Coming to Grips Ch. 01

Once the medics were there, things did not take long. They had Suzanne's mother onto a gurney in a minute and started to wheel her out to the aid car. Suzanne's father took one step to follow them and then stopped to look over at her.

"James?" Gayle said softly before he could say anything. "I can drive Suzanne to the hospital if you want to go with Sarah in the aid car."

"No!" James almost shouted as he whipped around to look at Gayle. After a second, he went on with a little more control. "Thanks, but no. Suzanne and I will drive together." He looked at Suzanne again. "We need to talk."

Gayle glanced over at Suzanne. She could not help the concern that came over her. Over the last few months, she had come to care about the young woman her daughter loved. "James..." she started to say but the hard look on his face stopped her. Finally she just said, "I'm here if you need anything, James. We will have Sarah in our thoughts and prayers." Before leaving, Gayle went over to Suzanne and gave her a little pat on the shoulder. There was still no reaction from Suzanne. Sighing, Gayle went out to her car.

"Suzanne, get your coat," her father told her. His voice no longer had any anger in it. It was how dead it sounded that mostly came chillingly through to her. For the first time since he had told her it was her fault, Suzanne reacted to something. Slowly standing up, she went to the back door, grabbed her coat, and then came back. She could hear the siren from the aid car fading off into the distance. Either Gayle or her dad must have told them to go on alone. The house was almost dark with her father illuminated by the porch light as he waited at the open front door. She shuffled past him. After she put on her seatbelt, she leaned her head against the car window. The cool glass felt soothing against her forehead. Closing her eyes, she tried not to start crying again.

"I ruined everything," Suzanne thought to herself repeatedly as her father drove in silence. She wished he would yell at her or just say something, anything to stop the waves of guilt that kept coming; guilt for her mother and guilt for Chloe. After about ten minutes, her father finally spoke. She was surprised that he did not sound angry. His voice instead was full of pain. It hurt her much worse.

"You know what we believe. We've tried to raise you right. How could you do something so wrong? It's an abomination! Is that what you are? An abomination? A sodomite? Have we failed so much that you sin against God?" The anguish in his voice was the last straw. The tears began to flow again from Suzanne's eyes.

"Dad, I'm sorry," Suzanne sobbed. "I..." She trailed off. She didn't know what to say.

"And God is punishing us for your sins. Your mother's collapse ..." He choked up. Finally he got out what he wanted to say. "It's your fault. God's punishment. Even if the hospital can do something, I think this will kill her."

Suzanne closed her eyes. Chloe's face immediately came to her mind. She sobbed harder. "Oh I love her," she thought to herself. "But I can't lose my mom, not after David." Even worse, she didn't think her father could take another loss. After a moment, she realized that in his mind it would be two losses. She would be dead to him too. The grief of losing everything would destroy him. Either way, Suzanne would lose the rest of her family. Once she thought he might have been able eventually to accept her. That hope was gone. It was more than she could take.

"Dad, I promise it will never happen again. I won't give into temptation again," Suzanne said through her sobs. "I will ask for forgiveness for my ... my sin. I'll follow God's words."

"Oh praise the Lord," James whispered. He looked over at her. "Do you really promise, Suzanne?" he asked with hope in his voice. Just like Suzanne, he was tormented by the thought of losing everyone in his life.

Suzanne couldn't look at him, but she nodded. "Yes, I swear to God," she said through her tears.

As much as her father wanted to accept what she said, her unwillingness to look at him was disquieting. "You've broken our trust, Suzanne. You have to rebuild it," he said. It came out harsher than he intended. Still, he did not try to soften it. "You can't see that girl again. Ever. Or even talk to her"

As much as she wanted to stifle them, Suzanne could not help the wracking sobs that came over her. She felt her heart breaking, even though she already knew this was the consequence of her heedlessness. She didn't try to hide the misery in her eyes as she looked at her father. The dim light of the dashboard was more than enough for him to see it.

"I won't. Other than in class, I won't see Chloe anymore, Dad." Suzanne sobbed out. She didn't know how she could do it, but somehow she would keep her promise. It would hurt so much that it would be almost unbearable. She wanted her dad at least to see that reflected on her face.

