by scardrey
You need to get an editor!
The storyline has promise, but your storytelliing and grammar could use some work. The dialogue and style of prose is rather confusing and I found I had to read it a few times to understand what was going on.
An editor helps you to iron out the bumps. You may know what you are saying, but we don't.
Keep the story coming- it definitely has promise, but I would enlist an Editor IMHO :)
Goodluck!