All Comments on 'Detention'

To quote your last line, ?this is going to be good? and hope there will be chapter 2 coming soon.

...until I got to the bit I'll quote below (so for the first quarter of the story), I was thinking, "this is the definitive story of it's kind." ie. 'Girl gets in trouble with teacher at school', type story. Yep, 'definitive'. One of the best I've read. It was going so well! Patient. Unhurried. Plausible. Real.

And then you lost me. I'm gonna have a stab here and say, I bet you had some writer's block and just said, "stuff it", and wrote what you did and said, "to hell with it."

I think you lost your patience and wanted things to start happening. Anyway... for what it's worth, this was where you 'lost' me:

"I think you have. I think you have been looking at pictures of cocks and pussies and assholes and touching yourself."

I emphasize the words; cocks, pussies and assholes, for effect. It seems to work.

You looking wildly back at me. Blue eyes wide. Breath shallow. You stammer.

"No...No...it's not mine...I, err..."

"Don't lie. You are in deep trouble as it is. I know what you have been doing. And I'll bet your exam result there's evidence in your panties to prove it."

I turn the screw.

"Stand up and bend over. I'm going to inspect your panties. If there is a wet spot it's all over isn't it? I said, isn't it?!"

I just wish you could rewrite it. She goes from, "Oh, my God, I've been caught!" to having her panties inspected in record time.

From there, it just goes a little downhill. It seemed like you had something to say, then you stopped yourself. Like you wanted it to be sexier and you reverted to a formula.

Next time, consider taking a little longer to allow things to develop at their own pace. Be patient.

Don't be disappointed. This is a great first-up effort.

I look forward to more.

SN

I really enjoyed your story. I was disappointed that there was not a second chapter. I would definitly read it if it was. You should consider a continuation

....this was great! Oh my god, I fucking loved it!!!!

Please write a sequel! Please!!!

~A Fan