All Comments on 'Her Present to Him'

I stopped reading at this point in the first paragraph. How attrocious: You should have used "We'd awakened" not the dumb thing you used. You must be writing in a language that is not your first.

Really, what was the point of that comment to me? I'm sorry if my incorrect use of the english language, which is my first, was a turn off for you. If you are looking for proper grammatical use to turn you on, then you are on the wrong site buddy. This is a place where people can share their fantasies, fetishes and desires with other people, regardless of their writing style, technique or experience. I'll check my use of subject verb agreement when I turn in a college paper. Thank you.

You have some great potential in this story. Really great potential.

There were word uses that stuck out like a sore thumb, however. These words were used improperly: contention and inconceivable.

Also, when you say that the main male character becomes subservient when he kisses a man, the next several paragraphs show him being the aggressor and physically on top of the other man, which seems to be a contradiction, (although yes, he does later become the bottom). YOu need to make a transition or explanation of some kind about how the aggression he displays is part of his subservience or change that section to SHOW the subservience.

Finally, the ending with the promise of 4 black guys on the morrow is...well, a cliche. I would ditch that idea and try for something a little more creative, perhaps with the guy they already have to hand.

If your going to write fiction at least be consistent with the names throughout the story. Half way through Hunter turns into Hunger!

Poor writing.

Read it over, or get an editor.

try another draft and it will improve.

Also has too many cliches in to make it a realistic scenario.

If someone is reading this to be a critic of the work, they're missing the point, don't you think.

Get a life, get laid, and enjoy the story for what it is...

the only change I would make is I would want the dude to do the other dude while he was inside his old ladys ass.... One

of my favorite fantasies and I am a straight woman!!!!!

Loved the story. Especially enjoyed how descriptive your characters become in expressing there sexual turn on. Each character was very clear in my imagination which made the story quite real & the potential exciting to read. As for some of your readers,are they judging a grammer contest or reading erotica?

This is a great story. I love bi stories, especially whne he is dominated like this guy was. Looking forward to the sequal with the BBC.

Mmmm, so much fun. I look forward to the 'morning'