Cate's Struggles

"I take it that you give it a lot of credence," Eleanore said.

"Yes I do. Combined with what is in general Existentialism, I think it has a lot to offer. However, to really explain it would take too much time. I could only point anyone who's truly interested in it to a book."

"You know, I might be interested," Sally said. "If you don't mind, I'd like to have the title of the book, and the author."

I wrote them down for her, and saw that Penny and Eleanore asked for them as well.

"Thank you, Cate. Paula, in a way, isn't this some of what Liv thought and wondered at?" Eleanore asked.

"It is," Paula answered immediately. "She had a lot of questions like that, as you know," Paula smiled knowingly at Eleanore.

What all they were talking about, I didn't know, but my ears were perked up again. Who was this Liv, and more importantly, is she still around somewhere? If she thought similarly to me, not to mention Lanie, I was interested in meeting her if possible.

There was a silence for a moment, but it was soon broken.

"For Haley, and you, Cate, and for Anise too, who are newer to our group, Liv taught bible classes which most here attended. Liv was shot and killed by some nut who was egged on by one of those know-nothing preachers like that goof ball in Florida that threatened to burn a copy of the Quran. She helped a lot of us, and we've wondered who might somehow take her place because she taught in a way that most of us could readily understand. It especially helped Caryn," Penny said.

"It did," Caryn spoke up right away. "The church I was going to hated any type of homosexuality, and gave us what for in hell's eternal fire just for loving as we knew is in us to want to love. They nearly ruined me."

"Me too," Paula said. "Liv saved my life, I was so suicidal, believing all of that crap they fed to everybody."

It was unusual for Paula to say much, or to use any form of cussing, so it surprised me to hear her speak that way, but there was no doubting her sincerity.

"Liv, Paula, and I talked about many things in the time we had. We tried to come up with what it is we really are as we've been doing today, and even why we are, if we have a specific purpose," Eleanore said.

"Liv wondered about it a lot," Paula added. "She was always trying to come up with some reason for our being, if there is one, other than as the churches say."

"Cate, have you ever thought of it?" Eleanore asked me.

"Churches and I haven't had a relationship, so no, I have nothing on that in any way. and why we are is another mystery, as well as if we have a purpose. All I can say on purpose is to go back and find a connection, and that connection is that we're learning as we develop into new species. Maybe the question is why have we constantly been evolving seemingly to learn?" I said, and shrugged.

"Now that's a question I hadn't heard before," Eleanore said, "that we're learning as we evolve. It's something worth thinking on."

"No thoughts on religion and what it says to us?" Mary asked.

"From what little I know about religion, or in our basic case, Christianity, science, particularly in genetics and molecular biology, are shredding what the churches are said to be saying, as far as I know, or have heard of what they say. To me, I have to wonder if it's the atoms that are evolving, strange as that may seem, and it is to me, rather than that 'god' made Adam and Eve. That said, I'm subject to change as I learn more, and honestly, I know very little on these subjects."

"Wow! How can that be?" Mary asked, but not as if denying the possibility. "That is a wild thought, but hey, we are atoms, huh?"

"No matter what we do, it all originates from a source," Eleanore finally permitted herself to break in. "It's an interesting idea, or theory maybe. We talk, walk, breathe, anything, mostly, and it's atoms."

"The atoms think and plan for us?" Caryn wondered.

"Darned if I know. It's a heck of a thing to wonder about too," Eleanore added.

"So, maybe we should wonder where it is, or what it is, that atoms are evolving to, huh?" Mary asked in wonder.

"I guess it's a path we can go down," Penny said.

It was all a wonder to us, where all these thoughts could lead us to. What indeed was our origin, and maybe what indeed our God or Goddess was, or is, or if there is no God or Goddess, or if there's simply an intelligence that was out there and quietly being as a deist god was said to be allowing all to evolve as it would.

"I wish Liv was here right now," Eleanore said. "She would have loved it."

"She would have, Elle," Paula agreed. They looked at each other in a special way, one of love, and much more. There was another special connection there, and I guessed it was Liv. Once more, I wished I had met her.

Before we left, Ariel stopped me. "Are you interested in what the churches preach, and what's in the bible?" she asked.

