All Comments on 'How To Appreciate A Woman'

and well written. You had me saying, "Hmm." Especially when you mentioned NOT making her your sole focus in life. I'm learning how to do this. In every relationship I have ever had I have poured everything I am into him and changed my focus. I started doing the same thing in this one, but the difference this time is I actually saw my SO begin to withdraw. I shifted my focus. I discovered that when I am writing, or involved in my own interests, we not only have more to talk about, but he also misses me and seeks my company from time to time. If I'm always there, there's nothing to miss.

My SO and I sat down and talked a few weeks ago, like we used to talk at the beginning of the relationship (before life butted in). He helped me remember that he fell in love with ME, not someone who lived and breathed to be with him.

When I find myself shifting all my focus onto him, or becoming 'clingy', I have a mantra I say to myself. "Allow him the pleasure of coming to you." or simply, "Let him come to you." This isn't to say I withhold my affection. I show him affection when I'm feeling it for the right reasons.

Congratulations on a very straight-forward and challenging How To, S&D. People fall in love with individuals, not lapdogs. I believe that your piece will help many men (as well as women) to understand how relationships work and how to avoid unnecessary miscommunication and heartbreak.

Good luck to you.

Well written. I thought you brought up a lot of interesting, and very worthy points in your piece. Good luck with the contest.

Great common sense read, anyone who says otherwise has a lot of growing to do. Funnily, my next Lit submission starts with 'So... you want me to be a trophy' and goes downhill from there. There are lessons here I learned late in married life, this ought to be 'cumpulsory' reading for any male entering into a relationship. Good Luck.

You tend to forget the things you mentioned here after being with someone for a while. Thanks for making me remember.

Experience does not make wisdom. There is much wisdom here from experience, caring, being sensitive, looking, being oneself and most of all loving. Great stuff.

This probably comes from a 19 year old who shows his appreciation by giving women facials and begging them for anal. What crap.

This is brilliant. I think it speaks to both genders. Sounds to me like the author has a solid understanding of what really works and gives some great advice on how to make it work in relationship. On top of that it's funny and well written. And I can't count how many times a woman has told me "Nothing" when I asked what was wrong. I knew there was SOMETHING! Thanks for the advice. Good stuff.

Guys, read this and learn from it! He lists a lot of mistakes that we've all made, and they're all common sense.

I'm biased, of course, but I thought it was profound, witty, intelligent, and accurate. It moved me, it made me laugh, I felt touched in really deep places and some parts made me blush. (Did you have to tell them about the doula thing? Lapdances, fine! But the doula thing?? :) Beautiful work, I am awed by you, as always.

Your, Selena

Gentlemen (and ladies), despite previous reviews, this is NOT common sense. This is something men either are told about and find is true, or have to put together off their own beats to discover. It is not easy to be so continuously good to a woman. My woman loves me because I do these things because I figured them out the hard way. This person has figured out how to write this stuff in coherant words. Well done, sir.

You lost me at this paragraph:

Have you ever tried something like this? "It's your birthday. We're going out. Wear something dressy, black and above the knee. Pack an overnight bag with the red panties, bra and fishnets that make you wet when you wear them. Be ready by eight." Try it. Thank me later.

Yes, I've tried something like this and for my well educated, stong willed, sensible woman it doesn't work. Period. Ever.

You over generalize way too much in this article.

as Selena's article. :) This is a great counterpart, loved it. And to the guy married to Ms. Sensible down there, there are some horses you can only lead to water, I guess. I know that when my man says somethign like that, I get a thrill up my spine and we're off to the races! Love a man who isnt afraid to BE a man. Thanks for that, S&D. Your woman is very lucky.

For me, a woman, this article is, every letter, truth. This article even helped me word somethings that I felt, but had no clue why they were. Thank you so much!

..your descriptions of a typical woman are laden with cliches. Flower, weather, rainbow? Please. Tumultuous? Hard to read? Not me--he'll know how I feel; if I haven't said it, all he needs to do is ask. The person who said you over-generalize too much is right. Ditto with the "We're going here, you're wearing this" thing. Wouldn't work very well on me, unless he'd accept reciprocal treatment. And I'm not a big fan of the Harrison Ford hero-type myself. Sure, I want someone who's honest and principled and has some idea of where he's going in life--but mainly because such a person will be more likely to understand why I can't see him during finals week or three days before a big project is due.

