GOALS, DREAMS, and LIFE

It was about 10:30 when I got back to my room. On the cab ride back, I thought about this new wrinkle that Maddie had hit me with. I was no closer to a decision and really didn't know what to do. My philosophy had always been, if you had a problem or need help go to the smartest person you could find. I decided to call my dad. Because of the time difference between Norfolk and Montana it was still early back home and he should still be awake.

Dad answered the phone on the second ring. He must have been in the kitchen because that's the location of the only phone in the house. My dad always said you could only talk on one phone at a time so why have more in the house.

He is not the most techno savvy guy in the world, so no cell phones for him. It's just as well; you can't get a signal in the Madison River Valley. Something to do with being surrounded by mountains. Dad did like email though; it saved time not having to hand write letters or notes and such.

"Hi Dad, its Drew," I said when he answered the phone.

"I know Lakota, I know your voice." Dad liked to kid me about my middle name. In our family when a child reaches 10 years, he or she could choose their own middle name. I chose Lakota to honor my mother's people, but mostly to honor my grandfather. He was a full blood Sioux and told me wonderful stories, instructed me in wilderness skills, and taught me the way of the Sioux.

"What's up boy? You don't normally call at night, so what kind of mess have you gotten yourself into?" Dad was very perceptive.

"I have a tough decision to make and just wanted to talk to you about it, Dad. Don't want you to make it for me, just help me reason things out," I told him.

"Tell me how I can help you son." My dad was done kidding me; he knew I needed his help.

"I told you guys about Maddie and me, the last few times we talked. Well something unexpected has come up and I'm not sure how to handle it," I explained.

"When is the baby due, boy?" Dad had quickly made an assumption and as usual when you do that you are wrong.

"No, No, she isn't pregnant Pop. I think I'm in love with her but she and I have a problem."

"Drew, the Lakota have a saying, "Don't ask a beaver how to be an eagle". If this is about love, I think we need to talk to an eagle. I'll get your mother on the phone," Dad told me.

Mom got on the line and after the how are you, are you eating enough, are you well, asked how she could help me. So began a 30 minute dissertation on my problem. Should I stay in the Navy? Should I get out of the Navy and come back to Montana? Should I get out of the Navy and stay with Maddie and her mother in Norfolk? Each of these options was discussed at length.

As usual, my mother cut through all the horse manure. She asked, "Do you love Maddie enough to give up your goals and dreams? The Navy has offered a new goal, but you could still live your dream after you get out. You must love her enough to be happy with her and not wonder later on if you made the right choice."

"Thanks Mom, my thoughts are clearer now. I'll call you when I've made my decision. I love you guys."

The decision was still mine to make, I had never intended for my folks to make it for me. The reason for calling them was to get an outside perspective on my problem and therefore gain a better insight. Mom had certainly given me something to think about. My mind had enough for today so I went to bed. I would attack the problem fresh tomorrow morning.

I got up the next morning and my problem hadn't gone away. It was still there. However I had a better way to examine the options now. I had just finished brushing my teeth and the rest of my morning routine when someone started pounding on my door. It had to be Chief Casey.

"Come in Chief," I yelled.

Chief Casey entered the room and asked, "How do you know it was me, Lieutenant?"

"Everyone in the free world knows how to knock on a door. You have apparently never acquired that skill, so you pound on them," I told him as I laughed. "What's up Chief? You need something?"

"Well sir, I think you are sailing in waters that are full of reefs and could use some guidance" the Chief said.

I looked at Casey and then started laughing again. "What the hell are you babbling about? I have no idea what you just said. Try it again in plain English, will ya Chief?"

Casey smiled back at me. "Lieutenant, I believe you need someone to talk to about your decision concerning re-enlistment and Maddie. I know it's really none of my business. I hope I haven't overstepped my bounds, Sir."

"Chief Casey, I have three things to say to you."

"Yes sir," he said as he snapped to attention.

"Before I start, knock off the Sir and Lieutenant crap, okay? And don't stand there at attention like a damned keedet at Annapolis. First, why should I listen to you concerning my possible re-enlistment? Second why should I listen to you about Maddie?"

