Charade Ch. 02

"Here we go again," I thought. I checked with some contacts and got the name of a reputable and discreet private investigation agency. I made an appointment and spoke with one of the owners. I explained what I needed and he understood. I'm sure that he heard thesame story a thousand times. I gave him what information he requested as well as a pretty hefty check. Let them take care of it.

My relationship with Mary over the next few weeks was a little strained. We both recognized that a line had been crossed and we were careful around each other. No, no squabbling, no anger or even disagreements, but we were both a bit wary. Our routine didn't change. She didn't suddenly stop all travel or late nights. Things went along as they had been, more or less. I just bided my time, waiting for the information I needed, whatever it would be.

I knew in my heart what the report would contain and I was right. Being right didn't make me feel wonderful, in fact I felt like shit. They gave me chapter and verse, no explicit pictures but shots of her meeting a guy at restaurants, kissing, holding hands, going into hotels and leaving a few hours later. I also discovered that she met him when away on her trips. His name was Howard Branch, 48 years old, divorced a few years ago, 6' 3" tall, medium build, blond hair, blue eyes.

I was hurt and disappointed, but I was a little surprised that I wasn't devastated as I had been the first time around with my first wife. That though didn't make me feel any better. While I may not have loved Mary passionately, I was happy with her and I thought that she was also content. I was obviously wrong.

I had spent some time in reflection: Was it me? Was there something about me that invited this kind of thing. I knew that infidelity was not a rare thing, but for this to smack me in the face twice in as many relationships, was a bit too much. I know, I asked myself if I had it in me to work this out with Mary. I knew what the answer would be - I just couldn't. I guess that I'm just not strong enough, not man enough. I could forgive a lot, but the pain, the humiliation of this kind of thing was something too much for me to handle. I guess that I never learned to share when in kindergarten.

I spoke with my attorney; I thought that since Mary and I never really formalized our relationship legally, separating would be a snap. He soon let me know that despite the fact that we didn't marry formally, we, in effect, did live together as man and wife for quite awhile. He also let me know that if this went to the courts, it could be a very sticky legal mess. He suggested that I speak with Mary and see if we couldn't come to some sort of mutual agreement - it would save both of us a lot of grief.

***************

It was on the following Friday. We had just finished a pizza for dinner and were sitting in the living room with the TV on. Neither of us were watching it.

"How long have you been screwing him?" I asked softly.

Mary look up, startled, and paled visibly. I saw her eyes fill with tears, which she blinked away rapidly. I could see her gather herself together. "I'm sorry, Jerry. I had hoped that you wouldn't find out." Her eyes filled again and the tears started to run over her cheeks.

"How long, Mary? I know his name, Howard Branch. Do you love him?" I knew that this was hurting her, I didn't care.

She had lowered her head and the tears continued. I had to strain to hear her. "About 8 months. He had recently moved to Tampa. I saw him at the mall." She looked up at me, her eyes glistening. "Jerry, he's my ex-husband, Stacy's father."

It was like she had just shoved a knife into my chest. Stacy's father??? "FUCK NO. I'M STACY"S FATHER, YOU BITCH," I exploded. No one would take that away from me.

She blanched and cowered. "That was stupid," she cried. "I know that you are, you are Stacy's father. I just meant that he is her biological father."

I was relentless. "Answer my question, Mary." I had lowered my voice, trying to regain my calm. "Do you love him? Do you love him?"

"I don't know," she wailed. "I just don't know. I don't know why I started up with him again. I knew it was a mistake, I knew that I would be sorry. I couldn't stop, Jerry. I couldn't say no to him. It was like it was when we first met and married. I knew he wasn't good for me, but I couldn't keep away from him." She was crying, gasping, trying to catch her breath. Her nose was running, she looked a mess. I rose and got her some tissues.

I felt deflated, wrung out. Damn, I also felt sorry for her. My anger had dissipated, I knew that I held the losing cards. Mary was no longer Mary, she was someone else now, whether she knew it or not. I was right back where I had first started, on the shitty end of another relationship.

