All Comments on 'John and Marsha'

Congratulations on posting your first story.

With that said, please find an editior to help you make your next story, or even re-write this one, so that it turns our better. There are way too many misspelled and mis-used words in your story, the most obvious of which is the use of organism in place of orgasm. Also, your tense, past or current, is often wrong, and you have a story which is made up almost entirely of paragraphs that run together.

The good news is a decent editor can help fix all of these things rather easily.

It also seems like english might not be your first language. This should not be held against you, but once again, a decent editor can go a long ways to helping you write a much better story.

Keep trying.

Compleeter

as someone else said, you need an editor or a proof reader to fix the errors in it.

That said, I liked the story quite a bit.

Please write some more.

It is so bad that there is no point in dissecting the plot, characters, scenes, dialogues or overall writing.

her back for the sex. He had no love left for her. And you really need an editor, you left out at least a half dozen words along with all the miss spelled words. 1* for effort.

dry and dull story. Your characters had no real feel to them. They were just there with no heart in them. It stilted and boring to read. And the caracters need more back ground so we can get a better idea of who they are. You also do need to get an editor as other have said.

Take your time with your next one and slow down the pace. Thanks for sharing and I will be looking for your next one.

You will probably get hammered for your characters reconciling but I felt it was a bold effort. I don't usually care for this type of plot line but for some reason it didn't bother me this time. I have to think that the love/lust their marriage started with morphed over time into a love/comfort type of relationship. This can be seen from couples that have lasted 25+ years. I think can explain how easy it was for the affair to begin, her initial feeling once caught and served, and how easy it was for him to forgive and forget. The depth of development was lacking but not everyone works for that. I have to agree that the writing errors are annoying, especially since there are do many members who would be glad to edit a story for you. To me, that is a lack of respect for anyone you expect to read your story. It doesn't make someone a grammar "nazi" to expect and appreciate the basics.

Is english your second language? If so,find someone fluent to check your grammar.

A good read spoilt by poor spelling.

but so poor that it doesn't deserve much.

Seriously? "A Hormone imbalance"?

That idea has been used so often it is really boring. As a new writer you might want to try a slightly different angle to your stories. As for the story itself? The wife was having sex with Andrew 4 or 5 times a week, and the husband took her back? if I was a salesman and saw the husband walk into my shop I would convince him to buy the most expensive most crapiest product in the shop, one that would break down the next day and the husband would think he was getting a good deal, I know this is fiction but try next time to make it slightly more believeable.

and their dialogue. TK U MLJ LV NV

I'm also wondering if English is a second language, please get an editor. I'm also wondering why the 'hormonal imbalance' was used, it's been used too often, you need to come up with something else. It was a good try, but I will say it again, if you continue to write, please get an editor. Sometimes it makes me wonder why some of my favourite writers on this site have their stories rejected a few times before it's acceptable, then this sort of writing gets through.

Just a minor variation of wimp cuckold husband tale. No "teeth" in this tale.

Aside from the need for an editor (I won't go into that, since that has been thoroughly documented), your story read like a police report (just the facts). There was no emotion. All the characters were very flat and lifeless. Even accountants have feelings (somewhere) so let us feel them, let us identify with them.

Oh, I do have to clobber you about Marsha's job title: it's Administrative Assistant not "administrated assistance".

Okay, so you're now wading through all sorts of comments telling you to get an editor, to beef-up your story lines (you know, add detail, emotion, additional sub-plots and subtext to your work). What you haven't gotten a lot of, however, is people telling you that you did the hardest part - you actually put your words out there for others to read...and to judge.

So with that in mind, congratulations on posting your story. You've definitely got potential and, with the help of a good editor, I'd enjoy watching you grow as an author.

The story was a good try, as I am well aware that it is one thing to critique another's writing and a different matter altogether to write a story of your own. I have not as yet built up sufficient courage to try my own hand at it but hope springs eternal.

First off, the story should have been seen by an editor. The errors in the story were legion, everything from spelling to basic sentence structure. Also, many areas in the story were weak because the characters were not using dialogue. All these things made the effort look amateurish at best, and it became difficult to invest in the story. The site offers editors, and one of them could have dealt with the above problems making your story at least grammatically correct.