"I hadn't been, but I was interested in what Liv was teaching—it sounded worth knowing for many reasons, but mostly for who she was."

"Liv was special, that's for sure, and we all do miss her. If you'd like, I have what all she taught us. She did a whale of a job distilling it so neatly. I'll get it for you if you wish."

"Yes, I think I'd like to see it, if it's not too much trouble for you."

"It's not. I'll make you a copy of what we have. The way she put it all was so simple, and as I said, so neatly packaged. Liv was fabulous."

Chapter18

"What's wrong, Haley?" I asked when I saw the too gloomy look on her face.

"There is so much I don't know, including you. I couldn't help feeling some jealousy at not knowing as Jabs did about you. Mistress, I love you so much, and you're all I want, but I realized I know so little about you. Then I wondered about Liv. She sounded so like a saint to me. Mom read the bible sometimes, but I know she didn't understand a word of it. Still, she had me almost doing the same thing. I tried it, but it was so confusing. It was terrible feeling as if I wanted to know more, but couldn't learn any of it. But mostly, I hated not knowing you, you are so much in me. It's like having a ghost that I love living in me, that there's more space between us than there is between our two beds."

That more than touched me. As she spoke, I saw Haley's face becoming sad, lost and lonely which I knew much of, and I knew it was time to do what I had been avoiding. Yes, it was time.

"Let's take our shower and change, then we'll talk some more, okay?" I asked, pulling her to me and kissing her cheek, things I almost never initiated. Haley's eyes looked at me with so much love and hopefulness that my heart lurched.

When Haley was in her pajamas, I led her to my bed. She looked at me in wonder, and perhaps hope.

"Let's get comfortable, and I'll tell you about me, okay?"

She nodded, and at my motion, she was next to me, my head on the pillow, hers in her hand supported by her elbow.

I told her about how I started, what my early life had been, and how I determined to escape it, and that I did escape it. When I looked at her, she had tears steadily flowing down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, my Mistress, that it was so hard for you," she said, and wept more. I reached out my arm, and she came into me automatically, as if it were the most natural thing to do.

"Yes, it was very difficult, but in a way, yours was much worse. You were kept from using your mind, and yet you did use it, though it's been hindered by what your mother instilled in you so deeply. Had she not, you most likely would not have the submissive nature you feel you have now, though you would probably still have the leaning of wanting to love a woman. We are very complex, Haley, and we don't honestly understand ourselves no matter what the public know-it-all people say."

"You did all if what you said just by focusing?" she asked in disbelief.

"That's my opinion, and I think it's a valid one. Aren't we often told to concentrate when a teacher is trying to teach us something new? Have you heard that before?"

"Yes, I think so. What about college. They said you have two degrees—doctorates! Those are as high as you can get, aren't they?"

"Pretty much. That was mostly thanks to a counselor I met in my sophomore year, Lanie Collins," I said, and waited for the recognition to come to her. It didn't take long at all.

"She had the same last name as you?" she wondered, her head lifted up to look at me.

I looked into her marvelous eyes for a minute before answering. "Yes. I took her last name when we married."

She jumped up and sat on her haunches, wild wonder on her face. "You're married?" she asked sharply, but not in any bad way, simply shocked at my telling her of it. I nodded.

"Where is she?" she asked nervously, looking around as if Lanie might be hiding somewhere nearby without her knowing it. I motioned for her to stay, got up, and pulled out a picture of us.

"She was killed by a rich nut who thought she shouldn't mind being his plaything even if she didn't know him. He's in jail now, and Lanie is where she wished to be laid to rest. She resisted him, and he bashed her head," I told her, and sensed my own tears falling swiftly, but noiselessly. "She was a wonderful lady, a marvelous wife, and we loved each other very much. And yes, I still love her very much."

It seemed as if we looked at each other for a long, long time. At last, Haley felt the need to comfort me, and reached out to wipe my still flowing tears.

"Mistress," she began softly, "I'm so sorry. She was beautiful just as you are."

I nodded, and again we were quiet.

"Will you tell me more?" she gently asked.

"Yes. Whatever you wish to know," I told her, her face once more looking as if wondering what more I had to tell her, what more she could know about me.

