Carry a Torch for Most of My Life

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Eric woke up before I did. When I finally opened my eyes, he was humming softly and lightly caressing my left thigh. The room was much darker than it had been when I fell asleep.

"What time is it?" I asked groggily.

"Ten o'clock. We slept for about four hours."

I felt so content, so safe in his arms, but the reality of the situation had reentered my mind, reminding me how wrong this was. I would have given anything to undo the year of secret stalking, to take back the weird emails, to never have spent so many hours keeping him under surveillance. I had no intention of telling him the truth. It wasn't so much that I feared for myself; my reasons for keeping silent had more to do with protecting him. If he knew he had invited his stalker into his home, made love to the girl who'd been terrorizing him, he would undoubtedly be mortified. I knew I would never harm him or anyone in his life, but he had no way of knowing that. I didn't want him to think he was in physical danger; I didn't want him to live in fear. And knowing he had slept with his harasser would certainly cause a great deal of fear.

Lost in my thoughts, I sighed. In response, Eric kissed my forehead.

"Are you happy?" he asked.

"Yes... Are you?"

"I am... I was thinking about something while you were still asleep..."

"What were you thinking?"

"Well..." He hesitated. "I was thinking that I don't want this to be a one night stand. Like I said before, I've never slept with someone so soon after meeting them. And I know situations like this are typically one night stands. But our conversation at the coffee shop, and being together here... I really like you, and I really want to get to know you. I feel a sense of connection with you already. That probably sounds silly, but..."

"It doesn't sound silly," I interrupted. There was a lump in my throat threatening to choke the life out of me. "I feel the same way... I wouldn't have lost my virginity to you if I didn't feel something besides lust."

He held me tighter. "So do you want to start seeing each other, then?"

"Yes," I replied, head spinning.

We held each other in silence for awhile. I realized Eric had fallen asleep. I lifted my head to look down at his sleeping face. He looked so peaceful and innocent lying there. I kissed his forehead, smiling to myself as his eyelids slightly fluttered.

What had I been thinking?

I couldn't date Eric after stalking him for a year! True, it was what I wanted more than anything in the world, and now he wanted it, too; my dream was becoming a reality. But it had been evil enough to sleep with him under a blanket of deceit; I couldn't be his girlfriend and live a lie. Besides, the more time I spent with him, the stronger the possibility that he might discover what I'd done. And what if he actually ended up caring for me very deeply, and then found out I had been his stalker? I couldn't hurt him like that. I had already violated him in so many different ways... It would be better to walk away now, before the situation became even more complicated.

My heart was breaking, but it was my own fault. If I'd been able to tell him how I felt shortly after taking the class he taught, if I hadn't spent the past year stalking him... But I hadn't told him, and I had stalked him. Now I had everything I wanted, but he didn't remember me being his student, and he didn't know I was his stalker. So I could not keep what I finally had. The pain was unbearable, but what hurt most was the knowledge I had brought it on myself.

Taking care not to wake him, I slid out of his embrace and climbed out of bed. After putting my clothes back on, I took a sheet of paper from his desk and wrote a short note: Dear Eric, I'm sorry. I've made a mistake. I can't see you again. I am sorry to leave while you are sleeping; it may not seem that way, but it's best for you that I'm leaving this way. I can't offer an explanation, because it would only hurt you, and I refuse to do that. None of this should have happened. I am sorry. Please take care. Sincerely, Sophie.

Tears rolling down my face, I placed the note on his pillow. I hated the melodrama of the note, but what else could I do or say?

It took all my willpower not to rip the note to shreds and climb back into the bed and Eric's arms. I couldn't have him. Stalkers don't win the love of their victims; that's not how it works. And I accepted that.

Was sharing his bed a mistake? Maybe, maybe not. Lying to him certainly had been wrong, but at least I now saw Reality and the consequences of my juvenile behavior. That might never have happened if I hadn't slept with him. And while I certainly enjoyed myself, the memory of giving myself to him would forever be tainted by the knowledge that I could've had more, if only I hadn't obsessively stalked him for a year.

But there was no point in blaming myself over and over, either. I couldn't undo my prior actions; I could only move forward.

Wiping my eyes, I walked to the door. I closed it behind me when I left, telling myself I would turn into a pillar of salt if I took one last glance at Eric's home.

I began the short walk back to my own apartment. There was a tightness in my chest, but I wasn't crying anymore.

Man, I must have been blind to carry a torch for most of my life....
These days, I'm hanging around....
You're out of my heart and out of my town....