Now we must handle the plot, the conflict, and the resolution of the story. I realize that there are mixed feelings as to the subject of reconciliation after infidelity which is more than understandable. Having said that, I feel that this husband is not only the most forgiving person I've yet encountered in fiction but that he is possibly the most clueless as well. This woman is, after all, barely making any effort to hide her illicit activity. Her disrespect and contempt for her husband is a tangible thing, and we are to buy the notion that this is all due to a hormone imbalance? These factors, coupled with the length and frequency of the trysts with the supervisor make a reconciliation story a bit hard to swallow in this instance. We must also note the lack of realism in the fact that the husband is making love to this wretched creature as if nothing happened, not a hint of self doubt or erectile dysfunction. No, I just can't wrap my mind around the whole thing, even allowing for the exigencies of romantic fiction.

I hope the criticism I have offered is taken in the constructive light it was offered. You have the basis for good writing. With some more effort, some editing, and a little more realistic and well thought out plot you have great potential.

WARNING: Just Another Male Bashing,British/Cuck/ Bitch Writer.

Runaway, Runaway, Runaway!

. . . would be generous! The attrocities committed on the English language are worse than a second grade child would make. As far as story line is concerned, trite and badly lifted from the work of others comes readily to mind. I think this is the first time I have ever assigned a one rating.

Read the helpful comments carefully and learn from them. Ignore the comments from those with preexisting relationship problems. Writing is improved by writing.

1) Editor. 2) More dialogue. 3) More emotion. 4) More credibility. 5) Keep trying. Thanks for writing.

it wasn't to bad, I am also bad at spelling and editing. I have a great editor. Also I am on of the BTB group, atleast give the husbad some balls.3*

Get your English dictionary out and look up the difference between "to" and "too".

I don't know where you are from because you didn't fill out your biography, but here in the U.S. a doctor cannot discuss a patient with a third party without their written consent. Even then, it is on a need-to-know basis.

In one place you mixed Marsha's and John's names. Made for very confusing reading. Like writing BLACK when you meant WHITE.

Finally, these characters could not have been real, in our wildest imagination. Even teenagers don't act that crazy. Fiction must have some link to reality, even Sci-Fi. These were two people who were plain nuts. No amount of editing and re-writing can make this story worthwhile. The basic plot just has no realism in it -- or originality.

This is not a site that caters to professional writers! As such, I don't expect a professional level of grammar and spelling. Although standard (notice I don't say 'proper') spelling and grammar make for easier reading, minor mistakes are tolerable to me if the meaning is understandable.

There is a little fascist yearning to get out in all of us and, from many of the comments made on this site, one of the ways the little fascist makes an appearance is when the grammar and spelling police show up! lol

Oliver,

You'll get better. Most of the writers around here get hammered to a greater or lesser degree. Sometimes it's actually cathartic to read the downer comments. You really do need an editor, or at least a careful rewriting methodology. When I write I find it necessary to go over every paragraph, every line, several times.

All of that said. Your writing would benefit, in my opinion, by doing three pretty simple things--though in reality writing is never easy.

1) Avoid lengthy paragraphs; they're killers.

2) Let the characters tell the story, not the narrator, i.e., use mostly dialogue; it's harder but infinitely better.

3) Employ conflicts with teeth; always create high levels of emotion to the degree possible.

When I saw your story and started to read it, I felt at first that you had a good one going. Then, it kinda slowed down and lost me. I am one of the RAAC brigade, so I am told. So, apparently are you. Hang in there. You'll get better.

Best of luck,

Matt Moreau

good plot, nice story. Hope you continue, I like the story.

You need to get a command of words and spelling. How many husbands visit a theorist? English may not be your first language and an editor would help tremendously. The dialogue did not exist. Was there a single quotation mark?

Oliver needs help with english and word usage; a good editor will help with those two issues. A more relaxed style and dialogue will will improve future stories.

Good idea for a story but you really need to work on your composition. Poor sentence structure and no real dialog make this a story I just could not read and enjoy.

really liked this, for a first submission, it was better than most. Okay, there were spelling and grammar issues, but hey, we aint all masters of English. Keep on writing

Thanks for the Wimp Ass Castrated Cuckold story. NOT! Isn't there any writers out there with their balls still in place? PLEASE?

The story read like an incomplete outline. There's loads of room for some dialog that would really flesh out the story.

<P>

I strongly recommend an editor. It seems that English is not your primary language. There were some awkward sentences and quite a few inappropriate words and misspellings. Unfortunately my interest shifted from the plot and characters in the story to an attempt at deducing your primary language.

