How Did You Know? Ch. 03

I look at her and she's defiant again, shirt still open, naked as a jay bird and fire in her eyes.

"Phil, I've loved you since I moved in here."

"What?" I ask, turning to look at her.

"That very first week, the day that Beth took me on a horse ride and I fell off. You came out, picked me up and carried me into the house. The concern in your eyes, the tenderness you showed, well, I didn't know men could be that way. Over the next few months I watched how you were with Beth, and I began to love you more and more. Here was a dad that loved his daughter in the right way, and I wondered if I could ever get over what happened to me. Finally, when I went to college, I was glad to be away because I wanted so badly to be with you for the rest of my life, and I just knew that that was wrong, you had Polly for Christ's sake. I just couldn't go there, but I loved you; oh God how I loved you." She stopped for a moment, and looking at her, she still has tears running down her cheeks.

"I don't know what to say honey, God that's a truck I didn't see coming. But as far as a Dad loving his daughter, I guess I fucked that up last night huh?" I asked.

"You're wrong about that but let me say this first; my life has been pretty fucked up to this point, actually saying all this to you is good for me I suppose, I'm finally getting it off my chest, which I ain't got a lot of anyway."

"What do you mean by that?" I ask, looking at her.

She points to her breast and says. "Pretty tiny huh?"

"Come on Beck, you have a lovely body, don't start about that. You're an amazing woman, and don't you let anybody tell you differently."

"Yeah, nice tits huh?"

"Well I think so." I say and then reach out and take her hand. "Honey, I'm sorry I didn't know about your dad. I feel bad about that, but then here I sit as a dad that's done the same thing."

"Don't say that, that's not what happened here last night."

"Meaning?" I ask.

"Meaning, Beth came to you and you didn't know who it was. You didn't rape her, you didn't violate her in unspeakable terms, you two made love and it was fine until you found out who it was. That's when it went sour. That's what you have to deal with, not rape.

"Why the hell did she tell you?" I ask.

"Because she knew all about me. She also knows how I feel about you, she knows she's hurt you, and while she's not sorry she did it for her, she feels bad the way you feel about it. God Phil, I lived here for over a year, and we've always been close, even now, so back then when I finally told Beth everything about my dad, she just cried for me. I even showed her the pictures. We went out one night and burned all of them in your burn barrel because I didn't want anyone in the whole world to know what he'd done to me. Beth understood that, and has kept silent about it all these years.

"Is that why you've never married, I mean because of what your dad did?" I asked her softly.

"No, I never married because I've always been in love with you. No other man ever measured up" She replied simply.

Now I'm dumbfounded. What other surprises are lying in front of me I can't imagine 'cause I can't even begin to comprehend everything my little brain has been assaulted with in the last twenty four hours.

"Are you still unsure of men because of your dad?"

"No, the therapy finally got me out of that. It wasn't my fault mom left, it wasn't my fault dad did what he did, and it certainly wasn't my fault dad took himself out. He did that, not me. I've gotten over all the guilt shit. Took awhile, but I'm over it. Actually, truth be known; I feel sorry for my dad, he was sick and never got any help."

"What did Beth say to you about her and I?" I ask.

"She told me what she'd done, and how you'd reacted; she's devastated. You gotta know how much she loves you as a daughter, not a lover or something, she just said she'd really fucked up and she's terrified that you won't forgive her."

"And what do you think about what she did?"

"It's fucked up, but I understand it, it's just not a place she should have gone. Phil, you're a decent guy, if she'd really thought about who you are and how you are, she'd have never done it. I already told you I love you, probably for all the wrong reasons, but I do and I'm a little mad at her for what she did. I'll get over it, I love Beth too. This just isn't something that she needs to go see a shrink over. A person makes a mistake, they get forgiven, and life goes on, ya know?"

"That simple for you is it?" I ask.

"No goddamn it, it isn't simple, Freud could have a ball with what she did, but for you to forgive her, well... that's pretty simple. Sometimes people make mountains out of mole hills, and maybe you should think about it before you get your shovel out and start digging."

