Eleanor Rigby: Choices and Consequences

Ellie became ill at that news and ran to the bathroom, loosing what little bit of last night's dinner she had eaten into the toilet. Ted followed behind and made two cold compresses out of rags to help Ellie recover. Laying one on her neck he gently wiped her face and rinsed the rag then remade the compress for her head when she sat up.

She sat with her back against the tub, "How can you stand the sight of me, or even touch me. I've been a whore for an egocentric ass, all because of what used to be."

Ted looked down at Ellie and squatted to look her eyes to eye, "I can look at you or touch you because deep inside under all the pain I still love you." Turning his head to the side Ellie saw a few tears trickle down his handsome cheek. Before she could say anything Ted looked back at her and continued, "What did you mean you did all of this with Dan because of what used to be?"

Ellie replied, "When Dan and I first met at the first fundraiser event, we both discussed the present. His recent divorce, his new job what's it was like to move back to his home town. I was always talking about you and the girls and of course my charitable events, so the present held no bonds. Yes he was still good looking, but so are you."

Taking in a deep breath she continued, "But starting with the next meeting he began to revisit the past. The past when I was younger and had life ahead of me, when being the focus of all the guys fantasies and all the girls fears. Oh, I didn't let anyone know I liked that, but my ego loved it. You were still my buddy who lived across the street. I wanted to remember some of that, some of those things we all give up as we get older. The things of your youth the endless flirting and the feelings of being sought after, learning about life and love and heartbreak, but it was just that, a fond memory. I didn't think anything of it as I knew as an adult woman I could handle Mr. Wilkins.

Then he started calling first once then twice; up to three times a day. Every call was about the fundraiser, then it would quickly deteriorate into chit-chat then personal interaction. Towards the end he even called here when you were home and I would try my best to keep my self isolated from you so you couldn't hear me talking to him.

Suddenly it was like Dan and I were back in high school I would sneak around behind my parents' back to be with him. Suddenly I started downing those same kinds of things to you that I done years ago behind my parents back. I knew I should go home after our three or four meetings for the fundraiser each week. But instead I allowed Dan to talk me into going go out to eat afterwards.

Honestly looking back I wasn't making him do a lot of convincing to get me to go. We would always demand a booth in the back preferable in a corner with subdued lighting and hold hands and talk for hours. It was exactly like we used to do in high school." Shaking her head and taking a deep breath then exhaling forcibly Ted could see this was as hard on Ellie to tell him as it was on him to hear.

Ted nodded and Ellie continued, "About ten days before the accident I kissed him one night and in a matter of minutes we were in the back of his car involved in some heavy petting. I didn't let him have sex with me. But I was so confused, guilty, angry and turned on. When I got home I was so glad you were already in bed. I couldn't have held it together had you asked me anything that night.

I also know I basically cut you off from that point on, but not for Dan. I was afraid of what almost to happen and didn't feel at all sexy towards you. I had cheated, maybe not in the letter of the law but in spirit and I felt my touching you was cheapening you. I also felt a bit dirty and didn't want to face your anger. So instead of telling you at the time I wasn't even thinking of doing, I hid from you. I took away all interaction with you emotional and physical even what I had promised only you.

The next night at the meeting our interaction was strained and after it finished I headed to my car to leave. He caught me as I unlocked the door, I told him to leave me alone and last night was a mistake.

He looked at me and threw out his bullshit line of, 'it hadn't been a mistake to him' and how he wished he had never let me go. The he must have understood I was teetering on the line and took me into his arms and kissed me long and deep and I responded, god help me I responded.

Ted I know it's a big jump going from leaving the meeting to be go home to my husband. Who I knew needed my attention and support as badly as I did his. To the next thing I know Dan and I are in the community center office on the couch and having sex twice that night, but that's what happened."

Ellie watched Ted wince as she told him of her infidelity, but she had to tell him all of it and he needed to know things. "Ted we had sex on three different occasions and the third time you walked in on us.

It was my worst nightmare, like my senior year when Dan and I were caught having sex when my parents came home unexpectedly. I still remember my utter shame as the light in my room suddenly came on. I can still see my mom and dad standing in the doorway to my room staring is shocked disgust at the scene before them. I was so humiliated I couldn't speak to either of them for weeks afterwards. Moments after the lights came on dad moved quickly to the side of my bed and grabbed Dan by the balls pulling him out and off of me.

For the first time in his life Dan Wilkins had met his match. It was all over in three punches. Busted ribs, broken nose and broken jaw, I didn't see Dan again until the day he left for college nine weeks later. He took one look at me and ran the opposite direction; I knew I was out of his life at that point. I didn't know until later Daddy had told Dan if he ever came near me again it would be worse for him.

