Just a Good Ole Boy

Time went by. I learned about dee-vorces. I learned about custody of young uns. I learned all bout the dee-vision of assets. Ya know, that should be all there is to it, dee-vidin the assets. She don't want me no more, she can divide her ass from mine and set it over yonder't Charlie's house. All this whoo haa involving judges and lawyers, 'n her wantin' me to give up my momma an daddy's house fer her 'n her lover to set up house in as Charlie's con-Q-bine is jes a load a...oops. Sorry Momma, I almost said a curse. Anyway, then I'm s'posed to pay her ally-mony so he an' that Yankee lunkhead kin live together on my nickel in my house and doin the deed in my bed well they jes gotta nuther thing comin' to em y'all. I weren't born slow, I jes speak slow. I mean "slowly." See Miz Egge, a proper adverb. I done learned my grammar too.

I refused to meet anyone connected to the proceedings, and didnt sign or answer any of their fancy letters I had to sign fer. Imagine how that must'a got their goat, they paid good money ta send an ordinary letter 'n I still didn't answer. That's probly one a the reasons the whole legal system costs too much. Fer that matter, since the whole goverment is made up of fools what send a two dollar letter to be ignored when a fifty cent letter can git ignored jes as well is probly the entire reason I pay half my paycheck in taxes.

Still, ya can't put things off ferever, 'n the day finally come ta see the judge. I figgered SueAnn was gonna show up dress to kill. Not cause she wanted me to see what I'd be missin, or cause she wants't distract me. I jes know SueAnn, 'n she dresses up anytime she goes out. Today was gonna be her show, so it figgered she was gonna dress to be the center of attention. She didn't disappoint. Lordy that woman looked beautiful. Hair all purty 'n her face lookin' like it belonged in one'a them soap commercials where ever thing is clean and bright.

It was my show too, though I reckon. I only had one suit. I wore it fer our wedding. I wore it to church every Sunday. I wore it to dressy family occasions.

"I'm wearin' it today," I told myself. "An I'm wearin that fancy Ralph Low-ren tie she bought me cause it brings out the blue in my eyes. An I'm wearing that there fancy cologne she bought me cause she said it smells like sex in a bottle. I got me a fancy leather portfolio to hold my papers. And I bough me some shiny new shoes. Then I put on her Daddy's watch."

Her Daddy liked me. When we got married, he dropped by my house to say hi. He asked me one more time if I planned to love his little girl and make her happy. When I said I would, he asked me if I truly believed his daughter loved me, and that I'd be happy all my life with her. When I said I did, he told me he was glad, and that he knew his daughter had a good man. Then he took this watch off his wrist and gave it to me.

"Granddaddy gave me this watch when I married SueAnn's momma. He bought it to wear on his wedding day. I don't have any sons, Joe, and this watch needs to be passed on. I could wait for you to give me a grandson, but I'm giving it to you now, because I know you're the best thing that could ever happen to SueAnn. I have faith in you son, more than I have in SueAnn. She's flighty boy. She's fickle about everything, and I don't want to see her go bad on you. So watch your back boy. Keep her interested, and keep her busy so she stays out of trouble. Now take this watch as a symbol of my faith in you."

SueAnn knew about the watch and what it meant. She would know the suit, the cologne, and everything else. And I wasn't finished yet. I came to play.

Our pre trial hearing was first thing in the morning. Daisy's Cafe was a favorite breakfast spot in town, and no self respecting citizen ever went near the place in the morning. Since it was right across from the courthouse, I figgered Daisy would probly be there in the morning. So I sauntered right in like I owned the place, and while the bells on the doors was still a jingling I let out with a hearty "Morning' y'all! Where's the prettiest li'l ole biscuit chef this side'a Charestown!?"

Now don't go thinkin' that were anything special, I walked in every day just the same way, flirtin' up a storm with Daisy Jean Carson, the boss. And she responded the she way she did every day: "why you sweet talkin' schmooze, don't think that's gonna get you any special treatment. You come n here wearin' that after shave makin' you smell like somethi' I wanna take home and lock up where I can keep ya to myself, jes ta git a free biscuit or too. I may be crazy bout'cha boy, but ya pay for your biscuits like everyone else."

"Alright sweetheart, no need to get so mean about it. Seeins I gots to pay fer em, I'll only have 6 of them biscuits instead of seven. Gimme a side of bacon with that and I'll take my coffee black."

