All Comments on 'Forever There, Than Gone'

I do make house/hotel calls. TK U MLJ LV NV

Emphasis on third person makes the story a dry one.

The woman has to prostitute herself to keep her children and her home intact while her husband is away. I took it that her husband is in the Armed Forces and she has to do what ever it takes to make money.

Only time will tell how her plan will work out, and if she can keep what she is doing from her husband.

I think it would be very scary for her to let other men fuck her while her husband is away.

Erotic in a way but mostly sad.

In my opinion her husband died and has been dealt another blow by having difficulty of feeding and keeping a roof over the head of her kids. Gives a perspective of prostitution one never think of

Husband has died.... wife is finding her way

Not easy to read. There was little flow. The third person POV with present tense makes it rather heavy reading. The teaser uses "looses" while intending "loses".

I am not even going to read this story. The title and description contain two errors. It's then not than. It's loses not looses.

...means it's not worth my time to read it. When you learn the difference between 'than' and 'then', and 'loose' and 'lose', maybe I will give your stories a chance.

Probably not a bad story, but I couldn't get myself to more than skim it; most likely from the narrative style.

Thanks for the feedback. I don't know how I missed the typos on the title and tag line, too big a rush doing too many things at once I suppose - I have resubmitted the piece with the spelling corrected. What I find interesting is that people who have read the story have completely missed the mark with their observations, re; the narrative tone. I set the story in a 2nd person narrative, something that is generally not done very often in fiction, but that does have a strong precedent, ie., Falkner, Tolstoy, Beckett, Atwood, etc. but perhaps the very best example of this being the novel, Bright Lights, Big City.

Anyway, as this was my first attempt at writing something in the erotica genre, I thought that a 2nd person narrative might help pull the reader into the character's experience... perhaps not... although, I'm still not 100% certain that a 2nd person narrative in not a good choice for erotica...

Thanks again...

I think the idea is her husband has died and she is acting as an escort to take care of her family,though the story also implies it is about moving on.My main criticism is the flow of the writing,it tries to be poetic and indirect in telling the tale but it loses something;the narration view is unclear,at the beginning it seems to be told by thedead husbands ghost,then it shifts to third person that confuses things a bit....I think the writer has potential to write creative things,may just need an editor:)

It's really hard to pull off. Rather than pull you into a story it does the opposite because it's confusing. If you're telling a story that happened to you, or that you are pretending happened to you, you use the first person. If you are telling a story about someone else, you use the third person. Then there are the different points of view. Like whether the author can get into the head of just the main character, all the characters, or none of the characters. All that is hard enough, but for a beginning writer to start off using the 2nd person, the least used form of narrative, is way to risky. It's the least used form for a reason. It's not as suitable for story telling as the others and even professional writers have trouble pulling it off.

For Sharing. Good read.

Misspelled then as than in the title. Misspelled lose as loose in teaser. Wow!

Made it too difficult to read so after 3 paragraps I stopped reading and rated it 1*.

she put a phone up her ass and thought she was making a booty call

Maybe there is a point to this, but I missed it.

Very strange writing!