Just a Good Ole Boy

As SueAnn batted her eyes at me, Judge DuPont asked her "SueAnn, how 'bout you let Joe see his kids as often as they see you."

"Yes ma'am, I'd like that!"

"Now SueAnn, about your home. You know Joe inherited that right?"

"Yes ma'am, 't were his momma and daddy's house."

"You know he has four brothers too."

"Yes ma'am."

"You know they inherited it too. They each own as much of it as he does. He lives there cause his momma said in her will he had to keep up the house and let his brothers keep callin' it home too. Without Joe runnin' the family and overseein' the house, you could wind up cookin' and clean in' for all four of them and there families, once they have em'. You sure you don't want Joe around for that?"

" Your honor, I obj..."

"Mr. Clair in your courts in Massachusetts do you let the judge order things that are unusual for the sake of keeping a family together?"

"Yes your honor."

"Well that's all I'm doin here. I've known these kids since hy were toddlers, and watched them build something special. I'd like to keep that together. For some reason Mr. Bennett wants to destroy it. The way I see it, no matter who pays you, you are here to represent SueAnn. An answer of "yes" is likely going to wind up giving you all kinds of pleasant feelings when I fix this. An answer of "no" is going to convince me you are in on Mr. Bennett's scheme, and I will likely call the bailiff in and you can join Mr. Bennet in holding until I am done here. Then we can investigate what's really goin on."

"Yes your honor."

"Thank you Mr. Clair. SueAnn, I asked you if you want Joe around the house?"

"Yes ma'am. I miss Joe, and so do our babies."

"SueAnn, do you know where Joe has been living?"

"Why yes ma'am. He got himself a big ole camper an' parked it down by the creek. Ben fired him, so he fishes all day. I 'spect e likes that a lot!"

"SueAnn, does Joe have a favorite chair at your house?"

"Oh yes ma'am, it's a big ole leather recliner in the livin' room. He loves to sit there 'n watch football while the girls sit in his lap 'n play."

"I'll bet it's a sweet sight SueAnn. I'll bet he misses that chair, and all the other things that make your house home. He misses his daughters, he misses sleeping in his bed, he misses the pictures on your wall. Instead he is in a camper truck. He has to fold out his table to eat and fold the bed down from above the drivers' seat to sleep. He's got a thin little mattress, it's always too hot or too cold, he has to drive it someplace to empty the sewer tank and fill it with water. He has to plug it in to have electricity, and is alone all the time. He has a little bitty TV to watch football on, and no comfy recliner to watch it from. And you put him there SueAnn, when you told the police he hit you. Then on top of hat you want him to pay for you. You want 75% of his paycheck, 75% of his savings, and 75% of his retirement in the future. And all the time you are givin' yourself to Mr. Bennett like he belongs to you. And for what? What did he promise you?"

"He done told me my babies would go to the best schools, wear the best clothes, live in a big house with a big yard and each have their own bedroom, a swimmin' pool out back and maybe even ponies. I could have me a little red convertible 'n we'd all live happily ever after."

"What about Joe, SueAnn?"

"Well, I figgered he'd move back onto the house after'n I married Charlie 'n left. Then I'd make sure our little girls got the best of everthin' and I'd come home 'n see Joe for special family times, like Christmas 'n birthdays 'n such. Charlie said he travels lots, so it could be almost like nothin' was different. I could visit Joe lots, but I had to make sure I brought something back to Charlie every trip."

"What, like a souvenir?"

"No, he said it would be papers. Ya see, Joe likes to tinker. He spends all day workin' in Ben's garage. He's a great mechanic. But he kinda gets these ideas in the middle of the night. He keeps a gadget what records his voice, so if'n he wakes up at night thinkin'a sumpin' he grabs the gadget and says his idea into it. Then later he tries makin' the gadget he dreams up into a real thing. He has some...what do you call em, it's like a legal thingy what says no one else can say they invented sumpin' what Joe invented first..."

"SueAnn, are you talking about a patent?"

"Yes ma'am! That's it! A patent! But Charlie didnt want the things with patents. He said they were no good to him. He needed me to find Joe's new ideas. Things he had made and was testing, but hadn't gotten one of them there patents fer, least not yet. Charlie was very specific as to what I should borrow and show him."

