Coming to Grips Ch. 01

The other time was much more difficult. While in grad school and going out with Greg, Suzanne partnered with another woman on a class project. Keelin was gorgeous. She was tall, although not as tall as Suzanne was. Unlike Suzanne, Keelin had nice curves that seemed perfectly proportioned for her body. Her B-cup breasts were pert and pear-shaped. She had a nicely rounded ass with a narrow waist. Her long red hair was full of natural curls that went wonderfully with her green eyes. The pale skin and freckles completed the picture of a stereotypical Irish woman, which was exactly what she was. As soon as she met Keelin, Suzanne was instantly charmed by her accent.

Fortunately, Keelin was completely straight as far as Suzanne could tell; or perhaps it was unfortunately. Suzanne couldn't make up her mind on that. There were times when Suzanne wished Keelin wasn't straight. It did not take long for her to become completely infatuated with her project partner. Nor did it help that Keelin had a much smaller definition of personal space, typical of a European. She would often stand behind Suzanne, bent over slightly to look over Suzanne's shoulder. The brush of her soft hair against Suzanne's neck and cheek was a constant reminder that inflamed Suzanne's lust. Keelin's perfume was always there too. It was only the lightest scent, but it combined a delicate citrus smell with a little bit of spice. Suzanne occasionally shut her eyes in those moments and just drank in the feeling of Keelin next to her.

When Keelin started to invade her sleep in erotic dreams, Suzanne knew she was in trouble. Her promise to her father didn't have power over her dreams or her fantasies. Despite living a completely straight life, it was women Suzanne thought about when she wanted to get excited. Whether it was with Greg or by herself, Suzanne would picture what she wished she was free to do. Or she would think back on what she and Chloe had done; only her fantasies never included Chloe. The guilt of how she treated Chloe made that impossible.

Keelin now became the object of those fantasies. Still those were under Suzanne's control. The dreams were not. What was the most disturbing to Suzanne was not the sex. It was that the dreams were about being in a loving relationship. She and Keelin would always be doing things together and the dream would slowly build until they were making love. Even more frustrating was that Suzanne always woke before climaxing. She would wake completely excited but when the memory of being a relationship hit, Suzanne would feel the pressure of her promise. The excitement would just fade away.

In any case, Keelin came from a small town in the South of Ireland. Getting her degree at the University of Limerick had expanded her horizons a little, but Limerick still was a small city compared to Seattle. Being in Seattle was a huge eye opener for her, especially the openly gay couples. Until she met Keelin, Suzanne had no idea that homosexual behavior was only legalized in Ireland in the 90's. While there was a burgeoning gay culture in Dublin, for the most part the rest of the country was still conservative and not always friendly to gays and lesbians.

One night when they were out for beers after finishing studying, Keelin noticed two women kissing at the bar. While she didn't turn away in disgust, she couldn't help commenting to Suzanne how it made her uncomfortable. There was an awkward pause while Suzanne figured out what to say. Finally, she just told Keelin that she was much more used to it after living in Seattle for years now. "I barely even notice anymore," she said with a little smile. It was the one thing that helped her to avoid the temptation to act on what she felt. Suzanne knew that Keelin wouldn't welcome it. It was just a good thing that Keelin never touched Suzanne when they were standing close. Suzanne's heart was always racing and her body trembling. She always worried that they would give her away.

When that semester was over, Suzanne sighed with relief. It was just too hard. It wasn't any better when she and Greg went out with Keelin when her boyfriend Niall was visiting right before the break. She found herself getting little flashes of jealousy when Niall would give Keelin a kiss. Suzanne was glad that they would not have any classes together when school started back up.

Since graduation, there hadn't been much time for dating or even infatuation. Suzanne routinely worked 12 hour days, plus at least part of one day every weekend. In many ways, she welcomed the intensity that the startup demanded. It made it easier to avoid questioning things. It was also a ready-made excuse when her parents asked her to come home for the weekend.

Now as she looked out the window of her office, Suzanne sighed. "I'm not really any happier now than I was back in high school," she thought. "It used to be enough to not be unhappy. I wonder if it still is." She couldn't help thinking about Chloe and what might have been. Even now, she still had not ever reached out to her. Her feelings of guilt over abandoning Chloe were as intense as ever.

When she felt a little tear force its way out and run down her face, Suzanne sniffed hard and angrily wiped it away. She hated when she started to feel sorry for herself. Picking up the report from her lap, she focused her attention back on it, pushing all other thoughts out of her mind. Even if it took until late tonight, she would get the presentation summarizing it done. It wasn't like she had anything else to do.