"Okay Drew, this is personal so the rules about rank don't apply. As to your first question, I've been in the Navy for 23 years and can give you some idea of what it is like to be a sailor for that long. The next thing is I introduced or set you up with Maddie, so I'm sort of involved too.

"I can see your reasoning Casey. Yeah, I would like to talk to you."

"You said you had three things for me. What's number three?"

I paused for about 30 seconds and then asked, "Do you really understand all that naval talk about sailing and reefs and all that?"

It took Casey a second to get it and then we both started laughing. A good start for a serious discussion. We spent the better part of the morning discussing the pros and cons of a career in the military. I had a much better understanding after talking to Casey. We broke for lunch.

After lunch the Chief and I sat and looked at Hampton Road Bay. We continued our discussion, shifting to Maddie. I explained to Casey what Maddie had told me. I also told him about the talk with my mother.

"Your mother sounds like a smart lady. I'd like to meet her and your dad someday," Casey said. "She's right you know, regretting your choice to stay here with Maddie would destroy what love you had for each other."

"I know. I have to be sure, whatever decision I make. Talking to Mom and to you have helped to make up my mind. "

"You know what you're going to do, Drew?

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure but I want to talk to Maddie again before I make a final decision. Thanks for your help Chief."

I called Maddie and told her I would be at her house at 7:00 tomorrow night. She agreed to see me. The next evening, I rang the doorbell at 6:59. Maddie invited me in and led me into the family room. She told me that her mother had gone to a church social. The tension in the room was intense.

Maddie offered me coffee or a drink, which I turned down. "Maddie, I have thought a lot about your statement that you wouldn't leave here. You asked me, no told me that if I wanted to be with you that I had to give up the Navy and give up my dream of living at the ranch. Are you sure that's what you want? Is there any chance you might change your mind?"

She hesitated a little and said, "No, living here is what I want to do, I won't leave. I know it looks like I'm giving you an ultimatum, I didn't mean it that way. I just wanted you to know how I feel."

"I know, and I'm glad you told me. It would have been tragic to find out after I committed to you. I have three options and only one of them allows me to live on the ranch. We've talked about the ranch and how I feel about living there." I paused for a little and continued.

"My mother asked me a very good question. She wanted to know if I loved you enough to give up everything else to be with you. I've decided what I'm going to do."

"What do you want to do Drew?" Maddie wasn't sure how this was going to go.

I hesitated; this was going to be hard. "Maddie, I love you. But for most of my life, ever since I was seven or eight, I have had a dream of living and working on the family ranch. I can't give that up, not even for you."

Maddie had tears in her eyes by the time I finished.

"We would be happy for a while, but I would start to regret staying here after a few years. It would be harder on us then than it is now. So, I guess this is good bye. I hope you find someone that shares your dream Maddie."

She sat there for a minute looking sad and then responded, "I'm sorry we can't be together Drew. Thank you for being strong for the both of us. You don't have to say good bye yet. There are still have a few weeks before you leave, we could still have some good times together."

"No Maddie, it would be better to make a clean break. It's less painful that way. Thanks for your friendship and company. I hope you will be happy." I gently kissed her and left.

It was sort of ironic when you think about it. Caitlyn didn't love me enough to follow me while I was in the Navy and I didn't love Maddie enough to stay in Norfolk with her after I got out of the Navy. Life can be shitty sometimes.

A week later I notified my Captain that I wouldn't be re-enlisting. I was going home to Montana. I called my parents and let them know that I would be coming home soon. Chief Casey and I had a few beers together and I thanked him for all his help. I invited him to come to Montana and visit the ranch. Casey liked to fish and we have some of the best trout fishing in the world in the Madison River Valley.

My time was finally up. All the paper work was done and I packed everything I wanted and donated what I didn't to Goodwill. After five years in the Navy, I had surprising little to pack and take home. I had told my folks I was coming home but didn't say when. It was going to be a surprise. I didn't own a car so an airplane, bus, or train was the only way to get home. Then I had a great idea, maybe the mother of all great ideas.

