Just Being Mum

Why is it some mornings you wake up with the world on your shoulders? I looked in the mirror and suddenly felt my middle age. I fussed with my hair. There seemed to be more grey than ever.

"What time is it?" Bob said, sleepily from the bed, stretching and yawning.

I looked at the clock on the bedside table right next to him, wondering why on earth he couldn't see for himself. "Quarter to eight. What's the matter with your eyes?"

"You sound a bit off... and why are you up so early?"

"Oh, I don't know... Just a bit fed up."

"It is Saturday, isn't it?" "Don't we usually lie in on Saturday?"

"Yes, but today I don't want to lie in. I want us to do something."

"What's up?" he said, yawning again.

"I'm wondering where all those years have gone."

"What years?"

"Time... It just slips away. Why don't we do something today?"

"Like what?"

"Oh, I don't know..." I thought for a moment. "Like going out somewhere... you know, like we used to - a ride in the country maybe, to the coast, have a picnic, I don't know, just something, anything for a change."

It wasn't just the feeling of time passing like an express train, or of being and looking older. It was the realisation that somehow one wasn't needed as much as before. The children had grown up and moved out and had their own lives to lead. Jamie was married to Michelle with a baby well on the way and Becky was in her second year at Uni. My role as mother wasn't so necessary anymore.

Of course it had been a very long time since they use to limp to me with a graze on their knee that I could magically kiss better, or helping with homework, or watching Jamie confidently knock up fifty plus on the cricket field. And now Becky's riding gear, the most recent and tangible link with her childhood had finally been stowed away in the loft. But why now all of a sudden did I feel kind of useless?

The prospect of becoming a grandmother in a couple of months hadn't brought with it the joy that it should have done. And yet I had enjoyed motherhood, so why should being a grandmother appear so awful?

"I mean look at me. What a mess... In a couple of months I'll be a granny."

"And I'll be a granddad. So what's the big deal? I thought being a grandparent was something we were supposed to look forward to."

"I know, and it should be, and it is... It's just that..." And right then my eyes started to mist.

I must have been miles away with my thoughts for the next thing I knew I felt two strong but gentle hands slide around my waist and a warm, unshaven face snuggling up, tender lips kissing my neck.

"Penny for them?" Bob was breathing into my ear.

"Just hold me a moment. I'm being silly."

"Come on, things aren't that bad, are they?"

"Course not... I'm just having one of my days I suppose."

"You are okay though, aren't you? I mean, really?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Just give me a good hug."

"Tell you what, we'll have a ride out to the coast just like you suggested. It looks like it's going to be a nice day so why don't we just do it? We can have fish and chips on the front and have an ice cream afterwards. It'll be like old times. Then we'll walk back into town and do some shopping. Get yourself something to wear. That always cheers you up."

What could I say? My knight in shining armour had just rescued me from the dungeon of deep despair.

I threw a few things together and we set off for Weymouth. We were quite lucky living where we did, an attractive market town surrounded by green fields and hills, and still only just under an hour away from the coast.

Bob had decided to take us out in his 'pride-and-joy', a 1959 Morris Minor convertible which he had completely restored from a rusting wreck he found in a barn.

After an initial bit of ribbing and 'old-banger' jokes, we set off at what seemed quite a speed for an old car - at least, that's what it felt like with the top down. It was only when I looked behind me that I realised there was a tail-back as far as I could see.

"Oh dear," I said, shrinking down into the seat as somebody tooted. "We have a convoy behind us and I think it's getting impatient."

"Don't worry," said Bob. "There's a dual-carriageway coming up. They'll be able to pass us then."

And they did, in one continuous almighty roar, and I had to suffer more hooting and the indignity of having two good-looking young men in an open top sports car waving and cheering as they went by. But it was lovely to feel the wind in my hair on a gorgeous day like today. It kind of made me feel younger, vibrant and alive again.

We parked up near the seafront, got out and had a stretch.

"What shall we do first?"

Well, it was just like old times. We had a walk along the front, a cup of tea and a toasted tea cake on the pier while we watched the boats go in and out of the harbour, and played on the antique slot machines in the arcade.

I felt like a teenager again. We linked arms, something we hadn't done in ages, and came off the pier and headed for the fish and chip shop as it was by now getting on for lunchtime. What a lovely day this was turning out to be after all. I felt so much better. They say a bit of sea air does you good.

We ate fish and chips straight out of the paper wrapping with wooden forks and watched the world go by. We were like a couple of young things again without a care in the world.

We were on our way back into the town when I heard my mobile ringing mutedly from inside my bag. I stopped suddenly. "Oh, hang on, Bob... I've got a call."

