All Comments on 'F5: Invasion of the Orcs'

On its own it seems incomplete, although it's a nice set up for more.

I had a lot of trouble following this story and spent portions of it confused and reading back to try to figure out what was going on. Perhaps it was a personal failing, as I am rather tired. Your descriptions are excellent and I find the subject matter interesting, but the transitions shook me again and again. I haven't voted yet. I'm going to go have some coffee, take a break, and then see if I can't tackle this again.

This seemed like the beginning of something bigger. I enjoyed it though.

[[When her father opened the door, she gave him a little wave from the couch, "Hey Dad! Long time no see!"

He gave her a tired smile and walked over to the hallway table to deposit his wallet and keys. "Hey, how are you holding up?"

"Well...a little jumpy," she admitted, "but I'll be okay I think. Doesn't look like things are going well are they?"

"No, no they aren't. Don't think we'll be keeping things up and going like this too much further."]]

Wow, they're taking this whole End of the World thing pretty casually, aren't they? I would characterize this reaction as "Bothered, but not yet quite upset." Where is the freaking out they ought to be doing? Where is the panicked relief at seeing each other again even after just a brief separation? "Hey Dad, long time no see," really, is that it?

I hate to leave such non-constructive feedback, but I honestly don't know what to make of this story at all, so it's hard for me to gauge how it can better achieve its goals. Certain basic things elude me. Why are they orcs, for example? I mean, I guess it works just as well as any other type of monster, but that just poses the question again, doesn't it? I don't know, let's see what everyone else thinks. Perhaps a different audience will have better insight to share.

You seem to know your outdoors stuff, I'll give you that. But I missed the threat Laura obviously felt. You spent an inordinate amount of time having Laura pack, maintain and re-pack her survival gear, but not enough time building up the invaders' scariness. And when the sphere came down somewhere in her neighborhood, SHE may have panicked, but I wasn't moved. Did anyone come after her? Had she been in any real danger? To me, the whole night flight read more like a cub scout night trek than a breathless, narrow escape from certain death. With a search party hot on her heels, light beams cutting through the drizzle, ominous, unearthly noises or orcs barking commands at each other in the distance, maybe a jump scare by a fellow fugitive or the like, but it was too quiet, to calm and too much fixated on her camp hygiene.

I think there would have been more urgency in a situation like this. That being said, interesting first chapter of a longer story to be written.

The right stuff was there to raise my interest. The invasion, a survival story, sexual struggles within. I could see it, but the story seemed a bit out of focus.

I liked the concept, and that the opening line took you to packing for survival. The little bit about the stuff happening on the news had me tuning in. The choice of "orcs" was pretty nice. Seems like if green looking dudes with black oily hair stepped out, I'd probably think "huh, its like an orc." Then when he vaporized that mayor I woulda been flipping shit.

Right there. That's what I personally would have liked to see you focus on. The awe and the terror in that moment? Bam, set that tone for the story. Because from there it kinda fell off for me. It drifted out of focus. I felt like a lot of the time I was reading sbout Laura packing or calmly going about a survival technique. She seemed so calm, so in control. To me, she seemed incredibly well prepared for this invasion, which is cool, but I felt no panic from her. I felt no fear or worry concerning her father. They were so casual about the shocking invasion on the news. I felt like they should have been losing their minds, even if they were good preppers.

When she fled her house, I felt little urgency. When she was walking alone and bathing, it seemed so mundane. When she at last found her father, I actually had forgotten about him, because I didn't feel her worry during her solitude in the woods. Where was he? Was he okay? Would she ever see him again? The only thing that made me feel any of these things with Laura was the memory of that live news event when the sphere opened.

That was a gripping little moment. I wanted to feel that shock and terror from Laura throughout the story. So it was in all, a great concept with a pretty promising start, but I feel the focus was too much on survival gear instead of the heart pounding invasion, and too calm in the wake of impending doom. Keep FAWCing going though, as others have mentioned, this could be the start of something cool.

Your main character seemed to be pretty cool calm and in control for someone so young. I would understand a Rambo type character or similar veteran being so controlled and clear cut about packing for survival but a young girl I am not so sure about.

Having said that, I really liked the concept and the first paragraphs sucked me in. Then the whole war of the worlds feel was great but too cool and controlled for me to buy into the rest of the story, sorry.

Damn it! I just wrote a long comment and accidentally deleted it. I'm so sorry. But basically I agreed with the other comments. Your story is really well written, but I'm missing the panic and terror of an honest to god alien invasion. I felt the father and daughter, being so well prepared, would have a talk about an action plan, what they should do to make sure they stick together when the worst happens. But it was really well written, and I'd love to read more once you get it sorted out. Also, the sex bit seemed a little tacked on, like you thought you needed it because this is Literotica. You didn't, but maybe a different kind of scene would work in a different kind of story.

