Cate's Struggles

"Whatever you wish, Jade, but I do thank you."

"You're always welcome, hon, and you know it."

Almost from the start, Haley worried about losing her job, but when I told her she didn't have to worry about it, she seemed to take me at my word and never mentioned it again. What she did mention was her apartment, her rooms I should say, for Jade said that's all they were, just a bedroom and a tiny kitchen, if a hot plate could be called a kitchen.

Other than that, we worked out, Haley learned fast, and was becoming fairly proficient at defending herself. She'd gotten good at focusing her attention too, so much so that she'd taken to trying to read some of the books Lanie and I had. I'd also taught her to type, and to use the computer as well as the Internet. Her intellect had her learning by leaps and bounds, as was her vocabulary, which I figured grew because of her reading. The one thing that surprised me was a long time in coming, and I didn't even know it.

"Cate," she began hesitantly, "who's Lanie?"

Surprised was right. There were no pictures of her or of us together save those I'd put away, and I knew Haley hadn't been searching for anything. It wasn't her way.

"Why do you ask?" I countered slowly.

"You've said her name some times in your sleep. When you let me sleep with you that one night, you talked to her."

"Oh? Was it a good conversation?"

"I guess. Uh, I think part of it was erotic," she said, and blushed.

"Oh. Maybe someday I'll tell you," I tried to put it to rest.

"I know you love her," Haley said as if not sure if she should. "It's okay. I mean, if you do, she must be nice. Do you think she'd like me?" she asked in her little-girl voice.

I took a deep breath, and remembered Lanie way too much for the moment, and replied too quickly.

"Yes, I'm sure she would," and immediately regretted saying anything.

"If you love her, I'm sure I would too," she tried to ply more from me, but I wouldn't say more.

Other than that, there was nothing else. Haley was dedicated to doing as I asked of her. When she decided she wanted to finish high school, I knew it was time to go back.

Chapter 15

"This is nice," Haley said, dragging out the last word. "Is this your home?"

"Our home as long as you're with me," I told her, and saw her face begin to glow.

"Will you be my Mistress now?" she had to ask, her voice hopeful.

"Haven't I been?" I asked her.

"But you never..."

"What is it that a submissive does?" I prodded her.

"O—obey her Mistress, a—and do for her, serve her?" she asked more than told me.

"And you have, Haley. Every time I told you to do something, you have. You've always done as I've asked of you."

"You do a lot of it," she protested. "You even help me do the washing, and everything."

"Don't I get to choose what I wish to do, and what I don't wish to do, or what I want to have you do, or not do?"

"Yes, but..."

"No buts. These are the rules for this house: no nakedness unless I say you can. You may only call me Mistress twice a day, but then only if needful, and only if there is no one else around. If you call me Mistress more than that, you subtract each time from the next day's allowance. And you may never, ever, address me as Mistress in public, and you may not ever tell anyone about this. Not even Ariel or Caryn. Understood?"

"Yes, M-m-m—Cate," she fought successfully at not saying it, not wasting one.

"I'll permit you one that doesn't count, but today only."

I shouldn't have said that. "Thank you, Mistress," she said, but spontaneously came to me in a rush with her arms around my neck and holding me tight to her. When she realized what she'd done, she pulled away.

"I'm sorry, M—Cate."

"And another thing, only two kisses per day just like the Mistress thing."

Again, she was in my arms and about to kiss me, but stopped.

"I'll save it for tonight...unless I get another one that doesn't count for today only," the little minx conned me as much as she could.

I looked at her, my lips pursed and serious written all over my face.

"Just this once," I finally said. Again, I should have stipulated more rules about kissing, because that one lasted longer than I wanted it to.

"I love you, my Mistress, and I don't care, that one was worth losing," she said breathlessly in my ear.

"And only two 'I love you' s per day also. Now what else?"

"No free ones today only," the little witch was catching on fast.

"Yes, that one is forgiven too, I suppose."

"And will I be allowed to sleep with you now? Please?" she gave me her cutest look, but there I drew the line.

"No. Later, we'll see how ready you are to behave. So far you're pushing your luck."

She pouted.

"Will we be able to go to the club?"

"Most likely. Jade is getting too much flack, I think."

"Jade?" she asked. I just grinned, and walked away.