I had had enough. Even though she was not the love of my life, I was hurt, hurt and disappointed in her. The lying, the cheating, the disrespect, all thoroughly disgusted me. I deserved more than that. Okay, okay, I was indulging in a little self-pity, so what. It wasn't fair, I guess not all things in life are fair.

"I'm sleeping in the guest suite tonight, Mary," I said dully to her. "I would appreciate you moving out as soon as you can find a place of your own. We'll just tell people that we drifted apart and decided to move on." People like my mom ........ and, of course, Stacy. Shit, that wouldn't be easy. I got up and shuffled, like an old man, to the bedroom.

I got up early the next morning and went to work. I tried to keep my mind off my personal trauma, trying to not let it interfere with my work. Yeah, like that was going to happen. When I returned home that evening, Mary was gone. She had packed most of her clothing and personal stuff. It was almost like she had never been there. Oh, yeah, she did leave something - a letter.

Dearest Jerry:

I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for the hurt I've caused you. You have done absolutely nothing to make me behave in such a shameful manner. As I tried to tell you last night, I don't understand why I can't break this attraction, this addiction, I have for Howard. I know that he will eventually destroy me. I have again vowed never to see him again, but I really don't know if I'm strong enough to keep that promise.

You have never been anything but kind and loving. None of this is your fault. You are the sweetest, most compassionate man I've ever met, and, over the past years, I've come to love you. I know that we have, or had, an unspoken agreement about that, but you have to know that I love you. That makes what I've done to us even more horrible, more unthinkable.

I will be gone by the time you are reading this. I will send for the rest of my things as soon as possible. I ask that you find it in your heart to someday forgive what I've done. I was not strong enough to stop my infidelity, my betrayal. Please don't hate me. I beg you, Jerry. Please don't hate me.

All My Love,

Mary

I collapsed into an easy chair and let the letter flutter to the floor. I felt exhausted, totally wrung out. I knew that I would miss Mary, she had been a part of my life for so long, but in another sense, I was glad that she was gone. I think that at that time I really wanted to be alone. I didn't want the responsibility of another person in my life. I needed some solitude. I needed time to get my head on straight.

Another thought then entered my consciousness, A job I needed to do. A task that I couldn't leave undone. Call it vindictiveness, call it revenge, who gives a shit what it's called. I wanted to do this not only for Mary, but for me also. She needed to start a new life without complications. I was going to see to it that she got that opportunity.

I had his address and I knew that it wouldn't be difficult. I was going to take care of Mr. Howard Branch, one way or the other and I was going to do it tonight. I quickly changed clothes and was out of the door in under 10 minutes. It took about 45 minutes to get to where he lived, a part of town that was far from affluent. His apartment building looked a little seedy, a little run down. I knocked on his door and waited.

The door opened and I got my first look at this asshole. He was a big fucker and it looked as if he didn't have much fat on him. I quickly put my hand on his chest and pushed, catching him off balance. He staggered back into the apartment and I entered and closed the door behind me. He regained his equilibrium and stared at me

"I'm gonna tear your fuckin head off, you little shit," he yelled, coming at me clumsily. Five seconds later he was prone on the floor, moaning. I let him catch his breath and then I pulled him into a sitting position and began to explain the situation to him.

"Listen very carefully to me, Howard. My name is Jerry Ford. My friend's name is Mary Black. Do you understand me so far?" I slapped him sharply. He nodded quickly. "Good," I continued. I'm going to show you what pain is like, Howard. I'm going to put you through quite a bit of pain tonight, but I won't leave too many marks on you. I don't want to mark you up." I then did just that. After about 20 minutes Mr. Howard Branch had thrown up twice and was pleading for me to stop.

I walked into his little galley kitchen and got a glass of water which I threw in his face. I then filled the glass again and let him drink. I then bent down and turned his face to me. I made sure that he had his wits about him and I explained things to him.

"Okay, Howard. This is what you're going to do. You're going to pack what shit you have and you're going to leave this area. By this area, I mean the southeast part of this country. I would strongly suggest that you try California, or Oregon or even Washington. Because if I find you here 24 hours from now I will make sure that you never get out of a wheelchair. I will make sure that you're crippled for life. That's just for starters, Howard. Do you fully understand what I'm telling you, Howard? Look into my eyes and tell me that you understand." He did that and nodded vigorously, or as vigorously as he was able.