Bob huffed. He hated the intrusion of mobile phones.

"It's Jamie," I said, seeing his name on the display. "Hello, darling, what-"

"Mum... It's Michelle... She's been taken into hospital..."

I stopped dead, shoppers bumping into me and glaring their disapproval while I tried to listen to the concerned voice at the end of the line.

"What's happened?"

"I'm not sure. There's been some bleeding and..." The phone went quiet for a moment. "Mum, I'm really worried."

It was obvious he needed somebody with him. His normal cheerful, confident manner had been replaced by the voice of an unsure and frightened young man.

"We'll get there as soon as we can, Jamie... don't worry... Michelle's in good hands, they'll sort it out. Everything will be fine." I just hoped my words sounded more convincing to Jamie's ears than they did to my own.

I hung up and turned to Bob whose face already bore the expression of somebody who knew things had suddenly taken a wrong turn. "We have to go back, Bob... Michelle's been taken to hospital. "

"Why? I mean, everything's all right, isn't it?"

"I think she may have gone into premature labour... at least I'm hoping that's all it is."

"But... it's not due for a couple of months yet..."

"I know. Come on, let's go – Jamie needs us."

We got back to the car and headed out of Weymouth.

"You don't think she'll lose it, do you?" Bob was looking really worried as I turned to answer him. He was so looking forward to becoming a grandad. I suddenly felt very guilty and selfish.

"I'm sure it will be fine, Bob. These things happen. Baby's have been born far earlier and been okay."

"I don't understand it. What makes a baby come early?" His agitated hand patted the steering wheel.

"I don't know! Look, just concentrate on getting us there safely."

Bob was like the callow youth I'd first met, the 'little-boy-lost', shy and vulnerable, too nervous to even hold my hand on our first date. I felt so sorry for him. How I wished I could have held his hand right now.

We arrived safely and parked up as quickly as possible; then had to pester some other visitor to the hospital for the right money to put into the machine.

The next thing was finding out where Michelle had been taken because Jamie hadn't known at the time. We went straight to the reception desk where I recognised Michelle's parents, Mary and Peter looking quite solemn as they asked for the information we were all after.

We all said our hellos, shared our concerns, and went of in the given direction of the maternity unit. Michelle was in an annexed room to the side of the main ward being kept under observation. Jamie was waiting outside.

"Hi Mum...Dad... the doctors are with Michelle now, running some tests. I haven't heard anything yet. They won't let me..."

And suddenly he broke off and leaned against me. I put my arms around him and felt his muscular body shudder. "It's going to be okay, Jamie. Don't worry."

"I'm so glad you're here." And then looking at Michelle's parents with red eyes, said, "And thanks for coming too, Mary... Peter." They acknowledged him, Michelle's father putting a reassuring hand on Jamie's shoulder.

There was the normal kind of strained, pleasant-talk between us all while we were waiting for news from the doctors. Everyone was worried about saying the wrong thing and sending the wrong message to Jamie. And then Becky arrived.

I saw her come through the double doors at the end of the corridor and my heart just melted. She looked so grown up, tall and willowy, womanly with a girlish air, her wild red hair fanning a still-freckled complexion. I'd never been so pleased to see her.

"Oh, darling," I said, "I hadn't expected you to be here."

"Hi Mum, Dad! Simon gave me a lift."

"Simon?"

"One of our lecturers. How's it going?"

Becky gave me a kiss and I felt the warmth of her hug, the fragrance of her favourite perfume reminding me of so much. And then she went to Jamie and gave him a hug.

I began to say, "We haven't heard any-"

Right at that moment the doctor emerged from the room and I'm sure all our hearts leapt as one. I could sense everyone making their own assumptions based on the doctor's professional expression.

"Michelle's going to be fine," he said. "There has been some loss of blood, but that's all behind us now." He turned to Jamie. "And I'm pleased to say, young man... your wife is in labour."

"So, everything's okay, then?" Bob piped up, worriedly.

"We'll be monitoring Michelle and the baby constantly. It should be a normal birth, albeit a bit sooner than expected."

The relief that swept around the ante-room was palpable. Michelle and baby were going to be fine. Oh, thank God.

The doctor said, "Of course once baby's arrived we'll be keeping it in our special care unit until we're sure he or she is able to cope as normal."

"I gave Jamie a big hug. I could feel the relief in his manly frame. He was going to be a father... and I was going to be a grandmother. And do you know what..? I couldn't wait. It was going to be a wonderfully special event, as would all future family gatherings and happenings.

I knew then I was still very important to my family. Of course I would always be needed; all I had to do was just be there when needed.

THE END