Me? My heart was in two places: with Lanie whom I still sorrowed greatly over, and with Haley who'd wormed her way into my heart and love with the beauty of her person. Yes, she was gorgeous, and very sexy of body, but it was her person that I truly loved. There had been many other beautiful women that I had seen, but I'd never felt anything for any of them. I did with Haley. My head on my pillow again, Haley came into my arms again, and kissed my cheek.

"I do love you so much, my Mistress," she tenderly told me, a hand caressing my furthest cheek. "Please tell me about her—about Lanie. She is beautiful."

"As are you, Haley, as are you, but yes, I'll tell you about her. I had never loved anyone, never dated anyone, but when I saw her, she had my heart. What I didn't know then was that she felt the same about me—she thought she loved me instantly. It wasn't long—the second time we met that I couldn't resist kissing her. She didn't resist it, she even kissed me back. The third time we met, she made love to me.

"Though it was very difficult, me not knowing much about people, and next to nothing about love, I did as she guided me for the sake of the love we had, and we stayed mostly apart while I was a student. She knew, and believed, in the way I told her I had learned to focus, and that it made learning easy for me. She paid for all of my classes, unknown to any, and we only met when we safely could, and always at her cabin."

"The one you took me to?" she asked.

"Yes. It was hers willed to her by her aunt. We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas there, as well as spring break and part of summers when I wasn't in class. I continued studying, but at an accelerated pace. With her guiding me, I had two majors as you know, and swiftly moved through both, but after I had my initial degree, we married.

Since I was no longer an undergraduate student, there was nothing they could say, though they tried to get it out of us sneakily. We never told them a thing. We were happy, I did all I could as a student, then taught after that, though my whole heart wasn't into it. Lanie was the only thing in my heart, the only person in my heart, and she was all I was interested in. The rest was just for the public life we had to lead, Lanie as a counselor—and a wonderful one at that."

There was no more to say. Haley loved being at my breast, but she was somewhat uneasy, and yet I sensed that she was accepting. An odd paradox, but it seemed to be true. Eventually she felt the need to talk again.

"And that is why, though you say I am beautiful also, that you can't love me—she is still so much in your heart," she said, part question, but it seemed as if it was directed at herself, as if she was talking to herself trying to understand it all. "Mistress, have you also been guiding me as Lanie, your wife, guided you?"

"Yes, somewhat," I answered honestly.

"Do you think you'll ever find me worthy of being loved, my Mistress?" she asked, seemingly unaware that she had called me Mistress many times already since we started talking.

"Think it? No, I don't think it," I said, maybe teasing her too much.

"I wish you would, I love you so much."

"And you'll do anything for me, too," I said. "But, Haley, have you ever thought of being married, and not just being someone's submissive?"

She thought about that for a moment, but only a moment. "I think that I never allowed myself to think of it, but if I did, I would find that it is my most cherished wish. Then I'd know I truly belonged to someone, and that they too, wished to belong to me. Does that make sense, my Mistress?"

Oh, it made wonderful sense, and I kissed her head, at which she sighed deeply.

"I love it when you kiss me anywhere," she said dreamily.

"I'm glad you do, but to answer your question, yes, it does make sense."

"It does?" she raised her head again, and looked at me.

"Yes, Haley, it does, but do you realize what you just said?"

"What?" she wondered.

"That you don't really want to be a submissive, but to just know you were loved, and could love, and that you belonged, period, as we all wish for belonging."

Her eyes looked off as she thought about it. She must have really thought hard for I could sense how she was looking at it trying to understand the import of it, how what I said could be so. It started to slowly dawn on her, and I hoped mightily that she would see it, if not at any moment, then soon.

"I never thought of that," she finally said. "It seems so logical, but..."

She couldn't take that any further.

"Think about what you said, and we'll talk about it when you're ready, or have questions."

Leaving wasn't what she wanted, but she did, kissing me good night, and a repeat of her love of me, but she didn't call me Mistress. I wondered if she would catch that somewhere along the line tonight for I knew she'd be awake for a while, her mind busy rummaging endlessly through all we'd spoken of.

