I'm Drinking Doubles

"You didn't get home until about 3:00," she said. "I woke up when you dropped onto your recliner. I waited for you to come to bed and when you didn't I came out to check on you. You were out of it so I pulled off your boots and put a blanket over you."

"Thanks, but I don't believe I would have noticed if you hadn't."

"Why were you so drunk? You don't usually drink that much."

"After I saw you at Dooley's and we had our discussion; the guys brought me back here. They wouldn't take me to another bar so I walked to Jake's Bar on the corner. I really don't remember much after the first one at Jake's. I guess I'm like a homing pigeon."

"John let me explain, about last night" she began. "Nothing was going on; he is just a guy that works with Julie and me."

"Nothing going on? I saw the kiss on the cheek and the little touches and the flirting, not to mention the dancing. Nothing going on? BULLSHIT," I shouted. "BULLSHIT.

"You can't really believe I would cheat on you, can you?"

"Samantha I don't know what to believe. Our life has gone to shit. You act like you don't want to be at home with me. School two nights, Jazzercise two nights and your "socializing" every other week or so gives me that impression. On those social nights you come home later and later. Sometimes you are drunk. Our sex life has gone downhill drastically. You use the weekends to rest up for the next week; just so you can start this shit all over again. What else am I suppose to think?"

"John, please, nothing is going on. I haven't cheated on you." Samantha was crying now. She wasn't angry; she was sad and a little afraid. "You have to believe me. Maybe I did get a little too friendly with Jim, but I didn't mean anything by it."

"A little too friendly you say? I sat and watched him put his arms around you and hug you tight. I sat and watched him brush your hair away from your face and touch you. Those were the actions of two lovers, not just some guy you are friendly with. I sat and watched all you did with a guy that you forgot to tell me about. I know most of your co-workers, but you have never mentioned him. How many times have you been out with him? How many other men do you meet at Dooley's or other places?"

"Jim is the only male working in our office. I have not met with any other men. I wasn't out with him, and this was only the second time we ran into each other at Dooley's"

"Well, Jim is a lucky guy. He is the only man working with all those women and he just happened to run into you twice. What a coincidence. Well, I don't believe in coincidence".

"It's not like that John. He is just a friend and co-worker."

"Bullshit Samantha, I watched you. I sat there watching you two and thought what should I do? I confronted you, but I was so mad I was afraid I would hit you and kill that son of a bitch. That's why I left when I did. I don't want to hurt you and don't want to go to jail for killing Jim. You asked why I was drunk. That's why. It was the only way to keep from pounding that asshole into the ground."

"Please John, nothing is going on. I have never cheated on you."

"Maybe not yet, but answer this for me Samantha, if I had been with you would you have danced and behaved that way with Jim?"

Samantha hesitated for a few seconds and then hung her head. "No I wouldn't have. I might have danced but not that way and I wouldn't have allowed the hugs and such. You wouldn't have liked it all."

"Thanks for being honest at least. Can't you see? If you knew I wouldn't like it, why would you do it behind my back? I believe you had no intentions of going to bed with him, but what you did showed a lack of respect for me, our marriage, and yourself. These lies by omission are also an act of betrayal. I know your classes are important for you career, I know that the exercise is important for your self esteem and I know you want to let off a little steam to help with the stress. The problem is that you don't want to let off steam and ease all that stress with me. You've practically cut me out of your life!"

"No John, that's not true. I love you. I got into a rut and just didn't think about how I was excluding you. Please just talk with me and let's work this out. Please"

"Samantha, I love you more than anything. More than I should maybe, but I can't continue to live like this. I'm sitting here at home on your nights out, wondering if this will be the night you step over the line; if this will be the night you make out in the back seat of some car or go to bed with some dance partner. I just can't live this way and I won't. I'm not strong enough to take this. Bob will let me bunk with him for awhile until we can work out the legal angels. I'll pack my things and be out in a few minutes."

