All Comments on 'Brielle Gets A Big Surprise'

Decent story but you need to slow the action down a bit.

Readers tend to enjoy the build up.

Try some different adjectives and adverbs too. (flowing tits???)

Please seek an editor.

This is horrible.

Its a good story, don't get me wrong...but it would have been even better if you wrote out the WHOLE scene. Like, what happened with Brielle and Heather and Steve? People come here to jerk off, to be honest. And this just wasn't enough to get me off.

Editors are your friends. Get one. Get help. The concept is there, but you need more. It doesn't need to fit on one page. You won't loose any readers if it's a long story and you build the story up. You loose readers by writing what you're currently writing and not asking for help.

and the lit stands for "literature" not for "half assed first drafts"