All Comments on 'Cheap Shot'

...and why is this in LW?

This was not a breaking point and it was far too short. If you are doing chapters, give us a couple pages and break at a point that will have us wanting more.

Looking forward to the rest! But no Boston coach would sit the player. It was nice you gave him a heart transplant for the story Go Habs Go

no matter how foul good or bad, TK U MLJ LV NV

First...not informing the reader of multiple chapters up front is a "cheap shot."

As said already, this is too short to get me interested and the breaking point isn't very exciting.

A prologue with a brief synopsis would have also been a good idea. So far I don't see why this is put in LW. I really don't care for hockey.

The writing itself was fine.

What? Davey wasn't wearing a cup? I doubt he would be allowed on the ice.

In the NHL, while only the refs can call a foul, after a game the league's chief player disciplinarian (it was Brendan Shanahan until April. Forget who it is now.) does hand out fines and suspensions, sometimes very serious ones to flagrantly bad or dangerous behavior, especially with malicious intent. He wasn't shy about it, especially with repeat offenders, thus the whole term 'shanaban'.

Way too short to develop any characters or a true story line. As I tell my students "Take this back and resubmit it when you have an actual story, not just a thought". Get somene who has graduated high school to proofread this before you resubmit it. As others have mentioned, to stop when and where you did shows a serious lack of understanding what literature is. Also, this is obviously in the wrong category.

Now for the rest of the story, please!

In addition, how about warning people it's not a complete story by using a chapter # in the title. I really, really, REALLY hate when I encounter shit like this. As far as I'm concerned, it indicates that the writer doesn't give a fuck about its own story -- or the readers.

The quality of writing on this site has not yet hit rock bottom, it seems...

hockey game i take it because if you did the asshole who did the spearing would be a player from montreal and the ref would have seen it and just not called it as usual and the idiot montreal fans would think that the way it should be.

While I understand all your comments, each of you should have some consideration for a first time writer. I am sure that you all know this is a amateur writer forum, maybe you could be a little more constructive in your comments towards this new author. I have been reading on this site for about nine or ten years, and I don't think I have ever read so many harsh comments. Since not one of us knows where this is going, let's give this writer a chance to tell the story the way they want. We all can praise or condemn later. What your doing know is nothing but, as the title says A Cheap Shot.

I apologize for the harsh comments but I am basing this on actual events that happened in the NHL last year. If I was the injured player I would have been humiliated and embarrassed by what happened. If I was a sibling of he injured hockey player or a spouse or parent I would be furious. So with that said I'm writing this story as to what could have happened and what someday might happen.

This (unnumbered) chapter is NOT non-erotic ... it is ANTI-erotic. Further, the only potentials for LW I can see are 1) that one (or more) Significant Others bait the Ball Buster into a vulnerable situation and the group exacts retribution. The other 2) is that one of the brothers seduces the Ball Buster's wife/GF and publically humiliates BB (which would also, of course, humiliate GF!) In neither case is the focus of the story on the Loving Wife!

I'm sorry, but the simplest and most elegant solution would be to corner BB in a parking lot or some-such (while masked) and give him 9 whacks to the jewels with a hockey stick! With a verbal promise to fully castrate him (if the blunt-force trauma delivered doesn't necessitate that already!)

Reality check ... no network TV taping this game from six Hi-Def cameras? No personal videos that catch these incidents, which could be delivered to the League for sanctions? Hard to believe, with such a history, that word has not been passed to game officials and special League spotters! If coach of BB's team (and his team-mates) know this, and are upset, why is BB not fired or roughed up in the locker-room. Next year, with trades, these players will become targets and they know it. Even during the same game, they become targets for retribution, also! Just TOO implausible, IMHO!

... and you call that a chapter? What a lame fucking start to a story. Quit writing and go back to watching your wife fuck other men you goddamned weenie.

if this was a teaser, a chapter 0 or prologue, or better yet adding the story or its beginning as a chapter after would be great.

dunno where you are taking it, but tell us the story.

and the whiners can read elsewhere and never find out what happens.

again, keep it coming

RA

Jeez. 'nuff said.

Well it seems as though, even the writers who I have admired, Laptopwrier, Wyldcard and Harddaysknight all won't to jump on the new writer and castrate them before the even tell their first tale. I seem to remember a time that your story's were not so good. But, all three of you has improved with each new story that you have written. It is a shame that you can't give the same hope to a new writer that YOU were given when you started. My opinion of you three has dropped, not a little but a lot. What a shameful way for you three to act. I can almost forgive the others because after reading their comments it is plain that they have no talent for writing themselves, but you three? How childish is that!

