Christmas Mystery Theater

Barry took out the magazine from the semi-auto pistol and unloaded it. "Oh yeah, I've got a bunch of partial prints, here, but it might take some time to get matches in the database." He took photographs of the prints in the UV light.

"I understand." I said. "Get the process started as fast as you can, though." I had Tanya walk with me towards the front of the stage. I brought Guy French over.

"Guy, we're going to have to have some of the guys here bring the body upstairs, unless you want EMTs down here." I said. Guy French rounded up some men and 'Mr. Green' would be taken upstairs, using the sheets of the bed, after Barry was finished with the crime scene.

"Okay, Tanya." I said. "I want you to interview the audience members. If they say they saw something, you'll have to get an affidavit; otherwise, don't worry about their personal information. Once you're done with all of them, I'll probably let them go home."

"I understand." Tanya said. "I want to join this group myself, some day, so I sure don't want to make enemies. But are you sure we don't need names?"

"I've already taken a list of who was sitting where." I said. "I'll keep it sealed unless and until the information is needed."

Tanya peered at me. "You already know who did this, don't you?"

"No." I said. "But I can tell you this: I'm sure it's one of the actors, or at least no one in the audience.

A moment later Barry called Tanya and myself back into the stage area, on the left side. Floating in the punch bowl was... not what you're thinking. There were two blue latex gloves, turned inside out.

"I don't think we'll be getting prints off of these." said Tanya.

"Well, it's valuable for one reason." I said. "It shows me that someone was thinking about this crime, and thinking about this disposal of evidence. That's premeditation, and it shows familiarity with this play and the fact the punch bowl would be here, so I read the riddle."

Part 7 - Interviews

I had Myron Milton use his laptop to start running checks on each of the actors in the play, as well as the director and A/V persons. He had to be upstairs to get a good connection.

"Here's a brilliancy." I said to Mary. "I can use this A/V room to conduct some discreet interviews." I did so, bringing them in one by one. Because she was qualified with a gun and equivalent to a Detective, Senior Technician Mary Mahoney could be my witness for the interviews.

I spoke with the Detective first. "Nice coat and hat, there." I said. He blushed.

"Well, it was all in fun for you tonight." he said. "But it looks kind of stupid now."

"Not at all." I said. "I'm glad someone has good taste in coats and hats, but don't expect to get that baseball bat upgrade right now." The Detective had seen nothing amiss, no other persons, no one from the audience get up or go to the stage or backstage.

Mrs. Peabody came in, and I felt a strong attraction to her. We were practically flirting throughout our interview. She told me that everyone but Col. Mustard, Professor Plum and Mr. Green had been backstage left during the intermission, except for Mrs. White collecting the cards, of course. When we were finished, she said "I'm very impressed watching you work. I hope you'll share your findings with me when you're done."

"I'm sure we can have a discussion over lunch." I said, handing her my card. After she left, Mary Mahoney said "You're going to get fucked, Commander. She wants your cock, bad. I can see it in her eyes."

"She'll get my cock if she wants it." I said. "She's hot as hell."

"You like those older women, don't you Commander?" Mary asked. She was one inappropriate woman, but I liked her that way.

"You betcha." I said.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Director said, in response to my questioning, "No, the lights were not supposed to go off completely then. I was wondering what the A/V guys were doing. But they couldn't have done it, could they? They never left the room."

"I agree, they never left the A/V room." I said. "So someone cut the lights some way. It's an interesting point for me to consider."

Next to last was Professor Plum. "How long have you been with the University?" I asked.

"Twelve years." he said.

"Longer than my wife." I said. "So you're married to Mrs. White?"

"Yes." said Plum. "We were married about four years ago, right after she graduated from school."

"And you have no children?" I asked.

"No." said Plum. "We'd decided not to start a family yet."

"I see." I said, not revealing to him what I knew.

It was when Mrs. White came in that I had Laura come in, also. After asking her about the whereabouts of people at certain times, I then said "I have to ask you some very personal questions, here. First, you are pregnant, aren't you?"

"Yes." said Mrs. White, looking over at Laura.