"Alright," he said. "We will tell your mother that this was the only time. That girl tempted you and you fell." He said it, knowing that Suzanne had been the one fully clothed and lying on the topless Chloe. Even as he said it though, he was already convincing himself that he really didn't see that. It had just been a flash as the girl disentangled.

Suzanne knew how unfair that was. At no point had Chloe ever tried to seduce her. And tonight, she was to blame. Chloe tried to stop her. She had seduced Chloe. Suzanne turned away again. "If I'm going to betray my love, this doesn't make it much worse." Her dad could keep his lie.

After a few minutes, her dad reached into his pocket and got out his handkerchief. Handing it to her, he told Suzanne to blow her nose. They would be at the hospital in a couple more minutes. He didn't want her still crying, although most people would assume it was for her mother.

Once they arrived at the hospital, it was a short walk to the Emergency Room. They were almost there when Suzanne's cellphone went off, letting her know that she had a text. She knew instantly who it was. There were only a few people who texted her. Glancing over at her father, she could see the cloud returning to his face. The reflex to answer was strong but Suzanne resisted it. She just left the phone in her pocket without even looking at it. While her father was talking, she reached in and switched it to silence. Her father had enough on his mind without the repeated reminders of what had happened.

Even though the ambulance had gotten there only a short time before, they were already getting Sarah ready for surgery. The initial test results convinced them that an angioplasty was the minimum they would have to do. Suzanne and her father were directed to the surgical waiting room and told that a doctor would be in to talk to them in a bit.

Suzanne could never forget that night. It seemed like the longest night of her life. The two of them sat in an uncomfortable silence. For the most part, her father did not speak to her. The few times she tried to start a conversation, he would only answer with a word or two. It didn't take too long before Suzanne stopped trying.

Even though she silenced her phone, Suzanne still felt it buzz repeatedly. It had to be Chloe wanting to know how she was. Once again, tears started to leak out of her eyelids, no matter how hard she shut them. Suzanne did her best to hide them from her father. Even knowing that Chloe had to be getting frantic, Suzanne did not respond. She could have when she went to the bathroom, but her promise was still fresh in her mind. She did not even look at the messages. The feeling of betraying Chloe hurt; and she knew it was going to get worse.

Eventually Suzanne dozed off. Her father was still awake when the surgeon came in to let him know what was going on. There had been two blocked arteries and they needed two shunts to deal with them. More concerning was the damage to the heart muscle. For now, she was stable and doing as well as could be expected but they would monitor her to see if anything more was necessary.

James looked over at his daughter. The surgeon was talking softly and had not disturbed her sleep. There was a question James wanted to ask and he didn't want Suzanne overhearing, no matter what the answer was. He took the surgeon's arm and gently moved him even further away from where Suzanne was sleeping.

"Doctor, I need to ask this. My wife had a huge shock this evening. It was something my daughter did. Did that cause this?" James asked in a hushed tone.

The surgeon's eyes darted over to look at Suzanne. Even in her sleep, she had a frown on her face. He could see the tracks where the tears had run down her face. Emphatically shaking his head, he replied. Let me reassure you, Mr. Wilson. Whatever happened with your daughter had nothing to do with your wife's heart attack. In all likelihood, it happened earlier today. It's common for women to just ignore the symptoms. I would be happy to talk with your daughter tomorrow and explain what happened with her mother's heart attack so she will know that she has no responsibility."

"No, that won't be necessary. I'll talk to her myself," James told the surgeon who nodded and patted him on the shoulder.

"That's fine. I would hate for her to feel guilt over something that had nothing to with her," he told Suzanne's father with a little smile. They spoke a little longer and then the doctor left James alone.

It was late enough that James decided there was no point in driving home, only to come back in a couple of hours. He sat down in one of the chairs right next to the couch where Suzanne slept. Despite the hour, sleep was hard to find for James. He thought about what the doctor said. It was true that it was hardly fair for Suzanne to feel responsible for causing this. He felt bad himself for having said that to her earlier. At the same time, James knew that Suzanne's soul was at stake. The love that made him want to reassure his little girl also made him willing to do almost anything to protect that soul.