The money I received from the Navy (mustering out pay) upon completion of my enlistment would be used to buy a motorcycle and ride it home. See I told you it was a great idea. What stuff I had could be shipped home. I had ridden a motorcycle all through high school and before I went to college. When I was accepted into the Navy ROTC program and started school, I sold the bike to a friend. My old bike had been a beat up Honda Shadow Spirit, but it was time to graduate to a Harley.

I had about ten days to finish up and leave. That was the amount of time I had to find and buy a Harley. A phone search was instituted as this was the best way to cover the most ground in the shortest amount of time and there are a surprising number of Harley dealers in the area. I was looking for a pre-owned Harley instead of a new one.

The new ones could run as high as $20,000 and that was stock. By the time you added some custom accessories you would be talking real money. I loved bikes, but didn't believe I loved one enough to spend all of my available funds. In my mind I had about half of that figure to use. I wanted to bring some money back home with me.

Let me add here that during my time in the Navy I had saved a substantial sum of money. I lived on base at the BOQ for about four dollars a day; I ate at the base mess, and bought almost all of the things I needed at the Naval Exchange. Not spending a lot of money on dates , drinking, and gambling enabled me to save most of my pay.

I found a used Road King with fuel injection at one of the nearby dealers. It was fully decked out and a beautiful red color. I had always ridden speedy smaller sports type bikes and this Road King was a touring bike. The asking price was a little high, but I thought I could negotiate a better price.

Up jumped Chief Casey to help out the lowly ex-Lieutenant. How he knew that I was looking for a motorcycle, I haven't any ideas. Maybe Chief Petty Officers are omnipresent and see all and hear all. I don't know but he had a deal on a bike for me.

Another chief was shipping out and had to sell his Harley, like right now. He had paid half down and financed the rest. Because of marital problems he had to get rid of the bike before he shipped out. If he didn't his soon to be ex-wife would get the motorcycle and give it to her boyfriend and the chief would rather take a loss on the bike that let the jerk that was nailing his wife get it.

Casey said I could get the bike for what the guy owed on it plus a couple of hundred dollars to the chief. Basically I would be taking over the payments and the bank would be happy. Casey and I went to look at the bike and it was love at first sight. What a magnificent machine, just the thing to ride home to Montana. The Harley was a 2005 Heritage Softail Classic with less than three thousand miles on it.

Chief Jackson, the seller, tossed me the keys and told me to ride it around for awhile. He and Casey would have a beer or two and wait for me. I had ridden the Harley for less than ten minutes and was sold. Depending on the cost, I had just bought a motorcycle. I drove back to Jackson's and parked in front of his house. He and Casey were sitting in front waiting on me.

"You're back pretty quick Lieutenant, I thought you would be gone for at least an hour," Jackson said.

"No need, if we can get together on price I'll take it. And save the Lieutenant crap, I officially got out yesterday. Call me Drew; I'm a civilian puke now. How much Chief?"

"Well Lieutenant, I mean Drew; I owe eight thousand at the bank. I would like that much plus one hundred dollars. The hundred will get me drunk for a week. What'da you say?"

"Eight thousand one hundred huh? I can't do it Jackson," I answered.

"Damn Drew I can't go any lower than that, the bank has to be paid," Jackson complained.

"No I think nine thousand is all I could spend on the bike. What'da you say Chief?" I know, why spend money I didn't have to. But Jackson was getting the shaft put to him by his wife; no need for me to pile on. Besides I was going to spend twelve thousand for a bike that wasn't as nice as this one. All that and yeah, I'm soft hearted. Maybe I was soft in the head too?

"Who taught you how to negotiate a deal, Santa Claus? You sure Drew?"

"Jackson a man with your thirst should have more than one hundred dollars to depend on. Take or leave it."

Needless to say, I rode my new bike back to my room that night. Casey followed in his car and stopped to say a final good bye. I was leaving in the morning at first light.

"That was a nice thing you did, kid. I'm proud to have served with you Lieutenant." He snapped to attention and gave me a parade ground salute. Then he slapped me on the shoulder and left. Casey never got to visit me in Montana and go fishing at the ranch.

I found out much later that he was killed in a training accident two weeks after I left. Chief Casey will be missed by the U.S. Navy, the kids he helped at the church and his multitude of friends and fellow sailors. Mostly, he will be missed by a lowly ex-Lieutenant he befriended. God Bless you Chief.

