Crystal Clear Ch. 29

I blushed and thought I'd better keep my mouth shut.

Claire broke into sobs and threw herself into my open arms and lap. I stroked her gorgeous red hair, combing the tresses with my fingertips, and trying to allow her to work things out in her head and not making the decision for her – not even biasing her. I said a few calming words and held her tightly.

I felt flattered by her response, almost embarrassed. I've never thought of myself as that special to anyone other than Karen – my late wife, Crystal, Ellen, and Claire – each of whom I'd had deep and serious discussions with about love, relationships, and how we each felt about the other. I even muttered some of that effect to Claire; "I'm not that special. Joe's special; look at what he's done with his life and the influence he has in the world." She either didn't hear or ignored my comment.

Crystal appeared at my knees with several tissues. Where do women suddenly materialize Kleenex from – dark matter? She whispered words I couldn't make out into Claire's ear and stroked her back. Ellen was there too, and then Nadia and PJ. Even Terry and Dan came and sat beside us so they could be present for her.

After the tears stopped, Claire just lay with her eyes closed and her head in my lap. Sometimes a teary spasm would rack her body, and a few salty drops would roll out of her eyes and down her cheeks onto my jeans; or she'd heave a huge sigh as though the weight of the world was on her shoulders.

Eventually, I picked up Claire, nestling her head into my shoulder. The others created a pathway, and I carried her into the master bedroom. The room was almost dark from the room darkening shades and the late afternoon hour. I lay Claire on the bed, and pulled her into my arms so I could kiss her over and over again as I surrounded her with my love.

"Claire, I love you, dearly. I want you in my life now and for always. You bring out things in me I didn't know were there to find. You have a knack of making a cloudy day sunny. I feel myself strong except with a few people, and you are one of my great weaknesses. Saying I love you doesn't seem adequate to the occasion – three simple words, but I take them so seriously. I know you worry about how I see you and your past; I love that you had that past because it made you who you are today – it brought us together. It gives you perspective on everyone around you that is unique and valuable to all of us. We all need you. We all love you, and I especially love you."

Claire sobbed out, "But I want to be perfect for you, and I'm not."

"Oh, Baby, Baby, Baby." Now, I started to cry too. "I don't expect you to be perfect – not one of us does. I just expect you to be you. Not one of us is perfect in this whole house – in this whole world, and I probably have the biggest list of insecurities and faults of any of us. Don't hold yourself to a standard you can't ever meet. I catch myself doing that, and I guess being a little older I've learned to say, 'Hey, Universe, stuff it! I'm doing the best I know how to do – take it or leave it.' That's all any of us can do."

Claire snuffled and nodded her head against my shoulder.

I added, "And, Claire, know that I love you not despite your faults but because of your faults; the same with the others. I don't know whether I could love a perfect person. I doubt anybody could, because in one's own eyes we'd then never measure up. We'd always feel inadequate, and that's not a way to live. I love you. I love you just the way you are, and the way you'll grow to be tomorrow. I love you anyway you are, so long as you're near me often."

I cradled Claire in my arms tighter and kissed the side of her head.

We stayed quietly in the dark for a long time, and then I could tell she'd fallen asleep. I pulled a light spread up over her and put her head on a pillow. She remained asleep, so I tiptoed out of the room.

Crystal, Ellen, PJ, and Nadia had been listening at the door. Each of them had tears running down their cheeks.

Crystal hugged me and whispered, "Jim, you are so special. We each know you feel that way about us." She grabbed ahold of my arm and led me to the dining room, where Nadia's light dinner awaited us.

We were a pretty quiet group as we ate. One of the people we loved hurt inside. I felt Claire's pain, but as I looked at the others I realized that if any of us had some problem or inner turmoil, it would be felt by all of us. The nice part was that we were also there to share each other's joys and triumphs. We were family – an intentional family, and we talked to each other about the good, the bad, and the ugly. At least, I thought we did.

To be continued