"Ma'am, I need to know: is Mr. Green, the victim, the father of your child?"

Fear crept into the beautiful woman's eyes, but she steeled herself. "Yes, he is. How did you know? I didn't even tell Dr. Fredricson that."

"Ma'am, you do my wife a disservice. I did not learn that from her. In fact, I did not hear it from anyone until you told me just now. But to be sure: your husband does not know that the victim is the father of your child, nor even that you are pregnant, does he?"

"No." said Mrs. White, tears forming in her eyes. "I've been wanting a child, but my husband said we should wait. I got off the pill, and was just going to get pregnant by him, and it'd be done. Then I started seeing (Mr. Green), and we were in the play together..."

"Your husband thinks you are still on the pill; otherwise he'd have problems with you letting Mr. Green climax inside you, isn't that right?"

"Probably." said the woman. "I... I wasn't trying to cuck him, I wanted it to be his baby, and..." The woman broke down in Laura's arms, and my wife began comforting her.

"I'll leave you two alone." I said, motioning for Mary Mahoney to come out with me.

Tanya reported to me on her interviews with the audience members. "What time is it?" I asked.

"About midnight." she replied.

"Okay, take them upstairs, give the CC permit people their guns back, and let them go home, admonishing them not to say anything about what happened here tonight lest the Press get wind of it. Make sure to scare them by mentioning said Press. Then call the EMTs by cell phone, not the radio, to come get the body, but don't let them come any further than the front room up there, and definitely not down here." I said. Tanya scooted.

A few minutes later, Laura came out of the A/V room. I told Mary Mahoney to stay with her, but to keep her segregated from the rest of the actors, including her husband. I then went into the A/V room with Laura again.

"Laura," I said, "I'll understand if you tell me 'Hell, no' on this, but I need some information from University Hospital, and I'd rather not have to get a warrant." I told her what I needed.

"I'll borrow Myron's computer and access the records." Laura said. "If they're not digitized, I'll call Nurse Jones and have her look them up." Nurse Jones worked with my wife, and was trustworthy.

Thirty minutes later, I had my answer. "Professor Plum had a vasectomy about six years ago." Laura told me. "He could not have been the father of his wife's child. But he couldn't have known: she said she had not yet told him she was pregnant."

"You're right; he certainly never learned from her, and had no idea while watching her fucking her lover during play practice or the play itself that she'd been cuckolding him."

"So who do you think could have done it?"

"Oh, that's easy." I said. "Right now all I need are some handcuffs. We're going to make an arrest, my dear."

At this point, dear readers, you may wish to pause and attempt to solve who was the murder, where and with what weapon in the play... as well as who the real murderer is. The answer is below when you keep reading. Thanks, WW.

Part 8 - Solution

"Who did it?" Laura asked.

"Indulge me." I replied. "I have to do something first. Mary, you're my backup on this." I called the second A/V man into the A/V room.

"Who paid you to turn out the lights when the murder was committed?" I asked harshly.

"Uh... nobody." he said. "I was supposed to turn out the lights then."

"Bull shit." I said. "I talked to the Director. She said that the lights didn't go completely off then, and she didn't understand why you turned them off. So I'll ask you once again: who paid you to do it?"

"I'm invoking my Fifth Amendment rights. I want a lawyer." the man said, his wisest move of the evening.

"Suit yourself." I said. "Turn around. You're under arrest for aiding and abetting first degree murder." Since I was much larger than he was, he complied readily. I affixed the handcuffs to him and had Mary keep him inside there. Now for the murderer.

I went to the stage, where the actors were sitting. "Professor, can I have another moment with you?"

"Sure." he said, following me to the A/V room. I let him go in first, then followed, shutting the door behind us. It was crowded in the room.

"What is this?" the professor asked, seeing the A/V man in cuffs.

"Professor," I said, "you are under arrest for the murder of (Mr. Green)." I said. I recited to him his rights.

"How in the hell do you come up with this idea?" said the Professor. "Is this one of your world-famous bluffs?"

"Bluffs? Me?" I asked, genuine surprise in my voice. "I never bluff, Professor, and I'm not sure where that reputation comes from. No, I think we'll be able to match the fingerprints from the bullets in the pistol we found, which I think will turn out to be the murder weapon." I affixed handcuffs to the Professor.