Was he willing to lie to save her, he wondered. James sighed. Part of what got him through the death of his son was knowing that they would be reunited in the afterlife. The thought of being separated forever from Suzanne was chilling. She was just a child and one that had been misled into sin. Surely Jesus would forgive him for a lie of omission in order for a father to protect his daughter's soul. He didn't have to say anything. What he said earlier, James had truly believed. He just did not have to correct his mistake.

The more he thought about it, the more James knew he was right. It would be painful for Suzanne, but the guilt would help keep her on the path of righteousness. Once he made up his mind, gradually James started to fall asleep. It was a fitful sleep, but at least both of them got some before having to face the next day.

The surgeon's general optimism proved to be true. While there were long-range concerns, Sarah was well enough to go home in a couple of days. For now at least, she did not need any additional surgery. Suzanne did not go to school again until the day after that. For the most part, her classes were preparing for the various AP tests that were coming up. Although it would have been better to be in class, she was doing so well that her teachers did not have any concerns that she would not be able to study on her own.

Suzanne continued to ignore Chloe's attempts to talk to her. As hard as it was to do, she didn't even read the many texts that Chloe had sent. Nor did she listen to any of the voicemails from her. It wasn't until the night before going to back to school that Suzanne did anything. The promise she had made had been absolute; to never talk to Chloe again. Suzanne knew she couldn't obey it to the letter. Chloe deserved at least an explanation. When her parents were occupied with their nightly bible reading, Suzanne took her phone to the bathroom. Sitting down on the end of the tub, she called Gayle's cell number.

"Hi, it's Suzanne. Are you free to talk?" Suzanne said when Gayle answered.

The fact that Suzanne was calling her wasn't lost on Gayle. With a sinking feeling, she told Suzanne that Chloe was doing some homework in her room so she could talk. She was fairly certain that was really Suzanne's question.

"Mrs. Pierce, I'm sorry. I know I'm hurting Chloe by not talking to her. You probably hate me for that," Suzanne said. It was all she could get out before she felt the tears start. She made a shuddering sound as she tried to hold them back.

"Sweetie, I don't hate you. I'm not happy, but it's not at you. You're trying to deal with a terrible situation the best you can," Gayle told her.

"I had to ..." Suzanne started but she couldn't go on. The sobs were too deep. "Oh God!" she moaned.

"It's okay. It's going to be okay," Gayle tried to calm Suzanne down.

"No, it's not," Suzanne managed to say in between her sobs. "I've promised my dad." She broke down crying again.

Gayle waited a little bit, listening to the sobbing girl. Finally, she realized that Suzanne couldn't say the words. They were just too painful. A rising frustration with the injustice of the world swept over her. Narrow mindedness was going to win again. Gayle took a breath and then tried to say what she guessed Suzanne couldn't.

"You promised your father not to see Chloe or even talk to her anymore," Gayle said. As much as she wanted to lash out, she couldn't do it to Suzanne. Eventually Chloe would get over this. Gayle wasn't sure if Suzanne ever would.

"Yeah," Suzanne said through the tears. It was out there now. The tears fell harder but she found she could talk now. She probably was hard to understand between the sobs and the sniffling, but at least she could tell Gayle what she needed to. "I can't even talk to her to explain. That would be breaking my promise. Can you tell her how sorry I am? It's all my fault. I should have listened to her. I'm sorry! Oh God, I'm sorry!"

"Oh Sweetie, it's not. You are young. Consequences never seem real. It was just a mistake. You shouldn't have to pay this amount of a price. Please, let me talk to your parents," Gayle said.

No! I can't do that, Mrs. Pierce. I can't lose them. Not after David! They'll never accept this," Suzanne said with her panic clear. "And my mom can't take it. She's too weak." She broke down again into wracking sobs.

"Okay, okay, Sweetie. I only wanted to help," Gayle told her.

It took Suzanne a few moments to be able to talk. "There's no help for me, Mrs. Pierce. Please just tell Chloe to leave me alone. It will just hurt more for both of us if she tries. I won't talk to her. I won't break my promise."

"I'll tell her," Gayle said, feeling tears of her own forming.

"I love her so much, Mrs. Pierce. I'm sorry that I'm hurting her but I don't see a choice. Oh God, I have to go," Suzanne said and abruptly ended the call. She just collapsed onto the floor and tried to keep her sobs quiet.