"John, no please. Stay. Things got out of hand tonight but I have never cheated on you. I would never cheat on you. I love you. I just wanted to have some fun; that's all it was. Please don't leave."

"You can have all the fun you want now. Maybe hook up with Jim or some other guy. I'm gone. Let me know what you want to do about attorneys and such. You can reach me at Bob's."

I packed my things and looked back at Samantha when I got to the door. She was sitting on the couch rocking back and forth, crying. I shouldn't have looked back. I wanted to put my arms around her, hold her, and tell her everything would be alright, but I wasn't sure that it would be. I left instead.

Four weeks have passed and I'm still at Bob's. I help with the expenses and he brings me home when I get too drunk to know what town I am in or what my name is. The first week after we split, Samantha called me four or five times. I didn't answer and erased her messages without reading them. She finally took the hint and stopped calling.

I thought about Samantha and our problems a lot. No solutions, but I did think about them. It should be easy to go on with my life without her, but there is just one little problem, I love her. I mean I love her so much it hurts when I see her around town. Why is it that women seem to handle this shit better than guys? I mean I'm a basket case and she seems normal as can be. I saw her laughing with Julie about something the other day. I don't understand, I haven't laughed or even smiled since I left.

Am I such a wuss that I can't get over her? Should I have stayed and tried to talk thru the problems? We had tried the talking before with no success. Did I leave for the right reasons? Do I have my head stuck up my ass and deserve what I am getting? All good questions, but I don't have the answers. All I have is several bottles of Jack Daniels. My work didn't suffer, but I couldn't say I was even close to being sober during this period. The supply of Jack is rapidly diminishing. I hadn't heard from or talked to Samantha for about three and a half weeks. Then fate stepped in to kick me in the ass.

Bob came home and ordered me to get out of the house and have some fun. His threat to tie me up and drag me out may have been the deciding factor. He is really pissed off at me. Grow some balls and quite feeling sorry for yourself he says. Maybe he's right. If nothing else the bar will have more Jack. The supply at home is almost gone.

So Bob, Tom and I are going out. We won't be going to Dooley's. There are too many memories there for my first time out. We made stops at several bars and ended up at Ernie's. We had hit six bars, I think, and when we got to Ernie's I was feeling no pain. I had decided that I was a wonderful guy and deserved to have another drink. Of course I was drinking doubles and my mental capacity may have been compromised. (In other words I was slurring my words, having double vision, swaying when I walked, drunk)

Ernie's is a nice bar and grill. It's much like Dooley's but on the other side of town. I was sitting at a table next to the dance floor when my world crashed down around me. There on the dance floor was Samantha with Julie and some dude.

My heart began to pound and I thought it would jump out of my body. Julie said something to her and Samantha laughed out loud. (Remember my comment about laughter and her looking normal) She didn't look normal, Samantha looked beautiful. I don't believe she had ever looked better. Of course I looked like I had died and came back to life, like one of those movie zombies. Just the way I wanted Samantha to see me. I decided if she does see me I will be laid back and cool so she won't see how much I am hurting.

I ordered another double and Bob told me I had reached my limit. "Have they run out of Jack?" I wanted to know. "Hell I can drink Jim Beam in a pinch.

"No you have had more than enough to drink and I'm cutting you off," Bob told me.

I leaned in close to Bob and said "If you don't get me a drink, I will kick you in the balls. It will make you mad and we will have a big fight. The owner will call the cops and we will be arrested and taken to jail. Do you want to spend the night in jail? GET ME A DRINK, ASSHOLE."

At that special moment between two friends, Samantha saw me, stopped dancing, stared at me, and with a little half smile started to walk across the dance floor toward me.

The guy that was dancing with Samantha and Julie pulled at her arm to keep her from coming over to me. She tried to push him off. He pulled on her again and tried to force her to stay with him. Trouble was the woman he was forcing himself on was my Samantha. Like a shot, drunk or not, I was at their side.