"Now gentlemen, we're going to be taking you to Police Headquarters." I said. "The first of you that cuts a deal will probably get a lighter sentence, but you're both in heap big trouble."

All of my officers escorted the two men upstairs. The other actors looked stunned when they saw the arrested men brought out of the A/V room. I went up to them. Some of the audience, including the French couple, had stayed as well.

"As you can tell," I said, "I have arrested the perps that committed the crime here tonight. I cannot guarantee we can keep this out of the Press, but I'll try."

"Damn, that was an amazing job." said Mrs. Peabody. "How did you figure it out so fast."

"I'm afraid that I must have some privacy for the most of it." I said. "I'm sure you all understand. You're free to go home, but I might have you give statements over the next few days. If you leave town, notify the Police Department first."

"By the way, Don," said the Director. "You won the contest, and you were the only correct guess. Colonel Mustard, in the Kitchen, with the Wrench."

"Thanks, send the money to the Wounded Warrior Project." I said. "I can tell the play is written so that it can be one of four people, either the Kitchen or the Hall, and with any one of the weapons. In this case, the blow to the head suggested the Wrench. It had to be in the Kitchen, the dragged blood was a ruse. And Colonel Mustard had to change his shirt and tie due to blood spatter, and the tie was a different color. His motive was jealousy, as he saw his wife and Mr. Green not only have sex, but were flirting afterwards."

"You were two for two tonight, darling." said Laura, who then turned to the others and said "And my reward is that I get to take this man home and recreate those sex scenes you performed so well tonight..."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"How did you know?" Laura said as she drove me home in her brand new Mercedes, an early Christmas gift and replacement for the one she'd recently lost.

"The A/V man was easy." I said. "He was the only one who could cut the lights off and then back on. Once the Director said the lights weren't supposed to go completely off then, I knew he was involved."

"As to the Professor," I said, "he was somewhat in the background the whole time, and could've slipped away from the others. He'd been planning to kill for some time; knowing he could slip the gloves in the punch bowl, knowing he could put the gun in a gun cabinet drawer where it wouldn't be seen as out of the ordinary, generally knowing the times and places of the people, the acts, the lights, etc. All he had to do was get the A/V guy to kill the lights for him at the right time, get the gun if he didn't already have it on him, then shoot his victim. I wasn't sure if he meant to shoot Green or his wife White, but I guess that doesn't matter now."

"And the motive?" I continued. "I think he must've overheard his wife tell someone else she was pregnant, or he or someone saw her visit you and word got back to him. She didn't know he'd had a vasectomy; he finds out she's pregnant and it has to be by another man. Oldest motive in the world: jealousy. Nobody else had any reason to do anything, from what Myron was finding at first. So once you confirmed he'd had a vasectomy, it pretty much fell into place for me. I do expect to find the Professor's prints on those bullets; that was an all-too-common overlook for him, there."

"Well, you kept the exposure down, and I was told by several Members that they are grateful to you for that." Laura said. "But how are you going to keep it out of the Press?"

"That, I'm not sure of." I said. "I'm hoping and praying they'll both confess, and ADA Patterson can backdoor this through the system before Bettina Wurtzburg, our bloodhound-nosed reporter, finds out."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Fortune was indeed with us, but not the way I thought it would be. The Professor, having time in our holding cells to realize the enormity of his crime, confessed fully... then committed suicide in the holding cell. It was a reproach to me and to our Police Department to not consider that he might need to be on suicide watch, but a review board said he'd given us no real signs of being suicidal. The A/V man agreed to a guilty plea for a vastly reduced sentence, and ADA Patterson indeed snuck it through the system. Nothing done wrong, it's there for all to see if they look, but the Press didn't get wind of it.

And no, we did not go see the clean version of the play at the University Theatre, though it was a big hit and raised a good bit of money for charity. I had enough to do, parties to enjoy, sex with my wife to enjoy, and no need to solve any more mystery plays... real life was bringing plenty enough of those to handle for me.

Finis.