"SueAnn," Judge DuPont sternly intoned, "what you have done is illegal. When you said Joe hit you and had your lawyer obtain a restraining order you broke the law. You can't lie to make police do what you want, they do their job based on the truth. That's also one of the Ten Commandments you learned in Sunday School, remember? 'Thou shalt not bear false witness?' Then you promised to take Joe's ideas to Mr. Bennett. Mr. Bennett most certainly meant to use Joe's good ideas to make money for himself and his company. That's stealing, and promising to help him is called conspiracy to commit a crime. That's against the law too, and I believe you also remember 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' as being another commandment. SueAnn have you already had sex with Mr. Bennett?"

SueAnn couldn't say it, but we all knew what that meant. She kinda hung her head.

"SueAnn, think about whatever it was you let Mr. Bennett do to you. Now what if Joe had done those things with another woman. What would you call it?"

"Your honor, it's not like that. I did it fer us, t' make our lives better and give the kids the good things in life they couldn't have here."

"That wasn't my question SueAnn. This is simple. What if Joe had done those things with another woman. What would you call it?"

"He'd be cheatin' your honor."

"And that's what I call what you did with Mr. Bennett, and that's one more commandment girl, 'Thou shalt Not Commit Adultery.' You're not doing very well with the law or with your Sunday School lessons here young lady. What would your Daddy say?"

SueAnn looked sheepishly my way. I had my elbow up on the arm of my chair, so the sleeve'a my suit coat slipped down a bit. There it was, all gold 'n sparkly, the gold watch SueAnn's Daddy done give me. She remembered his prediction hat she couldn't stay true. Things were crumblin' fer her 'bout then. But the judge wasn't done.

Joe what is the other file in your hands?"

I looked at the judge as calmly as I could. SueAnn was hurtin' right now, so I asked Judge Dupont if'n we could take a recess. She shook her head quietly 'n told me she felt this needed to be finished right now. Mr. Clair looked sick t' his stomach or sumpin'. I don't think he expected any of this today, and he sure werent prepared to say nothin'.

"Ma'am...er...sorry...your Honor, this here's a petition for the dissolution of marriage on the grounds of adultery."

"Do you have proof of your wife's adultery?"

"Yes ma'am. I keep a voice activated recorder in my workshop. Ya see, sometimes when my hands is full I get ideas for new gadgets. SueAnn was tellin' y'all 'bout his a little earlier. I keep recorders in my shop at home, on my bench in the garage, on my nightstand by the bed, and in my truck. They turn on automatically when someone gets to talkin.' Well, Charlie and SueAnn did their thing on the couch in my shop several times. I think Charlie was as much up to gettin a look 'round what I was workin' on as he was up to havin' his way with SueAnn. It sounds like he was distracted, 'n he kept asking questions about my gadgets and patents. The recorder in my home workshop has video too, and things are quite clear."

SueAnn broke down in tears.

"Joe, you will need to give Mr. Clair his copy of your divorce petition and a copy of the evidence."

"NO! Screamed SueAnn. I don't want copies of me naked gettin' 'round like that! Please your honor, isn't their another way."

"Yes SueAnn, you can confess to having an adulterous affair with Mr. Clair, and the evidence will become unnecessary."

Clair spoke up. 'Bout time he earned some of the money Charlie Bennett done give him.

"Don't say anything SueAnn. I obj..."

"We done it."

It just wasn't Mr. Everclear's day. Anytime he had something to say, the judge either slapped his hand or SueAnn ignored him. Now she just blurted out a confession that proved my case like it was a sneeze or somethin' and I felt kinda sorry for him. I know he thought I was stupid, but that's partly my fault. I let him think that. But he seemed to be a nice enough feller. Didn't mean him no harm. Shoot. Now I started feelin' a little bad for him.

Judge DuPont told SueAnn 'n me that she thought counseling might be a good idea. Then she said she though SueAnn might benefit from a little shoe on th'other foot. SueAnn had to live in my camper fer just a week, and not come home where she could see me or my babies. I was told to tell my daughters Momma was workin fer the judge and would come home real soon. The judge also told SueAnn it would serve her right if'n I had some woman come into my house for some happy time, but I said no I couldn't do that. I was gonna be true until either one 'f us died or the judge dropped that little wooden hammer sayin it's official, y'all done bein' married.

If'n we worked things out after that week it'd be great. If not there was gonna be three months of counseling, meaning we had to go tell our problems to a neutral counselor and try t' work it out. If we didnt git'er done in three months the divorce would be final. I'd git my momma's house, but SueAnn could visit anytime 'n even take em home ever other week.

The judge also brought in the DA who started a criminal investigation into what he called "industrial espionage on a grand scale." Turns out they wanted several of my gadgets, 'n thought they could buy the ole country boy off real cheap. They also thought they could steal stuff I hadn't patented. Good Time Charlie definitely had the blues now, 'causin' he was in some deep doo doo.

