All Comments on 'Complications Ch. 01'

A love triangle would be good if its well thought out. Also, It would be a good idea to flesh out Jennifer's reasons for acting the way she did.

All in all, a good start with allot of potential.

Lets see what your sister will teach you about sex, and then how you can practice what you have learned, with Athena, when she comes back to your house for some band practice.

A good start since its your first story now all u need is to develope your characters bringing out their hidden agendas.stick with the love triangle plot,if u get ip right your story could become legendary

...it'll be a live quadrilateral, because Jennie is probably fucking dad already.

Not a bad beginning.

Good luck.

so for no reason at all his sister just walks in and lays one n him? plus why did Athena just show up at his house for dinner? you have left so many needed details out

Ignore the comment about rubbish below. This is an excellent start, and while it is a bit stream of conciousness style and could do with a slightly clearer narrative, the dialogue is excellent, the storyline is fine, the characters are good. Keep it up please!

Liked the general feel of the beginning - has possibilities. Could Toby and Athena be related? Cousins? Might lead to some 4-way? Who knows?

I could feel much of the pain and confusion that Toby was experienceing from my earlier youth. No twin sister to teach me; but an interesting beginning to a potentially intrigueing story with developements. Continue please. Thank you.

I rarely ever give a story 5 stars but that's what you got. It's a pretty good start. I like the way you are going slow and not rushing thing between Toby, his sister and Athena. I hope you continue this way and don't rush the rest of the story. To many writers start out good but then ends up ruining it by either rushing it or adding to many people in the mix. So I hope you stay on course with it being between Toby, his sister and Athena only. Looking forward to reading the next chapters.

Keep it going.

first i'd love you to go with thresome

a bit of feedback and a few small of criticisms

you should of explained why the Schwartz ladies come over for dinner(and you didn't know about it, but sis did make no sense) how your family know them(why would your dad & sis go to movie ,instead of being there)

and if their over for dinner why the fuck would your mom say you can go upstairs and eat,(maybe if she said both you and Athena go up to your and eat,me and mrs Schwartz got things to discuss,might be a bit more understandable) and WTF was this paragraph about

(I turned to the door and saw Athena with her own food. I was nearly speechless. Not because she was standing there, but mostly because I was chewing on steak.)

there are a few more things to say but i think you get the gist of it,

but will say 2 more things sis comes on to you kisses you and goes to sleep WTF

the 2nd hope you take it how its meant,as a critic to make your story better & you a better writer & i hope you keep writing this story(cause think the premise is great & bar a few holes in it your writing is pretty good)

Thanks for the feedback everyone. At the moment, I'm nearly done with the second chapter and I'll be posting that sometime tomorrow. From the comments below, I've gotten helpful critiques and very nice comments.

Stay with me folks, nearing the next chapter. I'll update MUCH more often after this one. THanks.

I got an Edited version of this coming in to make this Complications Ch. 01 and, yes, I submitted the next chapter about a day ago. Waiting for submission.

Honest characters, interesting theme. Waiting for more...

Attend to the last paragraph. The whole story was Jeff first person, and that last para was third person. Also insert some back story. Everything is happening all at once.