Everyone Should Get Divorced Once

Some time ago I got a divorce from a particularly spiteful and malicious witch. Like most everyone, I went through a great amount of pain and suffering at the time. Eleven years after that one-sided contest though, I have significantly changed my attitude toward the hallowed institution of divorce. I now feel going through the "big D" prepared me for a measurably more productive life. It taught me elementary principles no less important than not kicking pit bulls or kissing rattle snakes. Even though I soloed through my divorce with little help and no idea of what was in store, it cost me plenty. It will cost you too if you are foolish enough to try this without some preparation. Without a thorough understanding of what will be happening, your chances of success are about as good as traipsing barefoot through a cactus patch without a scratch. However, if you prepare yourself well before hand, you'll come through your divorce a winner; learning things you can discover nowhere else. Why, where else could you compile such a thorough list of personal faults (with a bevy of suggested solutions, mind you), so accurately define every trait to avoid in your next wife, get such a sweeping education in poverty economics (definitely downside), and become (through necessity) an authority in every type of relaxation and meditation technique known to man? That's right - DIVORCE!

Remember the shy, bashful young girl with stars in her eyes who could only giggle at the mere sound of your manly voice? How many times did she tell you how perfect you were (when you could even get her to talk)? Those days are over, Bub. Now that the little princess has seen her lawyer, you couldn't stop her talking with a choke chain. And, her list of your faults could now fill an encyclopedia. You'll be amazed at how the helpless, naive sounding little voice she uses in the courtroom turns into something akin to a chain saw on a blackboard when she talks to you outside the chamber doors. Now is precisely the time to start using your new found knowledge my friend. While she's vulnerable and venting the years of accumulated poison in her guts, say very calmly, "I can't understand what I did wrong!"

Your best "little-boy-humble" look would not be out of place here. Then stand back and prepare yourself for a verbal avalanche of filth and obscenity the likes of which haven't been heard since the last Andrew Dice Clay concert. It will absolutely astonish you. But, no matter how tempted you may be - DON'T GRIN OR SMIRK HERE - or she could get seriously violent! One of two events will now happen if you're lucky. By the time she has finished her tirade the Judge will have ruled in your case and it will have cost you significantly less money, or she'll be unable to turn off that stream of abuse she's been saving for years when she goes back in the courtroom. The judge will then see what a really vindictive little shrew she is. Either way, you will win. Whatever you do, don't let her foul oration, as brutal as it may have seemed, go to waste. Your next marriage can only be better for the valuable insight you've just gained from your "EX" in her moment of weakness. Women don't expose this side of their personality very often and this is a rare opportunity to see into the opponent's mind.

When you started on the road to pick some pretty thing as your mate, Nature did not exactly equip you for success. Although she gave you a brain, it was unfortunately swimming in a sea of hormones (not an optimum state for selecting someone compatible with your PERSONALITY). Let's face it, you did not start out with exactly noble intentions when you asked this woman to get married either. In fact, marrying this woman had only one meaning to your recently post-pubescent mind at the time - SEX. The mind probing questions and subtle merging of personalities that should have happened kind of took a back seat to another kind of probing and merging. Of course, knowing now what this will probably cost, you have probably considered celibacy as a conceivable alternative (well, almost!). Now, in the smoldering embers of the testosterone forest fires, is precisely the time you need to examine this woman in detail with a calm, clear mind. You will see something you did not think existed until this very moment - a woman with whom you would turn down sex. Considering how this relationship started, that is a major accomplishment, don't you think? The last person you want to have sex with is now in front of you and embodies every trait you don't want in your next wife. Don't waste this valuable information. Burn her every feature and nuance into your beleaguered mind or you will never be able to avoid her type in the future. She may not be what you want, but if you're smart you can use her to avoid what you hate.

This is also the darling girlfriend who couldn't stand to have you spend an additional ten cents for extra chocolate in her milk shake while you were dating. She is now a woman who, if it were filled with your money, could suck a swamp dry with a soda straw. You should have gotten a hint that your marriage was in trouble when she started flexing her powers of deficit spending. My ex had some binges that would positively make congressmen look like tightwads. This same woman who supposedly couldn't remember to fill the tank with gas can now recite all of my credit card numbers from memory. There is unfortunately no defense for this. Don't even think of confronting her with it even though she still reminds you regularly about the extra dollar you tipped that blonde waitress five years ago. You can only make it worse. It's just one of the unavoidable costs of divorce that you must bear. It's been scientifically proven that if you just keep your mouth shut and take it like a man (Ouch!), it will cost you less in the end. (I'm convinced the scientist was a woman, though).

Speaking of declining finances, you can now forget golf, tennis, sailing, fishing, and anything even remotely costing a dime. All of those manly activities that used to be available to relieve the stress built up from work are definitely out. Remember the "our money" period, which became the "your money and my money" period, and how that later degraded into the "her money and her money" era. If it hasn't dawned on you yet, there isn't anything left for you! The only things you'll be able to afford now are those free meditation seminars and relaxation courses at your community mental health center. I know, you probably think there are nothing but old geezers and weirdo's at those meetings. After a while though you'll break down and be willing to do anything to get out of the house. Don't be surprised when you find a hundred other guys in the same shape as you at every one of these events you attend. You'll be able to get a great deal of relief from just listening to all the individual "war stories" like your own. Even more amazing is the fact that some of those relaxation and meditation techniques really work! One of my favorites is one where I close my eyes and picture my ex-wife's face while taking a deep breath. I then slowly, ever so slowly, count backward from: . . . 10.. 9 .. 8 .. 7 .. 6 .. 5 .. 4 .. 3 .. 2 .. 1 .. . . . . . . . . . only then imagining very slowly . . . . . pulling . . . . the . . . . trigger. The relaxation is instantaneous!

As dismal as all of this may seem, don't get discouraged. Scores of us have weathered it before you. We have without fail corrected faults, avoided entrapment by new witches of the same ilk, survived on allowances found only in Charles Dickens novels, and formed alliances with other battle-scarred veterans in the war of the sexes. All of us have come through it better men, our training "in the field" making us better at dealing with life. This is why we propose that everyone get divorced at least once. Our goal of more stringent divorce laws seeks only to share those sacred lessons garnered through the suffering of our brethren. Our arguments are based in somber reality. Join us and take advantage of our experiences. We need your help in our grass root's campaign for a national law mandating the end to all first marriages after five years. Our goal is to prevent anyone from slipping through the system without having the special opportunity of sharing in these life enhancing experiences. Help us stop meager attempts to avoid this litigation tango. Feeble claims of "I'm happily married" can be no excuse. Join the crusade to make remaining cheerfully wed a crime!