I think for a moment and then something comes up in my mind that I hadn't quiet gotten straight yet.

"Becky, does Beth really know how you really feel about me?" I ask softly.

"She does now. Well, she's known it for a bit. When I came back from college, I came out here and stayed for awhile, remember?"

I nod my head.

"Well, one day we're all around the pool and you're doing hamburgers on the grill. Polly and Beth are in and out of the house and I'm just sitting there looking at you. Finally Beth comes over and sits on the chaise with me and says 'He's married you know.' And I'm stunned."

"I told her to screw off, but she gets real serious and tells me to come with her, which I do. We go into her room and she turns around facing me with her hands on her hips and asks me if I'm in love with her dad. I hang my head and tell her no, but she won't buy it. Finally I do admit it, and she just hugs me and says she knows how screwed up I was and that maybe I should go back to the counselor I'd worked with when I lived here and try to get through the whole thing. She told me that loving you wasn't right and that you'd 'freak out' if you ever knew."

"Well, that's what I did; I lived here another couple of months, saw the therapist, got my career going, and finally bought my house. I learned to live with what had happened, knew I could never be with you, and hung onto every moment I was around you. When Polly died I was so torn I didn't know what to do. You treated me like a daughter, well you, and Polly both did, you're all the family I ever knew. So I did the best I could to help you and Beth through that time and decided that I'd just be here for you two. When Beth told me what she'd done, I was more worried about you than her. See, I knew it was bad, I knew how you'd feel, so I decided to bring you home, get you in bed and then go home."

"Trouble was, when I called Beth and told her you were in bed she really did want me to stay and make sure you didn't get up and hit the booze again. Phil, when Polly died you damn near drank yourself to death, do you realize that?"

I nodded, hanging my head.

"Well, Beth and I did all we could to pull you out of that haze and when you did stop the drinking we felt great. When I came into the bar I was upset because I thought you were headed into the heavy drinking again, and for all the wrong reasons."

"So anyway, I call Beth; she asks me to stay and then in a light moment says that I could be the best thing that's ever happened to you. She said that it would be good for both of us to have someone in our lives. She was excited about the thought of you and I being together, and ended up saying something like, he's a great lover too."

"Well, that's why I got into bed with you with only my panties and a shirt. I guess I did hope we'd end up doing the horizontal hula, I just never thought about all the heavy duty shit we'd get into tonight. Ya know?"

I turn directly to her then and pull her into me. She comes willingly, and I get the hug I've wanted for so long. I just hold her for a moment, kiss her hair and hug her again, then say:

"Honey let's get some sleep, I'm tired, my mind is going a million miles an hour and I just want to lay down and forget all this bullshit for a couple hours."

She pulls back, looks me in the eye, and kisses my lips with a quick little peck.

"Suits me," she says and smiles, then finishes, "Jesus Christ, lighten up, okay?"

I smile, stand up, then pull her to me. She stands there silently until I pick her up and carry her back to the bedroom. Before anything else happens, I lean to her and kiss her fully on the lips, she returns the kiss with love, not anything urgently sexual, just a nice gentle, god-do-I love-you-kiss, and then gently, ever so gently I take her shirt off and lay her down. I lay down beside her and as I turn on my side, she turns her back to me, cuddles up to my belly and sighs.

"God I love you Phil, I love you so much." She says softly and begins to cry.

This is no time to talk; it's just time to hold her, to reassure her, hell, to reassure me that the world is still round, the sun will come up in the morning, and that we'll deal with all of it when that happens. I pull her as close as I can, put my arms around her and sigh. I think tonight, well, what's left of tonight, I'm gonna sleep like a baby. And I do, actually, I think we both do, because you know what? When the phone goes off in the morning with it's shrieking ring, neither one of us has moved, she's still stuck to my belly, and I'm still loving the feeling.

"Dad?" the voice says... and it's shaky as it says it.

To Be Continued...