"You'll take yer coffee like ever one else, with milk 'n sugar, a la Daisy's. 'N you ain't havin' more'n two biscuits, jes like every one else. I don't wanna go explainin' to SueAnn why you're gettin' so fat...oh Joe, I'm so sorry." She looked back to Sue Ann's booth where my lovely ex-wife had her head in her hands. "Oh damn, I really put my foot in it this time. SueAnn, no. Don't leave on account of my big mouth. I didn't mean to stir up a hornets nest with y'all, 'specially today."

I let the expression on my face fall, and I turned on the bar stool looking down at my perfect cup'a black coffee which Daisy had poured, but not treated with her customary dose of cream and sugar, as SueAnn, Good Time Charlie, 'n some ruddy daddy in a suit what I assumed to be her legal eagle slipped quietly out the door without paying. I'm sure SueAnn was totally embarrassed by the exchange, as Daisy's gaff kinda repersented everone in town's mind that she and I were the perfect couple. To have that voiced so perfectly in front of a cafe full of her neighbors and witnessed by Charlie and the legal department of Snap, Crackle 'n Pop just couldn't of been scripted better.

"Joe Joe, I'm really sorry. Seems I really upset SueAnn pretty bad too. She even left without paying. I think..."

"Daisy! It's just Joe. Joe once. No doubly talking Joe Joe. 'N before you go 'n get..."

"Damn it boy, ain't no native of these here parts I don't call by 't least two names, so you can't be in my place 'nless I got something' t'add to Joe!"

"Darlin then. You kin call me Darlin'"

" Joe Darling'...has a nice sound. Ok, Joe Darlin' it is." She reached out her hand and placed it on mine. "Really Joe, breakfast is on the house. I'm really sorry."

"Nah Daisy. Here's fer my breakfast, and enough what ought ta cover SueAnn 'n her guests too. I can't let you take the hit cause I couldn't control my woman. Besides, this may be the last time I get to buy her a meal."

"Girl's gone plumb crazy, Joe J...I mean Darlin'. Don't you fret about it though. She's always been a bit loopy, and you're more than just a good customer, I've known you all my life. I care 'bout you. Now I'm gonna tell you a secret. I call you all kinds of crazy things here when we're playin' around, you know with our customer to waitress flirting. But you know how I really think of you? I think of you as the one that got away. Just don't tell Ralphie. He didn't get away, and I plan t' keep him."

"Damn," Ralphie hollered from his spot over on the grill. "I was hopin' y'all would get together 'n Joe'd take you off my hands girl. Then I could get serve black coffee in here!"

Ralph got a chuckle all around. I felt better knowin' my friends were pullin' fer me. 'N most importantly, I had won the first battle of the war at hand. SueAnn had her legal beagle from Snap Crackle and Pop plus Good Time Charlie, but I had something more valuable. I had the home field advantage. That'n SueAnn's Daddy's watch.

That day's hearing was less formal, 'n was held in the Judge's office. We drew Judge Judy

DuPont, no relation to the Judge Judy from the TV.

"Good morning everyone. Today is a preliminary hearing of the case of Mrs. SueAnn Meau-Joe versus her husband Mr. Joe seeking a dissolution of their marriage, sole custody of three minor children, and a continuance of a restraining order against Mr. Joe for reasons of physical abuse. Mrs. Meau-Joe seeks possession of the family home in order to have a place to raise the couple'a children, 75% of the families financial assets, maintenance payments in the amount of 75% of her husband's salary, and 75% of her husband's retirement accounts. I understand both of you have made unusual arrangements for representation, with Mrs. Meau Joe contracting out of state council and Mr. Joe.

But before we deal with that, Joe and SueAnn, We've all known each other a long time. I am having great difficulty not breaking into laughter hearing you called Mr. Joe. You changed your name to just Joe, it seems adding the Mr. is at the least disrespectful of your wishes in that process. With your permission, I would like to call you and refer to you in the records by your legal name, Joe.

"No objections, your honor. With your permission, I would prefer to refer to you as your honor, just 'cause it seems the right thing to do regardless how you address me."

"That'll be fine Joe. Now SueAnn, with your husband going by Joe all these years, everyone just knows you as SueAnn. Calling you Mrs. Joe sounds as strange as calling him Mr. Joe. And hyphenating "Joe" with your maiden name doesn't work. It sounds ridiculous for you to be Mrs. MoJo! Would you object to me calling you SueAnn?"

"No ma'am. I guess it is a little silly. I'm trying to get used to my new name. I plan to change it back to SueAnn Meau when I am divorced. I want my little girls to have a last name."