All of her clothes were here; she saw that when she walked into her bedroom.

"My clothes! How...?"

"Maybe the Easter bunny brought them. Or the tooth fairy. Well, one of those, maybe," I toyed with her.

With tears in her eyes, she walked over to me, and looked at me with so much love that I nearly took her in my arms. Goodness only knows, I wanted to, but didn't.

"You keep making me love you more and more, and to want to be with you so much, Cate. I'm going to die for love of you."

She was so sweet, and I wondered how I was going to resist her long enough to do as I thought I must for her, and maybe for us.

"Can you die without permission? If you do, I'll never let you die again."

She tried not to laugh. It was hard, that turning from a look of pure love to one of silliness, but she couldn't keep from it. We both laughed until our belly's hurt.

When it was close to time to go to bed, we each showered in our respective bathrooms, and she dutifully put on her pajamas.

"My Mistress, I love you so much. Please let me sleep with you. I need you, and my heart needs to be near you," she wheedled me.

"You are near me; only about twelve feet away, in fact."

Then I got my other kiss, and it was a dozy. Those full lips of hers knew how to paste themselves on mine so that I'd remember them.

"Good night, my Mistress. I do love you."

I didn't count the number of times she said either of them.

"Good night, Haley."

Chapter 16

We went to the club, and Jade came to give me a hug and kiss; Haley got the same treatment.

"How're you two doing? We've missed you."

"We're fine," I said, "and you look good too."

"Hey, that's what fun does to you, you know," she cackled. I didn't say a word, but Haley wondered as she looked at me for an explanation which wasn't forthcoming.

At the regular table with all of the others, it was pandemonium, especially around Haley.

"I knew something was up, and I knew that Jade knew it, but she wouldn't say a thing. I hope you'll be enlightening us," Eleanore said privately.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Eleanore. There was a minor problem, but we talked our way out, and left. Is everything okay now?" I asked innocently.

"You are one odd woman, Cate," Eleanore said not believing one word I said, but left it at that.

The others were harder to flummox, but Haley did a creditable job of handling it all, much to Ariel's and Caryn's distaste. They loved Haley so much though that they forgave her, just happy to have her back with them.

Dancing was one thing we didn't do at the cabin, and I was still inept, but I stayed with Haley as she danced for both of us. Coming into my arms, she held me tight.

"Thank you, my Mistress, I love you."

"One," I kidded her, but seriously, "and what am I being thanked for?"

"For bringing me to be with our friends. I have missed them so much."

"You mean they're not pissed at you for being so close-mouthed?"

She laughed. "No, they love me too much to be angry with me."

"That's good. Maybe one of them will want you, and take you from me," I said in jest.

"Never," Haley said vehemently. "I'll never leave you. Not ever!" she said emphatically.

"Then I guess they don't love you that much, huh?"

"You keep teasing me, and I want to be upset, but then I know that It's just that I'm wanting to love you more," she said. I didn't bite on that one.

* * * *

Haley was gorgeous, her hair as I've never seen any woman's. With her slender body and those larger than normal breasts, she was driving my body wild with desire, not to mention her beautiful person.

Haley was also growing, doing much better in her martial arts regimen too, and I kept seeing her mind expanding, her curiosity growing. Intentionally, I sat us as near to Eleanore as I could hoping she would speak as I was told she did, and as I knew she was well capable of speaking.

Ariel and Caryn danced a lot with Haley, and sometimes they all danced together. I wondered how she knew how to dance.

When we finally left, and were home, our showers taken and our pajamas on, I asked Haley about her dancing.

"When I was very young, mom always danced with me; she loved to dance, and it didn't bother me that she was always naked. Early on, I was naked with her too. I've wondered if that was why I loved women, and disliked being with men, even the nice ones. Maybe that was why, too, that I didn't look at women at first."

Another bit of her life explained. Saying good night needed no explanation. She'd saved a kiss for this moment, as well as a Mistress saying.

"God, I feel my love of you so much, my Mistress. I love you so very much. Please think of allowing me to sleep with you."

"Then you'll be pushing to be naked too."

"No."

"No?"

"I think I already expressed that wish. I did, didn't I?" she worried.

"Most likely, but if not, you just did. Good night, Haley."