When you busted in the door it was my room all over only so much worse, I have never felt so cheap and dirty in my life as I did in those first few seconds I saw you there. I knew Dan was a dead man, but instead you turned away and left. After Dan's comments and Helen's we were dressed and out the door after you in a matter of moments. The only thing I could think about was what I had done, how I had betrayed you and put our relationship in horrible danger. It's easy to see things clearly looking back on them. I knew you warned me and I even told you I understood your fears about Dan, then ignored them. Everything from the time the car plunged into the flooded stream and Dan and I scrambling to get out of the window till I woke up in the hospital is very blurry."

Ellie hung her head, "Now you know everything Ted. Please tell me I haven't lost you forever, that there is still a chance."

I didn't want to hear what Ellie said, and frankly I was more concerned with my emotions becoming volatile. I was also surprised at what Ellie had disclosed about her father and mother finding Dan and Ellie in bed together after her senior year. I didn't know anything about that incident and I had known her most of my life. Not that it mattered to me at the moment.

"Ellie since the day I started going out with you as an exclusive couple I have had a complex that I wasn't good enough for you. That someone someday would come along and take you from me. The day finally arrived because for the past month while you were flirting and screwing Mr. Wilkins you left me and didn't love me in any way as you should have. You weren't loving me the way you had for the last 16 years of our marriage and the two years we were dating prior to that.

Now you say you love me, but to my way of thinking it's only second best. I am the leftovers after shit for brains showed his true colors. Only then was my love good enough. Very much "Oh well nothing better is being offered so I might as well take you". I know I gave you my best, everything I had. But now I'm not sure what I ever really got from you. As I said to you already, I 'm not sure you are good enough for me. I have a lot of thinking to do."

Ellie didn't move, she replied, "You are right Ted. During that past month I wasn't loving you. I allowed my own issues from the past to turn my head from you. But you're wrong Ted so very wrong. I loved you with my heart soul and mind before the affair, and, when I woke up from my foolishness, I realized how deeply I love you now. I am also acutely aware of just how much I could lose. How much we all could lose.

Please remember as you sort this out, I do love you my husband and I am willing to do almost anything for us to work this out and gain your forgiveness and trust again."

I stood and helped Ellie stand, "I'll think about it Ellie, I promise."

I was very cold and introspective at the next two counseling sessions and Dr. Jones asked me to do something for her. I was to list the things that made me fall in love with Ellie. The following week she had me list what I thought were the things that made her fall in love with me.

I also found out that during this time a jealous husband of yet another woman Dan had been having sex with called Dan's bluff. The betrayed husband went to Dan's new office and made a simple threat of a lawsuit if the morality clause of Mr. Wilkins contract wasn't immediately applied.

Dan Wilkins found himself without a job, having no friends in town due to at least three affairs in which he managed to become embroiled in just over twelve weeks back. He was also being branded a coward for his actions or more to the point his inactions with Ellie the night the stream flooded and the bridge washed out.

I was not sorry to hear about Dan's troubles, but soon after Mr. Wilkins left town I noticed that my Father-in-Law had two fingers on his right hand splinted, broken in an unspecified accident. This coupled with rumors that Dan left town after a four day hospital stay had peaked Ted's curiosity. Coincidentally, all this happened about a week after Ellie told her dad and mom what had happened between her and Dan.

Dan had left town after apparently being mugged and beaten severely, according to police reports there were five or six men involved. Strangely enough nothing of value was taken from Mr. Wilkins.

I talked to my father-in-law a few days later. All Ellie's dad would say was, "You proved your love and devotion to my daughter and your family the night of the accident. Dan Wilkins tried to play games with Ellie in high school and I settled an old score. All you need to understand is I carried through on a long standing promise I made a many years ago to the conceited ass."

I thanked my father-in-law, knowing the subject was now closed and never to be broached again. With Mr. Wilkins out of the picture I was able to focus on my still unsettled relationship with my wife.

The counseling sessions were making some head way and I could accept I still loved Ellie and even vaguely desired her. My major issue was trust, and I was still having a huge problem with that four months after the accident.

Then one day I was given some major reassurance. I came home early one afternoon and as I walked in the house I heard all three of the girls talking in the kitchen. Audrey said, "Mom I'm proud of you. When Mrs. Drake called you earlier you just shut her down cold. It was so cool. I mean 'talk to the hand' and everything.

Jen chimed in, "Mom I know this is tough but Dad's got to see you are really truly sorry. I just know he's gotta take you back. He's just gotta."

Ellie let out a deep breath and with tears in her voice said, "What if he doesn't? Then what do I do."

Jen's voice had a strong edge to it as she replied, "If he doesn't get it through his rock hard head pretty soon he will be very sorry when Audrey and I get done with him."

I moved into the doorway between the Kitchen and the back porch and the movement caught Jen's eyes. She looked me straight in the eyes as she said her piece. She had a hardened look of a determined women etched on her face. I realized in that moment I had a young lady who was well on her way to becoming a woman looking at me. Even though I wasn't sure what they had planned I didn't doubt her for a second.

Her chin up and her pride ruling her body language and attitude she looked at me and asked, "Any questions Dad?"

