tagHumor & SatireFore! Play

Fore! Play

byAlexis661©

Every golfer dreams of scoring a hole-in-one. It is that one moment of perfection that makes years of practice worthwhile. And every man dreams of scoring a hole-in one in bed.

You don't have to be Tiger Woods to find your way around the green and you don't have to be Don Juan to find your way around your woman. All it takes is a little practice and a few well-placed putts and you'll soon find yourself playing in the Masters. You don't even need to buy those really expensive clubs or pay green fees

Hey, don't get me wrong guys, there are some of you out there who really know how to please a woman. But even Tiger Woods needs to practice his stroke and warm up before he tees off.

As every golfer knows, it helps to familiarize yourself with the green you'll be playing on. Where are the sand traps, the water hazards, and what is par for the course? Maybe your woman doesn't like to have her toes sucked or her neck nuzzled. Maybe "Hey, baby, let's do it" doesn't turn her on as much as you think.

Practice your stroke and warm up a bit before you tee off. Watch carefully for the signs that you may be driving straight for the sand. Does she wince every time you call her "cuddle butt" or pull away whenever you lick her earlobe?

Here is where the assistance of your caddy is critical. Asking your woman how it feels or if she likes it is like asking a well-seasoned caddy which driver to use on the next hole. No one is more familiar with the green than your caddy and no one knows what your woman likes better than your woman. Don't be afraid to ask.

And guys, unless you plan to putt from the parking lot, it will take a little time to get to the fairway. You don't go from your car to the first tee in 2 minutes, so don't think that pouncing on your partner and going for it will be a good way to keep on getting green privileges. Every good golfer knows that a relaxed lead up to tee time is the best way to stay focused during a round.

Once on the green, practice some putting first. Warm up with a few gentle stokes and test your equipment. Get a feel for the right grip, try different strokes and see which ones send your balls sailing in the right direction. You'll know you're in the rough if your partner keeps shifting position, doesn't respond or starts talking about her day at work.

Don't panic! Even Tiger's had to dig his balls out of the bunker. Readjust your grip, try a different club or reposition your stance. If you're going for birdie, chances are, your woman will start leading you to the pin. And if your partner starts to relax and stops keeping score, you'll know you're headed for a hole-in-one

And remember, When moving from the tee to the fairway, keep your eye on the ball and don't rush the play.

Now, it's time to practice your drive. A firm, relaxed grip on your club (I'm talking golf now) is crucial when making your first shot. Slice to the left or right and you'll end up in the bunker on a dogleg. Landing in the rough will only slow you down.

A good grip with your partner is also very important. You don't want to mangle the goodies, but you do want to be sure that your partner feels your caress. If your woman has indicated (you asked, first, remember?) that she likes to have her bodacious ta-ta's handled, be sure you know whether "handled" is synonymous with "Pinched" or " A light full handed caress" And please, don't keep switching grips! As soon as your woman starts to moan and respond to that certain something you're doing, the best way to ruin it is to stop doing it!

Stroke is important here, fellows. You'll want a strong, powerful swing and not a deep, rutting hack. Think of it as a transfer of energy - a smooth burst of power from your body, through your driver, into the ball. Strokes that lack confidence or power will be deflected and your ball will land way off target. Your stroke should be precise and smooth as molten gold, not jerky or rough. If you need to readjust, don't overcorrect the stroke. A little change goes a long way.

Now, this is it! Take a firm, relaxed grip on the club and settle into a comfortable stance. Keeping your eye on the ball, swing from the hips with a powerful, controlled motion. Follow through with a smooth recovery and there you have it. A hole in one!

Chances are, even if you're an expert on scoring holes-in-one, you'll still need to work on some aspect of the game. Don't' be afraid to practice often and use those slow-mo instant replays as an opportunity to improve your game. And don't forget, those moments right after the game is a great time to do some networking. Heading straight into the clubhouse alone for a beer alone is no way to build a good rapport with your partner. Remember to tip your caddy well. A well-deserved bouquet of flowers goes a long way in ensuring that you'll be upgraded with perks the next time you hit the green.

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