All Comments on 'Fun in the Shop'

Nice! Hot and to the point.

I can tell by your writing style that you do possess potential as a writer. It's just that... you're making your characters come off extremely cheesie. It was sort of like watching a movie with bad acting. Instead of finding it arousing, I kept chuckling at everything they said, or things you described. They didn't seem like real people. It was weirdly funny, and I don't think that's what you were aiming for. I do think you should keep at it though. Everyone gets better with time.

but the dialogue is stilted and mechanical. The dialogue doesn't sound natural. If you improve your dialogue, I think people will enjoy your stories more. I'm not a fiction writer, so I don't have concrete suggestions on how to write dialogue well, but maybe start with giving each character enough of a background, so you can put yourself in their shoes, when writing their words. In this story, all 3 characters talk the same - which usually isn't the case in real life.

Got my imagination going. The only real issue I had was with the last paragraph of the first page. I'm still not sure that it is possible to be doing what Dan was doing while being pleasured at the same time. He'd have to be extremely bendy.

This was the best non-consent story I've ever read on here. Great job! Loved all the little details. I have to admit, I'm kind of wanting to get a computer job at my local mechanic shop now lol. Kudos!

..excuse the pun!

I really like the story, and love the way you imagined the events. I have to agree with a couple of the other comments, in that the way you wrote some of the dialogue could have been better, and the errors I noticed in spelling and grammar did detract a little from the story. And a little more realism and personality would also improve the feel of the story.

I would suggest editing the story to improve it- I think it would be worth it!

I can't wait to read more from you!

Not a good trip at all