Fashionably Late (For My Funeral)

I had only been back from the West coast for one day and Melissa's welcome was, to say the least, very warm indeed. I can remember thinking that my closeness to Sendi might have something to do with it. What better way to tell a suspected rival for your man's affections that you have a permanent hold on him than to announce publicly that you are having a baby.

We threw away the current packet of condoms that night. Sex without the raincoat was an even better experience than I had imagined, up until then I had to imagine this feeling of course, after all I had no firsthand experience to fall back on.

Life returned to normal, or should I say that a new normality took over. No longer did we attend the usual haunts, choosing only those public appearances that were important for either or both of our careers. I bumped into James at a number of these. "How is my money holding up?"

"You are an extremely wealthy man these days."

"I may need to get my hands on some of it in the not too distant future."

"Why? I thought that I was to be given total control of your finances."

"I may need to invest in some real estate out of the city."

"Why would you want to do that?"

"Mel and I have decided that we can't stay in New York forever. If we think about having a family we don't want to bring up our children here."

"She's not pregnant is she?" I thought later that his interest could have been more than financial but rejected the idea as ridiculous.

"No she isn't, at least not yet."

"But you are thinking about it?"

"We are thinking about it and we'll let you know what the results of our deliberations are."

Melissa and I continued to try for a family. I somehow had the feeling that it wasn't to be, after all we took no steps to prevent it and we made love on every conceivable occasion, and that pun comes to you courtesy of an old English radio comedy series called the Goon Show that I had heard some years ago in college.

I was researching a new novel and was down at the 5th precinct when I overheard a conversation between two detectives that made me sit up and take notice.

Both of them fitted neatly into the public perception of undercover drug squad members, long hair, ear and nose rings, scruffy clothes and the gaunt expression of the habitual user. "It seems as if there is some 'respectable' money being used to bring crack cocaine into this country." The more senior appearing person seemed to be thinking aloud.

"What do you mean?" The junior partner answered aloud.

"We have been keeping tabs on the usual bankers and they haven't been able to use their own money, so where is it coming from?"

"Who do you have in mind?"

"If I knew that I would have moved on it by now. I don't know but the money isn't coming from the normal sources and someone is doing a good job of laundering it."

"So what makes you think that it is, to use your words 'respectable'?"

"Think about it, the stock market is hardly buoyant at the moment and the profits from legitimate investment are not what they used to be. In the city there are several investors who seem to have a lot of money to throw around, so where is it coming from?"

"There must be other profitable forms of investment, the horses for instance."

"Sure, have you ever seen a wealthy punter? Bookie yes, punter no. Even the bookies don't seem to have much money these days."

"So what do we do about it?"

"We start probing. The first place I want to check out is a bar downtown that is run by Guido Costanzo, one of the usual importers. Maybe we'll get lucky and recognize some familiar faces there."

"If it's the one that I think you mean I doubt if you'll be able to see faces let alone recognize any. No-one looks at faces there."

It was all that I could do to stay calm. My mind went back to my first solo meeting with James at what could be that very same bar. Questions flashed through my mind, 'Could James be involved in the importation of drugs? Could he be using my money to finance this traffic? What would happen if he was found out, would his assets and my money be confiscated? What would become of my plans for the future? If I was one of the so called legitimate investors how many others were there and who were they? An operation of this magnitude would have to have some sort of protection, what form would that take? If James had invested a sizeable chunk of my capital and there were other investors, palms had to have been greased but whose?' There were so many questions with so few answers. I resolved to take matters into my own hands and find the answers.

Nothing happened for a week, I kept my ears open down at the precinct hoping to pick up some information that would either confirm or deny my worst thoughts. I let it be known that my next book would look at the drug trade and expressed the desire to go on one of their raids. This suggestion was strongly denied by all of the hierarchy from the janitor to the station commander as being too dangerous.

Drug raids were being carried out in increasing numbers but those arrested tended to be small time and from small networks. I got the impression that there was some method in what was happening. If I had been involved in these sort of operations and I wanted to control the market I would ensure that my competitors were either eliminated or they became too dangerous for the user to deal with.

I mentioned as much to Ruiz. "I haven't given it much thought because it isn't in my area but if what you say is true this has to be controlled from somewhere and by someone with some sort of authority. I'll ask a few questions and get back to you with the answer."

That was on the Tuesday. On Wednesday Ruiz called me at home. "You were right. The arrests are all small time operators. One of the larger players in the field hasn't been touched and he is my bet to be behind any large scale importation of cocaine. When I started to ask questions I was taken aside and told in no uncertain manner to keep well away from this. From this I have concluded that the operation has the highest of high protection."