I like the idea of get even with an asshole who done wrong. I am sure almost everyone does. Now comes the but! This chapter needs more meat and more length. At least one more scene giving a stronger hint as to what direction the action is goign to take. Ending on a Duh!, We gotta do somethin' guys and girls, does anyone have a good idea just doesn't draw the reader back for seconds.

Just my opinion for what it is worth.

I don't understand your criticism. New writers do not learn from gushing all over about their stories. They learn from honest, informative criticism. That is what we three provided. No one told him he should stop writing; in fact, I said the writing itself was fine.

As for the criticism we got when we first started...

I can't speak for the others but because a couple of my first stories involved reconciliation I was called names, told to burn in hell, and even had my life threatened if I didn't stop writing.

I honestly don't believe any of us were that hard on him. Like the rest of us, he needs to learn from his mistakes.

But I'm not a sports fan of any kind. If you write "Inside Baseball/Hockey/whatever" stuff in a general forum, you have to give non-hockey fans some reason to care. OK, a heavily padded hockey pucker got speared in the nuts. Whatever. Nobody called him on it. Whatever. As a non-hockey fan who only sees an occasional violent clip on TV, it looks like business as usual. Why would I care that family and friends are upset? Is that the story? I pass.

You see what I mean? Give me some reason to care. At least give me some reason to keep reading. Especially if you expect me to invest my time reading something that is going to run multiple chapters! Right now, there is no reason. There is no story.

Others have mentioned the same thing in other ways. Take their advice to heart even if it seems a little brutal. Besides the ability to craft a story, a writer needs a hide like a rhino...especially on LW!

rj

Hey! How can you write a story for Lit without sex? LOL Or does getting speared in the gonads count as sex. Thanks. I'll be looking for the next episode.

Corsair

It is hugely too short, and there was little action or drama, so there is nothing much to comment on. Well, if I were embarking on a criminal endeavor, I would not enlist eleven or more amateurs to help. Now if the story rolled right on to what ever clever plot you have devised, I would have read on.

However, not now. Not enough of a story to hook me.

You hit on one of my pet peeves - no indication in the title or at the beginning that this is a multiple part story. Fortunately it was so short I did not waste too much of my time (I normally don't read multi part stories until they are finished - too many times they are either never completed, or ensuing chapters come after much time has passed and I have lost the continuity of the tale).

Next thing Laurel needs to do is prohibit anony feedback. That would get rid of cunts like you for good. You ain't wanted on this site, doncha get it dickhead?

i hope he gets denutted

OK lots of comments from Igor the anonomous. Lets have part 2 and 3. A great start but only a start.

You gave us nothing. Waiting for Ch 2.

Too short, or rather it ended in the air... The whole story together may be excellent but we can not tell much from the shard.

misted with comments, we wait.

Thanks for sharing on Lit.

x

I have learned a lot reading comments on many different stories that I have read from almost every category on this site, The greatest lesson you can learn here is to never submit anything under LW. I am sure this category has some intelligent readers, but if you go to other LW stories and read comments, you will find there are more trolls per capita in this category than any other. I have not yet figured out why there are so many assholes reading LW who feel compelled to trash writers. But they usually comment under Anon. I assume that this is because they have difficulty writing their name, much less a story.

I'm sure by the time you finish I'll be saying Right On.

FTDS we need you here

nice start but finish the damn story

Finish it, fucking tired of these writers that start a story then leave it for months if they even come back at all and finish what they start!

why even place a story on here if you can't finish the damn thing, this isn't even worth rating. I agree with anonymous, it's damn stupid to post a story when you have no frigging idea how to include a finish.

Here it is November. Time to Finish The Damn Story!!!!!!!!

Lame fucks finish the fucking story asswipe

Into to what? Don't submit crap unless the story is complete asswipe.

Half a story and no follow up. To be continued? WHEN?

the closure which has several avenues of options await to be penned on paper. TK U MLJ LV NV

too bad you didn't continue could have been a good story

The cheap shot being the begining of a story.

Cheap Shot? The author gave us all a cheap shot by not finishing the story. THIS STORY IS TIME WASTED.

As to the question as to when (it will be finished)? Tha answer is after eight years is "never".!

Interesting setup. It seems it will never be finished.

What? FTDS

1 star the rest of the stars are to be continued. Get the point!!

Btw loved the writing. It’s just a single page. Given your first story maybe you want to put your best out there in completion. Just an idea from some one who’s been here awhile

Oh and FTDS is a writer that Finishes The Dam Story by other writers who don’t. Not to worry he always asks permission

Finish the damn story!