She also warned Mr. EverClear again that he should be careful to know his opponents, and somethin' 'bout some Chinaman named Sunny Sue, funny name for a man! Anyway she told him I had done like good ole Sunny Sue when I picked a battlefield where my opponent couldn't win, 'n then forced him to fight on my terms. Felt purty good to be called as smart as that tree famous China man, even if he did have a girly name.

'Cordin' to ole Mr. Clair, the law firm of Lions 'n Tigers 'n Bears, Oh My was chief counsel fer Massachussets Mechanicals. Seems like lots of folk was teamin up on me bout my gadgets. They wasn't nothin so special, jes common sense things folks can use. There was a pump and valve system that made my uncle's irrigation system more efficient on his corn fields. There was a brake design that spread heat out durin' use, so your brakes stopped faster 'n lasted longer. There was a new propeller design I made for them cropdusters what would boost speed and save fuel. There was maybe 25 more real simple things. Judge DuPont called a friend 'f hers from the engineering department up at Duke, 'n says he has connections 'n may be able to help me make some money on my gadgets. That'd be real nice, havin' some extra to give my girls them things Mr. Bennett promised SueAnn. But Ben had promised he'd hire me back soon as this here mess got cleared up, so I'll be back to normal money wise.

Charlie went to jail. He's there for 3-6 years. The civil suit took all his money, including proceeds from the sale of houses here, in Pensacola, in Boston, and a big ole waterside spot in West Palm beach. The other husbands he done wrong got nice big checks from him and them Massachusetts Yankees too. I think it's fun to call em Massachusetts Yankees on account of they hate the New York Yankees cause a' their baseball team. I'm a Braves fan. D'you know one upon a time the Braves was a Boston team too? Aw there I go gettin off track agin. Sorry folks. Now where was I...yeah I got it!

The judge called us in on the final day of the waiting period. It was time to fish or cut bait. After today, we would either be stayin' married or separate. It was dee-vorce dee-cision day. SueAnn was very repentant 'n sorry 'n all. And said how she was mortified at how hard it were to live in the camper jes one week, and how he missed her babies. She wanted to make it right.

I told her to make it right, she'd have to live in that camper the full three months, while I went around seeking my alone time with someone else. No contact with the girls. No help or care from anyone else. In the meantime, I'd get to party it up and live like she never existed. Only then could she be able to understand how it all hurt, and she couldn't make it up to me unless she understood it. Right?

"Joe," she said, "if it means we can go back to normal after six months, I'll do it, I can sacrifice for the man I love, and that's you baby. You want some other woman for a while to get even? Get even. I ain't gonna lie to you, i won't like it, but I'll be waiting at the end."

"Oh just that easy, huh? You think this is just something we can swap? How bout this swap then, Jenny Mae Douglass. I'm gonna take up with Jenny Mae Douglass. She's been alone since Roy moved out, and is dyin' to sink her teeth into a new man. Maybe I'll move her in and we can shack up for six months while you fret and worry that I'll like her body better 'n yours, that she'll do things you won't, and that I'll fall in love with her. She's stacked you know, and that long black hair is so exotic. It's a risk havin your spouse go cattin around. You willin to risk me SueAnn?"

Well SueAnn was kinda scared. I guess she figgered since she won my heart once, she could win it again whenever she liked. Having to watch another woman in her place never figgered in the E-quation.

"Oh my word! Joe! Baby, what'd I do? I always thought this was temporary, n all fer the best? Now you're sayin' I could lose you ferever to someone likenJenny Mae? Baby I was doin' this ore our family. I was givin' the girls somethin' big!"

"Really SueAnn? Let me tell you. Ain't nothin' in no big Yankee city better'n what we gots here. I can make the house bigger, but it just means there's more to care for. 'N clean. 'N I hate cleaning house. And the swimming pool? Well it's nice, but ya know I kinda prefer takin the boat out on the lake 'n jumpin on in. And what's so bad about the schools here fer the girls? School's what'cha make'f it. A hard working student can do right in any school. And a lazy ole worm is gonna fail even with the help the fanciest school. Look at that there Mr. Clair 'n his big ole Harvaard law degree. He didn't do his job 'n he lost to little ole me who prepared long and hard."

"I know baby, I was so proud of you that day! I love you Joe. I love our home. I love our girls."