Felix rang on the Thursday to tell me that the studio wanted me to come out the next week to start work on a new screenplay. "But they haven't bought any more of my books have they?"

"No. They are so impressed with your work on your last book that they want you to work on other authors' books. That is some kind of compliment."

Melissa had just come out of the bedroom, "Who is that Darling?"

"Felix," I said holding my hand over the mouthpiece, "It seems that the studio wants me to fly out next week to start work on a new screenplay."

"Are you going?"

"It's too good an opportunity to turn down. I shouldn't be too long on this project and I'll see if I can wangle weekend return trips. They are offering obscene amounts of money."

"That would be nice." The tone of her voice suggested that, in her mind it was far from nice. She went into the kitchen to put on some coffee.

"All right Felix I'll do it on certain conditions."

"I heard." So much for the theory of putting your hand over the mouthpiece in an effort to stop anyone at the other end hearing what you say. "I'll see what I can do for you, if they agree can you be on the plane first thing Monday morning?"

"That depends on what you call first thing."

"Six o'clock."

"You'll have to ring me around four to remind me."

"The things that I agree to do for you. All right I'll do it, at great inconvenience on my part I'll have you know. I'll get back to you and let you know what is happening."

The rest of Thursday, then on Friday, Saturday and Sunday Melissa and I never ventured from our apartment, much of the time was spent in the bedroom and that time that we spent in other rooms was spent on the pursuit of a family.

Four o'bloody clock on Monday morning the phone shattered a promising plot development that had been rattling around in my head for an hour or so. "Hello."

"Rise and shine! It's time for you to get your ass out of bed and head for the airport."

"How can you sound so cheerful at this hour?"

"Because I am just getting home and I am looking forward to spending the next ten hours in my lovely warm bed, some of it sleeping and some of it with a new client."

"Who is she?"

I heard him mumble through his hand over the mouthpiece of the phone "What's your name?" Her name is Desiree and she is an entertainer."

"Then I hope that she can keep you entertained. I'll see you when I get back."

Later that day, but actually earlier LA time, I got a phone call from Sendi, "How long were you going to be in town before you rang me?"

"I have only just got in and I've got to spend the whole day in script conferences at the studio, my bag is sitting unopened on my bed. I was just about to ring to see if we could have dinner tonight."

"If you had rung my number my service would have had to take a message because I'm not at home."

"Where are you?"

"I'm downstairs, in reception."

"Come up."

She came up and greeted me warmly as she entered the suite. "How's Melissa?"

"She's fine. We are trying for a family you know."

"I guessed as much."

"What do you mean?"

"Look, if I was your wife, and I wish, and I came out here and found that you were very friendly with some floozy, I would stake my claim by starting a family. How soon after you got back to New York did you decide that it was time for a family?"

"We started straight away." So it appeared that my thoughts were right. "Melissa knows that I wouldn't cheat on her with you or anyone else. By the way, I don't look on you as a floozy."

"Thank you for that. She might tell you that but inside she will be a seething mass of jealousy. You had better ring her and reassure her."

I rang our number and got the answering machine, where could she be?

"Listen Sendi, I want you to do something for me."

"For you I'll do anything. What is it?"

"I'll give you some money and I want you to buy a house for me."

"You're not thinking about moving out here are you?"

"No. I'm looking for something out of New York, something in some remote and rugged coastal village in Maine or Rhode Island, or even Connecticut."

"I know just the place. I actually come from that part of the world and I know of a little village in Maine that would be just perfect. It has a superb coastline and in the winter there is nothing more exhilarating than strolling along the beach during a violent storm, all wind and spray, it's an amazing experience."

"That really sounds great. Now can you buy property there?"

"Yes."

"What I want you to do is to buy something in your name, I'll give you the money whatever it costs. The story is that you are looking for somewhere that you can use to find yourself after your hectic schedule in Hollywood. Somewhere that you can just sit around doing not a lot, or you can go for walks along the beach during a storm, just to recharge your batteries."

"I have a proposition for you. I'll go halves on the property. It will be our place where we can go, individually or together to recharge our batteries from our hectic schedules."

"I don't think that we can count on the together part of that scenario."

"I can dream can't I?"

"Are you still trying to tell me that you want to be with me?"

"What's so wrong with that idea? You may not realize this, but if it wasn't for a certain beautiful woman by the name of Melissa, you wouldn't be able to get away from me."

(Wow! What have I done to deserve this? I have a gorgeous wife and now, it would seem, I have another gorgeous woman telling me that she wants me.)

