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"I'm dead?"
"You are dead. Your body will be found, naked and shriveled beside your violin."
"Oh."
"And I did not lie. I said you could have the girl. You had her. You were her. All promised is given. Life is unfair."
Faint, faltering images of a new sunrise appear, breaking over the village below. I see through her eyes.
I dread.
- COMMENTS
TamLin01almost 10 years agoWell, this has a stronger and more consistent voice and tone than a lot of stories of the same stripe, but I find myself puzzled by it. Succubi seem to operate off of very elaborate, seemingly arbitrary rules.
"'You can leave here as the girl's double. Sadly, you must then hunt her down.'" Well why? This strikes me as rather odd. I suppose this poses a moral dilemma for the character, but it's one that's never going to pay off. If the intent is simply to provide leverage so that the succubus can force herself on him then surely there are more straightforward ways to accomplish that? I mean honestly, what's stopping her as it is?
I also don't think you need the last-minute infodump. "'You have gifted me the ultimate favor. Let me tell you what I am.'" How about you not? The reader already knows. These are words a bit wasted affirming what he already figured out back when the story began. Generally speaking this is reasonably good story in terms of style, but the plot seems like a great many odds and ends.