"I understand. And I'll see to it that my clerk helps you do that legally. Now let's meet your lawyer."

"Your honor, William Evan Clair, of the Boston firm of Lyons, Tyker and Baer representing the plaintiff Mrs. Meau-Joe. Um, sorry your honor, I've been practicing to say that without smiling too hard too. We are representing 'SueAnn' your honor."

"'Scuse me your honor. Would it be alright if we call this here feller William too. If Mr. Joe and Mrs. MoJo are too silly to let us be serious, then you have to admit Mr. Everclear of the firm of Lions and Tigers and Bears is worth an eye roll too."

It got a chuckle from Judge Judy, but Billy Clair wasn't havin' non of it.

"Mr. Clair will be fine. I'd prefer to keep a professional deportment."

"I understand Mr. Clair. Mr. Clair, are you licensed to practice law in our fair state?"

"Your honor, I am not. I believe your state liberally grants temporary rights to practice providing a visiting attorney can provide qualifying credentials. I have such credentials here."

" Your honor," Joe spoke up. "If'n it matters, I have no objection to Mr. Clair representing my wife."

"Thank you Joe, that will save us time. Now why isn't your lawyer with you today."

"We'll your honor, I don't believe I need one."

"Joe, a lawyer is prepared to speak for you and help you navigate your way through legal procedures and maneuvering that can be very complicated. I really believe you should contact a lawyer before we proceed. I will grant you a two day continuance to do so."

"I object your honor." Clair fired his first volley. "We feel Mr...ah...Joe has had plenty of time to prepare for today and make a decision. He has ignored our requests for meeting, and in fact all attempts at communication. His level of preparedness is his responsibility, and additional time will just reward his inaction."

"I object too, your honor,"Joe spoke up too, to the surprise of everyone but Judge DuPont.

"I knew you would Joe."

"Yes ma'am. I object to being referred to as unprepared. I am very well prepared, and wish to continue. As a matter of fact, as far as I'm concerned we can finish this meetin' 'n then walk right over to your court room and get the real deal goin'."

"A bit anxious Joe?"

"No ma'am. I'm just ready, so if everyone else is too let's get down to it. But before we do end the preliminaries, I do have a couple of motions t' file."

Judge DuPont was a bit surprised. I was proposing to file motions, and at the precise moment I should be doing so. I told you I studied law. Just not at a school. Amazing what you can learn by reading. This home field advantage was working so far.

"Just a moment your honor. Before we even get to motions it is our duty request that you consider recusing yourself. We recognize that you are quite close to both Joe and SueAnn, and that such familiarity could lead to a conflict interest."

"Mr. Clair, there are two judges in this county working family court. Our dockets are full. Judge Morgan, the other family court Judge coached Joe in little league and then again as his high school baseball coach. He is also SueAnn's cousin. If we brought in a judge from the criminal division, probate or civil court, I'm afraid you would find similar relationships. This court is very friendly and closely knit. There are no six degrees of separation here, it's more like two. If you don't know someone already, you know someone who knows that person. And before you request it, there will be no change of venue for a family court case. They may not worry about wasting taxpayer dollars up in Boston but we do here. Besides, the gossip mill around here is fast and far reaching. I don't think you could go anywhere in our fair state and find a judge who is totally in those dark bout this case. Sue Ann, did Joe ever hit you or hurt you?"

"No ma'am."

The room was silent. Judge DuPont was talking fast, like a Yankee. She just slipped that last one in kinda unexpected-like. SueAnn's reaction was quick and honest. I kinda felt proud'a my girl!

"So much for continuing the restraining order. Who told you to say so?"

"Oh it were my idea your honor. I jes thought..."

"SueAnn you don't have a mean bone in your body. You're a little flighty sometimes, but you are so sensitive you couldn't hurt a fly. You don't have it in you to hatch a scheme involving violence that would hurt a good man like Joe. And you know he's a good man don't'cha."

SueAnn hung her head.

"Yes ma'am."

"You know how much this hurt Joe, not comin' home and seein' his babies don't'cha."

"Yes ma'am. Joe 'n I have irreconcilable differences, but I don't want him hurt. And my babies cry themselves to sleep ever night that they don't get'ta see their daddy."

"Who told you to say that SueAnn."

Again the judge was quick and unexpected, and before the suit from Lions, Tigers 'n Bears could say "Oh my" SueAnn blurted out "Charlie."

Good Time Charlie 'bout'ta git the blues, I thought. Seemed like a good time to make my play.