"I suppose that we can arrange it that way. I'll look for a lawyer who can draw up some sort of a contract so that everything is legal and above board in this partnership."

"That won't be necessary, I trust you."

Just the same, the next day I visited a lawyer and got him to draw up a partnership agreement on the basis of a joint real property venture and when Sendi came over that night she reluctantly signed it. My second appointment that day was at a medical clinic. "How can I help you?" The receptionist looked as if she was between roles, all blonde hair, tanned skin, breasts and teeth.

"Yes. I would like to see a doctor?"

"Do you have an appointment?" She knew that I didn't.

"No."

"May I have your name please?"

"Jason Feldham."

"Mr. Feldham, not the author Feldham?"

"Yes."

"Wow!" I didn't know if she was genuinely interested or if it was part of standard procedure with organizations such as this in Hollywood to express surprise when someone of note came to the clinic. "What is the nature of your complaint?"

"It is personal, man's business."

"No need to be shy here, we can keep secrets." I doubted that statement but let it slide. "You want an appointment with one of our Urologists. Let me see, Dr Burton can see you immediately. Is that convenient?"

"That will be fine." I got the impression that this clinic had doctors available for just such emergencies.

(Why is it that Beverley Hills doctors all look alike, handsome, perfect teeth that they flashed at every opportunity, and a manner that was about as genuine as that of most of their patients?)

"I would like to have a sperm count done. My wife and I have been trying for ages now to have a baby and nothing is happening."

"Are you sure that it is you and not her that is the problem?"

"No I'm not. I thought that if I had a sperm count done and there was nothing wrong then that is one problem eliminated."

"That is a little unusual, but very well. I want you to go into that cubicle and ejaculate into this container. When you have done that seal it and leave it with the nurse. I'll have the results for you tomorrow. If you need them there are aids available for you in the cubicle to help you with the process."

The cubicle contained a pile of magazines the like of which I have never seen before, my education is sadly lacking, a VCR and a pile of video tapes that I assumed were never to appear in the local cinema.

I did my thing and left.

The next day brought me some good news and some bad news. I'll begin with the good news. "Darling," Sendi had begun calling me that in private as well as on those occasions decreed by the studio to be right for such displays of affection. "I have arranged it all!"

"You didn't waste any time did you?"

"Well I had a break in my shooting schedule today so I made a few phone calls. I have bought a small house on the coast about an hour's drive from Bar Harbor. I know the house and it is just perfect for our needs. We are property owners, isn't that wonderful?"

"Great, when can I see it?"

"When do you want to see it?"

"As soon as I get back to New York I thought that I would fly out and have a look at it."

"Can I come too, can I?"

"I don't think that it would be right for us to be seen together at this stage do you?"

"But we are seen together all of the time here."

"This is here, there is there, there is a difference you know."

"I suppose so." She was disappointed.

My other news wasn't quite so good. I sat in the office of the Beverley Hills doctor. "I have good news or bad news depending on what your expectations are. Now some of my clients are happy with what I am about to tell you while others aren't. I have the results of your tests, I'm afraid that, at present, you will be unable to father a child."

There was nary a swimming pollywog in sight. Zilch, zero, danada, whatever way you looked at it there was not one little swimmer to be seen in the entire sample. No lead in the pencil, I was shooting blanks, I could screw myself stupid and the end result would be a lot of pleasure and no paternity suits possible. I would have to have a long discussion with Melissa on the possibility of adoption. "Does this mean that I will never be able to father a child?"

"Not necessarily. I will have to carry out a whole batch of tests to isolate the cause of your problem. It could be a minor problem, some temporary thing or, then again it could be a much more involved problem that we can't do much about."

"When you say a temporary thing, what do you mean?"

"It could be a blockage in the Vas Deferens that can be cleared or cut out."

"If it is a temporary problem how long would I have had it?"

"Who knows? More than likely, unless you have suffered some form of trauma that caused the damage it is something that you have had from puberty."

"Wouldn't I have noticed something?"

"No. The ability to produce sperm has nothing to do with your ability to produce semen. When you have sex do you ejaculate normally?"

"I think so. What is normal?"

"A normal healthy person would discharge between a teaspoon and a dessertspoon each time."

"I haven't actually measured how much I produce but I would think it was in that sort of ballpark."

"Then you are normal in that way so, in the absence of evidence to the contrary there is another reason for your inability to father children."

"Where do we go from here?"

"That's up to you."

"I'll have to talk it over with my wife when I get back to New York. I'll make a decision then."