"You could come home. Live there in one'a my brothers rooms. Your a good momma to our girls, and they need that. They need you. Maybe if we stay close like that the girls can feel like family. Maybe someday we can become a couple again, but not right now. There's just too much I question. Your Honor, if I vote to finalize the divorce, but stay close to SueAnn, can we marry again if'n we decide later that's a good idea?"

"You sure can Joe, and I have to say you have a big heart to consider it. SueAnn, Joe is leaving the door open, but as of this minute, he is going through with his divorce petition. Sugar this is your last chance to say something to stop this."

"I done him wrong ma'am. I get that. He should dee-vorce me ma'am. But I'm going to tell you and Joe both right now, I'm not just standing around here. Joe, baby, I'm going to write one of those agreements so when we re-marry I can never throw you put of your home or try to take your money again. Mr. Clair, you can d that fer me, right?"

That Clair feller had been mighty quiet there, since me 'n the judge settled him down t'the way things go 'round here back during our hearing. But he looked up with a smile, and nodded yes to SueAnn. Yeah, he was all smiles. I guess he likes a happy endin' too.

"Ok then. Joe, I will never let your children be denied and won't stand fer anyone to hold them from me neither. I'm gonna cook, and clean, and do the shoppin' and the laundry and weed the gardens, and if'n you decide you need some lovin I'll do that too. I'll stay out of your way if you date, 'n if'n you sleep with Jenny Mae why I'll even change the sheets the next day. Baby, once you told me I was your dream girl. But there's just one thing I ask."

"What's that SueAnn?"

"I wanna use your family name with our kids, Joe. If'n you wanna go by jes one name that's fine with me, but I want our babies to be able to sign their name with "Radon" on the end. A girl's s'posed to change her name when she's married, not just add one. And Joe?"

"Yes Sugar?"

"I wanna be SueAnn Radon. Matter of fact I wanna use all my names, SueAnn BettyJo Radon. I should'a had yer name all along, and even though we're gonna be dee-vorced soon, I want that name. I earned it. I want the same name as m'babies and the same name as the man I'm gonna convince to marry me again should've give me before."

"And what if I don't agree."

"I know fer a fact if I can legally change my name back to my maiden name i can hange it to any thin' I want, so I'll do it anyway. Ain't that right Judge?

"It sure is."

I thought about it a bit. Seems this whole court thing didn't go as expected for SueAnn, Good Time Charlie, Mr. Clair, or anybody else. I got me some money from Charlie and his bosses. It looked like Mr. Clair was re-evaluating his legal eagle-ness. It looked like SueAnn got some reality smacked through her thick skull, and I kinda looked like the Judge had a couple'a amusin' days. But the best was SueAnn, cause it looked like she was back to bein' the girl I had loved.

"Your Honor, before you make things final, I have one more offer."

"Go on Joe, I have time."

""That's Joe , in mean Mr. Radon Ma'am. It looks like I have a family to gather up, 'n maybe using' a proper name'll help me raise my babies right 'n remind my wife where she should be spendin' her quality time. So here's the deal, y'all. It is my final offer. SueAnn comes home after spendin a month away from us in the RV she thought was so comfy. Mr. Clair prepares them papers she talked about, where if she does dee-vorce me anyway later on, she cain't take me fer all I'm worth.

SueAnn, I hope yer gonna be my dream again, but'cha can't get outta this here mess with nothin'. People been hurt by that Charlie man of yours, including me and our girls. You spend that month in that RV while I'm livin' like I ain't married to you. That way when we settle back down, ou'll know how bad it can be tryin' to live without your sweetheart. That way, we'll never need to use that paper Mr. Clair's gonna write up."

"Joe," asked the judge, "there is just one thing I don't get. You have been so generous to SueAnn in all this. Why a month in the camper?

"Well ma'am, it's like this. When I was back in High School I had a bet with my math teacher. I told her I could learn m'numbers without havin' to show my work, she said that was no good cause math was all 'bout the process. So I took her Geometry class without ever showin' my process. I got me a B-, even though I never got an answer wrong on a test on account'a I didn't show my work. I took an AP sample test right before I dropped out'n got a perfect score, of course I didn't show that there process.

"So then I asked Ms. Egge, she was m'teacher. I asked her to go out to dinner with me since I had won the bet. She wouldn't go, account of I was too young and she was engaged by then, 'n her fiancé wouldn't understand. T'weren't ethical and t'weren't proper. But now, I hear Ms. Egge is dee-vorced, 'n I'm certainly old enough so I figger its time fer her 'to pay up. But you know it's summer and she's a teacher 'n all, so I gotta have time t'ask her 'n set ever thin' up. Right? I figgered a month would be just about right to get her done."