<P>

Please try again.

I loved the part about having "organisms."

Please, don't write anymore. This was painful.

And .... poorly written. Puke!

Keep writing. Good story. Needs some editing. But good concept

Not a bad try. I liked the idea of the his and hers portion but I am not a fan of the revenge divorce outline story genre. Although I am also not a fan of the homo-erotic cuck stories either. Interesting point though the commentor Rephil who bashed your story favoured it. Wonder whose really living in his closet wondering where his balls are?

Good effort add dialogue.

With whose money did she buy him the car with, she is a teller in a bank. The story is a bit silly and if he could forgive her after what she said and done she may as well keep doing other men because because he will always find a reason to forgive her.

But this time get an editor. This was painful.

keep writing ,you have possibilities,. she cheated he forgave it worked out.. for the other comment he divorced she got a settlement, plus her earnings , she could have used to get the vet

You hit a lot of the LW themes with this one: stale marriage, seduction of wife by slick new man, discovery, suprise divorce papers, regret, request for and granting of forgiveness, reconciliation. However, the story pace was rushed and there lacked anything particularly new or interesting. Also, you REALLY need to use an editor. The grammar, spelling and punctuation errors were legion. That fact that you put out a complete story (rushed though it was) was good. I hope you continue to write, but that you take advantage of an editor and let your creativity flow.

what the one day meant was she suddenly realized her job would be gone, her lover gone, and meal ticket gone and she needed it back. Now explain again to me how hormone imbalance and fear of authority figures makes you lose your morals, makes you cheat on your marriage, makes you disrespect your husband, and basically tell yourself the person you love is no longer important to you. And how after one day of being caught you suddenly suspect this and contact your doctor and a therapist. Get real hormone imbalances dont change your abilty to think or reason. They dont suddenly make you disrespect and unlove your spouse. And the suddenly dont make you quit having sex with your spouse and suddenly have sex with someone else. Pure BS! The woman cheats without any real remorse and with direct acceptance, she has cheated before she will again but will be more careful in the future. Why take in used garbage. And the medical testing, for hiv after six months to a year of testing negative maybe has sex with her. After all she is just a whore as she was at her work. Back together again, in your dreams baby.

I feel you made a plausable story which had its moments. An excellent first effort but an editor would have made the elements flow better. Looking forward to furture postings.

the poor writing, the ignorance of the meaning of words, the lack of dialog,

WHERE WAS ANY SORT OF PLOT WORTH READING! This was just a mundane, dull, boring, unoriginal rip off of a thousand other stories written on this site. And a poor imitation at that.

So why are readers giving this guy encouragement to write more? No wonder so many of the stories on this site have become pure dreck — tell this guy the truth — you're not a particularly good writer, and you lack story-telling abilities or imagination.

The plot line is good. I actually liked that it took a while for Marsha to feel the impact of what she had been doing. I found many simple gramatical errors. You need an editor, or, you at least need to let the writing sit for a few weeks and then re-read it for errors. Your dialog needs to be written out, and not paraphrased. Please continue to write, because you will improve.

I enjoyed your story. Maybe it is because I am a romantic.

Every thing is not black or white. Every one has problems or makes mistakes. Some stories want to be macho, but their

is no love there, just ownership. I enjoy happy endings. There is nothing that can't be settled with communication, truthfulness, and love. I wish I had my wife back so I could

talk to her. She died this past year. Write happy ending stories, every one needs encouragement and hope. Thanks for the story. It would make it easier to read with a little editing. Another happy ending story please or a series.

SHE SHOULD PAY MORE . TOO MUCH IS FORGIVEN DUE TO THE "WHOREMONE IMBALANCE BULLSHIT" FORGIVE YES AFTER A GOOD BEATING WITH A LEATHER STRAP PLUS THE OTHER SEXUAL DEGRADATION SHE AND HER ILK SO RICHLY DESERVE. AND THEN ONLY THEN TRUST BUT VERIFY.

if you get all the misused words corrected. I did not notice anything misspelled, just words that were wrong for the context they were used; or the wrong form of a word like "fiftyish birthday.

That would be more easily expressed as 50th. I would bet there are 40 to 50 words used incorectly.

Good idea for the story, it just needs polishing.

For your first entry, and in the ever volatile LW too. You are very brave.

As others have said it needed better structuring.