"Your honor, I think this is the time for me to make my first petition. I wish to file an action on one Charlie Bennett, a.k.a. Good Time Charlie, for alienation of affections. This suit is a class action, ma'am. Since I knowed Charlie's reputation, I've been checking round, and I have discovered no less than eighteen marriages he has broken up."

She and Mr. Clair eagerly opened the envelopes containing the briefs in my filing.

"Joe this is well written and researched. For someone who hasnt attended a day of law school it is incredible. who helped you?"

SueAnn sat up a little straighter, and began to curl her hair with a finger. I reckon she was proud'a me fer the judge's compliment.

"Well your honor knows my little brother is in his second year of law school. He looked it over, 'n said the same as you. He didn't change nothin' though, 'cept where I misspelled some of the Latin words. They're kinda mumbo jumbo to me, so before I take the bar exam, I guess I better read up on that some more."

Judge DuPont jes shook her heard 'n said "You make a compelling argument, and I congratulate you. Unfortunately, I will have to disallow it, as there are only 18 plaintiffs and to enter class action you will need at least 40."

"I knew you'd say that your honor! But ya see, tou only had time to skim the brief. When you read the brief in detail, you'll find not only the 18 spouses who were injured, there were 48 children who suffered damages as a result of Good Time Charlie's creepin' round the back doors of the women in this here county. You'll also find the suit names his company, Massachusetts Mechanicals as a co-defendant seeins how he pulled this stunt in his previous job with them in Pensacola, 'n they knew about it. Oh, ma'am, the brief includes all the paperwork necessary to serve Charlie Bennett. I believe after we conclude this here hearing, you may wish to have the district attorney question Mr. Bennett regarding fraud charges."

"Now wait a minute,"

Guess Mr. Clair woke up. Seems he wasn't so concerned 'bout the divorce, but suddenly the need to throw up a shield 'roun' Charlie 'n The folks up 'ere in Boston got his attention.

"This is well beyond the scope of a family law action. We will need time to prepare. And as further hearings on the primary divorce case will set precedents that will have impact on those cases, we respectfully request a continuance."

"Mr. Clair, you have just alluded to representing both Mr. Bennett and Massachusetts Mechanical in addition to SueAnn here. You are correct that this case has implications on Joe's counter suits, and they should be prepared separately. However, today's actions will continue as planned, as I have no reason to recognize you as council of record for Mr. Bennett or Massachusetts Mechanical at this time, and I can't do so without them present. I smell fraud in these proceedings. So I am directing my clerk to have a bailiff detain Mr. Bennett pending investigation. Separately, It seems my concern over Joe's preparation earlier would have been better directed at you. I don't know what they taught you at Harvard Law about family practice, but down here two important things come first. This is emotional, so you have to be compassionate with your clients and your opponents. Lives are at stake, and that often includes the lives of innocent children. Secondly, you have to know as much as you can about the family you are dissolving. It seems you learned little or nothing about these people. Who is paying your bill for this?"

She did it again. That there was a trick I needed to remember. Worked like a charm on SueAnn, slipping a quick question into a barrage of admonishment. Mr. Clair sat there like a schoolboy waiting fer Sister I'm In Control ta rap his knuckles with a ruler. On her question, he jes blurted out "Charlie Bennett."

"I thought so." She dialed a number 'n said "Have a bailiff put Charlie Bennett in holding.

Judge Judy didn't mess around.

" We are gonna take care of these divorce terms right now. SueAnn! Sole custody of those kids? Seriously girl? Ain't no better daddy in the world! Joe, you withholding the money to take care of these girls?"

"Why no ma'am. When it was cold, I made sure Marlon Locke went out with his oil truck 'n filled the tank. I stopped in at the Piggly Wiggly 'n made sure 't pay the delivery bills. I had 'em call me when SueAnn made an order."

"Aw," SueAnn piped up. "That was awful sweet of you. I wondered why the truck came but the guy never wanted money. And Joe I just wanna tell you Daisy was right this mornin'

'bout both things. Too many biscuits are bad fer you AND you do smell good enough to take home, and I think I'd probly rather lock myself up WITH you rather'n be on t'other side'a the door."

I couldn't help but smile't that. In spite of Charlie Bennett and all the legal rigmarole, here was my lady flirtin' 'n battin' her eyes't me in the middle of our dee-vorce hearin'

"We'll thank you SueAnn. I can't have my girls hungry 'n cold. And until Judge DuPont slams her little wooden hammer and says 'I now pronounce you ex man and wife,' then I gots to take care'a you."