I have been happy enough in past relationships without being treated like an unfathomable wildflower (or a manic-depressive child, whatever). My fantasies do not include being pinned to a wall and taken. I have to wonder just how many cheap romance novels you've read. Certainly, it's nice to be considered attractive by men, but for me it's much more satisfying to look at them, at their beauty. And, though it's fun either way, it's better to chase than be chased. My ideal man is indeed something of a "nice guy" type--not a doormat by any means, but somebody who knows how to yield as well as stand up for himself, who understands give-and-take. I doubt I'm the only woman out there having this reaction to your work, though from reading other reviews it appears I'm in the minority. Not sure what it is about my psychological makeup that stops your ideas from having that kind of resonance for me, from feeling true--but they don't. You've managed to leave a woman cold.

For the fellows reading it, I'd recommend being cautious about taking the advice too seriously. Take a good, long look at the individual woman you're with--particularly if you've been together awhile, you know more about her than the author of a generalized how-to, however well-intentioned. Or don't think too hard about it at all--be natural with her, if you can, have conversations, have inside jokes. Better yet, if you're not sure of something, come out and ask her. And if you find you're not genuinely interested in the response--hey, maybe she's not the one for you, and you're not the one for her.

you mentioned is probably the most important; integrity. I think that's the one-word summary. Have integrity all the way around, in being honest to her and yourself. There are always variations, but if you are honest to yourself and your life, and are also honest to her, you WILL find your way. It is good to see some advice that is not, contrary to the fluff others took too seriously, based on cliches. Sure, every woman is different, but few would disagree that being straight-forward and honest is a major issue (not to be confused with being cold or detached). I don't think anything here was overly new to me, but repetition is the key to learning, and it was good for me to see it all again. Thanks.

Your wife must be very happy she has such a smart fellow as a mate. :-) Thank you Sex&Death for the analysis. I think you're on the money about many important things here. cheers!

"Not sure what it is about my psychological makeup that stops your ideas from having that kind of resonance for me, from feeling true--but they don't. You've managed to leave a woman cold."

You don't really want to know. You just want to anonymously spout your opinion and be off. If you really wanted to know you might have at least let the article sink in and tried to understand the people (including women) who HAVE found it resonating with them. I know it definitely resonates with me and I would MUCH rather have a man who pins me to a wall than one who is going to hold my purse while we go shopping. I’ve got best girlfriends, I don’t need that in a man. But clearly you feel you do. By the way,you were already "cold."

Good luck in the contest. ;)

Not a bad article but if you tell any woman who's use to taking charge "It's your birthday. We're going out. Wear something dressy, black and above the knee. Pack an overnight bag with the red panties, bra and fishnets that make you wet when you wear them. Be ready by eight." More than likely she'll kick your ass from here to Sunday. Some women hate to be bossed around. If you want to be fair please write a companion piece called “How to Appreciate a Dominant Woman". Thanks.

Our 13-14 year marital relationship has been rocky lately and I've helped Amazon and Barnes&Nobles bottom lines with my purchase of "Rekindling..." and "Resparking" books. We've done counseling. After reading your article I feel like I've been blind and dunce for a number of years. I really thought by being accomodating that I was showing appreciation for my wife, but it's obvious over the last few years that she trust me less than she used to. Your article switch on the lights and made me re-examine my own actions (or lack of actions). Thanks again.

Your text had a lot of interesting and valid points, a lot of advice good for relationships, and life in general...

What I always see as a bit problematic are generalizations about what men or women are like, or that there might be just one way to behave towards all of them... I agreed with a lot of what you said, but there were parts I couldn't really identify myself with...

What is very true though, and valid not only for men but I think just as well with women is, that before you can be attractive to anyone, you have to know who you are and what you want, that if you need your partner to fill in for something lacking in your life, then you got it wrong... In that I agree very much with you.

I did let it sink in. It just doesn't resonate in the way the author clearly meant it to. If it resonates with you, good for you. You know what you like. I know what I like, and it happens to be something much different from what you like. This doesn't make me cold. Plenty of things make me hot (some of them admittedly strange), but it's likely the things that make me hot are not the things that make you hot, and vice versa. Very simple. Very normal. Why should I feel exactly the way you do? Why should you feel the way I do?

As for some man "carrying my purse while I shop"--first, I hate shopping. Second, you've missed my point. I never said I wanted a man with no backbone. People who give in all the time are as boring as people who never do--in general, whether they're male or female, boyfriends or friends. I recall mentioning "give-and-take".

There were even a few things I liked about the article. The emphasis on honesty and integrity--doing what you say you're going to do. The importance of knowing what you want in life. Good advice for anybody, and definitely qualities I look for in a man. I think I mentioned that also.

Despite my perhaps strongly-wordered response, I did not intend to offend you or others who found the article relevant to their lives. I only wanted to make--emphatically--the rather obvious point that not all women are the same, not all women react with recognition and relief to advice such as that given in the article. Not all men are the same either, for that matter. But that's a different story.