Although she cheated, you made it human enough for them to get back together. Perhaps a little deeper on the imbalance, and her 'submissive' behavior may have helped the believability factor for some.

Thank you!

The concept behind the scenario is pretty good. It is standard stuff but that doesn't make it bad. However, this story read like an outline for a complete story. I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing in a first effort. It just needs to be fleshed out. As an outline, it is pretty indistinguishable from a few thousand other stories already posted on Lit. in the Loving Wives section.

To me the best way to "flesh out a story" is to put in dialogue between the principal antagonists. It builds tension. It makes the characters credible. And it gives the readers a chance to pick someone in the story to like and someone to dislike. Dialogue helps distinguish the story from all of the others already written and posted.

This is not meant as a crticism so much as it is an observation. Look forward to your next story. Thanks for sharing this one.

MissouriUSA

An editor should be used to catch the "here and there" mistakes, not to give the writer a crash course in Writing 101. This thing is filled with run-on sentences, inconsistent tense, poor to almost non-existent punctuation. I gave up at the end of the first page. If you can't be bothered to learn the basic, I don't care it this is your first story. That's like trying to design a building without learning basic drawing techniques.

but I cannot come up with anything else nice to say about this piece. The worst sin is probably the run-on sentences, but there are many other errors.

I am lucky because my poor English knowledge I can read same joy the low langeuge level and high lageuge level stories. I could cocentrate the plot.

FiIRST I DO NOT WANT YOU OFFEND, I want to help a little.

I think a better writer like KK., Matt M. or Papatoad (Yes he wrote 1 excellent beleivable reconcilation story "Telephone Blitz"), they write a longer time when the pairs went apart (or divorce) and the reconcilation story lasts on longer pages.

BTW I gave you 5 stars because your story is better than 80% of the stories here.

And get an editor. You will get far fewer nasty comments that way. The story line had potential, but was too rushed for comfort. Same with the "dialog". Keep writing, you'll get it.

But you need to proof read many times, put it aside for a while and then rewrite!

Yes use your remembrance of the original generate the second edition. Perhaps by the time you have reached the third edition it would be worth calling in an editor.

I get the feeling that you wrote the story in another language and then substituted the words using a Your Language to English Dictionary.

Why didn't he take up their divorced friend on her invitation to at least see if he was a victim of sex starvation? Remember he had not gotten any for four months when the story started.... Personally I found our hero a bit insensitive to how she treated him.

A good editor will help you with a lot more than just spelling and a little grammar. A good one can help you learn to organize the story so that it can be told. If that's Writing 101, then find an editor that will do that for you. The only way to learn to write is the WRITE. So consider all the advice you have received so far. Incorporate what you can into the next story. Learn some more. Write some more. Bit by bit you will have what you need to tell your stories.

With all the grammar errors and run on sentences, this was just too hard to follow. It might have been a good story but I'll never know. GET AN EDITOR!!!!

Quite franklythe story sucked. No man I know would take a cheating whore back that refused him sex for four months while letting another man fill her slutty fuck hole with his sperm 3-4 times a week. At the very least he should have made the skanky whore watch as he made love to and fucked the shit out of a younger, more beautiful, sexier woman in all of her holes. Then, the bitch would have had to suck his sperm out of the other womans ass and pussy, the clean the other womans feces and pussy juice off of his cock. After she was done doing that kick the slut to hte curb.

Other posters have already made corrective comments-so let me say you put together a nice outline and the plot had a solid base. I would have liked to see more talking between the characters to move the story along. Look forward to more of your work.

Read the comments about the writing and the need of an editor and forget the rest. As soon as you go for a reconciliation, you will have people hammering at your story, mostly from people that have been hurt by cheating spouse - which is understandable - but you have to focus elsewhere. Goos luck on your next one.

To these assholes, this is a short story--give it up jerks it is a story--IT WAS GOOG__FUCK YOU SORRY ASS PUKES

It isn't the writing, it's the rewriting.

I would suggest that you get a list of the most common homonym mistakes and put it on your desk above your writing place.

Also try to read your story our loud through one of the run throughs. If you find yourself gasping for breath before you finish the sentence or paragraph, that might tell you something. My brain needs to breath regularly too.

Everyone will tell you to use a spell checker. I say to fear the spell checker. If you are not sure of the word you are trying to use, a spell checker will trip you up every time. So if you are spell checking it, also look it up in a frigging dictionary (see organism/orgasm; to, two, too). You cannot spell check swiftly. It needs to be a deliberate process.