Despite her attempt to get Chloe not to talk to her Suzanne discovered Chloe waiting at the entrance to the school in the morning. Even though Suzanne tried to avoid her, it proved impossible. Chloe followed her until Suzanne got to her locker. Then she came up and cornered Suzanne.

"Don't do this, Suzanne. Please don't! We love each other," Chloe said in a low voice. The raw emotion made her words louder to Suzanne than they really were. She felt the tears coming yet again.

Chloe tried again. "We can keep it secret. Nobody will know, not even my mom. Don't walk away. Don't walk away from me!" Her face was pale with a red spot on each cheek. "We can do this," she pleaded.

For a moment, Suzanne didn't respond. Finally she spoke. It was a whisper and Chloe could hardly hear her even though they were next to each other. "I can't. Please Chloe. Please." Suzanne still didn't look at Chloe. Before turning around, Suzanne wiped the tears away and hoped there wouldn't be any more.

"I'm sorry," Suzanne said in the same whisper as she brushed past Chloe. She sensed more than saw Chloe slumping against the locker. There was nothing more in the world Suzanne wanted to do more than to turn around and give Chloe a hug. It took all of her will to keep walking.

The last six weeks of school were the longest ones of Suzanne's life. Even after Chloe stopped trying to talk to her, she still had to see Chloe every day in almost all of her classes. It was impossible to miss the haunted look on her face whenever she looked over at Suzanne.

Graduation was the last time that Suzanne ever saw Chloe. She left the next day to spend the summer with her father. Given the way that she knew Chloe felt about her dad, Suzanne understood how bad things were for her. She wanted to call Gayle and talk about it, but in the end she couldn't bring herself to do it. After having helped Chloe get through the school year only to have her move back to California, Suzanne didn't think that Gayle really wanted to talk to her. "It would just be me being selfish to keep those wounds open," she told herself.

In any case, Suzanne didn't have much time to dwell on things. As one school ended, another began. She had arranged for a summer admission to the University of Washington. Focusing on school would make it easier to ignore all the issues in her life. She felt guilty about leaving home so soon after her mother's heart attack, but at the same time there was relief. Although she felt bound by her promise, any remaining faith in God was completely gone now. Every time she went to church with her parents, the hypocritical feelings were overwhelming. Beyond that, even though she knew that her parents worried about her being in liberal Seattle and backsliding on her promise, it was still easier than feeling their constant watching eyes.

College was far less adventurous for Suzanne than for many. Her focus on school never waned. While she dated and even had a couple of steady boyfriends, she knew that they were only temporary. There was no one for whom her feelings were even close to what she felt for Chloe. Even when she lost her virginity, it wasn't special. As much as anything, Suzanne was just curious what it would be like. Her lack of enthusiasm led to no longer seeing the guy shortly after that. There were only two other guys after that. She went out with Matt for most of her junior and senior years before breaking up with him when she found out he was sleeping with other women. Other than being pissed off at being treated like that, she mostly felt a sense of relief. It was ironic in hindsight, but he had been making noises about getting married before she found out he was sleeping around. At least she didn't have to think about marriage.

And of course, there was Gary in grad school. He had played college ball back East. He had been barely good enough to start on a middling team. Professional ball had never been a possibility for him. But Suzanne also always knew that he would return to the East Coast. Dating him was convenient. They travelled in the same circles. And he was tall. It was simpler to have a go to guy for dates. Neither one of them were invested too much in the relationship. Just how little he was invested was clear when he got engaged six months after they got their Masters. Suzanne wished him well and was glad it wasn't her.

It had not been too hard to keep her promise to her father. There were only a couple of times when she was tempted. Her gaydar improved significantly and she avoided situations where she was alone with women she knew, or at least suspected, were lesbians. But not everything was possible to control. The first time she was tempted was when a lesbian classmate decided that she wanted to try and seduce her straight friend. She was sexy enough that Suzanne found herself flirting back without even realizing it. She caught Suzanne with a surprise kiss when they were at a party. For a second, Suzanne almost gave in. After the guys she had dated, it was the first time since Chloe that she truly was excited. It only lasted a second before her promise came to mind and she backed away. Suzanne gave a good enough impression of being offended that the woman stopped pursuing her.