I left and drove home. I stripped and spent a half hour in the shower. I was sickened by what I had done. Shit, was I no better than that asshole? Intellectually, I rationalized, that my actions would be of tremendous benefit to Mary, she wouldn't have to contend with Branch anymore, but, deep down, I knew that the methods I used were animalistic and at least partly for me; a sort of revenge for fucking up my life again. I shook my head, the hell with it. I wasn't going to agonize over it. I did what had to be done and I would live with it.

Mr. Howard Branch was gone the next day.

Talking with my mom and then Stacy wasn't easy. They couldn't understand and I wouldn't go into detail. Stacy threatened to fly home, but both Mary and I were adamant and finally convinced her to stay at school. We would talk later. I suspected the Mary finally told Stacy what had happened. When I spoke with my daughter the next time she seemed subdued and sad. "I'll always love you, dad," she had said to me and filled my heart.

*******************

So the days and weeks passed. I got on with my life, such as it was. I knew that I had to make a decision about the company, should I sell it or not? The prospective buyer was patient but wasn't going to wait forever. He had told me to take my time. "There's no rush," he emphasized, but he did give me a date, a date when I had to give him a decision. That date was fast approaching, I had a month. On the one hand, I wanted to sell, get rid of the responsibility. But on the other hand, it was the only thing that provided any purpose to my life. What would I do with myself if I sold? So I procrastinated. Finally, a week before the deadline, I called and cancelled the buyout. I would keep the company.

Weeks turned into months and I became pensive as I realized that I was now over 49 years old and the half century mark wasn't far away. What did I have to show for the 50 years? Yeah, a successful company, a young lady who was my daughter in almost every sense of the word (Stacy called every week without fail) and a solitary existence. Did I miss Mary? Sure, but it became almost the same as missing Ben and Rachael. We had had good years together, but we moved on. The last I heard Mary was doing well at her job and dating. She would find someone. Did I mind being alone? Not really, I told myself, I guess I had gotten used to it.

********************

"Jerry," I heard Gail, my secretary, on the intercom. "You have a visitor."

I was busy with the specs on a proposed job and was deeply involved. I was abrupt with her. "Damn it, Gail. I'm busy. Take care of it for me."

She persisted. "Jerry, I think that you'll want to see him. It's Bernard Van Horn." and I could hear the laughter in her voice. Everyone here knew who Bernard Van Horn was. I froze for a long second and then jumped to my feet and rushed out of my door. There, standing by Gail's desk, tall and slim and white haired, looking much younger than his 70 some years, was Bernie Van Horn.

I caught him in a bear hug, the lump in my throat preventing me from speaking right away. He hugged me back and patted me on the back. "Okay, Jerry. Let me breath," he laughed. I stepped back and just looked at him. Damn, we had kept in touch, but this was my first sight of him in what, 20 years or so? I quickly ushered him into my office and we sat in the small sitting area there. I still couldn't believe my eyes. We talked, bringing each other up to date. I knew that he had sold his company recently. He told me that he and Kate had moved to Naples, further down the west coast a few weeks ago. It was something that they had discussed for a few years, but never really acted on. On a whim, they had flown down a month ago and looked at some properties. They saw a home on the gulf, fell in love with it and bought it. That quick.

Bernie asked about how my business was and what made me decide not to sell. I gave my reasons and he nodded his head in understanding. "Jerry, you know that you're going to have to come down and visit with us now that we're so close. Kate would really be pissed if you didn't"

I assured him that I would and we reminisced some more. I talked about the early days, starting my company on a shoestring, barely making it before I got a couple of breaks. I saw a twinkle in his eyes and then the light bulb came on in my head. My God, what kind of idiot was I? I never suspected and I should have. It was Bernie, he gave my company the push it needed. I stumbled over my self in trying to express my gratitude.

"Don't be silly, Jerry. All I did was call in a couple of favors. You took the ball and ran with it and everyone saw the excellence of your work. The success of your company was due to your talent and hard work. I really did very little." he said dismissively.