Others have noted the alarm factor could be higher, but I also really enjoyed your first chapter. "Laura" invoked images of Tomb Raider so you might want to reconsider unless it was intentional. Very good, but just a beginning...hope you finish the story arc...yuk, yuk.

Since it started off so good--with action that pulled me right along and strong writing, I kept defending to myself a higher rating than it's been give thus far even as small--and not so small--niggles were happening. Among the small, I think "fewer tracks" in the forest was meant rather than "little ones." Tracks are tracks, no matter the size. I think the issue was going for the lack of tracks not that they were left by a squirrel rather than a human. (But I might be wrong). Also, avoiding the helicopter seemed out of place. It wasn't the aliens who were flying helicopters, was it?

Of greater niggle--as mentioned by others--aliens destroying cities and their population isn't really an occasion for a "Long time no see" greeting for dear old dad followed by a "Doesn't look like things are going well" summing up of a thus-far very successful alien invasion. Having started off with the sense of urgency and danger established, all of the work that went into establishing the atmosphere of the story fizzled at this point. The other greater niggle for me was the masturbation scene. It just didn't fit the context--it was a "guess I gotta include sex" break away from the story, and it begged a "God, lady, there are Orcs destroying your planet and you're taking time to diddle yourself?" nit to pick. That said, I do expect sex in a story on an erotica site unless it's an extraordinary inspiration piece (which this isn't)--so that's just a problem I didn't see handled well.

The required elements were handled well, although, since they constituted the topic sentence of the story, they could have been emphasized more in the story itself--to keep the opening sentence from being weak.

Still got to the end with the feeling that it deserved a slightly better rating than it's been given thus far.

I liked your characterization of Laura and thought the inclusion of the description of her preparation did exactly what we're always telling people asking for feedback to do to improve their writing - show, don't tell. I found her preparations and escape very believable because of the time and care you took with that aspect.

Unfortunately, as others have noted, the other areas of your story suffer from not getting the same level of attention to detail. Even a sentence about how Laura knows she isn't going to be able to spare room for her favorite toy when she runs so this is likely to be her last time to use it would have tied the masturbation scene into your story more effectively. More personal drama with her escape would have also helped the urgency of that action for the length of this story, even if it was Laura's own thoughts and emotions as she ran.

Warning: My comments will tend to be harsher than complimentary. It is meant to help. I hope that by identifying what *didn't* work for me, the author might have some insight into areas of improvement, so far as one reader's opinion goes. I didn't read the other comments, until composing my own.

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* First impression during and after the read. *

Nice start. I can feel the tension, and appreciation the Laura's preparation.

A few awkwardly worded sentences, overall, grammatically good.

'...rudiment plan..." maybe should be 'rudimentary'

Panic ensured? ensued, maybe. - "swung it's" should be "swung its"

"The stress bleed and heavy meal began to overcome..." re-read this three times - stress bleed? Maybe I just don't get it.

Finished.

Thoughts - I enjoyed the preparations, the description of packing her bug out bag, the rationale behind some of the items (nothing that doesn't start with a 4). I didn't get as strong a feeling of desperation or nervousness leading up to her leaving. Some of the scenes seemed disjointed, the shower scene felt gratuitous, without purpose. Needed to tie it in better.

Were NONE of the 'orcs' ever killed? More description of the failure to stop them would have been nice. Panicked cities, images of people running, screaming, getting killed. Descriptions of cities falling. She mentions not getting stuck in a camp at the beginning, but what are these camps?

For some reason, think this might be Aynmair's or Ellie's.

The story is a tease, creating nothing but questions, without answering any. First chapter in a much longer story. Of course I can't talk after FAWC 3's Anything For Iris.

Use of the elements was present, but not crucial to the story. Seemed tacked on sometimes.

* Favorite Elements *

Accurate descriptions of preparations, interesting premise. Nice beginning scenario for a larger piece.

Enjoyed the first dozen paragraphs of her initial escape at the beginning.

* Issues *

For some reason, the story didn't 'grab' me. Very little tension, when it should have been rampant. I want to see real danger, not potential danger. Feel the terror, if possible.

A reference to getting captured and shipped off to a 'camp'. Call the creatures Dais. These elements were introduced early, but not explained. The discussion with her father seemed awfully muted, considering what was happening.

This could easily have been twice the length, and carried off the feelings I was looking for. I want to know her emotions, not just her actions. I want to truly care that she makes it.

The story just seemed a little flat. It certainly has the potential to be a lot more.

Watch the TV with a neighbor maybe, add some dialogue about what they're thinking, feed off of each other's fears. Instead of running off when she see's the sphere hit town, a hurried warning from her father, perhaps cut off at the end, could instill more anxiety, and worry that he won't show. False alarms in the woods that have her heart racing, dropping to the ground, staying still for long minutes. I just wanted more.

This could be a very interesting story.