She left with a sadness at doing so as she always did, but she didn't know that my heart was also sad at having her away from me, and naked too. There was no doubt about it, I was in love with Haley. Very much in love with her, and I tried to make my peace with Lanie about it.

Chapter 17

Through the good offices of my most kindest tormentor, Haley's car was sold, and I had her on my insurance. She'd been driving without benefit of insurance since just after she qualified for her driver's license and car registration. The sales price didn't get her much, but it was something. She opened her own bank account with it, along with what she still had from when she left her home.

Where she had lived was a couple of rooms over a garage that a widow had rented out to her. There was minimal furniture, so she had few expenses. Fortune hadn't quite smiled on her, but most likely simply forgot she was alive. Keeping to herself, there weren't many times when she could mix with others save behind a counter which protected her from the actual mix. That, and her too focused looking for the right person, kept her safe from the circumstantial mix wherein Fortune popped in and out like the virtual particles Eleanore spoke of sometimes.

Haley also began to be tutored for her GED; that, and her martial arts regimen, kept her pretty busy, but it was the group that fed her mind, her wondering. It wasn't only Eleanore, but all of the others too, particularly Ariel and Caryn who doted on her, as well as Paula who did so quietly. That was as odd a thing as anything for they were very close in age, but Ariel, Caryn, and Paula had a mother-hen instinct.

She also set up a regimen for herself on when to kiss me, and when to call me Mistress: each morning when she saw I was awake, and each night before I sent her off to bed. She'd also let me know how disappointed she was to be shuffled off to another bed each night. I both smiled outwardly and groaned inwardly, I wanted her with me so much.

A few weeks later, Haley took her GED test and passed it with flying colors. She was very happy. I hugged her, and kissed her cheek.

"Did I please you, my Mistress?" she asked softly as I held her.

"You always please me, Haley."

"Thank you, my Mistress, that is my only desire other than to have your love."

"And to be with Ariel and Caryn, plus the group," I did my level best to make it very light though I more than delighted in her words. My pussy only groaned, used to now being disappointed endlessly.

"Yes, I do love them all too," she agreed happily.

When we went to the club, they were all happy as they learned she had passed her GED, and more hugs and kisses were forthcoming, much to Haley's enjoyment That wasn't the only happy news: Mary had met a new girl, Anise, where she worked, and they had gotten together swiftly. Mary was another of the regulars of their group. That naturally meant more hugs and kisses, and more mother-hen-ing too. It tickled me how it seemed that Haley was making like a mother-hen just as the others were.

The next morning, Ariel called her to invite us to a finger-dinner that afternoon to evening. There was nothing we needed to do that couldn't wait, including her martial arts regimen.

* * * *

Just about the whole group was present: Penny and Caryn, naturally, as well as Eleanore and Paula, plus Mary and her new love, Anise, who were glowing with their new happiness. The conversation was lively, the laughs many, and the food kept disappearing keeping Caryn and Paula taking turns hopping up with Ariel to help her with even more food.

"Have you decided if you'll go back to teaching?" Eleanore asked me out of the blue.

At hearing that I sensed Haley quickly turning her attention to me, but I didn't let her know I'd noticed it.

"No. I've given that up."

"Why, Cate? You seem like you'd be a great teacher."

"It's tiresome teaching what they tell you to teach even if it's only to the new people. Those, in my opinion, are the ones whose minds need to be even more exposed before they get settled into whatever field they think most interests them."

"That's interesting. What do you think should be taught?"

"That's a little hard for me to say, there's so much to it, I think, but I'll try to shorten what I think. To me, they're framing it wrong. What is it that we do every moment we live if it's not to live life itself. We don't touch on that initially, yet we've become a complex society. We need to wonder what it is we are, then go about working within that framework for how we'll fit in with what we think we may be."

"Hm, that's interesting. Do you have a thought on how to do that, where to start, that is?" Eleanore prodded me. Had I allowed myself to be taken in too much? Perhaps, then again, perhaps not.

"Honestly, no. It's just a feeling that how we're going about teaching now is not quite right."

"What do you think we should do, that is, about wondering what we are?"

"Learn how to wonder about it is the simple answer, but that begs easy questions such as 'Wonder how?' What would you—any of you—wonder about if you were trying to figure life out, assuming you don't know what life really is?"