There was a lull in our conversation and I saw him gazing at me expectantly. I knew what he was waiting for and it was time. Anyway, I really wanted to know, I was more than curious, but also afraid. I knew that by opening that can of worms I would be exposing myself to more possible heartache.

"Bernie, how is Kimberly? Is she ok? Is she happy? I truly hope that she is well," I said quietly.

I saw Bernie sit back and let out a soft breath. "I've been waiting a long time for you to ask, Jerry. Thank you, thank you for asking. Kate will be so happy that you did. Now about Kimberly." Bernie shifted in his chair, hesitated a bit, seemed to collect this thoughts and began. "It's been a long time since you left and a lot has happened to her." I steeled myself, knowing that her child was now grown, I expected to hear that she had married and had a family. For some reason, I just didn't want to hear that, I really didn't want to hear that.

"Jerry," Bernie continued. "Kim lost the baby about a month after you left. She had a miscarriage. The doctors told her that she would not be able to conceive again. I don't remember the reason for that, I'm not sure I even understood it then. She had already resigned from her position with the publishing company. The divorce, the miscarriage and it's aftermath left her in a clinically depressed state.

"No, No, not your fault, Jerry. Don't even begin to blame yourself. What happened to Kim was a mess of her own making and she fully realized that. Her stupidity (her word, not mine) literally destroyed her world. We really feared for her and it took months and months of therapy for her to finally come around. You know, in a sad and tragic way, what Kim allowed to happen changed her. She became more mature, more responsible, more....... ah, compassionate, if that's the word I'm searching for."

I didn't know what to say. This was all new information. I was a bit shook about what Bernie had just passed on to me. There were emotions roiling inside of me, but I, at that time, couldn't even begin to identify them. But, one thing for sure, I began to realize that Kim still provoked emotions in me, just discussing her did that.

Bernie shifted in his chair again. "When things settled down a bit and Kim seemed on her way to recovery, she came to us. She told us that she wanted to go back to school and study medicine. Damn, we were stunned and thought that this was another facet of her depression. She assured us that she had given this a lot of thought, investigated it thoroughly and really wanted to do this. To make a long story short, she enrolled in Penn's Medical School and became an M.D. She went on to specialize in Pediatric Oncology. She told us that she knew that she would never have children of her own and she wanted to be near them and be of some use to them."

Bernie paused and kept his eyes on me. I literally didn't know what to say. Kim had absolutely adored her job as an editor. That was the first shock, that she had resigned. Perhaps her pregnancy caused that. Losing the baby must have been devastating for her, although I couldn't muster up any real sorrow about that, considering how she became pregnant. The rest of what Bernie had told me stunned me. That she could not have children, had become a physician and was a oncologist, a pediatric oncologist at that. Was this the actions of the Kim that I knew? It was hard to even begin to make heads or tails of all of this.

"Do you want to know one of the reasons why we moved down here, Jerry?" Bernie asked. "Probably the biggest reason? We wanted to be near Kim, We wanted to be near our daughter."

I looked at him blankly. "Huh? Near her? What......" I sounded like a real dimwit. I think that I was getting so much information that I became overloaded. "Kim is here?" I thought to myself.

"Kim had accepted the position as Chief of Pediatric Oncology at the Cancer Center at the University here in Tampa. She's been on the job about a couple of months now." Bernie informed me.

"Jerry, would you like to see her, say hello maybe. No, no, don't panic. She doesn't even know I'm here. She'd be really pissed if she knew that I had suggested that, but she does know that you're here in Tampa. Do you think that's what influenced her in accepting this position," he teased and I saw the twinkle in his eyes.

"Jerry, all kidding aside. I'm pretty sure that she would have accepted the position either way because it's what she wanted, but knowing that you were here kind of gave her pause.. It's not that she didn't want to see you, it's rather that she didn't want to complicate your life with her presence."

I just sat and shook my head. I had to process everything that Bernie was telling me. It was just too much, I had to sort it all out. Bernie saw my befuddlement and rose to his feet. "Okay, Jerry. I know that I just unloaded quite a bit on you. Mull it over, you know that I'll be in touch."