"I only wanted to make--emphatically--the rather obvious point that not all women are the same, not all women react with recognition and relief to advice such as that given in the article."

You made a point. It wasn't the one you wanted to make, I don't think, but you made a point. Sounds to me like you're afraid of being pigeonholed, and under that, afraid of who you are, deep down. Most women are. Hell, most men are. There's a generalization for you. Thank god someone isn't too PC to make them, and thank god this man wasn't, either. I won't hijack this nice man's essay anymore, except to say that I feel sorry for you, but not for the reasons you'll assume. All my best to you, S21K73.

It would be much easier for me to simply admit to having what seems to be the common reaction to the article. I just happen *not* to have reacted that way, and wanted to say so, however clumsily and hastily I may have done it at first. Perhaps I should have kept quiet. I'm not trying to be PC--a worthless goal, I believe. I am just being honest. If most people find the article useful, I suppose that makes it a useful article. It is also fairly well-written, and I am sure the author had good intentions; he has obviously touched many people with his words. That doesn't mean I have to react to the article in the expected way, or pretend to.

Thanks for your good wishes. I don't want to hijack the thread either, so I'll leave it alone for good now.

Man, you should seriously consider yourself to become one of the greatest helpers to all male kind in the teachings of apreciating the female race...

Good article, good theories..

Makes you wonder and almost a bit worried (if you care about the person) that you are not fulfiling all these common sense subjects.

The man who wrote this has a vast knowledge of what loving the other person means.

Nice one mate

I recently broke up with my girlfriend and was wondering why she was having so many problems trusting me. It turns out I was having problems keeping my word and showing her the path i wanted to pursue. I never saw it coming and it spiraled me off into a depresive state, which i am overcoming slowly after weeks of our not being together. Reading your article provided some much needed insight into some of my flaws when it came to showing my love for her and what i can do to get back with her..hopefully. I liked the article and was glued to my seat, i loved your examples and i thoroughly enjoyed your writing style. I wish you the best of luck, and dont let all the negative feedback discourage you I look forward to reading more of your works.

I will be honest in saying I have read up on this recently(I am 18 and in my first real relationship and came find things becomeing rather "baseline" so I have been trying to figure out why, only to figure out that I haven't been being my own person in the relationship I simpily thought if I "jumped to" anytime she would respond and love me more, well she did, for a week, but then she sorta started to retreat so I read up on some stuff and after useing some of it, our relationship has begun to be interesting again) and this is not new or anything just not widely known. Yes, I tecnicly have no experience but from observeing people for many years in this I can say that [after swallowing a bit of pride and misconseptions] this is mostly correct. Many relationships I have seen fail and or grow boreing for one or both because the guy just went along with what the girl wanted and for the life of me I couldn't figure it out. Or why girls often went for the jerks or Bad boys" first. I have now read many things and this is part of it, that they have there own life aside from the girl. I have been operating under the pertense that what she wanted was for me to be there all the time and basicly "jump to" if ever she were to need anything. Now I am not saying that some don't like that or want that sometimes, but all the time? No, not so much. And yes some women don't want to be "commanded" so perhaps you should consider, Sugesting, aibiet mysteriously, but sugesting, like "I have some things planed to do with you, for a good time be ready at 8, an above knee red dress would best be suited for our activity" By doing this you give her the "go to it" aditude but you arn't commanding her, as some are put off by that. But you are aslo giveing her the antisipation and mystery and feeling of being special because you were thinking of her and planed something. By doing so you are "commanding" her without demanding. I think that for some women commanding vs demanding can make you or break you, commanding gives you a choice, posibly a bad one, but still a choice, whereas demanding gives them no choice, like if you want me to be happy you have to. Now, I am not saying some women don't like to be demanded of but by doing this you can still "command" the women who is an individual. In short I like it, it can't work with everyone, nothing can, but if you study it with a open mind you can see a way to use this without following it to the letter. Thank you for reafirming what I have already read.

If you want to talk to me go ahead and message me at davidrovelstad@yahoo.com (this is not my name btw) I would love to know what you think about what I just wrote, I probably will never be back on here again.

It is so heartening to know that there are some men who actually care about what women think and feel. Thanks for this article, both the content and expression were beautiful.

This was a fantastic how-to! The advice was very thoughtful and easy to understand. Thanks for eloquently summarizing and confirming some of my suspicions about what women want and how to treat them as well. Definitely something every man should read!

You read my mind, no, my heart. This is what I want from my husband. Now to find the courage to send him this link. Thank you.

I look back and can totally see all of this. Great job making it simple for us stupid guys. Thank you!