Strunk and White's 'Elements of Style' is short, pithy and very informative as a good starting place for a writing style. And it's free on the web. In fact, look under "Writer's Resources' where they have a number of helpful sites and suggestions.

Everyone started somewhere.

Enjoyable read and a nice happy ending.

You want more than that?

Loved the switching back and forth...you created a gentle rhythmn that resulted in a very enjoyable reading experience Oliver1959. Further, I liked the logical serenity of what occurred. The reconciliation was believable and heartwarming. Well done! Thank you for sharing your writing talents with me.

Good start for your first story. The premise was interesting and the back and forth was a nice touch.

I would suggest working with someone to edit future stories before posting, as the errors did detract a bit.

All-in-all a good start!!!! Thank you for submitting it!!!

A nice and well put together story. The ending was fitting for the characters and was very believable.

Just a very nice read, thanks.

The story starts quite good but there is too much description without conversation. I lost interest in the story about 1/2 way on the first page. A little conversation along with your style would have made this quite a powerfully erotic story.

This story really needs a lot of editing. The numerous errors distracted from what otherwise would have been a good read. Thanks for your effort though.

Brilliant story? I loved the story? This story was a very good story. I had several wanks to this story whilst I wanked off to this story. Did I? Oh yes I did. And you can tell that limpdicked cuckold I'll meet him behind the bike shed at recess. Have I told you that? Its a good story? Well then.

You are a strange unstable person aren't you? do you get let out on day release? Or have you escaped? The lunatic Asylum is probably looking for you, you should really check in with them and ask to see your shrink again, he is failing to stop your obssesive compulsive behaviour and your fixation with someone you know nothing about and your anger issues are getting out of hand again. If you are going to jerk off to these stories do so but stop crying about other peoples comments, you have your opinion and almost every body else has theirs, so what is the problem? As for meeting behind the bike shed? do you have bike sheds where you come from? I don't knwo how old you are but it's been a long time since I was at school so why not act like an adult and not a spoiled child that isn't getting it's way? oh and if you think you can scare me away or frighten me off with your stupid insane comments? trust me my unstable friend I am going nowhere, I will keep writing the comments I want to write and write the stories i want to write and there is NOTHING you can do about it. So go back to the Asylum where you belong and as I said ask your shrink to improve his treatment or you or give you stronger meds, you probably need both.

Sorry Oliver1959 I am sorry that such a person has left such a coment on your story, in my view your story was okay not how I would write it, but that isn't important is it? You write the story you want to write, unlike the person that left the last comment at least you have written a story the last commatator would have a clue how to string a paragraph together.

JD

A good story, and almost well done (you need a proofreader or 2... so you only get a 3).

I think you missed a chance to have the Marsha suffer when she finds out John took advantage of his old girlfriend's offer and gained enough confidence to deal with Marsha. As it is ... Marsha cheats, John takes her back and looks like a wimp.

Once in a while I can forgive reconciliation. I liked the story even with mistakes abound. The characters needed a lot more to make them feel real, although part of that might have been the mechanical feel to the writing. A good editor, if you can find one,(having issues with editors at the moment sorry) could have fixed the errata. 3* could have been 4.

The story was good but like others have pointed out it had errors. Keep at it.

Hard to follow, rambling, and at times, silly. You need an editor in the worst way.

What is a "theorist" - as in Marsha's theorist? Don't give up your truck driving day job.

Far too many spelling mistakes to count.

If only every cheating spouse knew that all they had to do was say they have a chemical/hormonal unbalance and we could cut the divorce rate in half!

John seems dead set on a divorce but all it takes is for Marsha to let him give her a fuck and suddenly all is forgiven by not just him but by both children as well great writing(note sarcasm)

without dialogue you need strong narrative, keep trying and get an editor

While I agree that the writer badly needs an editor, I feel he shows a pretty good understanding of the challenges faced by many women in the workplace, particularly when the woman may be faced with the problems of menopause on top of the work problems. A good story thatneeds polish

Looking forward to your next Story

Or maybe the husband is. How deep does the cut have to go before you really take notice. She cheated, strike one. She lied and cut him off, strike two. By having to "remove her things for the appartment" she is says is was living with him parttime, strike three. And let's don't forget the bad mouthing, both audio and video, strike four. But worst of all, she wasn't upset at being found out. Which strike does that bring us up to? But then again, if the husband as no self worth, self esteem, or balls to stand up for himself, what can you expect him.