Looking around in the ensuing silence, there didn't seem to be much forthcoming.

"Good question," Eleanore said. "Since we don't seem to have any ideas, can you offer any, I hope?"

"What I've always been impressed with is the lies we're told, how we're fed fables like Washington chopped down the cherry tree, and then no one ever corrects that. Many seem to carry on as if that's the truth. As far as I know, no one can say it's true, so why pass that on to kids? Why pass any lies on and not say they're just fables?"

"Okay, but I suspect that's just the tip of the iceberg with you," Eleanore said to prod me.

"To me, wondering is good, but have you ever thought of a class on wondering?" I asked.

Eleanore laughed. "No, I haven't. I take it you're a big fan of wondering."

"Actually, I am. Whenever I have a question that seems out of my reach, or am curious about something, I do sit and wonder, or allow my mind to do its thing, whatever its thing is. Normally, many thoughts come flying by, and some seem connected. Eventually, if I'm on the right track, some of those thoughts present themselves to me as being connected. In other words, I suddenly see a connection, or a pattern if you will, with some of those thoughts. And putting this into a perspective of what I began talking about, does anyone teach about how to wonder? That, to me, is a good starting point."

"You have a point there, I think," Mary said. "I know I've wondered, but never thought about it as a kind of process as you just expressed it as being."

"Yeah, me too," Caryn said. "That might be a good starting place on wondering about life, huh?"

"It's an odd idea, Caryn, but maybe you're right," Penny said.

"So what is it that makes us wonder?" Sally asked. "Is it our natural curiosity?"

"Good question, and that may be right, at least for a beginning," I said. "As you probably know, there are lots of things we don't know, things we use daily. Consciousness is one of them. It's been said we may never know where or how consciousness originated, but it's a good mental exercise to wonder about it. Or how about insight, or how thoughts process in our minds, and even what mind actually is, and not just that it works through our brains. Those are things we can wonder about besides how we wonder."

"Cate, what is your field, if you don't mind telling us?" Sally asked.

"I taught mostly sociology 101, then some psychology before I left."

"Two fields?" Penny asked. I nodded. "It must have been difficult getting two degrees."

"Can I tell them?" Eleanore asked me with a small smile playing on her lips. I shrugged. How could anything be hid now? "Not just degrees, but PhD's," Eleanore let them know. That set their minds to wondering.

"But these things you mentioned aren't quite in your fields," Ariel said, but as a question.

I smiled. "I love to learn. These things are fascinating, and it is a part of psychology in a way, but what isn't? I love learning about cell biology too, and some say we are nothing but a society of cells, and consider cells to be living things even if they are in us as us. We are nothing if not cells, unless you want to go deeper and say that cells are molecules, and then that molecules are atoms, and, well, you get the picture. Everything seems to be connected."

"It is all connected," Paula said. "Liv used to say things like that, and she and Elle talked much like that too."

"That's right, as most of you know Liv talked about atoms being what we are, if you didn't bother to look even closer," Eleanore said. "That all is made out of atoms, was a part of her teaching."

Who this Liv was began to interest me. If she and Eleanore talked this way often, as it seemed from Paula, she was someone I would love to know.

"So if all is made out of atoms, is consciousness made out of atoms too?" was asked by Haley, who was obviously following it all closely.

"We don't know," Eleanore said. "It's interesting indeed. How about atoms and psychology?"

She was grinning, but why I didn't know, but she was looking at me.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Just thought I'd bring it up since we're opening up to things we seem to have no idea of. Or do we?" the grin remained, and a look that was like a friendly glove thrown as a challenge.

I thought for a minute, and the others, catching Eleanore's friendly poke at me were looking on expectantly.

"Okay, since you're pushing me," I grinned back in a friendly way that I was truly feeling with all of them, "there are many so-called fields of psychology. As an off shoot of Existentialism, some psychologists have come up with what might be called cosmic psychology. What I mean by that is that they've taken the idea of fields from physics, as well as what they say is a fact of being that we are literally a part of the universe itself, and break it down in a way that makes their point. It's interesting, and actually quite simple to understand save that if it's new to you, your mind may decide that it's too radical to be believed, though I don't think it is."