The next morning at sun up I began an epic journey home. It was epic to me if to nobody else. It is almost twenty five hundred miles to the ranch. If I rode straight through, I could make it in about thirty six hours and die when I got there.

Riding a motorcycle is not like driving a car. A bike takes a lot more out of you physically than driving a car. You have to control the bike all the time. Maybe someone conditioned for long rides could have gone non-stop, but I wasn't in that type of condition.

My plan was to put in about ten to twelve hours a day on the interstate highways and hope to get in eight hours a day once I got on the secondary roads. Plus I had to allow time for stops to look at interesting things.

If I could average five hundred miles a day, I could get there in five days. Maybe I would have to allow another day for sightseeing. A plane would have been faster, but this way I got to buy a motorcycle and I would see a lot of the interior of the U.S. Good deal all around, I thought.

It actually took me eight days to get home. I did some exploring on the back roads and ran into bad weather a few times. When it rained more than a little, I would hole up in some small town and wait it out. I didn't want to take the chance of dumping the bike, or me.

There may a prettier place to ride a bike than into the Madison River Valley, but I've never seen it. Until I do, my valley will suit my needs. I finally pulled into the drive at my home under a full moon, shut off the bike and sat there taking it all in. Sitting on my bike in front of the house killed all the second guessing I had been doing. Finally, I was back home. I felt complete and ready to start working on my dream.

I must have sat there for twenty minutes, thankful to be back. The screen door to the house banged open and my sister came shooting across the yard toward me.

"Drew, Drew," she screamed. "Mom, Dad, Drew's back home." I climbed off the bike and she jumped into my arms.

"Hello Chante, my you have grown into a woman, while I've been gone." I looked over her shoulder and saw Mom and Dad standing on the porch. They had stood in the same place and the same way when I left to report to the Navy. I sat Chante back on her feet and walked to my parents.

I stepped onto the porch and my mother said, "Tanyan yahi (welcome home) Lakota." My mother uses the people's language when things are important to her.

"Hau Huku," I replied. (Hello mother) "Hiya Pop, how you doing?"

"I see you brought me a big Harley to use to herd the horses." Dad was laughing.

The next hour was spent with my mother trying to stuff me to over full with food, me telling everyone about my trip and then explaining about the bike.

"So you bought it just to help out this Chief Jackson, did you?" My dad has a wicked sense of humor.

I thought I would rest for a couple of days and then get working on the ranch. The next morning at 0 dark thirty, my dad kicked the end of my bed. "You not on vacation boy, we've got stock to feed and chores need doing. Let's go."

Now I felt like I was really back home. Dad never cut me any slack. He always said that if you just sat and stewed about a problem two things would happen. You wouldn't solve the problem and you would get depressed. There was always too much work to do to be depressed. Dad's sort of cool sometimes.

The next month was spent getting reacquainted with all the things that have to done on a horse ranch. After dinner each evening, I had no trouble getting to sleep. Even with all the changes in my life the last couple of weeks, I was too tired to dwell on any of them. See Dad was right.

My brothers were all working in different places across the world. Hopefully they could all get home soon. The three of them had made careers for themselves outside our valley. James works as a driller on oil rigs all over the world. Brian lives in Seattle and did something with airplanes. Donovan was teaching at some upscale school in California. My sister Chante would start school at Montana State in Bozeman in the fall. That was my old school.

On a Sunday evening, Mom, Dad, Chante, and I were sitting on the porch watching the sun sink down behind the mountains. We were reminiscing about some of the people I knew from the valley, you know what were they doing, who married who, how many kids did they have, that type of thing.

"You ever hear from Caitlyn, Drew," Chante asked me. Chante had liked Caitlyn very much. Mainly because Caitlyn had listen to her when Chante talked. We brothers tended to ignore our little sister.

"I haven't talked to her since she called me to tell she had fallen in love with some guy named James. Something like that always seems to kill a relationship," I answered Chante. If I didn't know better I would say I sounded bitter.

"Still bothers you some does it boy?" Dad said. "Did you ever call her or write her to tell her or ask her to wait for a couple of years?"