"You might want to let the lady go," I suggested. (Seems like old times. I have to get a new line.)

"Who the hell are you? Are you the ex husband? Well she has already left you, so stay out of it."

"I'm not the ex; we are still married asshole," I told him. That's when the fight started.

It gets a little hazy from there on. I remember hitting the guy with my right hand and then a left. A few kicks may have been administered too. I also seem to remember something with furniture. After that everything is just a blur. I woke up in my recliner. So here we are at the present.

I groaned as I got out of my chair. I looked around and Samantha was sitting on the couch looking at me. She had a look on her face I couldn't figure out. A little smile tugged at the corner of her mouth and then broke into a big grin as I sat down beside her.

"My tarnished knight protector saves me again. You really look like hell," she told me.

"You should see the other guy, I think. What is going on? Why are you here? Last thing I remember, you were trying to pull me off some guy. Is he the one that did all this damage to me?"

"No, he really didn't have much of a chance to do any damage. Aside from a couple of punches he got off, he was mainly your punching bag. You caused most of the damage to yourself. You threw some chairs and three of those big tables at him. Hit yourself in the face with that last table. Oh, by the way, Ernie said you are never to come back to his place. You tore it up pretty good."

"Back to my questions please. Who, what, why, and can I have a little hair of the dog?"

Samantha handed me a cup of coffee instead. "When Ralph (apparently that was the asshole) grabbed me and got out of line, you told him to let me go. He said something about you being the ex, and of course being the macho guy he is, refused. I thing the crack about you being my ex started the fight."

"Sorry I jumped your boyfriend. He must be alright, judging from my condition." (I wasn't really sorry).

"He isn't my boyfriend. I just met him today. Ralph is on some committee and is in town only for today. He goes back to Boston tomorrow. Julie, two other girls and their guys decided to have some dinner and a few drinks to blow off a little steam. Julie asked me to come. She said I had spent way too much time feeling sorry for myself and need to get out of the house. It was the first time I have been out socially since you left. Julie invited Ralph to come along as it would have been impolite not to ask him to join us; I guess he thought he was my date. He isn't hurt too bad, but he won't be entering any beauty contests in the near future. He is going to have a bad limp for awhile, and he won't be dancing anytime soon either. You left your mark on him. In fact you left several marks on him to be exact."

"Why are you here?"

"You weren't really hurt too bad, but you were so drunk I didn't think you could walk on your own much less drive. Bob and I brought you here, bandaged the cuts on your hand and dumped you onto your chair. We gave you a beer to keep you from drinking more Jack."

"Same question, why are you here? Maybe I should ask why I am here."

"John, the problems between us have gone on long enough. It has just mushroomed out of control. You were right about my actions not passing the husband test. I was mad because I thought you wanted to control my life and I had a lot of stress. I now realize that most of the stress was self made. I am sorry. I want to be able to pass the husband test and I want the husband to be you. Please John, come home. I miss you, I love you and I don't want to be away from you anymore. Please John."

I had been thinking the same thing; that I loved her and didn't want to be away from her any longer. I said, "We need to iron some things out, but yeah I want to come home. I love you too, and I can't see my life being any good without you."

She was smiling and crying at the same time.

"Samantha can I have another Jack? I really do need a little hair of the dog."

She just started laughing, climbed onto my lap and kissed the alcohol off my mind.

Six months have gone by and things are pretty good. Samantha finished her classes; she says no more for a while. It takes up too much home time. She still goes out socializing, but only with me. We try to get out every couple of weeks for a date night to help ease the stress that can arise in a marriage and in life. Her buddy Julie and her boyfriend join us sometimes at Dooley's. Samantha will only dance with me no matter where we are. We haven't gone back to Ernie's; I don't think I am welcome there yet. Samantha's Jazzercise has been cut down to once a week. She still wants to exercise for now, because she will have to stop soon. We are going to have a baby, due in about 7 months.

Life goes on.