Chapter 19

Through the week, we talked much. Haley decided she might like to go to college, and take a history class of some kind to see how she liked it, but I knew she wondered if she could actually do college work.

When we went to the club on Friday evening, all the group was there, and the old table once used by Attila and her bunch was now taken up by others. No one had heard anything as yet about what happened to Attila or Alma, or the rest of them. The only reason I could think of for caring was to avoid running into them; they still stirred an anger in me that was fierce when I thought of them.

"I have those notes for you, Cate," Ariel said, and gave me a large envelope.

"Thank you. I'll look them over carefully. Is this mine to keep?"

"Yes, I copied what we had, so that's yours to keep."

When we were home, I was anxious to see what it was that Liv had taught. It had to be something very worthwhile for Eleanore to be so impressed, as well as apparently doing so much good for Paula and Caryn, and the others being so high on Liv too.

When we could, I read through the notes, and Haley read parts at times. As we went through them, where Liv had said to compare places in the bible for proofs of what she had said, we found that it was as she said it would be in the bible. I'd never gone to church, and as far as I knew, none in my family went. Church wasn't important to us, but as I had done much research on other things, research wasn't new to me. We checked it all out comparing everything to the bible as we found the various ones on the Internet. Everything Liv had said was exactly as she said it would be in the bible—it did indeed contradict itself. The discontinuities she mentioned were there as well. All else rang true too. She must have been a marvelous lady to have known, and I found myself wishing I had known her.

Haley was as impressed with Liv as I was.

"She must have really been something. Why do some kill so many good people? From what the girls tell me, Liv was a really smart person, and put everything together so nicely for them. Caryn said Liv did get her over a huge emotional wall she had from being in her church so long and hearing the preacher. She said she didn't think of it until she knew she loved other girls, then women, and it nearly ruined her life."

"Liv must have been well loved, and truly hated by those ignorant preachers who only taught belief as Liv said Martin Luther thought, not to mention those earlier who built what we have now, and all the others as well. It sort of makes me understand more why Lanie had us to be so careful. There's a lot of silly hate in this world," I said.

"I do wish I had known Lanie too," Haley said with a sigh, but as she said it, the way she said it, I knew she meant it.

I found myself wishing they had known each other too, but then if they had, I might have been the one on the outside. That was probably true. Yes, Paula was a sweet and gorgeous girl with those beautiful eyes of hers, but Haley was too, and more—she was sexy of body in an unusual very womanly way. Only my powerful love and yearning for Lanie kept me from seeing Haley as such for a long time. Strange how circumstances could arrange our lives and none even being aware of it.

Into mid-week, Haley came to me with a soulful look on her face.

"Will I ever be able to be with you at night?" she asked.

"Have you thought about what you said with regard to what you truly wanted—the belonging thing?" I asked gently.

"Yes. I think I understand it, but I'm still thinking on it. It is difficult. All that I was taught, or I thought I was taught, looked as if it went against what you've said, and yet I sense you were right. I'm not sure yet. Can you help me more?"

"All I did was to say what you said, Haley; to make you think on it just as you said it."

"That's true. Still..."

Thinking about it, I thought that maybe the doing would be a better teacher.

"I told you that you could call me Mistress twice a day, and also tell me twice a day that you loved me. Let's try to have you to never call me Mistress at all. Not even once a week. Will you try that?"

"Yes, M—Cate, if you think it may help me. I'll do it."

"For you—do it for you, Haley."

"Yes, for me. Uh, not because you asked it of me, right?"

"Right," I said, smiling.

Through the rest of the week she did fine, enjoyed her evening at the club, but then we always did. Anise was now fully a part of their special group within a group, also loving being one of them, but they all made it so easy for her as they had for Haley, and I suspect for each other before that.

When we were home, and ready for bed, I pulled Haley to me.

"Will you sleep with me, Haley?"

Eyes wide with wonder, she nodded as if expecting that she hadn't heard right.

"I'd like for you to talk to me about what you think, if anything, about the belonging we spoke of, and maybe other things."

She nearly agreed with me as Mistress, but instantly caught herself.

"Okay, if you wish to," she said.

"I do, and I'd like to have you by my side," I told her. That brought a smile of love from her, a brightening of her dark green eyes.