This story is just runny dog shit. The writing sucked and so did the plot. All a dirty cheating slut needs is to claim a hormone imbalance and get a therapist or theorist to tell her husband it wasn't her fault and he'll take her back.

I would say that John just pussyed himself out and gave the slut a free ride. No recriminations and no retribution. The old friend Mary was perfect but he just pussyed out Only a matter of time until she fucks around again. .

Having said that, I think this is a genuinely promising beginning of a good story. I liked the premise and the characters. I also think you created some intrigue by the motivations for the wife's infidelity. There will be plenty of readers who will be appalled by her casual long-term affair after 25 years of happy marriage. There will be guys tired of hearing that hormone imbalance offers woman a free pass for cheating & lying. And of course, others will be torn as to why women have difficulty staying committed to their marriages when also involved in a career.

I believe that the questionable motivations & her initial indifference were cunning devices to draw the readers in. Good job with the outline, embellish & dialogue your way into a story.

Great promise No delivery

Perfectly written Wimp Ass Castrated Cuckold story. Just love to laugh at these weenie men and their subserviance. Keep writing and we will keep enjoying them and the laughter! Thanks for sharing

the sicker i got.

NOT. Really, hormones. Why does it seem that women can blame cheating on hormones? And hubby taking her back. Wimp is too mild to describe him. Wish writers would put at the start if it is going to be a piece of crap like this.

crap crap and bullshit on the side. wimp story - is there any way to give it a minus?

I guess there are "John's" out there in the world. So while I don't care for the end...some do end that way.

Terrible story made worse by incorrect word usage.

It is nice to read a reconciliation study every once in a while. The "slash-and-burn" revenge or "throw the bitch out" stories get old. The premise is not unreasonable since hormonal changes do affect behavior, especially sexual behavior. However, citing hormonal changes as the cause of bad behavior could easily become a cliche. Good story.

I enjoyed the story and didn't mind that they "made-up". Not all cheaters cause breakups. But something about your writing "style" made for a less-than-enjoyable read than it should have been. Since I can hardly write a decent comment, I can only suggest an editor? Maybe that would make the story flow better. Good effort.

I didn't care for the psychology of the story. A selfish bitch is a selfish bitch. The husband was able to fool himself, but no one else. Yuck. Start over, no need to marry, he already had his kids.

Proof read your copy. Your spelling is terrible - try spell check. Your grammar and punctuation are also terrible - get an editor. Other than that, not bad. Keep at it.

You need an editor and you need to write more. Most writers get better with practice. Try more dialogue. Don't be so linear (he went, she said, they met, etc.). Be a storyteller, not a newspaper reporter. People don't read fiction for facts (although there is often more reality in fiction than in non-fiction). People want drama, emotions, pain, anger, sadness, rage. They don't want a Wikipedia article.

Keep trying.

This story should never have seen the light of day. It is an affront to the English language and an insult to readers here at Literotica. The violations of grammar are too numerous to catalogue. Misspellings abound. Through is not an acceptable spelling for thought or though. Please author, if you are going to to the effort to write a story take the time to proof read what you have written and then have one or two outsiders read it too. It is sometimes difficult for an author to see every error he or she has made. Use an editor.

This is 10 times better than any of the gay putrid trash you call a story, get a clue fag.

Minimal dialogue. All descriptives. Lack of quotation marks. Get an editor!

Orgasm/organism was distracting. But the one I REALLY liked the best was when you said: instead of therapist, you called her a theorist. That got me laughing out loud.

CORRECT SPELLING, THERAPIST, THOUGHT,FIFTHIEST,ETC!

It's funny. Many new writers use only short sentences. One after another. You use long sentences with lots of ands and never see a need to start a new sentence while the old one is still going even though it might be time to start a new thought and stop the old sentence.

Maybe there's a happy medium in there someplace.

But it all seemed so cut and dried. Blah, blah, this happened. Blah, blah, that happened. One plus one is two. It just didn't have any emotion to it. Like I said - not bad, but even dry toast is better with butter.

You write like a sixth grader using wrong words and sentences that run on and on. This is a first draft at best, not a finished story. I'm giving two stars. That's more than it's worth.