Audrey and Ellie turned in their seats quickly to face me. I suddenly felt like I had done something wrong. I mumbled out, "I believe you Jen and you too Audrey."

I looked at Ellie, "I guess it's time we went to see my counselor together don't you think wife." My tone was different the word 'wife' had a strong endearing tenor with it not cold as it had been for the past weeks. I could see from Ellie's small smile she had picked up on it.

"I'd love the chance Ted, I really would, like I said, anything to get the chance to love you again Ted." Her eyes misting over she fell silent.

"Did you really tell Helen that today?"

Nodding she said, "Yes?"

"Girls I need to talk to your mother alone please."

Both girls kissed their mom then me and left the room.

I looked at Ellie she appeared to have aged over the past four months and the youthful beauty that had always been her trademark seemed to be fading away. It was as if the whole sordid affair and its aftermath had broken her spirit and her beauty with it. Lines and wrinkles that had formerly been barely noticeable were suddenly very prominent. Her eyes seemed to be deep set and there were dark blotches under both of them.

I leaned down and kissed my wife on the lips, my stomach didn't do the flip flop it had previously been doing when I touched her in a remotely sexual way. I wasn't ready to have sex or especially make love to her yet, but it was a start. She sat back a bit surprised, but her smile was genuine and heart warming. "Ellie, I was coming home today to tell you I made a decision at the counselor's today."

"Yes!" She said, her whole demeanor changed as she sat back rigidly bracing herself, obviously waiting for some bad news.

I sat down next to her at the table, "I stopped by my lawyer's office after the counseling session today." I paused and could see the tears in her eyes. "I cancelled the divorce proceedings; I want to give us a second chance. That is if you're still willing?"

Almost jumping out of her chair she threw her arms around me and cried, "Oh God yes Ted, that's all I've prayed for all these months, you won't be sorry and I will never give you any reason to doubt me ever."

Looking down at her as she knelt next to him Ted continued. "The counselor talked to me today. She explained that the hardest part of getting over this whole mess was my own built in expectations that you would someday leave me for someone better. It wasn't a fantasy or an imaginary issue to me. It was very real and whether you understand it or not, you fulfilled it to its worst possible conclusion.

She said you took a very normal desire that many people have, to have yourself transported back in time, younger, in perfect physical condition, when everything was new, exciting and fun. Coupled with the fact that you probably never got over your hero worship of Mr. Dan Wilkins, who also happened to be a very important first for you.

She explained many sports stars or political figures go through withdrawal at the end of their careers as the spotlight of fame passes them by. It would be very similar for you as you never really had an ending to your relationship with Dan, just a disconnection and that caused by your father. Suddenly you were back to over 20 years ago, and things were like they were then. It was a time bomb waiting to go off.

None of what I just told you let's you off the hook in the least for your own purposeful betrayal of me and our marriage vows. You purposefully chose to betray me, to break your promise to forsake all others. Although I am reasonably sure you are genuinely sorry and repentant over the whole issue. There still are major hurdles for us to overcome and it won't happen without professional help."

Looking into her face I saw a little flicker of hope and a whole lot of love reflected in my wife's eyes. She nodded her understanding then held me tight.

Ellie replied, "Ted my heart is singing, after four long months of bitter tears and heartbreak. You've given me the chance that I've hoped for so desperately. Both our moms told me if you could see yourself clear to offer me a chance it would be after a lot of soul searching.

Now here you are my love and life, asking me to try and repair the damage I have done to us." She just whispered, "Thank You. When is the soonest we can get some counseling together as a couple?"

I smiled, "Our first session can be tomorrow afternoon with Dr. Jones, is that Ok?"

"Perfect Ted, that will be perfect, I won't screw this up again if you can just allow me the chance to prove that to you." Her voice cracked as the emotional overload washed over her like a flood.

I held Ellie to me; I had done nothing to cause this mess. I had even tried to prevent it. I knew my own issues hadn't led to Ellie's betrayal, but I felt I still owed it to myself to fight for her, for us. However when Dr. Jones told me today, I had been less than honest with my own feelings possibly even holding back part of my own love and emotional commitment while I was waiting for 'The other shoe to drop.' She told me no one could love another unconditionally with that kind of fear constantly running through their mind.

After thinking through everything the doctor told me, I knew I couldn't just walk away without giving our marriage my absolute best attempt to save it. As I sat with Ellie on my lap I felt two more sets of arms circle around both of us. The girls had rejoined us. As a person or even a couple we might not survive. But as a family with everyone working as one. Well Ellie and I might make it after all. I knew I wasn't going to allow our relationship die without a hell of a fight.

Kissing my three ladies I whispered, "Go get changed we're going out to eat as a family."

Jen looked at her mom and I, a new joy sprung up in her heart you could see it in her smile. "Mom, Dad, we love you both and welcome home."

Audrey smiled and nodded, adding, "Yeah, welcome home and hurry up you guys, I'm almost starved to death."

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