went inside and helped themselves to the sandwiches and drinks. Neither were hungry, but they knew that they had to keep up their strength, so they ate and talked and even joked a little about Ian's "future" housing arrangement.

"You know," Brenda said between bites, "if you ever need a place to stay, you know, just to get away, my house is always open to you. Of course, there must be some place in that mansion of yours to get away and hide."

"They always find me. It's a sixth sense, I think. But, thanks, I'll keep that in mind."